L-O-V-E

It is the color of light,

The shape of sound high in the evergreens
It lies suspended in hills,
A blue line in a red sky.
I am looking at sound.
I am hearing the brightness
Of high bluffs and almond trees
I am tasting the wilderness
of lakes, rivers, and streams
Caught in an angle of song.
I am remembering water
That glows in the dawn
The motion tumbled in earth
Life hidden in mounds.
I am dancing a bright beam of light
I am remembering love.

Nina Mosley – Love Jones

The definition of Love and what constitutes love has always been a mystery to me. I didn’t grow up in a household where you could clearly develop a sense of what that was between a man and a woman. I got more of a lesson on what I did NOT want in my life moreso than what I did. It was all very technical, mechanical and business like from my vantage point. If I had never picked up a book and through the power of reading, had a blossoming of what kind of ‘love’ I wanted (though this is dangerous and I wasted some time looking for that) I don’t think I would have ever known what it might could be. Even with that, I entered into the love game very sterile and strict, even though my very nature was wild and free. That spirit was CRUSHED and it took awhile to get that back.

As I look over the piece of my life where those things are kept – I can’t even lie, I have been privy to have known casually and in the Biblical sense some really great men and I’ve had probably more than my fair share of good dick (this is an adult blog – and I am grown) but the picture I had built of Love kept falling short. There were bits and pieces but I never could get my stake in the love game up above say 40% and that’s just not enough.

You go through these periods where you try again and again to define what it is that will make you ‘feel’ the way you want to feel on a continuous basis. You know, the ‘look’ and ‘feel’ of Love. We all know the look and feel of lust and it’s so easy to get them confused. You start trying to force the lust to be love, but at some point the high just disappears and as you shake and moan from the withdrawal there is nothing there to replace it at the original source, so there you go looking for a new source. This can add up quickly if you are not careful. I never fell into that cycle (God is Merciful), but I totally understand the psychology behind how you can.

I am a believer that all women eventually get to a period of life where they have to submit to the notion that maybe it’s not gonna be there for them. I remember mine, I wrote about it on a previous blog. I had looked at that empty side of the bed for wayy to long and it had finally broke me. I had to begin the process of accepting that I might have to change the long term goal and figure out what of the short term goal I was willing to accept. I always called this the Frankenstein affect – just build you a man out of the best parts of maybe a few, lol

Yet, like it happens to us a lot of times, right when we think we are at the end, God shows up and shows out and I am blessed that is what happened to me and I met my husband – on the social network site Black Planet. Change can happen in an instant and that’s just what happened – I went from a broke shared needle in a back alley of love to a portable pump plugged right into my jugular vein!! THANK YOU GOD!

At some point in the relationship, I went back and tried to figure out what the missing link had been before. I did not project this outward but inward. It was not a beat myself up party, but more like a performance review of sorts. I came up with one main thing: I presented myself as a wife and gave me all the privileges and honors bestowed around a husband that he DIDN’T deserve or even ask for. When I learned how to just be a woman first and pack up all my pots, pans, laundry detergent, I got your back luggage and wait for an INVITATION to do such, things changed. I was groomed and raised to be a wife and mother – yet I jumped ahead of the horse and became one with out being asked. This time I got asked!

Then the Relationship kicked in. We have been through some difficult times here lately – all the love in the world does not exempt you from the storms that may arise – it shelters, but does not exempt. I know I have a wonderful man, he proves and shows it every day but there are those moments that deserve special recognition because they teach me..about me.

Two things recently happened that solidified that I had the look and feel of…Love. The other day he woke up and said he had a horrible dream. I knew he was dreaming cause he was moaning and kinda thrashing about. Usually when he does this, he is fighting – scars from the past coming via his dreams to haunt him, but this time he surprised me.

He said he was dreaming that he was in someone’s home and he kept trying to get to his home and he kept looking for me and trying to reach me and he couldn’t, He then thought that he should call me to wake him up from the dream so he could come home. This MOVED ME!! This man was dreaming of trying and not being able to get home to…me. To hear that I was ‘home’ is a powerful statement of Love…powerful.

Then last evening, I came home and when he’s there we have this thing where we get in the bed and for about 30 minutes we just lay there face to face and ‘connect’ it’s not sexual it’s intimate. Last evening, I crawled in and he just spoke to me in low tones about how much he loves me, he likes to smell me and smell my hair and he rubs my head and we just take that time to connect. INTIMACY.

This morning on the train, my mind wandered to my past,  I thought about how in your life, you will be lucky to feel some of the best crotch love your body can handle, but you are BLESSED if you ever get to come upon the look and feel of the L-O-V-E that happens between your ears.

I always want for my sister what I want for myself and so I hope that if you are with your definition of love, whether you knew it in advance or you discovered it through that person that you take advantage of that high daily and if you are not in that place, that you continuously save a part of yourself for the possibility and you don’t assume that just because it hasn’t happened yet, that it won’t. Because the greatest thing you will ultimately get out of the journey or the destination is that the most ULTIMATE look and feel of Love is the one YOU GIVE YOURSELF!

 

 

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F-A-I-L

Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.
Oprah Winfrey

In the wee hours of  the morning, I had a moment of GASP failure.  I say gasp because me admitting it (on facebook, no less) you would have thought I admitted to some major crime.  It started streaming in ‘you are not a failure’ ‘I’m glad you took that down because that wasn’t making you look..good”  I had to let that marinate because my first instinct in general (not necessarily at the people in question) was ‘I have a right to admit failure – it’s a part of the process”  what the hell is wrong these days with admitting (1) you failed and/or (2) you fucked up.

I remember when the thought process began to change.  When I was little there were no number 2’s.  Either you won or you loss.  There were no programs where everyone got a trophy because we are all ‘winners’.  It was common knowledge that you had to work hard because everyone didn’t win, so in order to be in the winner circle you had to (1) be diligent to get there and (2) know, understand and acknowledge what failure looks like so that you can have a comparison.

I am still of that school of thought.  Everyone is not going to make it.  There are levels of making it.  At certain points and times you are going to fail BIG TIME.  Acknowledging that could be a great stepping stone to getting some clarity and relooking at the situation.

Let me let you in on a little secret.  I have FAILED at a whole heap of shit!!  Some things at varying degrees and some things majorly.  I have failed TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY at the game of finances. There’s no pussy footing around that. You can ask all my creditors, my bank and my payroll office – I HAVE FAILED!!  I have failed at familial interpersonal relationships.  On a lesser level than what I would call major but it’s been one big pile of heaping failure.

When folks win, there’s this closing off of the circle of win you live in that space and that’s why it’s so devastating when that person loses.  The beauty of failure is that it’s opened ended, there is always a moment to reverse it and the feeling associated with that is almost always good. (except say a HIV status or a pregnancy result – you get my drift).

Part of the process (for me) as I strive to get to my authentic self is to stop acting as if all of this stuff and these things have happened by osmosis.  No, I have fucked up.  I have at some points and time put myself in situations that only by the grace of God I have come out of.  I am peeling apart the steel rods that I have placed in my back, that keep me stiff and hold me up and I am allowing my back to curve and sway and then rebuilding it with real strength and conviction.

So you know what – I have and will say it again.  I will look in the mirror at times in my life and say “Pam you have failed” it has a way of helping you clear the slate of the process that got you to that point and hopefully some type of clarity will surface and you ‘see’ a new way to do it.  That’s what actually happened, every path I had taken ended up at dead end.  I totally couldn’t see – that stuff was FAILING.  It was overpowering me and I had to say it to make it real so that I could then see again.  I got the clarity I needed and the answer to solve the problem, literally just came into focus.

Failure is not supposed to be this happy moment that our young people have been convinced it is.  you know, ‘oh ok I didn’t win, but it’s ok, Coach gives out a trophy to everyone”  or “Oh I failed, but my mom is going to get it all worked out for me”.  Nah it really doesn’t happen like that.

So though I appreciate the concern and I do believe that concern was real…it won’t be the last time I call myself a failure – I do know where I won’t do it anymore though, lol

That Damn Oprah

 

So Oprah has decided, as she tries to make her station more relevant to the masses who miss her in their living rooms every day, to take us on a journey through her years of life and the lessons she’s learned. Now on one level this is great but on another it can be complicated because I am still a believer that the mind gets clearer the more money the wallet gets. A lot of the lessons we all learn in life – are changed immediately when it comes to say family, where it can become quite complicated, having a few million behind the feeling HELPS chase away those demons for sure.

 

However, I decided to watch the first episode on the EGO and I really had to submit, because I will submit to the truth (well ok when it’s served on a nice platter with some of my favorite foods and other distracting goodies to sugar coat it, lol lol lol) Surprisingly my own EGO took over for a moment and made an immediate list of the folks who needed to see this and then I gave myself over to what started rumbling inside of me. We all have things that simmer just beneath the surface any form of heat that is applied, brings them bubbling up and over. Mine has always been and will always be related to family. As I watched that show all kinds of emotions boiled up inside of me and I was able to articulate some on Facebook for the world to see. One of my pet peeves is the self therapy. It’s like that re-virgin mess – of course you can treat yourself, hell you know just what to say, lol lol Say that mess aloud someone may give you a perspective you need.

 

I’ve watched several of the shows over the two weeks and it actually has helped me release some nuggets of shit just sitting in my second colon string weighing me down. Saying some of it aloud is freeing. All of the shows I haven’t identified wholly with, but those that I have have slammed into me. Some things that I can acknowledge –

 

Maybe I do feel ‘some kinda way’ about the whole parentage thing and the gloss over of the events at hand.

 

I miss having siblings (for the sake of this blog – my siblings are the ones that I have a direct blood line too so that’s 4 people) I am the oldest which means they came into my life, I want to at least be cordial with all of them at any given time.

 

I am still fine with the relationships I have not been able to foster and give that over to God.

 

I am FINE with who I am, what I’ve accomplished or not accomplished and how my mind works!

 

I am a hell of a lot stronger and kinda revel in the fact that others thing I’m weak.

 

The entire Ohio situation causes me stress, so I have decided to not deal with it at this time.

 

Falling in love with my best friend opened the door to me finding love from a man

 

I’ve been a damn good parent and no one can tell me differently

 

I am a passenger and there’s nothing wrong with that

 

My husband is my anchor more than I probably would like to admit

 

I love and know how to love

 

The ‘Family” I have created does give me the peace I need in that area and there’s nothing wrong with that

 

I am now living in a lot more reality than I used to live in

 

I am still in denial about my Diabetes and angry that I have it

 

I identify my religious base as Islam, but I’m just not into religion. I want to be able to communicate and reach God and peace in whatever way I choose to. I just don’t want all that pomp/circumstance/judging/requirements etc. It does not interest me in my adult life.

 

I’m a bit mad that I have to fight so hard, with myself, to be just Pam.

 

Those are just a few nuggets to get out the colon. I feel lighter and more ‘regular’ already. I think that ultimately my goal in life is to remain ‘regular’ to be able to take a dump a couple times a day in order to be able to breathe and be at the best of health both physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

 

I titled this “That Damn Oprah” because, as I stated in a previous blog post, I have been on a journey to a wardrobe and it was like an ah-ha moment that she came out with this series. I’ve cried watching some of the topics because they just confirmed that it’s alright to be Pam. I am a contributor to the earth in the way that I contribute. I kinda feel a bit Oprahish. I am the Oracle in my circle, I bump around and come upon through others a whole heap of wisdom, knowledge and understanding. I am a person of conversation and humor – I give my gift to whomever wants it and for the most part it is always well received.

 

I will continue to watch Oprah as a branching out of my own cleaning – that damn Oprah, I tell yah, she always sending someone on one, lol lol lol

 

 

 

 

 

How To Love

I couldn’t sleep so I decided to read some blogs.  I came across a post from one of my very favorite blogs VERY SMART BROTHERS (if you aren’t reading this blog, exactly what are you doing on the net?  LOL).  Usually these type of things don’t really move me, but this particular blog did, on a couple of levels.  You know what this mean?  This post might be all over the place, lol lol

First a few things:

  • Colored’s kill me more often than not!!  For a group of people who stay prostrate begging and pleading for forgiveness, redemption and a chance to repent – we sure are picky about who we decide deserves another ‘chance’.
  • Exactly when was it decided that people can’t walk the fine line between brilliance and ignorance?  So what lil Wayne has ‘acted’ as if he has not the common sense God gave him, that does not mean that he is not capable of looking outside of his life and seeing things.  Hell with that many kids, he ought to be able to talk about all kinds of relationship things, lol  Are we mad cause it reeks of……Tupac, except he’s not fine enough for us to accept the duality?

Ok, so now let’s get to the meat of this topic.  VSB’s conversation about the video and what it made them think about, made me think about some things only.

OH BEFORE YOU READ THIS PLEASE READ THE PIECE BY VSB – I AM EXPOUNDING PERSONALLY ON THEIR THOUGHTS.

I have said before that I had to learn how to love.  When I look back, we grew up in and learned all kinds of things but I can say for me, I did not learn the fundamentals of ‘How to Love’.   I learned how to embrace responsibility, I learned how to recite, I learned the role of a wife and mother, but I just didn’t get that love thing or how a man and woman did the dance of love.  Having my daughter was the catalyst for me learning how to love and as she turns 18, I can also now say, that I didn’t always get that right.

However, I have always understood the conceptual experience of Love.  I found it for the first time with Michael Jackson and that love has been a glowing heat in my chest for my whole life.  In my adulthood, I have not felt that I’ve been in love, especially when I look back.  I have been in like, I have been in obligation,  I have been in desperation, but what I understood to be the feeling associated with love once you strip away all of the bullshit, I have not….until now.  I also say that about the concept of How to Love.  I haven’t been in a full fledge day to day experience of the art of Loving another human (as in two adults) until now.

As we know, a whole lot of weight is placed on the inclusion of a Father in a child’s life and the consequences if they are not.  We don’t really speak about the fact that also very important to a child is the opportunity to learn HOW to love not just to EXPERIENCE love.  So though I had a Father in my life, I ultimately came out just as fucked up as a woman who didn’t when it comes to…LOVE.

So here I am with a girl child.  I decided to live my life, outside the scope of her sight, so she saw shadows and glimpses of How to Love, but to be quite honest, there wasn’t a lot of bonafide healthy situations that she could look at to start to form thoughts and opinions about how she would like to be loved one day, or love someone.  So imagine me in the dark of night on my knees, tears streaming thanking God for sending me someone at such a pivotal time in my child’s life that could show her (hell and me) How to Love.  Love is about speaking, listening, touching, helping, buffering, lifting, blocking, pulling, pushing, and even more.  It’s this other being that comes out of you, when your first inclination is to fight for self.  It actually is something that you have to see for yourself to believe it even really exists.  The purest form of it usually comes as a rainbow after despair.

I am most confident, that RG has put a strong visual in the Teenagers head, bringing all the movies, books, and vivid imagination of an impressionable teenager to light. I feel totally confident in letting her out in the world as a candidate to give and receive love.

For myself, falling and being in love with RG is like earning my Masters.  I had to earn my Bachelors the good old fashion way and I appreciate the fact that I had to first get my undergraduate work done, to even qualify for the Masters.  As we approach five years together, I am well on my way to my Phd.  That kind of intense study and creation of a thesis is where I was trying to go.

I say all of this to say that maybe we need to rethink exactly what we are giving our children in terms of the concepts of love in addition to all the other things we have to give them as parents.  Look deep as we set examples, speak adult topics in front of our children, stress money as a cement for relationships, pass on generation to generation some of the well meaning but ultimately ignorant thought processes we (especially black women) tend to pass on to our daughters.

I feel some kinda way that I grew up in such a large family, with a Father as a center point, with mad admiration and love for that man and my mom and my bonus mom’s – but came out here into this world none the wiser on something sooo important as How to Love. How to love myself, how to love my family or How to love a man.  How does that happen?

So, VSB’s commentary, as it got away from the actual Lil Wayne video was quite thought provoking as well as the comments.  It leaves me with the question:  Do you know HOW TO LOVE? Is it a separate concept we need to study and practice?  Is it irregardless of having an ‘intact’ family unit?  If the concept of How to Love is to stick – isn’t it about just that and crushes thoughts about all ‘other’ kinds of family units, because isn’t it all about teaching our children to love?  Can installing this in the parenting manual maybe help these young people out here on You know you dead azz wrong at 13 with two three boys fornicating all over them and taking pictures?

What say you?

GOD

GOD

The brown extended as far as the eyes could see. Heavenly chocolate swirling in my consciousness, dripping from chiseled chasm, created by God

The Strength causes you to buckle under it’s weight. Rippling like spring sheets on taunt lines blowing in the wind, created by God

The intelligence boggles the mind, twisting it into knots of confusion only to unwind, stretching gracefully like the back of a jaguar, created by God,

The beauty of the image was emblazon across the sky, a rainbow for the world to see; He was created by God…He WAS God

Dangling Between Utopia and Reality

 

 

 

 

 

 

DANGLING BETWEEN UTOPIA AND REALITY

I lay in the dark, eyes closed..Silent, remembering, reliving the moment..

Dangling between my utopia and my reality

The door opens,
I’m dizzy, I feel weak, gotta sit down,
I’m alive, he’s alive, I’m aglow…He’s my fire

TOUCH ME!! I scream behind the small talk and laughter,
I’m’ scared of my wanton desire for my fire,
burn me baby, engulf me in your flames

Ooooooo – the heat!
I can’t get naked enough…
I want to be nude..My clothes…My jewelry…My skin — take it off

Would you like to see my soul?

A scream in my throat, vibrating down his firm manhood,
My name spilling from the place where only I take him.

He savors the moment – – The chatter of ecstasy escapes his mouth,

The one enveloping my..

Breast, stomach, thighs…..does he need a napkin?

Burnt orange toenail polish dancing around his head like the sunset,
On the brink of letting go, but it’s so hard to do,

Aaah, Aaah..it was the best

When my thinking returns: I’ll say it
When the paralysis is over: I’ll dance it

I lay in the dark, eyes closed..Silent, remembering, reliving the moment

Dangling between my utopia and reality

Wicked Wednesdays

The Picnic

 

 

She was feeling the food and she was feeling him as they sat on the floor of the living room.  The rain had unceremoniously cancelled their picnic in the park and always quick on his feet – he brought the picnic to her.

 

She giggled at the memory of him standing at her door – basket in one hand – yellow roses in the other.  She knew he had a hard week between the job/apt hunt and the Drs. Appt.  They had been looking forward to just relaxing.

 

After pulling a blanket out of the closet and turning on the jazz channel that she got with her cable subscription, they had plopped down and he lay out the spread he had brought – – cheese, pineapples, crackers, strawberries, pieces of slicked turkey and….raisins.

 

The conversation was free flowing and easy.  They had found that thought they came from different backgrounds and different regions of the country they meshed. – the fact they had broken their respective gender molds drew them together; he wasn’t a fly by night brotha and she wasn’t a difficult gold digger.  They had decided to give each other a chance and this was their sixth date.

 

She looked him over as he sat on the floor. He was tall and a nice brown color. He had Northern mannerisms and his laidbackness could almost be misinterpreted as blasé’ but it was just the way he was.  Their  laughter rang out as she told yet another one of her vividly described stories about something that went on in her world earlier that day.

 

As the sun set – they drank wine and further connected.   He picked up a pineapple and leaned in to give it to her.  She opened her mouth as the sweet/tangy piece of fruit was gently placed on her tongue.  They looked at each other and both had a visual of decadence.  Her heart skipped a beat and it was as if he actually heard it, because he picked up another piece of fruit and fed it to her as well.  She didn’t remember when the distance between them closed, but suddenly he was very close to her – she could feel his body heat and smell his cologne, she became a bit heady.

 

“I really am feeling you”, he said softly to her. She replied in kind and they just stared at each other thru lust heavy eyelids.  He leaned in and his kiss landed right on target. Her head lifted to meet him halfway.  The kiss was electrifying – she could have sworn the lights flickered from the connection.

 

Upon opening her eyes, she noticed he had the box of raisins in his hand.  He shook a few out and held them in his hand.  “I want to find the passage way to your heart”, he took a raisin and fed it to her.  She inhaled his fingers and ran her tongue around them, beckoning the rest of him to join in.  They began to kiss and he lay her gently back on the blanket.  She looked up at him with needful eyes and he glanced at her body, rising and falling from her quickened breath.

 

He placed a raisin on her forehead and then on her nose followed by her lips and very gently kissed each of them off.  Next he placed raisins on her neck…one, two, three he placed.  He took deliberate hands and unbuttoned the buttons to her blouse.  Four, five, six went the raisins on her rapidly inflating and deflating chest.  The raisins stuck to the plump mounds of flesh that peeked above her bra. Her mind was getting foggy and she thought she was going to faint from the sheer eroticism of his acts.  He placed a raisin right on top of her nipples which were shielded by the thin fabric.  Next, he ran raisins down her exposed stomach and made a little mound in her belly button.

 

She held her breath as he began eating the raisins off of her neck.  “Is this a path to your heart?”, he whispered and since she didn’t trust herself to speak she just nodded up and down in response.  Her eyes rolled back as he ate the raisins off her chest but flew open to watch him take the tip of his tongue and very gently swirl it around the raisins on her nipples – the fabric became damp from his salvia and her sweat as they strained to be released from their prison.  He continued on down and when he got to her belly button he tongue kissed it long and hard in a passionate display of attraction.

 

Her body was SCREAMING!!  But when she felt his presence leave hers she opened her eyes and he was just looking at her.  He backed up and pulled her up.  Her mind and body were confused and she looked at him with questioning eyes.  “That was not the way to your heart – that was a path to your sex – the way to your heart is a road less traveled and well worth it – so I’ll take my time and learn it before I rest my head at my new ‘home’.  Her eyes got big – it had been some picnic – she had been enticed by his company, blew away by his sincerity and seduced by some raisins. Lord only knew what he would have in store for her as he continued on his journey – but she sure as hell couldn’t wait to find out.

 

Pamalicious – 9/8/05

 

Wicked Wednesdays

I was looking through some files on my computer last night and opened a folder entitled writing.  Immediately I smiled, man I was in some kinda zone during this period.  Some of my lifetime readers might have seen some of this.  It caused me to immediately know what I wanted to do for the month of April on this blog.  As this is the first full week of April, I will add in what I’m going to call Wicked Wednesdays.  I am calling it that because this stuff will cause your heart to skip a beat. It is NOT for the fuddy duddy or Kids.  I won’t be posting a link on FB.  This will be your notification that on Wednesday there will be a short, hot story.

Cheers To You

Disclaimer:  Yea Yea Yea Alcohol is B-A-D. We shouldn’t be drinking. Drink Responsibly.  ALWAYS check your sugars to determine how these mixes work for you.  CIROC is the Bomb (Oh that’s not a disclaimer – that’s fact, lol)

Soooo, I have this whole Diabetes Type 2 thang.  I’ve gotten off that ‘narcotic’ (sugary drinks/soda/juice) been clean for 21 days.  I am taking away 1 day because recently I was out with a friend and I had a glass of Sangria – there was sugar in that.

I am still milling over how to drink when I’m out – it probably will be my ‘cheat’ time because quite frankly, I never have more than 2 drinks. 

HOWEVER, most of my drinking is done with my friends in the comfort of someone’s home.  We are always making up all kinds of cool drinks etc. Next week I will be attending 2 functions where drinking will be the star attraction – Hell it’s New Years!!

The second most popular place to enjoy a bit of the booze is sitting comfortably in my bed!! 

The main issue is not the alcohol it’s all the bad things you mix with it: Soda, Juice, Fruit, pre-made Mixers etc.  Those take it into overkill.  So I really wanted to look into how to do this and keep those nasty ‘blood spikes’ as best I can at bay, yet be overcome by the feeling of a fresh holiday/anyday ‘buzz’.

 I am a Vodka (and now Gin) drinker.  Light liquor usually taste good in anything from Juice to koolaid to lemonade.  This does make it easier, but I wanted bonafide drinks you know. Something I can mix up quickly (possibly discreetly) and carry around in my festive glass – chillin.

Well it’s been right up under my nose – but when you’re not there mentally – you don’t see it.

For the Gin drinkers out there – you really want GIN & JUICE, Snoop Demands it – so here yah go.

This comes actually in a traditional canister, I haven’t seen it in these bottles, but check your store.  I find it to be a bit tart – so I will add packet of splenda – you can even add an Orange Slice if you want – that won’t kill yah.

 For the Ciroc Family (or any Vodka) – this is where it gets really fun.

Ocean Spray has totally given me LIFE!!  You can actually just pour one of these bad boys in a water bottle that has about a quarter poured out – shake, fill it up the rest of the way with Vodka – shake, pour enjoy.  You can also make it and pour into your shaker with ice, shake, put in a festive glass, garnish and keep it moving.

 

Want a Cape Cod – use the Cranberry & Ruby Red

 

Add Sprite Zero for some fizz (club soda etc. works as well).

 

Another thing:  Several companies are now making Margarita mixes etc. with no sugar. For some reason BIG LOTS seems to always have some, lol  Also check your Walmart.  Sometimes you just gotta troll around to feed your habit.

In terms of dark liquor, when I am in the mood for say a rum or that’s what the liquor of the day is – I can just get a diet coke and rum.  Since I really don’t drink darker liquor – not sure of other recipes – if you have some let me know.

I really enjoy social drinking and part of the ‘rationale’ for me doing a slow suicide was I wanted to be able to hang on that level without some kinda sign on my head. Well now I wanna LIVE so I’m going to stick to this routine.  I can see myself this summer ordering a shot of Ciroc and a glass of ice and water, whipping out my Ocean Spray Cranberry on-the-go and mixing my drink at the table at Dugans.  I can see traveling with the MWC and having what I need on me so we can do our public display of tipsy as we always do.  We carry around flask and ‘water’ bottles anyway, lol 

 Look at all of the drinks on the go and Chrystal Light Brand (they are usually located with the koolaid in the grocery store). There are all kinds of flavors that you can mix up and make drinks with. Adding fresh fruit as decorations and rimming glasses with splenda with a bit of food coloring can also make your drink visually the way you like it. 

Another thing to do is to fuse your own liquor.  This involves an air tight container, your favorite light liquor (vodka), cut up fruit and a dark place. Let this sit oh say 3 months in the back of the closet and the liquor should take on the flavor of the fruit (check your sugars with this) – for those that just want vodka on the rocks – homemade.  You can get this at some swanky bars as well.  vodka tonic and Vodka water tastes good as well (with higher quality liquor).

I hope that this might help someone else who is struggling with being young, social and diabetic.  Any comments, ideas etc. let me know! The more drinks we get in our arsenal the better.

P.S. The whole wine thing – you’re just either going to take an L about that and make sure you stick to low carb eating and/or limit yourself to like 2 glasses.  Funny I’mma choose HARD LIQUOR so I can have a bit more, lol lol lol

Thoughts After Karrine…….

I watched TV-One’s Life After with Karrine Supahead.  I read her first book, because like most of us – we nosey as hell and she was naming names.  It went in a brain cell and came out, but she kept coming and now has built herself a career from it.  After watching the show stuff started bubbling in my head and her is the Orgasm it produced, lol

Casting a Net Wider Than My Legs Can Open

There’s a lot of pressure in the world to be sexual. Sexual fulfillment is one of the basest actions that we have as a human and the only thing that separates us from a mere animal is that (1) we have sex face to face and (2) we have a higher brain capacity to think of circumstances. Otherwise, we pretty much are moving on impulse in that area. Sex is EVERYWHERE! You can’t escape it and I’m not talking about children – I’m talking about ADULTS. There is an undercurrent that if you are not being sexual, you are not being adult and real and relative, lol lol Can you believe that shit?! Grown up’s are putting pressure on other grown up’s about their sexuality. You either wit it or you square.

What about if you are trying to live your life in a broader scale than just your genitalia. What if you are still in control of your ‘urges’ like it was intended so that you can make wider choices and make your journey be about the total experience than the one that happened behind closed doors? What if the ability to be able to speak positively outweighs the need to orgasm? What if you are just not a follower?

Numbers or Quality

Hmm it is my understanding that the act of copulation goes as follows: the male penis becomes engorged with blood, making it become stiff for insertion into the female vagina which becomes lubricated to ease insertion. The male moves up and down to create friction which is needed for him to climax, thus releasing sperm for their journey up the vaginal tunnel thru the cervix to it’s destination the egg. A female climax which is a set, timed number of vaginal contractions helps move these sperm towards their destination, but is not necessary for the sperm to reach it’s goal.

Now that we got that out of the way – let’s expound. Humans no longer have sex just for procreation; we have sex for recreation and being curious creatures, we’ve add a whole arsenal of ‘things’ to do that differ from that basic function and move above. However that move is ALWAYS included in the mix. We also use methods to kill, maim and eliminate that little procreation function, thus freeing us up to try the other stuff. Questions like “I wonder if I put my mouth on his penis what it would feel like?” “I wonder if I insert something in the ass, will that produce a response?” are all things that make us humans ‘special’.

So now let’s be really real, exactly how many different things can you do before you are repeating and once we find something we like, don’t we tend to stick to that, lol. So exactly how many people does it take to come to an understanding about what you like and how you like it done? There’s a common belief that more equals better, I agree to that, but more shouldn’t have to mean MORE PEOPLE. The activity of sex itself is what can hone a person to be so-called good (because if there was EVER a relative thought process it’s about who is good at sex. You are only as good as the very last persons critique of you and those critiques whether good or bad are not up for discussion with others and can be manipulated to suit your own personal need for validation – YOU tell the story to your next person – they don’t).

Exactly how different can one person be from another that you need to engage in sex with a whole heap of people in order to ‘get it right’. Shouldn’t it be about at minimum tweaking, and shouldn’t at some stage CONVERSATION, put you on the right path to fulfilling your partners needs. Is there a time (especially as a female) that “I sucked 150 dicks might not sound so good” or “I got up in 300 women” just not fly. If you have to keep trying on others to figure out what you’re doing – doesn’t that say more about you than them. The ability to please one person good should outweigh the ability to screw many. Shouldn’t your journey be about bringing it in tighter as opposed to spreading it around thinly? Is everyone worthy of your dick/coochie? Do you always step away feeling worthy?

Post Script: I know I know lots of rhetorical questions, but sometimes I just wanna think aloud.