List 5 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

It’s ok to want to do it that way. It’s no more wrong than their way is right.

FIGHT!! Stand up for yourself!! Use your outdoor voice!!

You wanted to go into Mass Marketing – though it has morphed in todays world – make that happen for yourself. You don’t have to do what’s expected of you by others, do what’s you expect from you.

Leave him earlier better yet don’t marry him – you have so much fucking to do -fuck him and keep it stepping but go back and get pregnant by him later on. I guarantee you – it will be worth it.

Don’t ruin your credit, arrange your finances to embrace shopping and do for you first!


Describe your relationship with your parents.

I don’t really have a relationship with them, but I thank God EVERY DAY for them because it explains so much and certainly completed me. I

I never really was affected to the extreme that others were but they seem to be affected and we haven’t spoken in years.

They have me in therapy

I never really grasped that they were not that much older than me and I guess they had to act in a parental role. I still am flabbergasted I never knew we enjoyed the same human. Funny, what titles do.

They wrap me up in a blanket and pour me some hot chocolate and read me a story when I need it most.

(All of these people are separate individuals)

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

My Husband Dying – first for obvious reasons my first one did. However, this is THE ONE. I mean I couldn’t do any better and the thought that I won’t be able to enjoy him up to my death scares the hell out of me. As he’s working these night and tired etc. I will wake up at night and my heart is just beating and beating and I have to say HE IS ALRIGHT, HE IS ALRIGHT.

Crying – I know that sounds weird but I have a very hard time just releasing in that manner because I feel fear about it. Two instances that I remember that kinda sucked up my tears were revolving around death. The first my father and it was so tense and it seems as if there is this ‘feeling’ that as a Muslim we have to be all calm. I remember being told to ‘not have a Christian funeral’ SIGH. I remember all of us grieving privately – we should have been able to get that off. The other instance was my first husband. I got overwrought and I swear I remember someone telling me to stop. I believe it was my brother. Well this just sucked the liquid out my body. In the last 6 years I have cried alot more than I did before but never more than say 2 minutes. Part of the reason is that it physically hurts. Yea I feel pain all in my head and shoulders – that’s how backed up it is. SIGH.

Confrontation – as much as I prance around, a lot of it is an act. I so do not like confrontation. It’s just not in my nature. I really am a peaceful person. I basically have been bullied at several points in my life by adults and familial peers and it’s been vicious and I never have the words (imagine that) to really get back with folks because I always feel it goes from 0-100 quite quickly. I’m just not emotionally prepared to argue and fight so I tend to spit and run or resort to the written word. Even that can go wrong. I remember one time I tried to express some feelings to my mom and with the advent of email – the response was instant and so vicious that even my husband and best friend were like DAMN I wouldn’t do that anymore. There’s no fair fighting or conversing or arguing – it just goes straight for the jugular as if we are strangers on the street. It’s so exhausting and just wears me out. So I fear it…immensely.

List 10 random facts about yourself.

I have a three volume hand written story of my life with Michael Jackson all the way until we get old.

I have every journal since I was 12 years old

I have a very nice classic porn collection VCR’s and Bad Music galore

Almost every evening – I take a nap to prepare for bed

I can only wear heels every once in awhile because of the diabetes and my toes

I was a virgin when I graduated High School

I can plan what I want to dream about for the evening most times

I assign singing voices to most of the folks close to me

I can spend hours and I mean HOURS looking at pictures, articles etc. of the Jacksons

I still have not ever had sex in a car

The 30 Day Blog Challenge

1. List 20 10 random facts about yourself.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

4. List 10 5 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

7. What is your dream job, and why?

8. What are 5 passions you have?

9. List 10 3 people who have influenced you and describe how.

10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.

11. Describe 10 5 pet peeves you have.

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

23. List your top 5 3 hobbies and why you love them.

24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?

28. What is your love language?

29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?

30. List 10 5 things you would hope to be remembered for.

NaBloPoMo 11/3

Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Do you get more rejuvenation from being alone or from being with other people? How much alone (or social) time do you need to stay sane?

I chose this question because it is in-line with my thought process for today.  Currently I am in a state of flux – some of it is because my estrogen is on extra and some of it is real.  What I know is that I can’t have it all, but I need to be able to identify when the shift happens so that I can move more effectively back and forth.

Ultimately I can’t have it all, theres no reality in that.  I know that I need a sufficient amount of me time and that is what fuels me, BUT I need a fair amount of ‘off time’ human interaction.  You know that time when you’re not on, when you are a part of the group and not the leader, when folks listen and don’t ask.  Where the same kind of feeling about the things I’m passionate about is around.

However, here’s what I know about me, I am EXTRA.  Folks like MJ I stan for him. Folks do nice 12-20 page scrapbooks, I do 100 page plus books. I’m loud,  I can tell a great story and I like the spotlight.  Here’s what else I know, I can be shy, unsure and a loner.

So in order to be sane, I need to look in the mirror and see all of me and be able to address all of my needs, since that can be impossible my real sanity comes in trying to figure all of that out.

After my blog this morning, I focused and several doors opened for me that made the needing people thing get in perspective.  I’m a ball of confusion but a good ball, lol


NaBloPoMo 11/2

Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Tell us the story of a piece of jewelry you own. Where did it come from, and what does it mean to you?

 This picture was taken on my wedding day.  My Mother in Law made that beautiful pillow for us BUT the piece of jewelry I am showcasing is the one that answers todays blog question.

What makes my wedding set so special to me is that it came after the sentiment.  I had a wedding ring before many years ago and it came devoid of the sentiment that I would expect to be attached to it.  Ultimately I got turned off on the notion and the ‘story’ behind the ring.  I was looking for the meaning – you could keep the jewelry. 

Then I met my husband, who asked me to marry him and didn’t have a ring.  I accepted his proposal without any hesitation because it spoke to me in volumes about the way he felt.  We were ‘engaged’ for a couple of months and I was open with the engagement and even if someone had some ‘feelings’ about my ring finger being empty, they didn’t say anything.  For some reason the ring would just be a symbol of metal – all the feeling everyone could see a mile away.

I remember walking in the bedroom. At the time we were sleeping on two mattresses on the floor (don’t ask, lol).  I plopped on the bed and he plopped down beside me and the maroon box came out.  He opened the box and there was my engagement ring.  I was thrilled!!  When I put it on electricity went throught my body and we were sealed. 

Our wedding bands were simple from the mall – he lost his oh I don’t know a month after we got married, lol lol  This move looped right back around to the way I felt when I didn’t have one at the time of engagement – it really was a piece of metal cause our relationship was SOLID.

My wedding set is my most important piece of jewelry because it truly is a piece of metal that shows others our bond – our relationship is so much more than these rings.

National Blog Posting Month!!

Hello!  My girl Cassandra over at her fantastic blog made me aware that today is the beginning of National Blog Posting Month.  Each day this site will post some blog topics that can be used as prompts in order to post something everday for the entire month.  I am officially committing to doing this!!  So in the 12th hour – here’s my day one entry.

Day 1 of NaBloPoMo:
How would your life change if you didn’t have rent or a mortgage to pay, i.e., if your housing was free?

Well if I were to become rent free, I have a standing answer. I would be able to pay my car  note!!!!  I am not good with money, but I tend to be happy with the results of my mismanagement, if that makes any sense.  I am evenly yoked with my husband concerning the results as well.  Does this make it right?  NO Do I need to do better?  YES