Me and My Yellow Ass

I was cleaning out some files in my desk and came across my personality study that I did eons ago at the job. Each of us went under the scope of INSIGHT,  a company jobs use for team building etc. etc. We had this big meeting where after we filled out a profile about as long as eharmony  Then we were given a booklet supposedly all about us and our ‘style’. A lot of people at the table were not claiming the personality laid out before them, but mine made my eyes buck. It was so on the money! I started to immediately think – I’m not as deep as I profess to be, lol That worried me more than what the booklet said. I found out I was the only one in my department that was a “Yellow” which explains a lot.

This test was taken like 2005, but I remember it clearly because I took most of it to heart.  It has helped define who I am.  I embrace my ‘yellowness’ and try to remember these triggers and traits. In a weird sort of way it helps me relax about who I am and as I have made great strides to get into Pam. I always remember this.

The blog is a PERFECT place to expound on that which is Pam. So I am going to post some of what it said.  I will offer BOTH SIDES of the spectrum to be fair. Not just the good parts of Pam. I will however be giving snippets – the report was long…

Personal Style

Pamela radiates goodwill and enthusiasm. She is optimistic about life in general and human potential in particular. She wants to be indispensable to others and her desire to please is so strong that she can sometimes lose her own identity by ignoring her own needs.

Pamela is team -centered, thorough and articulate. She gravitates to other people and his highly skilled at understanding others’ needs and motivations. usually appearing friendly, tactful and sympathetic. Pamela tends to be at her most flexible, adaptable and easy going in everyday living, preferring to fit in harmoniously with those around her. Pamela has a real zest for living and enjoys company.

She tends to be fiercely loyal to her friends, prepared to sacrifice her own wants for the needs of the other person. Pamela can juggle several activities at ones. She has a tendency to play down the rules, particularly if they appear to oppose her values. Pamela can be gregarious, sociable and focused on others’ needs. She may benefit from taking a step back to consider the cause and effect of her actions, and from practicing becoming more tough-minded. She is seen by most others as a friendly, practical, realistic and down-to-earth person.

Because she tends to live for the present moment, she does not sense the need to prepare or plan more than necessary. She exhibits personal warmth, insight, originality and a broad organizational ability. Pamela is a good companion and fun to be with. She likes people and tends to be aware of and appreciate a person’s more admirable qualities.

Interacting with Others

Pamela is good at helping others achieve their goals and objectives, and will seek to encourage them to be all they can be. She may become possessive of people in whom she has invested alot of her emotional energy. She may suppress her own needs in the interest of pleasing others and may feel indispensable to her partner.

Outgoing, friendly, challenging and sympathetic, Pamela radiates warmth and fellowship. Placing a high value on her harmonious relationships, it is not surprising that people turn to Pamela for encouragement, nuture and support. Pamela tends to be very sensitive to the way she relates to others and is at her best in situations which run smoothly and harmoniously. She preers a stimulating life of co-operation and harmony. Both a fluent talker and listener, Pamela is optimistic about her ability o influence people towards her viewpoint. She is usually especially sensitive to unexpressed anger and conflict. Her primary desire is to be of service to other people. She attracts many friends and acquaintances.

Decision Making

People occasionally see Pamela making decisions that appear to fly in the face of logic. She tends to make choices around her own personal feelings which may be as important to her as more objective data.Because she values harmony and agreement., she believes the best way to maintain this is to persuade others of the validity of her viewpoint. She may unconsciously manipulate the process to get her own way.

Preferring harmonious outcome, Pamela will go to great lengths to ensure the preservation of relationships. She prefers moderate to slight-risk in decision making. Pamela loves fun and surprises and can bring a breath of fresh air to any situation through her free spirit.

Top Five Key Strengths

    • Innovative Counsellor

 

    • Sensitive to the needs of others

 

    • Easy going and fun approach to most things

 

    • Unassuming, patient, relaxed and non-threatening

 

    • Honourable

Top five Key Weaknesses

    • Avoids interpersonal aggression and irritation

 

    • Demotivated by routine tasks

 

    • Will tend to be influenced by the last person she talks to

 

    • Tends to hold grudges and will tell you about it

 

    • Masks her true feelings to avoid unpleasantness

Top Five Best Ways to Communicate with Pamela

    • Use a casual, informal style of conversation

 

    • Maintain a consistent, personal relationship with her

 

    • Talk about her and areas she finds stimulating

 

    • Be prepared to talk about a wide range of topics

 

    • Use warm gestures and expressive body language

To five Worst Ways to Communicate with Pamela 

    • Judge, criticize or embarrass her in public

 

    • Act aggressively or reject her ideas without explanation

 

    • Take advantage of her good nature

 

    • Assume that her sunny disposition means that she agrees with everything you say

 

    • Adopt an intransigent, judgmental stance

Pamela’ Blind Spots or Less conscious behavior

Trying to be less sensitive would enable Pamela to hear the often helpful information that is contained in constructive criticism. She may be so concerned about the feelings of others that she can be blind to important facts when it involves hurt feelings. She is vulnerable to the criticism of others because she tends to take feedback personally, which leads her to take offense and become discouraged. She needs to be more aware of her tendency to live much of her life for others.More self focus may bring surprising benefits. Pamela’s ideas may occasionally get lost because she tends to rethink them continually, preferring to keep them private. She can sometimes be impractical and may neglect routine details that need attention.Pamela may not realize that it is perfectly acceptable to receive without having to give in return.

Luvvie Said We Were Writing, So Dammit I Write!!

stormeka magnegro

Good Morning and welcome to the month of August and my little space in the blogsphere!!

My regular subscribers and readers are probably side eyeing me and giving me attitude because I have started these things a million times.  Social media has spoiled the hell out of me, BUT this time it’s different because a social media ICON has requested my presence and that means – GET TO WRITING!!

If you are alive and well and a fan of black twitter, black reality shows or Scandal then you should know who Awesomely Luuvie is, if you don’t stop right now and click that link and GET CHO LIFE!

She decided that she wanted to do a 31 day blog challenge and I said I should join her and she said:

Awesomely Luvvie (removed my govt name)  Do it!

And I twirled and got to writing!

I actually have quite a bit of stuff simmering that I have been meaning (snicker) to get off my chest so this is perfect.

I guess I should take a moment though to introduce myself if I happen to have new followers (I hope, I will be reading others in the challenge this month as well)

The blog is Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel and the name is Stormeka Magnegro.

A little history:  for some strange reason Mariah Carey is my blog muse and I name blogs after her CD’s, lol The name Stormeka Magnegro is my X-men name.  When the first movie came out my family and I decided we needed a family name so it was Magnegro because why be a below average negro when you can be a MAGNEGRO (LOL) and then I chose my personal name and since I am not as ‘refined’ as Storm, I had to go gully and add a meka on the end. Meka’s make everything right!

I am a RABID fan of Michael Jackson and he will always be my first love been stanning for him for 41 years now.

I am the wife of a sexy man I met on Blackplanet for six years now and the mother of an Orthodox Islam, Hijab wearing Fashion Forward Spectacular 19 ½ year old beginning her sophomore year in college in a couple of weeks.  I also co-parent 2 bonus daughters.

I’ve been a model (ok not always) house negro for 15 years in Non-profit.  I can make the lemonade, suckle the babies and fan the master like a pro!!

I have an ongoing affair with social media and check my phone before I say good morning to my man!  Facebook is my thing but more and more I am becoming an Instagram whore, the Gemini in me loves that kinda attention!

I also have finally gotten up off the couch and stumbled into somebodies gym and for the past 7 months have been bustin my ass to fantastic results!  Ya’ll betta WATCH OUT!!

So strap in (or on whatever suits your fancy) and let’s get these 31 days going!!

Looking Out My Gym Eye

As long as there are humans there is an opportunity for a blog post because humans are some interesting folk. I’ve been at the gym long enough to observe, study, judge and gather some hilarious stuff to talk about.

When it is $1 down and $10 a month, expect $1 down and $10 a month type of folks

The Circuit Room has gradually turned into a…..club

I have yet to run into the pizza and bagels

You can’t count the 10 minutes it takes you to clean the equipment before you use it as actual work out time

As well as I got concerns if you need to run the machine through a wash cycle after you use it. 

Talking on the phone the full time you are working out talking about you ‘getting it in’…

The women’s locker room is a trip back to Gone With the Wind as folks be getting corsetted up in there with everything from saran wrap to waist cinchers

Looking to the person at your left and seeing they are going two times as fast as you on the bike and then you getting into a competition with them

The man who wears THIS to the gym!

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The man who puts the free weights on the ground at his hands and feet, gets on top of them plank style and does his push ups – STANDING OVATION BROTHER!!

The man who does one rep on a machine and then ties it up for another 30 minutes while he prances around frantically ‘shaking it off’

Monday apparently is young man, free weight, JJ from Good Times lifting night

Love the loc socks the fellas wear

Um mam you and those white sandles with the kitten heel on the leg press…NO MAM!!

Yea, the aggressives scare me

I’m afraid I might step on your five packs of weave spead out like the sun during floor exercises mam

The moment when the fellas are looking at a girl and notice all she’s doing is posing in the mirror and they turn away

Fighting over the tootsie rolls at the end (I earned this bitch)

Doing extra reps so that pictures can be taken

Love the man/woman team workouts

Noticing an older couple working out together and just knowing they still having bomb ass sex

Um, the culture of working out needs to be combined with the culture of taking a shower my African Brothers!

Blowing bubbles with gum while doing cardio – interesting

Sir I’ve never seen you in six months work on your legs, they strong though to hold up that upper body.

Waiting till a light day to try something new – The Arc Glider is NOT for me

You really do wanna grunt when you beasting on a machine

Kudos to the lady on the Oxygen!!

Having to make sure you get your picture on the machines before the hour is up or it will cut off

The mirrors at the gym are the best mirrors EVER and you wish they used those instead of the circus trick mirrors they use in the dressing rooms!

Sir if you are gonna wear your PJ’s to the gym put some drawers on!!!

Mam you could have fit some panties on under those short shorts

Black Girls DO work out!!!!!!!!

Making my ‘I’m swole in my mind” walk across the gym floor in front of the fellas to go pick up my 7 lb weights, lol lol lol

Smiling when folks start recognizing you as a GASP “Regular”

I LOVE MY GYM!!!!

 

Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Couch…

I am a platinum member of the Coach Potato club. I hold that honor proudly.  I do soo much on my damn couch.  I write, I watch TV, I get my internet on,  I read, I socialize, I eat, I make out with my husband, I take some good ass naps!  My couch freaking ROCKS!!  It all started with some subtle ‘shade’ (this is when folks say some slick shit about something you have going on) about how much I know about all things Television (that’s another blog).  I ignored that for the most part, but the first of the year was coming up and I was feeling antsy about something to do.  In the mail over the course of a few weeks, I got a flyer for a new gym opening up the street. I was like, ‘really in the hood?”  It was only a dollar to join and $10/month.

I’m a strange bird, due to my upbringing and the way I ingested it, I flare up when told to do something, especially if it’s tinged with force or shame.  Yea it’s kept me from doing a lot of shit and caused problems, but I will not do it till I get good and damn ready because of this little flaw.  When the ‘awakening’ comes to me, it can be the littlest thing.  January came and I still had the flyer, an associate of mines (a really nice sista) sent me a simple text stating that she had joined and I should to.  It was as simple as that.  I went up there and was amazed at how clean and modern and functional it was.  I also was interested because there were no classes.  I really am not that coordinated (well now I’m a lot better).  Anyhoo I joined and began the journey.

At first, I was all on the 30 minutes of cardio in and out.  Then I started reading and learning and decided that I would add weights because hell I had NO IDEA how my body would react to this thing here. I was a Weight Watchers girl. I could lose weight easily but never incorporated working out.  I started going and Lord was I pitiful.  5 minutes on the bike, I could barely make it through circuit training etc.  I realized that I was super duper out of shape.  Didn’t matter if I was thin(ner)

Suddenly I started to take it seriously. It was great for stress.  I moved away from the circuit training and started walking on the treadmill and riding the bike and lifting lightly.  From my previous attempts to get fit, I had a HATE relationship with the Eliptical Machine. Who in the hell made that instrument of torture and what person decided it was a gateway to fitness?!  One day I stepped on it. I did three minutes which at the time was equivalent to the NY Marathon, lol That bitch hurt.  But unlike the last time, I decided to keep trying it, I could do this.  Time went past and I started thinking about and looking forward to going to the…gym.  I got back on Weight Watchers to aid in my getting fit.

Now don’t think there have not been some struggles.  The internet will run you crazy trying to keep up or do what they say.  There is soo much information out there, you don’t know what to believe.  “If you don’t squat you should die” “anything less than 5 hours in the gym 6 days a week you are a failure” “use this machine, don’t use that machine” etc. etc.  A woman has been conditioned to believe that if there is no weight loss, there is no success. Black women have been conditioned to believe that if you are not shading or saying fuck you to the world whenever we do something we are not succeeding.  it’s a lot to grasp.  Then you have your own ‘issues’ with your body, the way it looks etc.  I have  another HATE relationship and its’ with my shape. I’m an apple on a stick. I HATE my mid section!!  It just laughs and laughs and protrudes away.  But something in side of me said press on.

So here we are six months in!  I’ve gone every other day, missing maybe only two days.  I now go between 4-5 days a week and anything less than an hour is unacceptable, lol  I also am outside exercising.  I now own bonafide exercise clothes, lol I bought sneakers ( and I don’t even like sneakers), I plan out my days and meals and television schedule to make sure I’m not missing working out.  I am also keeping track of the changes.

This post is not really about the numbers, but an acknowledgement of the journey.  There are numbers, damn good numbers all the way around,  but there are also so many other things.

So what’s up for the next six months? Well. I’m still in a quandry as to whether I want to be fit or athletic, that is something I’ve never fanthomed I’d consider, lol  I’m interested in doing one bad ass fitness thing (like kick boxing)  I might run a 5K in the fall who knows? but right now.. let’s just take it one day, one workout and one meal at a time.

 

The Changes in Six Months

When the escalator goes out, I no longer just say ‘fuck it’ and get back on the train and go back home to call in sick

My husband can finally walk his regular gait

Oh I have a shadow of an Ass AND an actual one that is rounded

When I go to the ladies room at work, the sanitary disposal no longer flaps up and down cause my big ass trips the sensor

My posture has improved

I am sleeping so much better

I have shoulders, lol

I think I’m bad, lol

I am not having pre-menstrual issues anymore

The fat hump on my neck disappeared

I can sit with my legs crossed

When I play wrestle with my husband, he has to wrestle a little harder

I made it past the New Year Resolutions Folks

I have the beginnings of a end table and not a cocktail table

The gap when I walk is real baby!

I shaved 3 full minutes off my walk from my desk to the train station

I run towards things now

I’ve been to the park more in the past six months than the past six years

I park way in the back

I actually carry a basket to get some bicep reps in at the grocery store

I saw my husband fall in love with me again,while watching me work out

I feel a lot more confident

I’ve made new friends

I’ve cracked open a cookbook

I’ve got outside my comfort zone

I don’t jiggle

I can twerk much better

The under wire on my bra now sits ‘under’ my chest not making a dent in my damn stomach

The bath towel  does not fit like a hospital gown anymore – it closes all the way

I am almost at my goal of putting my foot behind my head

BET on Black!

I ran across an extended trailer for a new show coming on the Black Entertainment Television a/k/a BET starring Gabrielle Union called “Being Mary Jane”  now based on the rep of the channel, you almost want to think it’s about the life of Marijuana (as if it has it’s own separate life) but actually I have been following this show and am eagerly awaiting it to come on in July.  

I have a sometime lunch partner at work.  When we do have lunch 98% of our conversation is usually abstractly centered on films and television (and politics).  We have had three or four days of robust conversation about Halle Berry and when she’s not the topic of conversation, Monique has been our new muse, lol  

She also has been keeping up with “Being Mary Jane” and today we got into this conversation about BET and we both decided that BET better not be trying to sneak back in at momma’s house during the holidays in a classic Sophia move!!

As we spoke, my mind went back to the beginnings of BET. I remember the first day.  I think I’ve skipped school for television twice in my life. Once for Greg and Jenny’s wedding on All My Children and the first day of BET.  It was January 25, 1980 (all information comes from Wikipedia, I’m good but not THAT good, lol).  An entire channel dedicated to the souls of black folks! WOW!  

We were hooked!  Donnie and Sherry kept us coming back. The music video was up and running and suddenly you could ‘see’ your favorite song and the folks who sung it.  

I told her that though BET has has some iffy, janky periods, I couldn’t not love BET and some of the things it exposed me to.  BET introduced me to a wild afro’ed GOD named Maxwell! He came on Rachel’s Show “Planet Groove”  It introduced me to Erykah Badu.  I remember that so vividly because I cried listening to her.  I have NO IDEA where I was in my head at the time, but I remember sitting on the floor in front of the TV and tears just streaming listening to her sing.  Remember Video Vibrations?  Cita used to slay me! Teen Summit (even though I was a bit older) was a great show.  Comic View introduced me to adult comedy. Remember when we had….NEWS!  I used to watch BET for a couple of hours a day.

Then I got older and BET went somewhere dark and I couldn’t follow it.  I could just blame Bob Johnson but as I looked at it today, it was a combination one two punch of trying to figure out a way to embrace rap/hip hop and push the envelope and give a voice to black folks  who’s exact fault is it really that the culture and the people embracing and presenting the new culture seemingly took a walk on the gully side?

We cussed BET out on the DAILY!!  I mean WTH WTF and WTH again, lol  It seemed like the powers that be just held up their middle finger at the collective.

Then one day they had a show called the BET Awards.  Folks were like WHOAAA!  What a great production (well you know what I mean still BET but the show and the performers and the appearances of folks from days gone by wow!).  Then the BET Honors, the the BET Hip Hop Awards and the CYPHERS! Folks like me were coming back to BET like 3 or 4 times a year and we didn’t burst into flames, lol

Next they started trying to have scripted shows.  They revived The Game (it’s biggest endeavor in my opinion) and after tossing that up in the air over an open damn flame, it finally got it’s foot hole and I actually jumped up at this years mid-season finale. They have tried a couple of shows and they keep trying.

Now they have deals for more original programming and something I’m actually looking forward to seeing.

I had to find some way to describe how I feel about BET and this is what I came up with:

BET is the child that was raised with you in the same household by the same parents. Ya’ll were given the same instruction and belief system YET at some point, it decided to go out into the world and find itself.  It was all over the place ho’ing and partying and acting a damn fool and you sat and wondered how could two entities raised in the same house turn out so very differently!

Then one day, they start trying to come around to the house again.  They show up for a couple of Sunday dinners and you notice they are looking and sounding better on a more consistent basis. Suddenly them and their kids are at Thanksgiving dinner and everyone is just like ‘come on in..come on lala and man man, we see ya’ll”  Now no one forgets how you been out there wilding and all these damn kids and how you look a bit rough around the edges..but you family..so get you and yo kids a plate”

BET might just be showing up for Thanksgiving soon if they keep it up.  

Family Feud!

family-feud-1

 

I’ve been on many a talk show during the 90’s living in New York, Donahue, Sally Jessie, Geraldo etc. but I hadn’t had the opportunity to be on a game show until now. Well ok, not actually ON the game show but in the audience. Family Feud actually tapes right here in Atlanta. I can’t exactly remember how I got on their mailing list, but I am and I get tickets all the time to various game shows but most of them are in California, so when these came up a year ago, I took them and we went down and didn’t make the cut to be on screen. No biggie, but when they came around for this year and I saw that one of the dates available was my birthday I snagged them right up. That would be super fun!

We (My daughter and I) decided to get down there a bit earlier than we did before to have a better chance. We got right into the building to wait in the inside line, we were getting crunk that we might actually get on the show this time. From this point on, it’s best if I bullet point my thoughts out….

You can’t bring any bag bigger than the ticket (a regular sheet of paper). Still not sure why you needed your traveling purse for this show and it was a good opportunity to teach CG about packing light

You also couldn’t bring your cell phone, it has to stay in the car or be checked in at the door. I started getting the shakes after about 30 minutes not because I wasn’t on Facebook etc. but because I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT DAMN TIME IT WAS?! Mental note to get a pocket watch to keep in my purse, lol

The waiting room was freezing and I knew I should have brought my jacket.

The conversation by the elderly black people behind me concerning all the pieces of the pig they had eaten in their lives and not died from was giving me so much grief. When Bro. said he loved pigs ears but could only eat them drunk, I was D-O-N-E. From the rooter to the tooter was live in living color.

Some kinda way we got in the second row – GREAT seats!

The stage was so bright and electronic, looks actually better than it does on TV, lol

We had a short class at the beginning to teach us how to clap and smile and be disappointed. I really want to do those moves in the next all staff meeting we have.

I was so proud when we were doing the warm ups to classic Motown CG knew all the words to every song! Get yo Tammi and Marvin on girl!!! She said she ‘got it from her momma’

Though Steve is not really my ‘type’ of man, he’s not unattractive in real life.

He’s actually a good height

There is dressed, there is impeccably dressed and then there’s Steve. The man’s clothes and shoes came from virgin, baby, hand spun, hand sewed, fabrics and skins.

I’m not sure I could get used to having someone who’s specific job is to wipe my water bottle, let me take a sip and then take it back. CG said she could, lol

Steve was quite funny. I have detected that he is the kind of person who observes and can be quick witted. I haven’t necessarily liked all his comedy but he does make that show funny.

I KNOW they told us NOT to talk at all, we were right by a live mike lady!!!

The warm up music had two Michael Jackson songs – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

The whole section of pork totality eaters were in the middle second row and were NOT a lively bunch..must have had cramps from the pickled pigs feet……

Steve kept staring at CG. Yea I know, she gets that, lol lol

Sure there hasn’t been a hijabi that close to the stage before, lol

He curses ALOT!!

Yes he laughed when I said, “still working on that being saved eh?” Aloud

He doesn’t wear a lot of make up.

His Make Up artist dude…does

I know a family who won the big money so it’s not rigged.

These really are real families

Sometimes the questions either don’t make sense or no one can get an answer on the board. They throw those out.

Steve doesn’t leave the stage during ‘commercial breaks’ he stays and talks to you. That’s a nice gesture.

He’s really a mans man and didn’t want all that fretting over him. I liked the way he carried himself.

Now they can’t tell you when your show is going to air but I have at least two reasons why ours might not:

  • The black family of female cousins came dressed like they were going to the club!!! What the hell do you have on!? Not sure at least two of those outifts will make the cut BUT Steve loved them and from my vantage point ‘favored’ them.
  • The woman in front of me kept running her mouth, if any of that was picked up on the Mike they can’t use the episode

The best part of the whole thing? One day you will look up and your child will start to have their own life and they have to go live that life and you might move from the center of the stage off to the left. Spending the day with College Girl laughing, talking, dreaming and chilling with no drama was GREAT!!!!!! A perfect way to spend my birthday!

17,155 Days

 

 

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June 4, 2013

17,155 that how many days God has blessed me to be alive!!  That’s 47 years I’ve been on this earth weaving the fabric of my life.

I had a beautiful day. I woke up with the resolve to set it aside and just be in the moment with no background noise and that’s just what I did.

Facebook sure can make you feel special!!  Over 80 declarations of Happy Birthday! All kinds of love!!  I am so appreciative and I will hold these sentiments close to my heart and pick at them over the next 365 when I need them!

I’ve had lunch with my bestie, connected with a person off of Facebook, talked at length with my Sister and Dad, used gift cards and broke bread with my family.  

I wanted to think all deep about my birthday and lay out all kinds of emotionally reverent conversation, but I then said Nope!  It’s really not that serious.  I spend so much time being serious and thinking serious and contemplating, analyzing, reconciling etc. that I have to schedule times to just not give a fuck and like I said above, just walk in the moment without all the extra!!  

There is room in your life to just twirl and not hit anything.  I totally am clearing the field to run unhindered in it.  

Today was my birthday, I have been alive 17,155 days God!!  For that I thank you!!  For that I THANK YOU!! 

 

Moments

June 3, 2013

That moment when shame is clearly connected to manipulation and you have an ah-ha moment for yourself

The moment you start liking your reflection in the mirror of the world

A moment of clarity

Moments in the dark giggling with the one you love

The moment past when you usually would quit

The fleeting moment you see him looking at you like that very first time

The break in the song moments in love

The moment the good outweighs the bad

That moment when memories become clear and vibrant

The moment when Michael Jackson’s voice confirms the presence of God

The moment I said I Do

The moment I called a spade a spade

The moment I didn’t burst into flames like they said I would

A moment where it all lines up perfectly

Some moments that are better than others

Lots of moments of clarity in the midst of chaos

The moments you have to push through

The moment the air conditioner comes on in the car on a hot ass day

The moment you realize you don’t pull a crowd like you used to

The moment you finally get it

The moment you realize adults bully too, it might be slicker and it might be covert but they do

That moment you wanna turn in your card

The moment I held her in my arms

The moment I pranced around naked feeling beautiful in front of a man

The moment I pranced around naked feeling beautiful in front of….ME

The moment you had to actually BE an adult

The moment when you first feel the ‘comfort of a man’

The moment when you first feel the comfort…of…GOD

The moment as a woman you learn to love another woman you are not related to.

The moment you can comfortably say “I am”

The moment you recognize your parents

The moment you recognize your parents in you

The moment you start working on that

All the moments that make up the moments in the fabric of  your life

Subject Noun Verb Agreement

Day 2

I knew I had a knack for writing at around 10 years old when I received a diary from somewhere.  I knew that my words affected folks when my mother read it cover to cover one day.  I remember burning that diary. That incident didn’t stop me from loving words, but it might have shaped how I address them in my life.  I love words.  I love to read them, to feel them, to taste them, especially when someone says something that moves me.  I also hate words.  They have been used to hurt, maim and destroy all around me.  However, if it were not for words, I probably wouldn’t be the halfway sane person I profess to be.

I consider myself creative.  It comes naturally to me.  I also consider myself the owner of many ideas the finisher of few.  Being the Gemini that I am, I flit all over the place sometimes like a bee, dropping little golden pearls of ideas where ever I chose to land that day.

Throughout my life, I have been, despite the chaos at times, pretty clear on the innateness of who I am.  I might not have always shown it, but every time I did something someone else wanted me to do, or changed something about me to appease someone else, that which in me stayed true.  I used to wonder where I got this feeling of ‘freeness’. I used to wonder how in my mind, I was ripe for say 1972 on a bus to LA to dance and sing in the park.  I have cultivated a rich private alternative universe for myself for as long as I can remember.  I figured some of that out when I met my biological father, but that’s another story for another day.

There have been periods of time when words took over me and not vice versa and I have not stopped them from spilling out, that’s not the way I operate – if it’s time, I let it flow however the medium.  Sometimes they come out in a poem, sometimes a short story, sometimes a line in a half written journal entry.

At some point I recognized that I was living on paper and not in real life and that was when I purposely stopped journaling. It was time to BE.  This kinda corresponded with the discovery of the world of blogging and that opened up a whole new arena to express myself.  That first year and my first blog “The Emancipation of Pammie”, was flipping ground breaking in the personal blogging space.  That one year, set in motion so much happiness for me, ya’ll don’t even know.

Fast forward, to another fantastic medium, good ole Facebook.  In that space I have been able to create a running daytime talk show full of all the things I enjoy, while I read and correspond with folks at the SAME DAMN TIME! It’s the perfect joining of all that makes my personality great, lol

I have given this long ass opening to get to this point.  I know how to write, sometimes I enjoy it but it is NOT a particular passion of mines.  If I had to assign it some passion, the passion more so involves being able to convey thoughts, feelings and emotions in an effective way at the appropriate time.  If I say something on Facebook or like now in a blog entry (because sometimes the desire to blog leaves the plate for long periods of time) and it makes someone say wow, damn, or even get the fuck outta here with that bullshit, that creates passion because I am heard and everyone knows I have issues with having a ‘voice’ and so these mediums give me that possibility.

I found this definition that perfectly fit how I feel:

Intrinsic motivation

Since passion can be a type of motivation in hobbies then assessing intrinsic motivation is appropriate. Intrinsic motivation helps define these types of passion. Passion naturally helps the needs or desires that motivate a person to some particular action or behavior. Certain abilities and hobbies can be developed early and the innate motivation is also something that comes early in life. Although someone might know how to engage in a hobby, this doesn’t necessarily mean they are motivated to do it. Christine Robinson makes the point in her article that, ” …knowledge of your innate motivation can help guide action toward what will be fulfilling.” Feeling satisfied and fulfilled builds the passion for the hobby to continue a person’s happiness.

So though I know folks feel that I should be writing, I always say I do write and I’ve given this explanation more times than I care to count.  IF I decide that what I’d like to say should be for sale, I’ll be the first to tell you, but for now…it’s not.