Looking Out My Gym Eye

As long as there are humans there is an opportunity for a blog post because humans are some interesting folk. I’ve been at the gym long enough to observe, study, judge and gather some hilarious stuff to talk about.

When it is $1 down and $10 a month, expect $1 down and $10 a month type of folks

The Circuit Room has gradually turned into a…..club

I have yet to run into the pizza and bagels

You can’t count the 10 minutes it takes you to clean the equipment before you use it as actual work out time

As well as I got concerns if you need to run the machine through a wash cycle after you use it. 

Talking on the phone the full time you are working out talking about you ‘getting it in’…

The women’s locker room is a trip back to Gone With the Wind as folks be getting corsetted up in there with everything from saran wrap to waist cinchers

Looking to the person at your left and seeing they are going two times as fast as you on the bike and then you getting into a competition with them

The man who wears THIS to the gym!

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The man who puts the free weights on the ground at his hands and feet, gets on top of them plank style and does his push ups – STANDING OVATION BROTHER!!

The man who does one rep on a machine and then ties it up for another 30 minutes while he prances around frantically ‘shaking it off’

Monday apparently is young man, free weight, JJ from Good Times lifting night

Love the loc socks the fellas wear

Um mam you and those white sandles with the kitten heel on the leg press…NO MAM!!

Yea, the aggressives scare me

I’m afraid I might step on your five packs of weave spead out like the sun during floor exercises mam

The moment when the fellas are looking at a girl and notice all she’s doing is posing in the mirror and they turn away

Fighting over the tootsie rolls at the end (I earned this bitch)

Doing extra reps so that pictures can be taken

Love the man/woman team workouts

Noticing an older couple working out together and just knowing they still having bomb ass sex

Um, the culture of working out needs to be combined with the culture of taking a shower my African Brothers!

Blowing bubbles with gum while doing cardio – interesting

Sir I’ve never seen you in six months work on your legs, they strong though to hold up that upper body.

Waiting till a light day to try something new – The Arc Glider is NOT for me

You really do wanna grunt when you beasting on a machine

Kudos to the lady on the Oxygen!!

Having to make sure you get your picture on the machines before the hour is up or it will cut off

The mirrors at the gym are the best mirrors EVER and you wish they used those instead of the circus trick mirrors they use in the dressing rooms!

Sir if you are gonna wear your PJ’s to the gym put some drawers on!!!

Mam you could have fit some panties on under those short shorts

Black Girls DO work out!!!!!!!!

Making my ‘I’m swole in my mind” walk across the gym floor in front of the fellas to go pick up my 7 lb weights, lol lol lol

Smiling when folks start recognizing you as a GASP “Regular”

I LOVE MY GYM!!!!

 

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Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Couch…

I am a platinum member of the Coach Potato club. I hold that honor proudly.  I do soo much on my damn couch.  I write, I watch TV, I get my internet on,  I read, I socialize, I eat, I make out with my husband, I take some good ass naps!  My couch freaking ROCKS!!  It all started with some subtle ‘shade’ (this is when folks say some slick shit about something you have going on) about how much I know about all things Television (that’s another blog).  I ignored that for the most part, but the first of the year was coming up and I was feeling antsy about something to do.  In the mail over the course of a few weeks, I got a flyer for a new gym opening up the street. I was like, ‘really in the hood?”  It was only a dollar to join and $10/month.

I’m a strange bird, due to my upbringing and the way I ingested it, I flare up when told to do something, especially if it’s tinged with force or shame.  Yea it’s kept me from doing a lot of shit and caused problems, but I will not do it till I get good and damn ready because of this little flaw.  When the ‘awakening’ comes to me, it can be the littlest thing.  January came and I still had the flyer, an associate of mines (a really nice sista) sent me a simple text stating that she had joined and I should to.  It was as simple as that.  I went up there and was amazed at how clean and modern and functional it was.  I also was interested because there were no classes.  I really am not that coordinated (well now I’m a lot better).  Anyhoo I joined and began the journey.

At first, I was all on the 30 minutes of cardio in and out.  Then I started reading and learning and decided that I would add weights because hell I had NO IDEA how my body would react to this thing here. I was a Weight Watchers girl. I could lose weight easily but never incorporated working out.  I started going and Lord was I pitiful.  5 minutes on the bike, I could barely make it through circuit training etc.  I realized that I was super duper out of shape.  Didn’t matter if I was thin(ner)

Suddenly I started to take it seriously. It was great for stress.  I moved away from the circuit training and started walking on the treadmill and riding the bike and lifting lightly.  From my previous attempts to get fit, I had a HATE relationship with the Eliptical Machine. Who in the hell made that instrument of torture and what person decided it was a gateway to fitness?!  One day I stepped on it. I did three minutes which at the time was equivalent to the NY Marathon, lol That bitch hurt.  But unlike the last time, I decided to keep trying it, I could do this.  Time went past and I started thinking about and looking forward to going to the…gym.  I got back on Weight Watchers to aid in my getting fit.

Now don’t think there have not been some struggles.  The internet will run you crazy trying to keep up or do what they say.  There is soo much information out there, you don’t know what to believe.  “If you don’t squat you should die” “anything less than 5 hours in the gym 6 days a week you are a failure” “use this machine, don’t use that machine” etc. etc.  A woman has been conditioned to believe that if there is no weight loss, there is no success. Black women have been conditioned to believe that if you are not shading or saying fuck you to the world whenever we do something we are not succeeding.  it’s a lot to grasp.  Then you have your own ‘issues’ with your body, the way it looks etc.  I have  another HATE relationship and its’ with my shape. I’m an apple on a stick. I HATE my mid section!!  It just laughs and laughs and protrudes away.  But something in side of me said press on.

So here we are six months in!  I’ve gone every other day, missing maybe only two days.  I now go between 4-5 days a week and anything less than an hour is unacceptable, lol  I also am outside exercising.  I now own bonafide exercise clothes, lol I bought sneakers ( and I don’t even like sneakers), I plan out my days and meals and television schedule to make sure I’m not missing working out.  I am also keeping track of the changes.

This post is not really about the numbers, but an acknowledgement of the journey.  There are numbers, damn good numbers all the way around,  but there are also so many other things.

So what’s up for the next six months? Well. I’m still in a quandry as to whether I want to be fit or athletic, that is something I’ve never fanthomed I’d consider, lol  I’m interested in doing one bad ass fitness thing (like kick boxing)  I might run a 5K in the fall who knows? but right now.. let’s just take it one day, one workout and one meal at a time.

 

The Changes in Six Months

When the escalator goes out, I no longer just say ‘fuck it’ and get back on the train and go back home to call in sick

My husband can finally walk his regular gait

Oh I have a shadow of an Ass AND an actual one that is rounded

When I go to the ladies room at work, the sanitary disposal no longer flaps up and down cause my big ass trips the sensor

My posture has improved

I am sleeping so much better

I have shoulders, lol

I think I’m bad, lol

I am not having pre-menstrual issues anymore

The fat hump on my neck disappeared

I can sit with my legs crossed

When I play wrestle with my husband, he has to wrestle a little harder

I made it past the New Year Resolutions Folks

I have the beginnings of a end table and not a cocktail table

The gap when I walk is real baby!

I shaved 3 full minutes off my walk from my desk to the train station

I run towards things now

I’ve been to the park more in the past six months than the past six years

I park way in the back

I actually carry a basket to get some bicep reps in at the grocery store

I saw my husband fall in love with me again,while watching me work out

I feel a lot more confident

I’ve made new friends

I’ve cracked open a cookbook

I’ve got outside my comfort zone

I don’t jiggle

I can twerk much better

The under wire on my bra now sits ‘under’ my chest not making a dent in my damn stomach

The bath towel  does not fit like a hospital gown anymore – it closes all the way

I am almost at my goal of putting my foot behind my head

BET on Black!

I ran across an extended trailer for a new show coming on the Black Entertainment Television a/k/a BET starring Gabrielle Union called “Being Mary Jane”  now based on the rep of the channel, you almost want to think it’s about the life of Marijuana (as if it has it’s own separate life) but actually I have been following this show and am eagerly awaiting it to come on in July.  

I have a sometime lunch partner at work.  When we do have lunch 98% of our conversation is usually abstractly centered on films and television (and politics).  We have had three or four days of robust conversation about Halle Berry and when she’s not the topic of conversation, Monique has been our new muse, lol  

She also has been keeping up with “Being Mary Jane” and today we got into this conversation about BET and we both decided that BET better not be trying to sneak back in at momma’s house during the holidays in a classic Sophia move!!

As we spoke, my mind went back to the beginnings of BET. I remember the first day.  I think I’ve skipped school for television twice in my life. Once for Greg and Jenny’s wedding on All My Children and the first day of BET.  It was January 25, 1980 (all information comes from Wikipedia, I’m good but not THAT good, lol).  An entire channel dedicated to the souls of black folks! WOW!  

We were hooked!  Donnie and Sherry kept us coming back. The music video was up and running and suddenly you could ‘see’ your favorite song and the folks who sung it.  

I told her that though BET has has some iffy, janky periods, I couldn’t not love BET and some of the things it exposed me to.  BET introduced me to a wild afro’ed GOD named Maxwell! He came on Rachel’s Show “Planet Groove”  It introduced me to Erykah Badu.  I remember that so vividly because I cried listening to her.  I have NO IDEA where I was in my head at the time, but I remember sitting on the floor in front of the TV and tears just streaming listening to her sing.  Remember Video Vibrations?  Cita used to slay me! Teen Summit (even though I was a bit older) was a great show.  Comic View introduced me to adult comedy. Remember when we had….NEWS!  I used to watch BET for a couple of hours a day.

Then I got older and BET went somewhere dark and I couldn’t follow it.  I could just blame Bob Johnson but as I looked at it today, it was a combination one two punch of trying to figure out a way to embrace rap/hip hop and push the envelope and give a voice to black folks  who’s exact fault is it really that the culture and the people embracing and presenting the new culture seemingly took a walk on the gully side?

We cussed BET out on the DAILY!!  I mean WTH WTF and WTH again, lol  It seemed like the powers that be just held up their middle finger at the collective.

Then one day they had a show called the BET Awards.  Folks were like WHOAAA!  What a great production (well you know what I mean still BET but the show and the performers and the appearances of folks from days gone by wow!).  Then the BET Honors, the the BET Hip Hop Awards and the CYPHERS! Folks like me were coming back to BET like 3 or 4 times a year and we didn’t burst into flames, lol

Next they started trying to have scripted shows.  They revived The Game (it’s biggest endeavor in my opinion) and after tossing that up in the air over an open damn flame, it finally got it’s foot hole and I actually jumped up at this years mid-season finale. They have tried a couple of shows and they keep trying.

Now they have deals for more original programming and something I’m actually looking forward to seeing.

I had to find some way to describe how I feel about BET and this is what I came up with:

BET is the child that was raised with you in the same household by the same parents. Ya’ll were given the same instruction and belief system YET at some point, it decided to go out into the world and find itself.  It was all over the place ho’ing and partying and acting a damn fool and you sat and wondered how could two entities raised in the same house turn out so very differently!

Then one day, they start trying to come around to the house again.  They show up for a couple of Sunday dinners and you notice they are looking and sounding better on a more consistent basis. Suddenly them and their kids are at Thanksgiving dinner and everyone is just like ‘come on in..come on lala and man man, we see ya’ll”  Now no one forgets how you been out there wilding and all these damn kids and how you look a bit rough around the edges..but you family..so get you and yo kids a plate”

BET might just be showing up for Thanksgiving soon if they keep it up.  

17,155 Days

 

 

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June 4, 2013

17,155 that how many days God has blessed me to be alive!!  That’s 47 years I’ve been on this earth weaving the fabric of my life.

I had a beautiful day. I woke up with the resolve to set it aside and just be in the moment with no background noise and that’s just what I did.

Facebook sure can make you feel special!!  Over 80 declarations of Happy Birthday! All kinds of love!!  I am so appreciative and I will hold these sentiments close to my heart and pick at them over the next 365 when I need them!

I’ve had lunch with my bestie, connected with a person off of Facebook, talked at length with my Sister and Dad, used gift cards and broke bread with my family.  

I wanted to think all deep about my birthday and lay out all kinds of emotionally reverent conversation, but I then said Nope!  It’s really not that serious.  I spend so much time being serious and thinking serious and contemplating, analyzing, reconciling etc. that I have to schedule times to just not give a fuck and like I said above, just walk in the moment without all the extra!!  

There is room in your life to just twirl and not hit anything.  I totally am clearing the field to run unhindered in it.  

Today was my birthday, I have been alive 17,155 days God!!  For that I thank you!!  For that I THANK YOU!! 

 

Life is But…

So King Bey is back to take over her spot.  Afer watching her documentary, the one thing I identify with her with is the way she loves her man.  It can be difficult to feel that way as a woman and express it because of all the stigmas that can be in place among black women about loving your man.  You always seem to have to ‘pretend’ you dig him but you are not “head over loopy I wanna cry cause he made me” in love, lol.  To be that in love does not make you weak.

I’m going through one of my ‘annoyed at humans’ period, lol  They are not as bad as they used to be, lol

Usually, more than likely, I am aware of the power of punctuation so saying that, unless I end something with a question mark (?), or word it in such a way as to come across as a request, I’m not looking for answers or solutions, I am just being vocal. 

I miss my bonus daughter

Last night as I lay in bed, it crossed my mind that what makes this particular situation different is that there’s really no fighting for the relationship (not related to the blurb above).  It is frighteningly easy to just live life with no thought of them and a feeling that they can live life with no thought either. I have gone years with no real concrete thoughts or feelings about people and I’m sure they have done the same.  How I know this is not right is that there are people in my life where I can’t go 15 minutes without thoughts of them.  I got sad, but life goes on.  

I’m ok with the thought that my daughter might be married in the next few years.  I do know I’m probably going to have to get some others on board, at minimum, in understanding the process.

I’m mad that I have to give the entire Will Downing Musical library to one relationship, lol  I can’t even bring any of the songs to my present because they all bring up the same person and the same situation. Damn!  

That’s ok, we have KEM all to ourselves, lol

One of the main reasons why a lottery win would be so beautiful is actually not the financial let up, but the ability to take time to travel this entire planet that God gave us and experience it with my husband. Friends and family would join us on and off, but I would love and dream of first classing it all over the world with my man.

If I were to win, I would have a web series chronicling it.  I wouldn’t freak out and decide to go all ghost etc.  I would bring folks into it.

I miss MIchael Jackson

I’ve seen and felt the shade thrown at me about a number of things..don’t think I haven’t.

I’m a whiner, I know this, I acknowledge this and if something arises to give me reign to whine (like this tooth ache) I’m taking it and run with it, lol

Pop culture is important to me.  It always has been.  I take it somewhat seriously and enjoy digging and searching and sharing and surprisingly I have scooped some of the bigger blogs.  

I wish I could start my facebook page all over again..sigh

I was going to do this long drawn out explanation as to my love affair with the television, but then I really was like, who exactly do I owe this explanation to. I’m really not concerned with how or what folks feel about me and my television, lol lol  folks were starting to rent space in my head that could be filled with some good TV, lol

Fuck a whole bunch of people, places and things, lol lol

The gym is making me feel strong and helping me have deep breaths and walk longer and faster.  

I’m glad to be back reading socially.  It’s taken awhile, but I’m back.

I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin, with my own self and the things that make me happy. I am spending less time in my head going over stuff and more time just flowing.  I think I am doing a great job at changing my story and re-looking at stuff and lessening the stress in my life.  I feel I am in the doorway of self peace.

I am beginning to like the fact that I’m interesting to me and that’s pretty much all that matters. I have all these sparks of excitement riding side by side with doing absolutely NOTHING, lol It’s who I am – I am great at being medium.  That takes a lot of pressure off of me.  Now I’m sure the ‘life is more and perfect’ warriors will be in an uproar (lol) but I spend time with me, I know me and I journey as me and tapping into some of me has allowed me to be receptive to the good and the bad – stressing myself out all the time to be someone I’m not is over.  I’m just gonna be…ME.

On February 5th, I had a two hour conversation with someone.  After that conversation, I went over the rocky journey (this part of it) and came to the thought process that what I got from this bout of turmoil was an understanding of…compassion.  I have always admired my daughter for her compassion but I became aware of the emotion just recently.  Having compassion allowed me to get to the point to pick up the phone, in spite of, because as I learn about myself, I learn about others. I had time to take a seat and listen to the message.  I picked up that phone with a different idea and it will allow me to continue to pick up the phone on my terms for my reasons.  We’ve spoken through other mediums a few times.  I’ve always said and maintained that “I am not a savage or being disrespectful – I’m trying to be a stronger me, so that it can be about we”  I’m well on my way.

It Has Happened In My Life – My ‘Catfish” moment

So, there’s this show on MTV called “Catfish”.  It’s based off this guy Neev’s documentary about him being in an online relationship with someone who turned out to not be who they said they were.  Now what makes this different than say someone saying they are one weight and you meet them they turn out to be another, is that you consider yourself in an actual relationship with the person, there has to be at least six months of communicating and the person has to be totally different such as a boy instead of a girl, another race etc. than all of the pictures or descriptions they have given you.  That show keeps me anxiety ridden.  So far it’s all ended on an OMG level of disappointment and I just feel so sorry for those folks.

It has also sparked comments and what not from that part of the human race that can’t imagine this happening to them or just in a state of mystification as to how this can actually happen and of course that the folks this happens to must be off their rocker to begin with.

Well I don’t consider myself to be any more or less unstable than the next person; but I do have the distinction of not having dated offline in like 8 years and having a relationship with someone who ultimately I never met.  It’s not a full blown Catfish story, but the fact I never met them face to face and considered myself ‘involved’ does put it in the ball park.

How We Met

I was working as an English Teacher at PCDI. (that was a cool job).  You’ve heard of them, you can work on Jr. college level or HS programs in the comfort of your own home. Well I was one of the folks you called, to talk about your lesson or get help etc. etc.  He called in and his voice had me melting in my seat!!!  OMG!  It was this perfect blend of sexy, fine and radio late night. Being my personality, we just clicked, I helped him and he began calling back requesting me. That’s how it all began.

Taking It Out The Classroom

At some point he asked for my personal number and breaking some if not ALL of the rules of engagement, I gave it to him.  We began speaking in the evening for hours on end.  At the time I wasn’t dating anyone and having someone to converse with that was funny, etc. was great.  He was so interesting. He was in a go-go band, he had this active life and he could make me laugh.  Now this was before your smart phones and Facebook and basically, outside of say AOL, all mediums where you could validate the authenticity of someone and what they were saying.  Basically, this was during the period where folks actually used ‘chat lines’ (this was around 97 or so).

How it became a ‘relationship’

It just became this regular part of our lives.  We spoke a couple times a day, we would sit down in our respective spaces and have dinner together, he would do a show and put me on speaker phone so i could hear his solo’s or his practices, he asked the necessary questions that you would ask if you were ‘dating’ someone.  He cared about my well being. We argued, we laughed, we made plans, we dreamed…together.

Were we intimate?

Yep – you can use your imagination there, lol

Did I ever ‘see’ Him?

Actually, we also wrote each other, so we talked on the phone and wrote.  I sent him some pictures (because he didn’t know what I looked like either) and I remember he sent me his work ID (LOL) that had his picture.  He was not unattractive.

Were we going to meet?

You know in a weird kinda way, it wasn’t overly discussed. I think we ‘attempted’ to meet like twice and he was the one who backed out.  I was upset both times.

How did it end?

Somewhere in there, it got to be tiresome arranging my life around the phone, not ever having an in person man to take me to the movies etc. etc.  During this time, I had switched jobs to working at City Hall.  This job exposed me to all kinds of people in person all day long. A nice looking fireman started hanging around my desk and it provided the in person stimulation I had started to crave and so as my interest for him grew, my patience with my phone boyfriend lessened.  By the time I went on two dates with fireman, I told phone boyfriend about it and decided that I needed to focus more on the real possibility and not the imagined one.  I chose to cut off all communication. IT HURT and I went through the same process you go through if you break up with anyone.

How long did this last?

I can’t remember exactly but somewhere in the 9 months to 1 year period of time.

How did I get in this situation?

Well it tapped into my feeling that I couldn’t attract a man just based on my looks.  I had always believed that I had way more personality and if a man could ‘see’ that, the rest would follow. All of the ‘meet before you greet’ mediums appealed to me.  I also had a small child at the time, and it was a way to carry on my life while maintaining my role as a mom.  I never assumed he was in it for some mean reason and I still don’t think that to this day. Talking and relating to folks comes on different levels. My whole stint in that world up until meeting my husband has been one of the most interesting aspects of my life.  I learned A LOT about men and what makes them tick and it really got me in tune to the quieter more introspective side of the species.  So ultimately you could say (if you are trying to be snarky) that me having low self esteem when it came to attracting to men, made me a prime candidate for this type of thing.

Did you EVER meet the man?

Nope, lol  however, I ran into him on Facebook and I wrote him privately and he remembered me (cause hey who knows, lol) We had a few laughs and kept it moving.

The people next door and their fascination with things that go vroom are going to RUN ME CRAZY!!

I almost burst into tears I was so excited to be walking the aisles of Publix actually buying something that wasn’t all about volume.

Shouldn’t Sharon Osborne be mentioning that she had a bypass in her Atkins Commercial?  Like say that she used Atkins in addition to the surgery?  hmmmm

Now can the countdown to Walking Dead begin?!?!

I took a VERY good course called “Crucial Conversations” and it really gave me things to think about and look at.  I intend to use the concept more often.

It’s weird that I have all these skills but suddenly I feel like I have none.

There is no better feeling than that of a new craft.  Turning a pile of something into something that brings you joy because of it’s beauty…wow.  I can’t wait to roll this out.

Just when the entire thing is tipping over and life is sliding forward, there is this gentle wind that blows it back..I am beginning to understand….God.

I  wish the Django dolls were out when I was younger – I would have liked a rough around the edges black man for my Barbie instead of the smooth around the edges love of the Ivory Bottle that she actually ended up having to marry.

Since we made it our business to find smaller restaurants to eat at, I get hankerings for big box meals, lol lol  Right now it’s Red Lobster!  I want some stuff mushrooms NOW!!

I bet someone could create a quite fulfilling social life just using Groupon, Half Off Depot etc.

I am still trying to figure out who to replace Kenya Moore with on my girl crush list. I need to try to remember WHY she was on it.  the only person worthy of such a title is Rupaul, lol

My MJ 2013 year has began slow but the kickoff has been meaningful.  I need to make my list of possible additions to my collection and why kind of way I can be engaged with others as we celebrate.

I found some old CD’s from back in the day, One in particular “Pam’s Groove 5 year 2005” has had me hollaring.  Good music though – good music.

I think that I have created a hair texture that was not originally coming out of my head through the use of product and care.  If a dude can continuously brush waves in his hair until he eventually has them – why can’t you develop your texture as a natural?  I didn’t have this texture as a child, i might have worn it if I had, lol

Speaking of..has the transition to Natural become the new “are you pregnant?”  What I mean is – when you see someone who seems to be going natural, do you ask?  Maybe they just haven’t gotten around to getting to the hair dresser?  LOL  I guess you just have to wait until either they speak OR you see a style that is in the Natural hair playbook to confirm.

I really like Instagram, but I find it disturbing how negative and evil folks can be towards celebrities.  It really has given me a peep into life on the other side.  You do have to be a special kinda strong because you are going to be vilified.

I can’t wait for my new glasses to come in – this idea was a great discovery in being bold with my look but if I push these up on my nose one more damn time!!!!

I really think I’m beginning pre-menopause.

I’m keeping this hair so that when I cut it down this color will be gone. I was not impressed and want to go back to my blonde/brown color.

I have got to get a hold of my diet.  It’s right at the cusp of tipping over and I refuse to go all the way back there.  I refuse!!

Looking around..yea we have officially moved all the way in, lol lol

As soon as I get back into a space of financial security, my entire family is going on a sock and drawers run!!!

My friend told me to get some sage to balance out my home – next grocery trip that’s on the list.

I need to pull out all the hidden TO DO lists I’ve developed over the years and DO SOMETHING off each one.

The summer at this house is going to be beautiful.

 

Looking Towards The Sun….

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“We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad.” 
― John Green

Death is not familiar to me.  The last time it came to my doorstep was 19 years ago.(I will leave Michael Jackson out of this particular conversation)  I remember it burst through my door, interrupting my life and leaving it’s mess around trying to soil the fabric of my life.  

Yesterday it dawned my doorstep again and though it had the nerve to make a reservation it still came as an intrusion, demanding my attention.  

I’m an interesting soul.  I rarely grieve for myself in full, I tend to project and absorb the feeling of grief as it affects others. So my words through my tears are more likely to be, how can they go on without their dad as opposed to I am going to xyz. 

So living in the space I live in now, I allowed it to do what it does.  I opened my arms and encircled all the people this would affect the most.  Surprisingly there’s sadness, but acceptance.  Everyone is doing exceptionally well.  

The reflection has been great, the memories sharp and that’s the way it should be.  At our burials we pass out peppermints so that we can remember the good things and have a good taste in our mouths as we remember that person. 

I’m sure the winds of grief has not left us and when we least expect it it will blow in knocking us down in submission to it’s will, but our belief in God is what will get us off our knees and looking towards the sun..it is our belief that get us off our knees.

I say farewell to a man who added such vibrant, colorful threads to the fabric of so many lives, when we get up off our knees and look to the sun, we will certainly see your smile.

 

Collard Greens and Black Eye Peas Thoughts

I can’t wait for the first summer in this house!! It’s going to be fantastic!!

I’ve learned without a shadow of a doubt from being on both sides of the saying that “people take solace in knowing your life isn’t perfect, but they don’t want to hear about it”

I see people alive after horrible diagnosis and wish all we are gonna end up with wasn’t a funeral..

At some point my Facebook world went from being a deep novel to an online magazine full of pop up ads…starting to look for the next social media hot spot.

I really am going to be cognizant of how much of myself I give to folks.  I won’t really be in the ‘counseling’ business in 2013. I got burned bad this past year and totally misread a relationship, but when the table was upright and turned – I was left to wave in the wind…nah won’t be doing that again.

I wonder what the real uproar is about Shawty Lo, is it his situation or that it’s going to be shown on television.  His situation is surely not some kind of outside the norm in our community, Take away half the moms and hell you have my Father, lol lol From what I can gather, he claims them all, he takes care of them, they know and love him and he (I think) is trying to keep his family together.  Instead of the ‘oh I’m so ashamed’ conversation – it should be sparking the real conversation of our community, our sex, our babies and all these wayward families we got out here.

I am amazed at how much ‘reality’ lives and breathes in Atlanta, lol lol 

I’m glad I saw Django if for no other reason than the addition to my husband and my daily conversation of “what is that nigga doing on a horse?”  all variations of that and in every modern day situation we can think of, lol lol lol 

I’m still waiting on the mature one of the bunch.

I’m going to keep my promises more.

I might add another person to my one way trying to maintain relationsihps

I am thankful that I’m so complex. I can swing effortlessly (in my opinion) through all kinds of topics, conversations, feelings and what not.  It keeps my mind sharp.

I swear fo God I’m going to watch less TV this year.

I am quite excited about the bubbling up of this newest creative endeavor.

I am SOOO filing for Bankruptcy as soon as I am able.  

If the fiscal cliff happens consider me laid out on the rocks at the bottom.

I won’t be adding me to her so much in 2013 she carries a lot as the conduit to keeping us all in the loop.

Last Year the Jacksons gave me sooo much joy and I have a feeling this year will be a pretty good one in the world of the Jacksons as well.  I can’t wait.  

I actually am still kinda to the left about how ‘ugly’ Kenya Moore turned out to be, lol  I know I know but it is just so….wow.

How come I knew all about Shirley Franklin’s tenure at mayor of Atlanta, but I don’t know what Kasim Reed is doing.

MLK Bday and the inauguration are the same day – oh joy!!

I so want to plan something special for my husbands 45 bday this year.  He deserves it.

I don’t have tuition, God help me.

Hearing Not None Of It

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I started out like six months into 2012 thinking that this year would be about ‘fearlessness’ but I see I still need to work on something else, so it will carry on into this year.  THIS WILL BE THE LAST YEAR MOTHERFUCKERS TRY TO DICTATE HOW I FEEL, WHAT I SAY AND HOW I ACT THUS THIS WILL BE THE LAST YEAR I ALLOW FOLKS TO DO THAT.  

I don’t know what it is about me that makes folks think that they can just keep me jumping through hoops for their benefit.  I really need to figure that out.  On some level I can’t believe that I am still dealing with ‘voice’ issues but apparently, I haven’t been clear enough in demonstrating that those days are over.

If I express discontent, anger, bitterness, etc.  folks all up in the mix trying to sway me in another direction.  MY ENTIRE LIFE…I have been put into this box where you need not say, feel, or think anything but what is told to you, what others feel is appropriate and how others have decided you should act.  UM NO MAM and NO SIR!!  Not this year.

This doesn’t have to be about being violent, or ugly, or combative but I need to BE ME!! If at the time that’s some evil bitch then so be it, or if it’s this silly young feeling nymph then so be that.

I have gotten to the point where I’m tired of it.  If I don’t want to have a person in my sphere, they are not going to be, if I don’t feel a certain way about something then I won’t.  If something is my personal belief and it doesn’t mesh with others then so be it.

I see this year being real revealing on a whole bunch of levels. I ended the year with a whole bunch of stuff on my chest because in some cases it was the right thing to do – I’m actually a much more edgy person than I tend to project and 2013 would be a good time to merge both the twins more often.