L-O-V-E

It is the color of light,

The shape of sound high in the evergreens
It lies suspended in hills,
A blue line in a red sky.
I am looking at sound.
I am hearing the brightness
Of high bluffs and almond trees
I am tasting the wilderness
of lakes, rivers, and streams
Caught in an angle of song.
I am remembering water
That glows in the dawn
The motion tumbled in earth
Life hidden in mounds.
I am dancing a bright beam of light
I am remembering love.

Nina Mosley – Love Jones

The definition of Love and what constitutes love has always been a mystery to me. I didn’t grow up in a household where you could clearly develop a sense of what that was between a man and a woman. I got more of a lesson on what I did NOT want in my life moreso than what I did. It was all very technical, mechanical and business like from my vantage point. If I had never picked up a book and through the power of reading, had a blossoming of what kind of ‘love’ I wanted (though this is dangerous and I wasted some time looking for that) I don’t think I would have ever known what it might could be. Even with that, I entered into the love game very sterile and strict, even though my very nature was wild and free. That spirit was CRUSHED and it took awhile to get that back.

As I look over the piece of my life where those things are kept – I can’t even lie, I have been privy to have known casually and in the Biblical sense some really great men and I’ve had probably more than my fair share of good dick (this is an adult blog – and I am grown) but the picture I had built of Love kept falling short. There were bits and pieces but I never could get my stake in the love game up above say 40% and that’s just not enough.

You go through these periods where you try again and again to define what it is that will make you ‘feel’ the way you want to feel on a continuous basis. You know, the ‘look’ and ‘feel’ of Love. We all know the look and feel of lust and it’s so easy to get them confused. You start trying to force the lust to be love, but at some point the high just disappears and as you shake and moan from the withdrawal there is nothing there to replace it at the original source, so there you go looking for a new source. This can add up quickly if you are not careful. I never fell into that cycle (God is Merciful), but I totally understand the psychology behind how you can.

I am a believer that all women eventually get to a period of life where they have to submit to the notion that maybe it’s not gonna be there for them. I remember mine, I wrote about it on a previous blog. I had looked at that empty side of the bed for wayy to long and it had finally broke me. I had to begin the process of accepting that I might have to change the long term goal and figure out what of the short term goal I was willing to accept. I always called this the Frankenstein affect – just build you a man out of the best parts of maybe a few, lol

Yet, like it happens to us a lot of times, right when we think we are at the end, God shows up and shows out and I am blessed that is what happened to me and I met my husband – on the social network site Black Planet. Change can happen in an instant and that’s just what happened – I went from a broke shared needle in a back alley of love to a portable pump plugged right into my jugular vein!! THANK YOU GOD!

At some point in the relationship, I went back and tried to figure out what the missing link had been before. I did not project this outward but inward. It was not a beat myself up party, but more like a performance review of sorts. I came up with one main thing: I presented myself as a wife and gave me all the privileges and honors bestowed around a husband that he DIDN’T deserve or even ask for. When I learned how to just be a woman first and pack up all my pots, pans, laundry detergent, I got your back luggage and wait for an INVITATION to do such, things changed. I was groomed and raised to be a wife and mother – yet I jumped ahead of the horse and became one with out being asked. This time I got asked!

Then the Relationship kicked in. We have been through some difficult times here lately – all the love in the world does not exempt you from the storms that may arise – it shelters, but does not exempt. I know I have a wonderful man, he proves and shows it every day but there are those moments that deserve special recognition because they teach me..about me.

Two things recently happened that solidified that I had the look and feel of…Love. The other day he woke up and said he had a horrible dream. I knew he was dreaming cause he was moaning and kinda thrashing about. Usually when he does this, he is fighting – scars from the past coming via his dreams to haunt him, but this time he surprised me.

He said he was dreaming that he was in someone’s home and he kept trying to get to his home and he kept looking for me and trying to reach me and he couldn’t, He then thought that he should call me to wake him up from the dream so he could come home. This MOVED ME!! This man was dreaming of trying and not being able to get home to…me. To hear that I was ‘home’ is a powerful statement of Love…powerful.

Then last evening, I came home and when he’s there we have this thing where we get in the bed and for about 30 minutes we just lay there face to face and ‘connect’ it’s not sexual it’s intimate. Last evening, I crawled in and he just spoke to me in low tones about how much he loves me, he likes to smell me and smell my hair and he rubs my head and we just take that time to connect. INTIMACY.

This morning on the train, my mind wandered to my past,  I thought about how in your life, you will be lucky to feel some of the best crotch love your body can handle, but you are BLESSED if you ever get to come upon the look and feel of the L-O-V-E that happens between your ears.

I always want for my sister what I want for myself and so I hope that if you are with your definition of love, whether you knew it in advance or you discovered it through that person that you take advantage of that high daily and if you are not in that place, that you continuously save a part of yourself for the possibility and you don’t assume that just because it hasn’t happened yet, that it won’t. Because the greatest thing you will ultimately get out of the journey or the destination is that the most ULTIMATE look and feel of Love is the one YOU GIVE YOURSELF!

 

 

2190

This time six years ago, I was prepping to marry my best friend.  Yep, it’s my anniversary.  2190 that’s how many days we’ve been married.  We’ve been together 2555 days. That’s an accomplishment people.  Especially in the fast paced world of instant gratification we live in today.  I am happy and blessed to have accomplished this.  I don’t have a lot of deep sentimental things to share, but as always, I have observations, tidbits and memories:

I remember like it was yesterday our first date – we met at Phiipps Plaza here in Atlanta because he worked at Macy’s at the time.  We were going to see “Last Holiday” with Queen Latifah.  My very first thought when he came up the escalator? “My he has a huge head” LOL

He admitted to me a couple years into the relationship, that the very first time he visited my home he stopped at the drug store and bought new socks because his were STANKIN.  He hasn’t stopped and gotten new socks for my benefit since then, lol lol

The first time he called my office, he listened to my message and immediately knew that I was mocking Big Red from the Five Heartbeats..

I’ve been proposed to three times in my life and two of those times the men were unclothed.

I have vacationed more with him than anyone else..ever.

On a major level, we don’t have a whole lot of activities we enjoy in common but on a deeper emotional level we share A LOT and that makes us able to share activities.

Marriage is a VERB. it’s all the way an action item in your life. It’s a MUSCLE that needs to actively be exercised or it will lose it’s bulk and become weak.

We both agree we met at the correct time because if we had of met earlier, we would be supporting like 5 kids, lol

My daughter said that I got married six years ago, but she got ‘married’ three years ago.  That is a powerful statement and I believe her.  One of the best things I ever did was fight for that relationship to evolve at it’s own pace in the way it was suppose to develop and not how folks thought it should.  By not placing demands on what she should call him, tell him, experience with him allowed both of them to make their own relationship.

My ability to meal plan and cook was and is a HUGE thing that keeps him coming back for more.

The honeymoon does move on and you will meet each other naked, bare, wet and trembling.

Not arguing is NOT healthy – have a spat and encourage independent opinions, feelings and thoughts.

I have been submissive and not because I was told to, but because I wanted to be for the good of the relationship at that time.

This past year has been the year that I have thought five times before I spoke and nine times out of ten after that I’ve SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Keep the good memories in a pocket in your heart at all times. Having these at your disposal to pull upon can be a life saver.

PAY ATTENTION

Don’t ever assume anything.

Ultimately everyone is responsible for themselves and they make moves and decisions for themselves first and you second.

It’s perfectly ok to say I’m sorry.

Believe your own hype about your relationship – there’s no use in tearing it down because eventually you will believe that.

Keep each other responsible for being in the relationship.

It is very hard not to bring the past into the present, you have to work at noticing it, acknowledging it and then putting that shit back up in your closet pronto.

Live, Laugh Love…

I can’t remember when exactly I fell i love with my husband, but I fall in love with him ever so often all the time. It’s a continuous, natural feeling.

Not being particularly fond of your mate is a natural feeling as well.

I guess all in all Marriage is work, it is not a magic potion that cures your ills, you or anything else, it is a process that has to be touched everyday, it can work – even in this world we live in, if you want it you can have it.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

This Right Here is Urgent Like A Motherfucker!

 

We sat on the bed forehead to forehead as if we were passing back and forth some great knowledge or emotion between us. At that moment it was as if he was sucking out all of the memories of love gone bad and replacing them with images, sounds, and smells of our relationship. Usually, I don’t think this is wise – those threads in your life fabric are an important part of who you are, however I find it odd that as the years wear on, my memory has become fuzzy with the loves of the past and now just pretty much rotate around this man that I love now.

 

Though he has made up his own version of the story, I remember just about every second of our entire relationship. I remember standing in front of the movie poster at Phipps Plaza waiting to have our first date. I remember seeing him coming towards me grinning very wide. My first thought “He got a lot of teeth” LOL He was sooo friendly. I mean his aura was just joyful. We saw that movie with Queen Latifah Holiday something or the other and even in the dark – there was just this flow of energy from him that I felt safe in. I walked away from that date saying he’s nice I’d like to get to know him.

 

I don’t know what happened. Every rule I had ever had ‘pretend or otherwise ( cause we know we keep these two sets of rules you know like “all time spent on the phone counts as getting to know you time so yes I can sleep with you, lol lol lol ) just FLEW OUT THE WINDOW. The more we talked the more we wanted to see each other, the more we saw each other, the more we needed for all of this to happen. All I remember is every emotion across the human spectrum going on at the same time,at warp speed and then some.

 

A funny tidbit, he had moved out of one place to an apartment. I helped him with this. On the 29th day, it was decided that since he had not stepped food in said apartment EVER – that he give it up before the rent was due again and just move on in, lol lol We got engaged at six months and married the first anniversary (give or take a few days) to our first date.

 

I can honestly say I am one of those people, who might not have had some things come true – but when I say I was presented the man that was tailored made for me in 99% of the ways I might have dreamed up in a teenage journal many moons ago – I am the one, lol So in retrospect, I have hit the lottery.

 

Really ya’ll, this man is the man for me. I think that the best thing I can say about what’s different this time is that HE’S PRESENT IN THE RELATIONSHIP ALL THE TIME!! He is always front and center in our lives as a couple and a family, irregardless of what else is going on. He also (well maybe not all the time, lol) seems excited to be in the home.

 

I still, even though we haven’t been married THAT long, am amazed at how we’ve just….connected. Everyone knows I’m not the deepest depth in the ocean and I thrive off of all things superficial and totally useless to bringing world peace, lol yet he can talk about that with me on the same level as we talk about other stuff.

 

The fun we have is like no fun I’ve ever had with anyone male or female for that matter. Just a full blown testimony of love and joy when we talk and hang out with one another. Our entire conversation tone is one that is probably so ignorant on so many levels but we revel in it. We dig deep into our insecurities and bounce them off of each other in jest and unlike with ANYONE else under the sun – they work with us.

 

He also has totally revamped the way I love. He brought the word full time into my home. Now we all don’t leave, step away or hang up without giving the sentiment. We keep the word love stoked in the family fireplace. We hug and touch one another as a family and he and I stay all cuddled up. I’ve just given up on some levels of personal space because it just doesn’t work in my house. The joy I feel when I’m in the middle surrounded by the two of them climbing all over me is one I never thought possible (I’ve spoken about all my struggles with touch in previous posts). The thing is, between him and me, it’s not even sexual most of the times – it’s more emotional. We pull and push this energy of emotion between us all the time.

 

He takes care of me (and my child) in a way, I can’t even describe. Like a lot of couples, we’ve developed this whole ebb and flow thing between us in our language with our pitches and tones. We’ve assumed these ‘roles’ that might even be annoying to us, but it works.

 

 

 

This is a rich yet financially broke relationship, lol Yet it’s the fullest one I’ve ever been in. Even just walking to the mail box is full of activity and flurry. Everything we’ve experienced together to this point has been like we were born yesterday and are just experiencing things. He totally knocks that notion that because we’ve had life – we can’t experience it together. we’ve had fun when we’ve split $2, lol lol lol

 

I think I might be mad that I’m so open and emotional about this man, lol lol I can be sitting with him and start to feel a physically falling inside of me falling in love with him over and over and over. I can pretty much confirm NOBODY has seen me like this with or around a man. He got me O-P-E-N lol

 

You know I was going to add the requisite we aren’t perfect, there are struggles, blah blah balh but fuck that – why must we always add a weak brick into something to make everyone else feel good? That stuff does not run in the foreground of this relationship.

 

I guess I just wanted to really let some of this love ooze out, because it coats my very soul. It’s rich, wet, sticky and lush. It blooms and flowers all year long, it thrives in darkness and in light, It flaps in the wind like a colorful cloth. It’s the last scene of The Color Purple, Love Jones and every wedding in a Tyler Perry Movie, lol lol

 

I can remember and see when I was in the dark, “Hear My Call” that Jill Scott moment, I’ve taken to calling it and really just wasn’t sure what was in my future when it came to a man. I guess that was me pulling the slot machine and then as I watched the 777’s come up – I was happy, but when I saw that it was a progressive machine – I can’t be anything but humble and thankful.

 

I also think that as part of this ‘wardrobe change’ I’ve been talking about – this relationship is like the most expensive, frilly, sexy and supportive set of underwear I could ever ask for. You can’t do anything but put on one hell of an outfit with that as your undergarments.

 

as you say RG “I love you, I’m in love with you and I want to be in love with you” DITTO

 

 

 

How To Love

I couldn’t sleep so I decided to read some blogs.  I came across a post from one of my very favorite blogs VERY SMART BROTHERS (if you aren’t reading this blog, exactly what are you doing on the net?  LOL).  Usually these type of things don’t really move me, but this particular blog did, on a couple of levels.  You know what this mean?  This post might be all over the place, lol lol

First a few things:

  • Colored’s kill me more often than not!!  For a group of people who stay prostrate begging and pleading for forgiveness, redemption and a chance to repent – we sure are picky about who we decide deserves another ‘chance’.
  • Exactly when was it decided that people can’t walk the fine line between brilliance and ignorance?  So what lil Wayne has ‘acted’ as if he has not the common sense God gave him, that does not mean that he is not capable of looking outside of his life and seeing things.  Hell with that many kids, he ought to be able to talk about all kinds of relationship things, lol  Are we mad cause it reeks of……Tupac, except he’s not fine enough for us to accept the duality?

Ok, so now let’s get to the meat of this topic.  VSB’s conversation about the video and what it made them think about, made me think about some things only.

OH BEFORE YOU READ THIS PLEASE READ THE PIECE BY VSB – I AM EXPOUNDING PERSONALLY ON THEIR THOUGHTS.

I have said before that I had to learn how to love.  When I look back, we grew up in and learned all kinds of things but I can say for me, I did not learn the fundamentals of ‘How to Love’.   I learned how to embrace responsibility, I learned how to recite, I learned the role of a wife and mother, but I just didn’t get that love thing or how a man and woman did the dance of love.  Having my daughter was the catalyst for me learning how to love and as she turns 18, I can also now say, that I didn’t always get that right.

However, I have always understood the conceptual experience of Love.  I found it for the first time with Michael Jackson and that love has been a glowing heat in my chest for my whole life.  In my adulthood, I have not felt that I’ve been in love, especially when I look back.  I have been in like, I have been in obligation,  I have been in desperation, but what I understood to be the feeling associated with love once you strip away all of the bullshit, I have not….until now.  I also say that about the concept of How to Love.  I haven’t been in a full fledge day to day experience of the art of Loving another human (as in two adults) until now.

As we know, a whole lot of weight is placed on the inclusion of a Father in a child’s life and the consequences if they are not.  We don’t really speak about the fact that also very important to a child is the opportunity to learn HOW to love not just to EXPERIENCE love.  So though I had a Father in my life, I ultimately came out just as fucked up as a woman who didn’t when it comes to…LOVE.

So here I am with a girl child.  I decided to live my life, outside the scope of her sight, so she saw shadows and glimpses of How to Love, but to be quite honest, there wasn’t a lot of bonafide healthy situations that she could look at to start to form thoughts and opinions about how she would like to be loved one day, or love someone.  So imagine me in the dark of night on my knees, tears streaming thanking God for sending me someone at such a pivotal time in my child’s life that could show her (hell and me) How to Love.  Love is about speaking, listening, touching, helping, buffering, lifting, blocking, pulling, pushing, and even more.  It’s this other being that comes out of you, when your first inclination is to fight for self.  It actually is something that you have to see for yourself to believe it even really exists.  The purest form of it usually comes as a rainbow after despair.

I am most confident, that RG has put a strong visual in the Teenagers head, bringing all the movies, books, and vivid imagination of an impressionable teenager to light. I feel totally confident in letting her out in the world as a candidate to give and receive love.

For myself, falling and being in love with RG is like earning my Masters.  I had to earn my Bachelors the good old fashion way and I appreciate the fact that I had to first get my undergraduate work done, to even qualify for the Masters.  As we approach five years together, I am well on my way to my Phd.  That kind of intense study and creation of a thesis is where I was trying to go.

I say all of this to say that maybe we need to rethink exactly what we are giving our children in terms of the concepts of love in addition to all the other things we have to give them as parents.  Look deep as we set examples, speak adult topics in front of our children, stress money as a cement for relationships, pass on generation to generation some of the well meaning but ultimately ignorant thought processes we (especially black women) tend to pass on to our daughters.

I feel some kinda way that I grew up in such a large family, with a Father as a center point, with mad admiration and love for that man and my mom and my bonus mom’s – but came out here into this world none the wiser on something sooo important as How to Love. How to love myself, how to love my family or How to love a man.  How does that happen?

So, VSB’s commentary, as it got away from the actual Lil Wayne video was quite thought provoking as well as the comments.  It leaves me with the question:  Do you know HOW TO LOVE? Is it a separate concept we need to study and practice?  Is it irregardless of having an ‘intact’ family unit?  If the concept of How to Love is to stick – isn’t it about just that and crushes thoughts about all ‘other’ kinds of family units, because isn’t it all about teaching our children to love?  Can installing this in the parenting manual maybe help these young people out here on You know you dead azz wrong at 13 with two three boys fornicating all over them and taking pictures?

What say you?

Love Don’t Cost A Thing

I know that I am not really qualified to speak on the plight of the single mother and her children’s estranged Father, number one because I have not been in that situation being a widow and number two because I was raised in such a different way and time period. I remember my mom telling us that my daddy couldn’t give her a lot of money but he could give us time and so where ever he moved, we always ended up in walking distance to his home. No matter how many women or additional kids he acquired, we always could walk to his house and we were ALWAYS welcome by the women. The type of memories I have when I think of growing up with him not being in the home on a full time basis revolved around, jumping in the bed with him on Sunday Morning to read the comics, Taking long rides with him on 285 where he let us hang our kites out the window of the caddy. Walking up MLK to get an ice cream cone. Standing by his side while he stopped through Paschals to give greetings to the brothers. Being picked up from school, or dropped off to school. Eating dinner at his home even if it was honey sandwiches and milk. I remember him driving all night to make it to my Debutante Ball where he learned the dance and escorted me. I don’t really remember if he contributed financially to anything concerning that event, but as a child that was not for me to remember. I give my mom a lot of credit for that. She never overly bad mouthed him and she always gave us access to him, even if it inconvenienced her (and at times I’m sure it did). However, we had the basics and a bit extra and I never really was privvy to what money was needed for and when and if he contributed to those day to day things. She worked and we had what we needed.

 

You know I remember one time my mom and dad had a fight apparently and he could no longer come pick us up from school. Now previous to that he would pick us up and take up to his home. Sometimes he would pick us up on a bike, yea a bike. And we would ride on the seat and the handle bars home, but he was there. At the time he had a car and I remember being told to NOT get in the car with him, just walk straight ahead. I also remember that for that week or whatever, he would drive alongside us as we walked home. It was hot and my younger siblings wanted to get in the car bad, but I had to follow instructions. As an adult – what is it that I remember about that whole scenario – – THAT HE WAS THERE!! I don’t know and don’t want to know how much financial assistance he gave us. We were never out of it, but what I remember most about my father was that there was never a time when he was not available, not physically there and not spending time with us, that has clouded whatever he might have done that would be deemed in today’s society as ‘shortcomings’.

 

So though cognitively I totally understand that it takes money to feed, clothe and entertain these children and that there are some men who based on their actions need some white men in their life to tell them how to conduct their business as a father. I’ll never understand the inability for a woman to look at the whole picture as of what’s needed for their children and deny a man based on their own issues. If he’s giving you anything and he’s making himself available for you and the child, because when he’s doing for the child he’s doing for you – if you don’t have to ever pay child care that’s a benefit for YOU, if you have every weekend to yourself to regroup, hang out, better yourself or whatever because he’s there every Friday to pick up your children, that also benefits YOU, then I just don’t understand how the hate takes over so much in your mind that it becomes more important for you to destroy the relationship of Father/Child and even suffer than to make sure that the relationship is intact. I mean yea it gives you much fodder to whine and Bitch about but who is that benefitting? No one.

 

Children know to much about the financial going on’s and are taught that that is their business and that they should be concerned about it. I wasn’t raised that way and not until recently have I been breaking down how much it costs to the teenager. A six year old needs to hear either they can get that or they can’t NOT that they can’t get it because their daddy hasn’t given you anything to get it with.

 

I am a believer in there are just some things that ‘are’ and though you might not understand it, anyone who sits around an professes that they have faith religiously, should understand that some things are not meant to be understood. How can a woman boast continuously that it’s HER body and HER decision about having a child, yet as soon as the relationship that she made all these decisions in falls apart, she’s suddenly helpless? Yea ok. women have better situations than most of the black men I know and are doing it for their damn selves – so sometimes (not ALL the time) this is purely because a woman is mad that once again having a baby didn’t get you the man or if it did, it ended up not being the man for you or what I am dealing with PURE OUTRIGHT REGRET.

 

You know what though, . Some of these things also come about because people don’t pay attention to what folks are trying to tell you. FOLKS NEED TO LISTEN and not with their genitals. In my life, I have heard loud and clear some things, but ignored it, became an optimist or just outright decided fuck it and moved ahead anyway only to have to spend valuable life and time crawling out of relationship situations that told me from jump were not for me.

 

I am rambling and because I cant’ really go into great great detail, this might be coming across as crazy – and again, there are 1000 stories and I”m sure many of you have yours so this is not ALL or EVERYBODY, it just has been on my mind this morning as I heard a very defeated voice say “I told her I give up, I can’t do this anymore” LOVE DON”T COST A THING!! This BULLSHIT will cost….FOREVER.

 

 

 

Good Times – We Are Having A Good Time!

Last night as the hubby and I bantered back and forth over the Facebook about a bowl of oxtails, something came to mind. Sometimes it changes but the BEST PART of my marriage is the fact that we have a GOOD TIME! A genuine good time with one another. I’ve had some relationships in my lifetime and there have been fleeting moments of this kinda sheer enjoyment, but the thing that I notice about this is that it doesn’t need anything to happen. On a daily basis, he and I get into the groove with one another. The banter is real, the jokes swift, sometimes biting, but some of the best I’ve been privy to and no matter what we are in the midst of doing or what is intruding our space – that stays on the front burner.

I hadn’t really thought about that aspect of a relationship, to be honest. I know you are suppose to be attracted to one another, I know that you would like to be able to go places and do things with the person you are with and I understand the concept that your mate should be you ‘best’ friend – but the action of engaging in having a good time with your mate is something that I hadn’t put a lot of thought into. All of the aforementioned things are great but quite frankly – it all takes to much thought and observation and what not. The other thing is that for some reason, you rarely get to see that side of a persons relationship. We so busy trying to make sure everyone knows we are IN LOVE and listing out specific things that we think makes everyone else believe we are in love, not to mention proclaiming our love – that the part of the relationship that makes it really real is lost somewhere in the shuffle. I see, hear, read about couples all the time and I come away with – but are ya’ll having a good time. I’m not seeing the ‘smile’ or the ‘laughter’ or the ‘freedom’ in the relationship. Though it’s really not my place, I guess, to see it – it would be nice.

Is this something that we need to guard and keep close like our sex lives? If we show the ‘groove’ does that mean Quintavious or Sharmeka are going to want our mate? I’m thinking that the FLOW of a relationship is a bit harder than we like to admit. We fall into these circles of life where we are so busy living that we don’t LIVE.

If we would show this aspect of our lives, maybe the Black Relationship wouldn’t get such a bad rap. I always feel like whenever my husband and I are having a “Good Time” in the public, there is this slight side eye as if the fact we have a Good Time is wrong. Maybe it’s because what’s a Good Time to us might not be Good Time to others. So what we break out and Pop Lock at the Stop light to Planet Rock?, You mean to tell me that everyone doesn’t get into a battle where you have to speak for a solid hour in only movie quotes from Boomerang? How come folks aren’t coming home to their mate dressed up in a afro wig, shades and a guitar singing Javier Songs? Why would it be something that you wouldn’t let folks inside to see. It seems as if we are more apt to talk about a great sexual experience than just having a good time in your relationship.

I was believer that you really couldn’t and didn’t have to be best friends with your mate, but this relationship has changed my idea about that. The whole friend concept with someone you are in a relationship had me caught up because I saw it as a decision that required you to be a certain kinda way. Spent a lot of time thinking, plotting, organizing, referencing etc. the relationship. It was like being a robot. NOWW I have freed up a lot of that space to just BE in the relationship and GASP Relate, lol

My Daddy told me a long time ago – All of life is a script. Don’t ever write a script and not let the other players know their parts then get mad because they are not sticking to the script. WISE WORDS, yet you know you don’t follow em till it hits home. Well it hit home and just like the Television Industry – Unscripted REALITY is the way to go, lol yea sometimes there are reshoots and that just might be cause I got caught under the Coffee Table and needed time to unhook myself, lol lol

At this stage in my life I’m all about switching the thought process. Before it was about spending a lot of time trying to prove the relationship is working and saying/doing the things that people had identified as signs you were in a good relationship. A lot of that included all the grudge and mundaneness of relating. Now I’m about letting the relationship define itself. I’m stepping outside my own box and the box that relationships have been put into. It’s all about shits and giggles. It’s about the fact that we don’t give a damn how it’s perceived that we are pushing 17 on the maturity level in some instances. We are not afraid to acknowledge that we are having a good time on a day to day basis and not just because it’s a holiday, we went somewhere, we did something, we are out with friends, etc.

I look at fictional couples like say Martin and Gina. They had a GOOD TIME in their Relationship, they alone were laughing, joking and getting into situations etc. on the constant. They are my current relationship model. You gotta LIVE!! You just gotta live!! Honey – where’s the brass headboard – let’s see if I can get stuck and we can put it on video and post it on Facebook!!!

Does the Oogie leave the Boogie?

“One day you are going to be making love and one of you WILL be sleep!”  I heard this from a movie trailer and fell out laughing.  One of the most controversial and confuddled subjects is that whole now we married so sex sucks thing.

I had a request to speak on this topic after my musings on marriage last week.  I have been batting back and forth mainly because the subject is so broad yet tailored to each couple.  I certainly don’t have any answers, lol lol  Yet I will attempt to discuss this in the most impersonal, un x-rated way possible, lol lol  I do encourage other married folks to chime in cause I’m going to need it, lol.

I think the main universal truth about Sex after Marriage is that it is going to change.  That’s where it ends because there are so many variables and so many places/events etc. where the change happens.

I am of the belief that a lot of dating sex is all smoke, mirrors and lies.  Marriage sex is all about accepting the truth, working out what works, throwing in something from the back of the closet sometimes to mix it up, and reaching for a newer level of closeness.

Marriage sex is also about DOING YOU!! Don’t let anyone tell you what you should be doing, what others are doing.

All the same kinda sex you had single will still be there:  stress sex, insomnia sex, the kids are gone sex, the kids are coming back sex, we wanna have kids sex, when I was in HS/College I was the bomb sex, Um really? Already? Sex, doing you a favor sex, way to much ass/tits/dick prints at the club gotta get this off sex, it ain’t even about you sex and probably a whole lot more.

I could go into the usual, keep yourself up, keep your Vicky game tight etc. but in reality the biggest favor as a woman you can do for yourself and the most liberating thing about sex with someone you are ‘with’ is to know and understand that ALL OF THAT STUFF DON’T MATTER REALLY and then don’t take it personal.  There will be some situations where you scare the beejezus out yourself with how crazy you look, how much hair has appeared on your legs and upper lip, lol  Be You and just make sure right when You get tired of being You – you got something in the closet to be someone else and you should be fine.

Another bit of advice:  If sex for us is between our ears and for them between their legs – if you don’t do anything else – make sure you TAKE A LISTEN if you get my drift, lol  If you get that game right and know how to work that into some interesting situations you will be revered forever, lol  Fellas take some dedicated time to get her going early and all day which may include you um…doing a CHORE or bathing a child etc. and she’ll thank you for it. 

It can get lazy, repetitive and boring.  It ebbs and flows, the trick is to recognizing that and getting it back on track.  Times are different, I am SURE before electricity sex was way exciting because you had to Shut everything down once it got dark and there was nothing to freaking do, lol lol Now there are so many distractions, so many reasons not to come to bed – make sure you maintain reasons to wanna go to bed. 

Don’t let your Children mess up your relationship!!  Put them out your bed, out your room, and teach them to respect the marital room.  The only personal story I will give is that I’ve locked mine out the house before – they will live.

Don’t believe that Love doesn’t have anything to do with it.  That one emotion can take you a long way when the well is dry for whatever reason. 

It’s ok to be selfish about it – Marriage is give and take, even in the bedroom.

Sometimes while you riding along bring it up in conversation – communication will keep you on the same page and you might learn something about the way your mate is feeling, thinking, reacting. 

FREE YOURSELF, if you can’t be free with the person you consciously chose to see you at your best and worse, then what’s the point? 

Keep your intimate relationship intact.  Always touch, hug, kiss, hold hands, nuzzle necks and LAUGH A LOT!

Don’t let romance novels, television and movies distort the wonderful man/woman you DO have – cause those folks are scripted. 

Expounding on something I said in that other post – more often than not sex is not going to be initiated with candles, Luther and what not, but with you sleep on your side not facing your mate and then there’s the movement of the bed as they scoot up to you, the ruffle of the covers as they feel around to see (1) if you got some clothes on – which might mean you are on that time of the month and (2) if you are going to swat them away – then they go in for the hunch, they will hunch away to see if you respond. if you move at all (even to scratch your nose) that’s the GREEN LIGHT, lol lol  Get over it and enjoy, lol

So this is all over the place but it proves one thing, like everything else it’s what you make it. Some young people are having a horrible time while some older folks are screwing like rabbits. Some folks with twins and a new born have robust sexual lives and some folks with no kids are having it once a month.  Some folks relish the missionary while some folks can’t even get excited if it doesn’t include at least one costume, lol  I guess the biggest thing to take away is that we are HUMAN, everything is not going to be all the time like you want it, but you do have the freedom to carve it out however you want to make it.  It’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy – if you go into marriage thinking your sex life is over, then it will be, lol   

 So I guess I will conclude with – do you, pay attention, enjoy the lulls and don’t be afraid to mix it up, you and your mate come first the kids will be fine, speak and listen to one another and realize that like everything else it’s a work in progress.

There Is A Difference (Married Life)

THIS MIGHT BE TONGUE IN CHEEK…………

 

 

On the eve of my fourth anniversary, I like to take a moment and try to figure out have I learned anything about relating to a man, or relationships, or marriage or anything for that matter, lol I think the biggest thing that has come to my attention is something that (I can’t seem to stay focused on the right words today) a lot of women (and men) spend time thinking about. Yes there is a difference being married. I have been married one time for almost 10 years, been single for just about that long and now married again for 4 years. Somewhere in there I’ve been in 1 live in and 1 long term committed and a few serious dating situations. I didn’t quite feel a certain kind of way the first time I was married. I felt young, if you wanna know the truth and at some point I ended up feeling trapped and regretful. YET there was this ‘society’ that existed where you feel a part of this situation that folks were trying to get to. As I made my way closer to being marriage material the second time around, I began to hang out with married folks and that’s when I kinda noticed whatever that ‘difference’ is because those of us that were dating, didn’t ‘get it’ and even those of us who were in serious relationships just always seemed to I guess have this ‘out’ of sorts. I would long to be a part of the ‘society’ again but in a different capacity. The second I got married it was like a huge gate opened and said ‘welcome’ I was soo excited. but didn’t notice or know really what the big deal was. Let me tell you, though I can’t and probably most married folks cannot put verbalize or put their finger on what the difference is, there is one. The behaviors, attitudes, activities,

One of the first things I noticed was that whole “Who is he to you” thing ELIMINATED!! I remember when I first started seeing my husband one time I introduced him as my “male friend” he still teases me about that! Now he’s just my hubby/husband. He has a title that everyone knows and understands.

If you are in a room full of married folks everyone know’s their position lots of pressure taken off. You are not looked at crazy if you go and plop down in your man’s lap that’s your husband, no you are not trying to show off or whatever, he is specifically your husband and other married women know that this is what you can do.

Your circle of advice givers tightens considerably yet you keep a coveted position. Quite frankly if you are not married, you have not a lot of advice for married folks YET because I am married, I can dish it out all the time, lol

Basically everyone follows one of two tracks on why your significant other gets on your damn nerves. When you are sitting around single with your single friends there can be a dozen or so things that make you mad and the conversation can go on forever with no real depth. When you are married there are basically TWO TRACTS: Why your SO gets on your nerves – no kids involved, Why you SO gets on your nerves – kids involved. There you have it. The exact same conversation in a round table will come forth and you can comfortably get deeper and deeper into the mind set of the “married” SO because once you get married most of your other mindset dies, lol

Your married friends have to meet you and introduce themselves all over again. When you are single and hang with married folks you are THE SHIT cause you are out in the world meeting folks, going on dates etc. while they are married, yet you wanna be them so you see them as the perfect situation to be in. Once you get married – you meet the real them and it might not be all that rosey, and they meet the new you who might not be all that fabulous as they thought once you settle down this whole thing is better known as EVERYONE IS ACTING.

Married couples talk about each other probably worst than single folks rag on each other. Believe that – everyone thinks they got the relationship that works, so if you are doing something that works for you but they can’t figure out – you are getting talked about..

There are ROLES in the married world. Get over it! If a whole heap of married folks are around and someone says dinner. The WOMEN get up to feed the kids and get a plate for their husbands and if you have a relationship where ya’ll don’t do that you will feel the pressure to do it. The MEN get their second plate, usually you at minimum help them get the first one, lol Honey if it’s a multi-generational married group, you better RUN to get that man a plate, lol lol In most of the houses I am familiar with, the women do all or most of the domestic chores. The thing then becomes when does your man kick in? We get real excited to report Hubby so and so did the laundry, he cooked, his clothes mysteriously got up off the floor etc. No matter how much WE as women feel like we’ve evolved and we this this and that – most men miraclous come out of teenage hood convinced a woman’s job is to take care of him the home the kitchen the bedroom and the kids. The thing is even if women haven’t grown up with a father almost all of us have grown up with a mother and THAT’S what women do.

The universal call to action in the bedroom is the spoon hunch – unless you do something different. It can come at any time. I am always mystified at how that bad boy can just turn into a heat seeking missle. Another thing – you will just give up and lay there. The good sex will usually end up being something on TV. It’s ok, you will still get some good real sex – but a lot of the times, it will be a combo package, lol

You are not the only one who one day decides to put on mismatched socks, holey pants and your Al B Sure tshirt from 1984 when you weighed 105 pounds and were a 34A. So don’t be shocked when he breaks out his drawers from college and his net shirt when he thought he was gonna join Hammer on the road.

One set of family will bogart into the picture and suck up all the familial life. In my case it’s my family. I have to remind him and me that he has parents, siblings and others who might wanna whine about their drama, lol

You will run out of things to talk to one another about because you used up a lot of it trying to get to know one another prior to Marriage. Once you get married, you have to correct a couple of the lies you told and then ya’ll are on the same road with different stops – there will be moments of silence and you don’t worry about it or care.

and I guess my final one (cause I feel this was about to get really long, lol)

Eventually you prefer to hang out with other married people, cause they just…get it.

Now does this apply to everyone – no everybody and their circle of comrades do it differently, there probably isn’t any wrong or right way to be married – it’s all a mental and eventually contractual agreement to be in agreement and connected for whatever reasons you’ve decided that’s what you need to do. However, having been married 13 or so hours shy of 4 years. I see a difference in the Animal, I see a difference. I am no longer single.

SCREECH:  We interrupt this blog to add one more thing!! Probably the most important

DON’T BELIEVE ALL THE HYPE ON FACEBOOK.  Including some of mine, lol lol  All the falling out, you are my world, let’s do a duet to love, you my man and I”m your woman – some of it is more to convince us than you, lol lol   

1277 Days In

As I was watching Sex & The City 2 on the train this morning (It was not as good as the first one but just as poignant to me) and I really began thinking about my relationship and where and what it is. We are officially 2 1/2 years into our Marriage and 3 1/2 years into our Relationship. We’ve gone through the OMG phase, the At Last phase, and all the other phases that make your heart just beat really really fast. My ‘she got a man’ glow has been replace by just a nice tan of the fact, lol We’ve suddenly come out the fog and reclaimed all of the things that make us individuals – the good and….the bad. We still walk on the cloud of love, but you can begin to feel a bit of the ground beneath our feet.

When you get this age, the wear and tear of life starts to show, I still have a nice shine to me, but you can tell the seats are a bit worn (smile). I think alot of us as women have been so pummeled with the whole Don’t let them see you have any baggage, etc. that we walk a little slower cause we have to hide all that shit beneath our flowing robes of perfection. Well honey let me tell you – I sat down and that mess flew out from under that robe one day and hit him dead in his chest, lol lol Amazingly it didn’t knock him off his feet and I’ll tell you a little secret – I think men hold thier dicks all the time cause they have all their baggage hidden in that little space between the balls and the anus, ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL

What I love about my husband was that he not only listened, but he heard what I said (well it wasn’t that bad – I can’t speak on when you divulge yours and it’s ALOT) and with what I think is a conscious effort he’s given me a few things off my wish list – you know the list you keep inside about how you really want to be treated. We all have them, that magical place where folks just orgasm and fall to your feet, lol lol I wanted to be spoiled and he does that for and to me. I still get put to bed in the evening when he’s around and kissed on my forehead 🙂

Another aspect of the relationship is the revealing of the “V” inside you, ROTFL I call it that because one day you wake up and roll over and are like WHAT THE HELL?! All of the I must dress and act like a Video Hoe (male and female) every evening goes out the window!! I’m one of those people who can go from looking exceptionally cute to looking downright fuddy in a matter of minutes. All I’ll say about him is that in our wedding vows I said i love him from his head to his ankles – his feet should be banned in all Civilized cultures. However, the releaving of the lizard within us all is a huge step and makes room for a level of comfortability that I now enjoy in my home. I don’t let it get too far, men are visual creatures – but being able to relax in my Al B Sure T-shirt (now Cropped Top) from 1987 is a blessing.

Another thing I love about my husband is that and I’m not sure how, he can just know when it’s time to date me. He can feel when the whole Married thing is getting on my nerves and I need a dose of gong out and pretending that all of this money we both spend will lead up to some incredible sex like it did when we were dating – except now you really don’t have to do anything but roll over, lol lol You gotta DATE people!! That’s all I have to say about that.

I look around our apartment and we are living like college dorm roommates and that suits us just fine, lol I have my stuff going on and he has his stuff going on. I can’t quite remember who has given in to the notion that whatever you thought your home was suppose to look like this ain’t it. What I have learned is that as a woman you pretty much dictate everything going on up in there from Religion (unless you’re married to a Pastor) to how clean it will be to when you eat etc. SO TAKE CARE NOT TO CRUSH YOUR MAN UP UNDER WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON. They just wanna be fed, stroked and get some stroking on – it’s really that simple. If you wanna decorate the house full of say….Michael Jackson (don’t judge me!) that’s cool by him – as long as he can Moonwalk to some food, you put some smooth criminal on his back sometimes and you give him the Thriller more than once a month!!!

Another thing that I secretly love about my husband is that he can remember in riveting detail everything about when we first me and repeats it all at least 3 times a week! He has truly convinced himself that I was head over heels for him, amazed at his crotch area and dying to give him some 15 minutes into meeting him, when in reality my first thought was “Wow his head is mighty big” LOL LOL LOL This puts our relationship in a continuous spin of good feelings and good vibes – we both fight over who wanted each other first – it keeps the relationship hot with the notion that we were so hot we basically self combusted, lol lol We both have ‘ego’ issues and this works fine for us.

I guess the only other thing that I can say at this point in our relationship is that unlike a younger couple or a couple with small children – we are able to foresee having an empty house (for the most part) in less than three years AND moving into things like weddings, and GASP Grandchildren. We are about to be together forever, but on the otherside of the hill. Yes we have the little one, but I don’t foresee her mother turning in her Wiicked Witch lifetime membership anytime soon so I have to just pop that in when I can). We spend time talking and relating because it’s about to be ‘us’. We make sure that we are maintaining a great enough portion of ourselves as individuals that when we come together we bring ourselves and not who we would like each other to be.

Our marriage is not 50/50, I’m a needy broad (lol) we float back and forth within the scope of the 100% We understand and feel like the fact that we can remain fluid keeps us happy with one another. We work within that entire spectrum and not by assignment based on anybody’s rules. You gravitate towards what it is that you do in the relationship and sometimes those lines become blurry.

I think the biggest thing I can say about our relationship at this point is that we really really dig one another. We don’t tear each other down, we are together for really base reasons, we actually liked each other and fell in love, we like each other now about as much as we did back then – We don’t demand something from each other that we don’t do ourselves, we don’t let anyone try to tell us what works in OUR relationship and we truly still feel like God heard us and nudged us towards each other.

We have fallen into a nice slow bop and I like it like that 🙂

 

120 Days

I was going through some old writings – I tend to keep the good ones and surprisingly my thoughts haven’t changed but so much from the first time – and I ran across something that my husband wrote four months into our budding relationship.  I want to give it to ya’ll because we are always interested in how men feel about their journey into relationships etc. etc. 

No Options

 So I told him to write and I would post UNEDITED – it would add so much depth to the recent words I have been writing. So here yah go! (Written April 20, 2006)


I can not speak for every man but, I can speak for myself when I say I was afraid of commitment. I was afraid that I might miss something better. I was afraid that I might hurt her and she would hate me. I was afraid that I would need to win the game before the game beats me. I believed that love was a convenient word to say in order to get the rights of passage to anything I want from her. And then something happened…….I grew up. Not just in a physical sense but spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I don’t think the same, act the same or do the same things I used to do. And with that in mind, I don’t love the same. The love I have now has meaning and depth behind it. I use to feel like, “What if I use this good love I have on the wrong woman and end up stuck.” I did and was. Let me rephrase that, not the wrong woman per say but a woman with a different direction than mine. After years of irreconcilable differences, I was back in the mix, the game, on the market……….SINGLE!!!! let me dust off my players card, get a new Black Book, and redo my wardrobe (label whore. Indie.Arie would hate me). But the game ain’t what it used to be. The internet is widespread, and clubs are dangerous. You could pick up anything from bullets to AIDS. My weapon of choice was the internet. No strings attached. Just for fun. See ya when I see ya. Who Let The Dogs Out?

Then I came across somebody that made me rethink my situation and want to do some type of realigning of my standards for the type of woman I would like in my life, a good one. I wondered though, what, in my terms, constitutes a good woman? And if she’s such a good woman, am I that good enough of a man for her? I can play the roll for the panties. Hold it up for a little while then ease out when she gets serious. I love having a stable of women strategically placed around the city to fit my needs when I am in that area. She would fit perfect. Not too close to me and not too far for a midnight creep. I can make it look like my schedule is too hectic and permits me from getting serious. Hit her up for my needs whether it be sexual or financial. The ratio is so on my side, she would think she hit goldmine with me. But then I realized that it’s harder to keep up the front than it is being real. I have to remember all those lies I told and make sure they didn’t run on top of each other or was said to the wrong woman.

I decided to be upfront and real. She made me feel comfortable enough to expose myself and not feel like I didn’t measure up to Tyrese/Diddy. O.K. here’s the hard part. Can I keep my interest in HER and HER ONLY? Am I ready to be monogamous?

I’ve come to this conclusion. I Love this woman with all I have. My world is not a perfect one and neither is hers. Yet together our worlds are as good as anybody else’s. What strikes me the most is that she was happy before I came along. She didn’t look for me to make her happy. That’s what makes this comfortable. I love this woman and am not afraid to cut off my options to anyone else. My nights are now filled with reminiscing on the 80’s and 90’s, old episodes of Martin while sharing popcorn, stretching a dollar one week and blowing $100.00 the next. Her giving me the control to watch ESPN and me being considerate and giving it back for Lifetime. I have a new journey and a partner to take it with.

I LOVE YOU PAM !!!!!!!!!