The Fan Chronicles – The Collector

remember the time

Soo as tired as I am, I found time to look at my new MIchael Jackson book I acquired from a recent conference I attended (that will be blogged about shortly).  It made me think about (1) my love Michael and (2) the Collector.

Around my parts, I am identified as the number one Michael Jackson fan. I smile and nod and take the compliment, while inside I can be (given the time) quite tortured by the fact that I am NOT his number one fan. I could take some people to some places on this big ole internet that would make them afraid, lol lol I fancy myself in the upper echelon of Jackson Fans, but to really feel like that myself – I need to UP MY GAME! I need a room that I can use for my stuff. It needs to be out. I need to get me a freaking glove! I need some wall stuff. I need to go to JAPAN to get some of the good stuff! I am a diligent fan, I am a respectful fan and I am a collector of all things Mike.

If you’ve never been a fan of someone or something or some team, then this whole concept can be quite hard to grasp. There are folks who like things as in “I really like football” but then there are fans, such as say my husband, ‘who owns merchandise, who speaks fondly of, and will cuss you out’ about the Lakers. I think all of us have several different likes in the world of pop culture – but there are only pockets of people who truly are into being a fan.

The part of being a fan I’d like to expound upon today, concerns the….COLLECTOR

I know of people who collect solely all of MJ’s music. I’ve seen pictures from someone who has like 25 copies of Thriller, then additional copies of remixes, spin offs, International releases etc. etc. There are those that collect imagery of MJ. They just have thousands maybe even hundreds of thousands of pictures of him. There are those of us who collect a little bit of it all.

We all collect for different reasons as well. Some collect because the items might be worth something. They will buy 2 dolls, one to open and one to remain mint in the box. Others just like having things around that remind them of the person/thing/team etc. they are a fan of.

I collect items that incorporate Mike into my every day life. Nothing is off limits and I like to touch and enjoy all of the things I have. My items remind me of him and allow me to have him with me on a daily basis, if I so choose. After his death, I knew that there would be a market for items, so a part of my goal is to obtain things outside the scope of a normal collector. It didn’t have to be big or expensive, but imagine the feeling when I walked into the Largest Apple store in my community with my Iphone decked out in Mike!! That was fire!

I’ve also started ‘collecting’ photographs. There are so many great pictures of Mike and his Family at my disposal. I just collect them on my computer and will run a slide show at any given time to just examine the pictures and bring them to life in my mind. I want to take it even farther and actually print them out so I can hold them, lol I have several already – and in 2011 will try to get more out of the computer and in my hand.

I daydream sometimes about not having financial constrictions and being able to really ‘collect’ you know like folks who scour the earth for fine art etc. Michael is art to me and there are things and items out in this world that you can own that makes that very clear to you. I can see myself walking along some street in Japan and coming upon a little shop that has a whole shelf with just Michael merchandising. I can bring it even closer to something that might come true for me in 2011 – walking in Harlem, NY and coming across a street vendor who has his Mike wares displayed.

Even the most extreme collector is not crazy or should be feared. Folks spend their money on what they want to. I budget for my Mike acquisitions and even if it takes me a minute – if I set my eyes on something, I will get it.

So the next time you encounter a fan who collects, or even if you see me jumping around about some item I MUST have or just got in – don’t fret – we just being a FAN.

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2300 Jackson Street

Rebbie, Jackie, Jermaine, Tito Latoya, Marlon, MIchael, Randy, and Janet – collectively known as the Jacksons – privately known as my ‘real’ family and now art sure is imitating life, lol lol  For the last nine or ten days, the Jacksons have been embroiled in what can only be called a webisode reality series. 

It sorta random tweet from Michael Jacksons daughter Paris, indicating that her Grandmom was missing.  Um, DON’T NOBODY MESS WITH MS KATHERINE!!  It took off like a firecracker and as I sit here today, and at the time of this blog writing.

  • Ms. Katherine is Home
  • Ms. Katherine said she went on vacation and cut her phone off, she wasn’t kidnapped
  • Ms. Katherine lost guardianship (temporarily) of Prince, Paris and Blanket (Prince II)
  • TJ, Tito’s son has guardianship
  • Prince has tweeted that it’s all S-H-A-D-Y and that his Father always told him about folks

There has been a lot of other stuff going on but this is the most recent. 

 After hearing Katherine speak, I have come away with some thoughts.  This in no way is an attempt to explain this stuff esp. since I’m sitting here in Atlanta and it’s popping off like it is, but hell, being from a big family, I can see into these types of things. I’m going to do this bullet style to make it easier to capture my thoughts.

  • Prior to Michael Jackson passing, he raised his children out of the spotlight and that included for the most part his siblings.  It ‘seems’ that his mother, who he adored, had contact and relationship with his children.
  • For I know over a decade, the Jackson siblings themselves have been off doing their own thing and though they might gather at the ‘required’ moments as a whole, they were not very intertwined in each other’s lives.  Yet they all had a connection to their mother.  Janet herself said that she hadn’t spoken to her Brother Michael in at least a year!  Jermaine’s book also made it seem like he didn’t talk to him like that either.  They were a family in name only…
  • This means the cousins really didn’t know each other and I can almost promise that they didn’t know Michael’s children like that. 
  • At the passing of Michael Jackson, as it should have been, everyone pushed through whatever and closed the wagons up to grieve as a cohesive unit.
  • It was revealed that Michael Jackson left the custody of his children to his mother, and in the event of her death or inability to care for them, Diana Ross.
  • The children were thrust into a WHOLE NEW WORLD. First of all, the world of the Jacksons themselves, and let’s keep it real – they had to make a whole slew of adjustments and that includes but not limited to:  cultural (um Mike didn’t keep but so many negroes on deck), the public, their own family etc. all in the middle of grieving for their father. They themselves came from an alternate universe of masks, neurosis, celebrity and opulence.

Let’s fast forward a bit:

  • Time has passed and since the coming together of the family was based on incident and not personal desire, things have gone back to the way they were prior and the dysfunction that has long been in place is back in effect.
  • Katherine Jackson is now 82 years old.  Sure she raised children….in the 50’s-70’s.  Even when she moved to California, basically she raised Janet and Randy by Hollywood standards. Being a guardian full time is a whole different ball game, and at her age, this is not as easy as it used to be.
  • The Jacksons have, in my opinion, always had way to many people in their business.  Instead of them reaching OUT for a team, it seems that there is always someone reaching IN and placing themselves in some position and since there is no real family cohesiveness, this is a whole lotta people.

So now here we are with this mess:

  • The Jacksons are reactionary when it comes to family issues.  Because they are splintered, there is never a concise stream of information – the only real link they have is their Mother (we will leave Joe out of this) and therefore she is the jump off point for when they do feel like it’s time to ‘be a family’.
  • Katherine Jacksons home has become a big playground for her Grand Children, they come there because, despite the overall dysfunction, Katherine Jackson has never turned her back on her faith or her Gary Indiana roots and they find a bit of peace there.
  • However, in my opinion, they have been running game and ramshod all over her.  She is not and could not be prepared for what kids have available to them, all this new technology etc. and in her innocent ways, I’m sure she was thinking that this transition was going to be a lot easier.
  • I don’t’ think NOT ONE OF THEM, really understood the world of Michael Jackson and the impact his death would have on the flipping world.  I mean you know, he was their brother blah blah blah and I’m sure there was some side eye and hate over the years – impossible that it wouldn’t be, but when he passed and the world stopped spinning and then to find out he excluded his siblings – that put a lot of pressure on their Mother.  I’m feel he did that because of the bullshit – by giving her money, he knew she would adjust her will to include them – eventually they would get it but I be damn if it came from him.
  • It must be VERY hard to believe that he left them out, the thought that the concept of ‘family’, despite all that probably went down over the year, would trump all in the end, is a HARD PILL TO SWALLOW, which is why they keep looking like deer in headlights and trying to file papers – “He couldn’t have left us out…we…family”
  • So while on some level this is about money – this is also about 9 people who grew up and decided for whatever reason that the bond of youth was flawed and they all went off to…..figure it all out.
  • Yet somebody got wind that Katherine was tired and the rigors of the kids was wearing her out and OVERREACTED, because NOBODY MESSES WITH KATHERINE including the Grandkids and this spiraled into texts and half ass information that somehow ended up pitting Katherine’s children against her Grandchildren.  “OH ya’ll not gonna run my damn momma crazy – yo daddy has already pissed us the hell off, now this” (I say this because her house is FULL of grandkids Hell Jermaine needs to come GET HIS, but for some reason this is about Michael’s kids. So headed up by the most emotional of the bunch, they whisked Katherine away to get her some rest. 
  • Meanwhile and in between time, nobody expected Paris to pop off. See, that would run me crazy! And so they tried to go and get the kids, probably to put they foot in their ass.  “Um this ain’t Neverland, we from Indiana and you’s nigra and THIS RIGHT HERE AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. YA’LL NEED YAH ASS WHOOPED” and that went terribly wrong!!  So here we are where we are.

In the children’s defense, if I woke up one day and figured out that my daddy was Michael Jackson and then put two and two together as I also saw the world STOP. I WOULD BE CUTTING A PLUM DAMN FOOL! You hear me!  I’d be just smacking bitches and walking through stores turning over shit and feeling myself – at least for a little while – so they need that time to get that off.

Here’s the thing – until the Jacksons fix the foundation, and until the siblings figure out how to get back to some sort of cohesive bond, one they make up, one they have seen or one they might remember – this is NOT going to be an easy road.  There is nothing they can all go back to that makes the playing field even. Therefore, they naturally split into sub-cultures of their family.  Coming together only when it is absolutely necessary and that usually involves…death.  We won’t even see the entire Jackson clan together until Ms. Katherine passes and then there’s going to be all this falling out, emoting and acting a damn fool, why? Because at least they could stand up under her umbrella and pretend, when it’s closed…there’s nothing but the harsh sunlight and there’s no amount of sunblock that will protect them from that burn.  Believe me, I know.

Can You Feel It?! – Introduction

Destiny, Triumph, Victory – no those are not (well they might be) gospel songs (lol), they are three of the most important entertainment events, I have ever attended. These are the three most popular Jackson concerts.  I went to Destiny and triumph here in Atlanta and I went to Victory in Philadelphia. 

I don’t remember much about the Destiny tour, it’s all a blur, even though I have my ticket stub and program.  The Triumph tour I remember because I wore a pair of jeans and a Baseball Sasson shirt that was yellow and white and I remember fainting and people pulling me up off the ground, lol I have that stub and program as well.

Now the Triumph tour I remember a bit more because it was the year I graduated HS, it was that winter in Philadelphia at the biggest outdoor arena they had at the time.  It was sooo cold that they actually cancelled the show.  I was devasated, but refused to turn my ticket in.  They ended up rescheduling it, and I went with a family friend.  The part I remember the most? There was now on the ground, and I went into the arena in a tank top, shirt, sweatshirt, coat, hat and gloves along with two pairs of socks, I came OUT the concert in the tank top, ROTFL.  I had to take it off baby!!

I never had the chance to see Michael in concert. Whenever he was in the States, it always sold out faster than I could get in line and there was a period through the 90’s where I had fallen astray and was exploring other music and people (GASP). 

Fast forward to 2009 and the hope that the “This Is It” tour would maybe come to the States, I thought this would be my chance and then June 25, 2009 changed that forever……..

I can’t remember where I was when the announcement dropped that Jackie, Tito, Jermaine and Marlon had reunited and were going out on the “Unity Tour” to celebrate their Brother and their own legacy.  I do know when I heard it, my heart started beating fast and there were no QUALMS or MISGIVINGS about whether or not I was going!!  I was there!

Though it would be 3 months, until the show actually came to pass, the second I clicked PURCHASE on the Live Nation site – I started feeling that feeling….I was going to see THE JACKSONS!!

To Be Continued….

Some Mike Randomness

Good Morning!  Let it flow Let it flow

I had to ‘retire’ Mike from my public conversation recently in order to maintain my personal peace aka I was about to snap on the Facebook and decided this was a higher road to take, lol

I have been daydreaming about Mikes uncircumsized member, probably a bit more than I should.  So sue me!  How many times do we find out something of a sexual matter about him?

Horrified that the Autopsy report was released, even more horrified that I felt compelled to read it, devasated that I had to know him by his death report.

I wasn’t going to do a Mike scrapbook – I mean I have my collection – but then someone created Mike scrapbook pages and it just grew from there and now I know I need to do one – consolidate my thought process and feelings so that I can spend time with him in that book. (his brothers too).

I was able to score a whole bunch of clippings from the 70’s from such gems as Black beat, Tiger Beat, Right On! on Ebay!  Very excited because of course I had that stuff but it was lost over the years, well now it’s back!

I’m just going to let it go concerning that whole We are the world 25 for Haiti – it’s an example of what constitutes the music of today – I will more focus on how sad I am for my daughters generation, lol

I currently have 27 live concert clips on my iPhone for my enjoyment on the Rail system!  LOVE IT!  LOVE IT!

I think Janet, who is channeling her emotion, in the movie “Why did I Get Married 2” is gonna tear it up!

I sure hope the Brothers come on back for a season 2 of the Jackson Family Dynasty. Alot of folks thought it was boring and what was the point.  Hell what is the ‘point’ of most of the reality shows on TV.  I like they are not extra – I like getting to know them.

I am not over Mike’s Death yet – however, I am moving into that private area where I just enjoy ‘his’ company with my stuff.  I am at peace, but I’m not over it.

It’s been 7 months already

Wow!  I can’t believe that this past 25th of January made 7 months my beloved Michael passed.  Life goes on and most folks have moved on from the event with a random magazine here, some heart felt words there and a note on their calendar, but some of us have not only struggled but are still in the throes of grieving.

I’m not sure that I’m grieving persay as much as I’m celebrating.  This whole thing has gotten me back in touch with a time period and a place in my life that I consider (as an adult cause it was HELL when I was actually there, lol) my own Neverland period.  I have liked opened this door up in life apartment and dusted off the furnishing, lit some incense and took up residence once again. I have opened up a summer home in my life, lol

What I have found interesting is that I have embraced a particular time/look/music.  I got back into the entire Jackson spectrum. Because I consider myself an OG Fan, I don’t just want to see Mike sing Bad or Billie Jean – I want some of the softer nuances that actually came with his Brother.  When he was performing for us and not to us you know?

As sometimes I spend to much time doing – I concern myself with whether I”m being extra. I mean I am 43 1/2 years old at this point and rocking Mike might seem a bit much – but then I’m like if there ever was a time when I’m doing me – this subject matter right here is it, lol

I am still picking up bits and pieces of memorbilia here and there – I am moved by certain things and I want to be different.

This stuff was on my mind because the Grammys are this weekend which means Mike will be in the building.  Man I miss that man soo!!  RIP Mike.

He forgave Joe – so I am not to judge

Michael Jackson gave a speech in England at Oxford University.  The timeline of this speech was before the second trail for molestation charges.  He had been working with the Rabbi and was healing some of his pain.  This was also before the Martin Bashir interview.

 

I read the speech and I would like to share some excerpts from it.  It is a powerful piece and I feel that he had forgiven his Father therefore, this closes that question in my mind.

 

It also is prolific for me personally because this same line of thinking about how to forgive your parents – I embraced through my own studies and emancipation and from the day I figured this out – a huge chunk of my life came into focus and I feel blessed.  One of the Greatest successes in my life is the internal resolution to my issues with my parents and therefore myself and the reconstruction of my relationship with my Mother – AMEN!

You probably weren’t surprised to hear that I did not have an idyllic childhood.  The strain and tension that exists in my relationship with my father is well documented. My father is a tough man, and he pushed my brothers and me hard, from the earliest age, to be the best performers we could be. 

He had great difficulty showing affection.  He never really told me he loved me.  And he never really complimented me either.  IF I did a great show he would tell me it was a good show, if I did a good show he would tell me it was a lousy show.  HE seemed intent above all else on making us a commercial success.  My father was a managerial genius and my brothers and I owe our professional success in no small measure to the forceful way that he pushed us.  He trained me as a showman and under his guidance, I couldn’t miss a step. 

But what I really wanted was a Dad.  I wanted a father who showed me love and my father never did that.  But I remember once when I was about four years old there was a little carnival and he picked me up and put me on a pony.  It was a tiny gesture, probably something he forgot five minutes later but because of that one moment, I have this special place in my heart for him.

But now I am a father myself, and one day I was thinking about my children and how I wanted them to think of me when they grow up.  And when I think of this of how I hope that my children will not judge me unfavorably, and will forgive me my shortcomings, I am forced to think of my own father, and despite the part of me  that denied it for years I have to admit that he must have loved me, He did love me, and I know that.

There were little things that showed it. When I was a kid I had a real sweet tooth.  My favorite food was glazed donuts, and my father knew that. So every few weeks I would come downstairs in the morning and there on the kitchen counter was a bag of glazed donuts.  It was like Santa Claus.  He was scared of human emotion, he didn’t understand it or know how to deal with it, but he did know donuts.  And when I allow the flood gates to open up , there are other memories that come rushing back, memories of other tiny gestures, however incomplete that showed that he did what he could.

So tonite rather than focus on what my father didn’t do, I want to focus on all the things he did do, and on his own personal challenges, I want to stop judging him.

(additional text about how his father grew up)

An now, with time, rather than bitterness I feel blessing.  In the place of anger, I have found absolution.  And in the place of  revenge I have found reconciliation. 

As an adult, and as a parent, I realize that I cannot be a w hole human being, nor a parent capable of fully committed, unconditional love until I put to rest the ghosts of my own childhood.  That is why I want to forgive my father, and to stop judging him.  I want to forgive him because I want a father and he’s the only one I’ve got.  I want the weight of my past lifted from my shoulders and I want to be free to step into a new relationship with my Father for the rest of my life. 

To all of you tonite who feel let down by your parents, I ask you to let down your disappointment. To all of you tonite who feel cheated by your fathers or mothers, I ask you not to cheat yourself further, and to all of you tonite who feel like telling their parents they can go to hell, I ask you tonite to exted your hand to them instead.

For in the exchange of pain the accounts are never balanced. By forgiving our parents, we are not denying that they may have wronged us. We are not whitewashing their sings or creating saints of sinners. But harboring resentment against your parents will never give you the love you so crave. Getting even will not make our lives better. 

Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”  Tonite, be strong..  Beyond being strong, rise to the greatest challenge of all: to restore that broken covenant by teaching our parents how to love. We must all overcome whatever crippling effects our childhoods may have had on our lives, and in the words of Jesse Jackson “forgive each other, redeem each  other, and move on.

This Is It Gave Me Peace

I went to see it today at noon – took off from work.  Dressed in my Mike Shirt, black high water pants, white socks and loafers – I was the only one giving him the proper wardrobe for such an event. There were only about 15 of us in the whole theatre!  SIGH Atlanta can be WACK at times.

The anticipation just about killed me!  When the lights finally went down and the words began popping up on screen – I just held my breathe – the second they showed him the tears started to fall. Yes I cried the first maybe 10 minutes but then something else happened….

A level of peace came over me that was wonderful.  The more and more I watched there was no need to cry – Michael was just as I had imagined he would be and NOT how people were trying to say he was. He was in good health, he was lucid, he was on point and he had not aged in terms of his Musical/Dance ability at all.

I LOVED to be able to see him in his element. We always got to see him in the moment – but this is where his element was.  He was a beautiful person!!

My favorite parts were kinda abstract because I have love for him so I wasn’t looking at ooh wow he is singing Billie Jean (though that’s a fabulous part of the show) – I LOVED his rehearsal outfits the best.  I kept laughing at how I envisioned him getting up and that’s what he chose to put on, lol lol lol

He was involved in every aspect of that show. He knew what he wanted, what he was doing and NOBODY was pushing him around.

He looked good.  Now yes this footage was edited but I never saw him looking weak or spaced out or anyone looking like Leroy the pill pusher constantly by his side. So they can squash it!

When I say he danced with those young people with a vigor – PLEASE BELIEVE ME.  I was thinking about how Janet wore knee pads and she couldn’t quite get off the floor as quick during the MTV Tribute performance to the point they edited it out and showed a different camera angle – where as Mike was ON FIRE!!!  He kept up and he LED them.

MIKE COULD DO THESE SHOWS!!  MIKE COULD DO THESE SHOWS!! MIKE COULD DO THESE SHOWS!

If he had of been able to bring this to fuition – it would have changed the entire live performance spectrum for all entertainers.  This show was going to be OFF THA CHAIN!!!!!!

I came out into the sunshine and just had to smile – Michael was the person who I thought he was and I know that he is at peace irregardless of the hell he might have been in on earth.  This film brings his peace to the audience and though I feel there are some more troubling moments ahead as we try to put our grief on the back burner instead of right at the top of our list – I am at peace with how he has spent time in my  life. 

THANK YOU MIKE!!!

Oh and I really wanted to find Dr. Conrad and put my foot up his……….QUACK!

P.S. There is a preview of the Jacksons Reality Show coming on A&E supposedly in December. Can’t wait for that either!  I LOVE THEM ALL!!!!!

This Is It

the casketOn June 25th my life changed FOREVER!  All I remember is collapsing on the floor in hysterical sobs as the newsman confirmed the day I never saw coming – the death of Michael Joseph Jackson.  Ever since that day a part of me that was subdued has come forth and become an active part of my life.  Funny to see that teenager again – it’s been awhile, lol  She has come back with a vengence except my main being is now 42 years old and a spoilsport, lol  She does a good job of keeping the teenager under control, yet giving her enough room to be. 

Since his passing, I have grieved almost every day.  First of all my birthday month will forever be changed (sigh) and second I really loved the man and his music and his art.

I have gathered up everything I had accumulated over the years into one central location and I am slowly adding to my collection.  There is this feeling of back and forth because I am mourning the loss, YET so overjoyed with the resurgence of his greatness in the mainstream.  I pour almost weekly over all the things being sold, being traded, being found by people.  I have a list of things that I’d like to add.  It’s not alot but enough for me.

I joined the official Michael Jackson website forum and take great solace in interacting with others who are sincere about their fan duties.  For alot of people life has gone on – even folks who claim they are die hard fans – but I am still entrenched.  I had my ringtones, ringbacks, calendars etc. WHILE HE WAS ALIVE and I dealt and touched them on the weekly if not daily – so this is not something I pick up when need be – I have been living it all along.

The other day I got distraught over the fact that I’m going to get distraught when I go see this movie.  In my old age, I’ve become a bit emotional about mines and so I already know this is going to be heavy for me.  I need to see it at least 3 times in order to move along the process to the point where I can enjoy it, lol

I will be going the 28th at Noon and surprising my girlfriends by joining them on the 29th.  I have enough shirts to go several times in different outfits, lol

When I get home I’m going to take a picture of my current collection and post it.  Any other Mike Fans out there?