It is the color of light,
The shape of sound high in the evergreens
It lies suspended in hills,
A blue line in a red sky.
I am looking at sound.
I am hearing the brightness
Of high bluffs and almond trees
I am tasting the wilderness
of lakes, rivers, and streams
Caught in an angle of song.
I am remembering water
That glows in the dawn
The motion tumbled in earth
Life hidden in mounds.
I am dancing a bright beam of light
I am remembering love.
Nina Mosley – Love Jones
The definition of Love and what constitutes love has always been a mystery to me. I didn’t grow up in a household where you could clearly develop a sense of what that was between a man and a woman. I got more of a lesson on what I did NOT want in my life moreso than what I did. It was all very technical, mechanical and business like from my vantage point. If I had never picked up a book and through the power of reading, had a blossoming of what kind of ‘love’ I wanted (though this is dangerous and I wasted some time looking for that) I don’t think I would have ever known what it might could be. Even with that, I entered into the love game very sterile and strict, even though my very nature was wild and free. That spirit was CRUSHED and it took awhile to get that back.
As I look over the piece of my life where those things are kept – I can’t even lie, I have been privy to have known casually and in the Biblical sense some really great men and I’ve had probably more than my fair share of good dick (this is an adult blog – and I am grown) but the picture I had built of Love kept falling short. There were bits and pieces but I never could get my stake in the love game up above say 40% and that’s just not enough.
You go through these periods where you try again and again to define what it is that will make you ‘feel’ the way you want to feel on a continuous basis. You know, the ‘look’ and ‘feel’ of Love. We all know the look and feel of lust and it’s so easy to get them confused. You start trying to force the lust to be love, but at some point the high just disappears and as you shake and moan from the withdrawal there is nothing there to replace it at the original source, so there you go looking for a new source. This can add up quickly if you are not careful. I never fell into that cycle (God is Merciful), but I totally understand the psychology behind how you can.
I am a believer that all women eventually get to a period of life where they have to submit to the notion that maybe it’s not gonna be there for them. I remember mine, I wrote about it on a previous blog. I had looked at that empty side of the bed for wayy to long and it had finally broke me. I had to begin the process of accepting that I might have to change the long term goal and figure out what of the short term goal I was willing to accept. I always called this the Frankenstein affect – just build you a man out of the best parts of maybe a few, lol
Yet, like it happens to us a lot of times, right when we think we are at the end, God shows up and shows out and I am blessed that is what happened to me and I met my husband – on the social network site Black Planet. Change can happen in an instant and that’s just what happened – I went from a broke shared needle in a back alley of love to a portable pump plugged right into my jugular vein!! THANK YOU GOD!
At some point in the relationship, I went back and tried to figure out what the missing link had been before. I did not project this outward but inward. It was not a beat myself up party, but more like a performance review of sorts. I came up with one main thing: I presented myself as a wife and gave me all the privileges and honors bestowed around a husband that he DIDN’T deserve or even ask for. When I learned how to just be a woman first and pack up all my pots, pans, laundry detergent, I got your back luggage and wait for an INVITATION to do such, things changed. I was groomed and raised to be a wife and mother – yet I jumped ahead of the horse and became one with out being asked. This time I got asked!
Then the Relationship kicked in. We have been through some difficult times here lately – all the love in the world does not exempt you from the storms that may arise – it shelters, but does not exempt. I know I have a wonderful man, he proves and shows it every day but there are those moments that deserve special recognition because they teach me..about me.
Two things recently happened that solidified that I had the look and feel of…Love. The other day he woke up and said he had a horrible dream. I knew he was dreaming cause he was moaning and kinda thrashing about. Usually when he does this, he is fighting – scars from the past coming via his dreams to haunt him, but this time he surprised me.
He said he was dreaming that he was in someone’s home and he kept trying to get to his home and he kept looking for me and trying to reach me and he couldn’t, He then thought that he should call me to wake him up from the dream so he could come home. This MOVED ME!! This man was dreaming of trying and not being able to get home to…me. To hear that I was ‘home’ is a powerful statement of Love…powerful.
Then last evening, I came home and when he’s there we have this thing where we get in the bed and for about 30 minutes we just lay there face to face and ‘connect’ it’s not sexual it’s intimate. Last evening, I crawled in and he just spoke to me in low tones about how much he loves me, he likes to smell me and smell my hair and he rubs my head and we just take that time to connect. INTIMACY.
This morning on the train, my mind wandered to my past, I thought about how in your life, you will be lucky to feel some of the best crotch love your body can handle, but you are BLESSED if you ever get to come upon the look and feel of the L-O-V-E that happens between your ears.
I always want for my sister what I want for myself and so I hope that if you are with your definition of love, whether you knew it in advance or you discovered it through that person that you take advantage of that high daily and if you are not in that place, that you continuously save a part of yourself for the possibility and you don’t assume that just because it hasn’t happened yet, that it won’t. Because the greatest thing you will ultimately get out of the journey or the destination is that the most ULTIMATE look and feel of Love is the one YOU GIVE YOURSELF!