Yah Got Me Going In Circles

(Yea I got behind but here I am catching up!)

circles

My previous blog post gave this rundown of who I am and I believe most if not all of it, and so I thought that was a good segway into a mental health check in with yah girl.

I’ve spoken in public about having a breakdown of sorts last March.  Since that time, once I came up out the fog, it has been my goal to keep the light in my eyes and to feel comfortable and have available coping methods for the stress.  I had to accept that I am a worrier and that I absorb stress and that it can and will have a negative impact on my life.  I had to learn to dig deep and really start doing the work that would make me happy.

I am happy to report that I have been in a great state of bright eyes!  LOL  I was just mentioning that this is the longest I have been in self-imposed happiness in awhile.  As part of that ‘work’ I have had to accept who I am the good bad and ugly.  I used to joke I lived in a circle, and in actuality I do and am most comfortable that way.  I like to move about in a space that’s comfortable and I like coming back to and touching the same people/places/things.  Yes that can make me be inconsistent about some things and I have been inconsistent about things, sometimes important things like people – and I accept that.

Back when I was dating, I used to say I wanted to get me a few good dudes and rotate between them or have them somewhere that I can have them around, lol lol  (I did do that, but I will talk about that later..)

It’s not that I don’t like to try new things – my circles are not closed..but I like my life in this manner.  As I was doing bits of ‘work’ I took a look at some of my favorite circles and found that only my social media and Television were full and active, lol  I decided I needed to start filling up the other ones.  I needed to start filling up my life.  So that’s what I’ve been steadily doing.  I had the work circle, love circle, mom circle, friend circle, social media circle, family circle, craft circle, reading circle and I had added this new exciting circle health and fitness.  I decided to start dipping into them all and let me tell you, it’s a glorious moment when you look up and you are….full and not full of BS, Pain, Stress or Worry.

I wake up excited about all the things I have planned and I go to bed tired from it all.  Now I have faced and continue to face some shit, but I use the methods given to me by my therapist and my God and I am making it.  Sometimes it hard to not want to explain the who what when and why’s or defend myself or my behavior, but part of taking the best care of me, is about doing what’s best for me – no explanations, no compromise and not apologies.

So I carry on second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, but I will say this getting fit is NOT only for your body – my mind is getting better, eating better, exercising better, resting better.  I am getting FITTER in a 365 degree kinda way and what is that…a circle J

 

Thoughts From My Sweat

If you’ve gone back any, you know that in January I crawled up off the couch and into Planet Fitness, which turned out to be one hell of an epiphany.  I’ve been at it for about 8 months now.  I’ve fallen in love with the process.  I’ve met new folks, I’ve done new things and I feel great.  At the six months mark, I jotted down some thoughts – I had a few things bubbling so I thought tonite as I watch and eat all my virtual food on The Food Network would be as good a night as any.

I made the decision to get off weight watchers and just do my fitness pal. I remember telling folks that I couldn’t handle the intense breakdown of caloric intake and at that time I couldn’t but as I have progressed, I have found myself analyzing what I am eating and how many carbs or sodium etc are in the choices I make.  Weight Watchers have saved my ass more than once and I will still be involved in the world because of the good recipes etc, but I am going to see can I fly solo on caloric intake tracking alone.

Instagram has become my new home.  I love that place. I love my timeline and the folks who I like.  It’s more time consuming than the mindless activity of being on Facebook, but it certainly is the right place for me during this journey here.

I might be feeling some kinda way about my ‘twins’ going their separate ways, lol  4 inches have flew the coop!

My boss told me to not wear a dress anymore because it was too big lol  I guess I will go through my clothes again.  You get used to stuff and things that work with several sizes and it’s HARD to give that up.

I think I’m doing a good job at mixing up my work outs not just at the gym, but there is even more.  I intend to get to stone mountain and do the bottom VERY soon.

Folks wanna work out with lil oh me – who would have thunk LOL

I took a picture today and was shocked at how thin my neck and head is, lol  It’s always funny when you catch pure visions of yourself – visions that are not sullied by all your issues so you see yourself for real

I might try on a bikini – just because

I have to really think about what my goal is. I set short term goals but as I go farther along, I, as of now, have not become committed to the next level and that kinda bothers me.  I’m losing MIGHTY slow and my goal is always to get rid of my mid section but my diet is like at 75%-80% of where it might need to be.  So I might have to fall into that ultimate goal. What I mean is focus on continuing to do better, eat better, move more etc. and let the rest take its course.  The true diet champions CUT IT OUT!! Right now I can’t (won’t) not have some fried chicken every couple of weeks, or if we are out and I want a BK cone, I will have it.  I am not cutting any food groups out etc.  HOWEVER, I fought ‘clean’ eating and I pretty much have cleaned it up a lot, lol lol I’m so silly in the way I process some stuff.  I hope to look up and process a flat stomach, lol

I am so intrigued with my body. I spend probably borderline freaky time touching on myself, lol lol  I just rub my thighs or study my arms and look in the mirror to examine the damage that I have done to my body.  I lay around to see what my husband might be seeing, lol lol  HOT MESS I KNOW

I need one of those glass front ice boxes at my house.  Fruits Veggies etc. take up a lot of room. Wayy more than those two little drawers in most fridges give you.  I want to be able to spread all my stuff out.

Why is caloric tracking so damn wonky? You can have on three different devices and they all say something different and you can just give up when it comes to weight lifting.

Speaking of, I still don’t know how folks are getting such high caloric burns on Instagram?  1500 1700 I am reaching my prime heart rate or whatever and I just don’t pull those numbers.  Maybe I need to work out while having one of them strapped to my back, lol

I guess I need to begin to think about some big public display of fitness

Energy

energy

 

At this point in my life, I am VERY concerned about the type of energy I have around me.  The more I discover who I am and learn about how I came to be – it becomes more and more important that I take care of my spirit.

It’s interesting because all throughout my life, I’m finding out, I have been trying to do that by ‘disappearing’ not physically but mentally.  It’s like I know how to put a force field around me to block.  It’s been misconstrued as me being distant, or mean, or whatever – but it has basically helped me survive.

When I pull away, block, delete, stop talking to etc. these are not decisions that have been influenced by anyone else – I am fully aware of my actions.  I know that I am an absorber, my pores are open and they suck in all kinds of energy floating around in the air.  I know that I keep a full house of tenants in my head, so I have to decide who/what I have a vacancy for and who/what I don’t.  It’s been shaky trying to come to this understanding.  I’ve made some rash judgments – but surprisingly I don’t cop to making some wrong ones.  The only wrongs I will say is when I have removed the energy source, been convinced to let it back in and then wish I hadn’t.

Now in my late forties, I’ve made some progress.  I truly believe I have surrounded myself in my inner circle with the people/events/places that lend themselves to keeping my energy and spirit uplifted.  I move about in the world much easier, however, I am still attracted to the bright lights of the big city so to speak.  I just refuse to accept that I am just a country girl, with a country twang, looking to make lemonade and sit on the porch.  Those bright city lights be calling me, lol  Only to realize that it just is not the energy I want.  I am a person who needs specific people, places and things around me.  My view of the world is wide, but my belief in it’s trappings are jaded.  If I could only learn how to let folks live and still feel like I can be me.

The truth is that is probably the main issue I have in relating to some of my family, I always feel like I’m sucked up in situations that are not me and my vocal cords constrict and my body shuts down and I am just stumped.  I’ve gotten better in some situations, but others I just run away from because it just clashes so bad.  I don’t consider it judging, I just consider it not me.

My friend told me that one of the joys of talking to and with me is that my energy lifts him up every time we talk.  That’s what I strive for and that’s what I get from the energy I am surrounding myself with now.

Deeper Love

Colored’s kill me more often than not!!  For a group of people who stay prostrate begging and pleading for forgiveness, redemption and a chance to repent – we sure are picky about who we decide deserves another ‘chance’.

Exactly when was it decided that people can’t walk the fine line between brilliance and ignorance?  So what lil Wayne has ‘acted’ as if he has not the common sense God gave him, that does not mean that he is not capable of looking outside of his life and seeing things.  Hell with that many kids, he ought to be able to talk about all kinds of relationship things, lol  Are we mad cause it reeks of……Tupac, except he’s not fine enough for us to accept the duality?

I have said before that I had to learn how to love.  When I look back, we grew up in and learned all kinds of things but I can say for me, I did not learn the fundamentals of ‘How to Love’.   I learned how to embrace responsibility, I learned how to recite, I learned the role of a wife and mother, but I just didn’t get that love thing or how a man and woman did the dance of love.  Having my daughter was the catalyst for me learning how to love and  I can also now say, that I didn’t always get that right.

However, I have always understood the conceptual experience of Love.  I found it for the first time with Michael Jackson and that love has been a glowing heat in my chest for my whole life.  In my adulthood, I have not felt that I’ve been in love but once, especially when I look back.  I have been in like, I have been in obligation,  I have been in desperation, but what I understood to be the feeling associated with love once you strip away all of the bullshit, I have not….until now.  I also say that about the concept of How to Love.  I haven’t been in a full fledge day to day experience of the art of Loving another human (as in two adults) until now.

As we know, a whole lot of weight is placed on the inclusion of a Father in a child’s life and the consequences if they are not.  We don’t really speak about the fact that also very important to a child is the opportunity to learn HOW to love not just to EXPERIENCE love.  So though I had a Father in my life, I ultimately came out just as fucked up as a woman who didn’t when it comes to…LOVE.

So here I am with a girl child.  I decided to live my life, outside the scope of her sight, so she saw shadows and glimpses of How to Love, but to be quite honest, there wasn’t a lot of bonafide healthy situations that she could look at to start to form thoughts and opinions about how she would like to be loved one day, or love someone.  So imagine me in the dark of night on my knees, tears streaming thanking God for sending me someone at such a pivotal time in my child’s life that could show her (hell and me) How to Love.  Love is about speaking, listening, touching, helping, buffering, lifting, blocking, pulling, pushing, and even more.  It’s this other being that comes out of you, when your first inclination is to fight for self.  It actually is something that you have to see for yourself to believe it even really exists.  The purest form of it usually comes as a rainbow after despair.

I am most confident, that RG has put a strong visual in the Teenagers head, bringing all the movies, books, and vivid imagination of an impressionable teenager to light. I feel totally confident in letting her out in the world as a candidate to give and receive love.

For myself, falling and being in love with RG is like earning my Masters.  I had to earn my Bachelors the good old fashion way and I appreciate the fact that I had to first get my undergraduate work done, to even qualify for the Masters.   I am well on my way to my Ph D.  That kind of intense study and creation of a thesis is where I was trying to go.

 

Me and My Yellow Ass

I was cleaning out some files in my desk and came across my personality study that I did eons ago at the job. Each of us went under the scope of INSIGHT,  a company jobs use for team building etc. etc. We had this big meeting where after we filled out a profile about as long as eharmony  Then we were given a booklet supposedly all about us and our ‘style’. A lot of people at the table were not claiming the personality laid out before them, but mine made my eyes buck. It was so on the money! I started to immediately think – I’m not as deep as I profess to be, lol That worried me more than what the booklet said. I found out I was the only one in my department that was a “Yellow” which explains a lot.

This test was taken like 2005, but I remember it clearly because I took most of it to heart.  It has helped define who I am.  I embrace my ‘yellowness’ and try to remember these triggers and traits. In a weird sort of way it helps me relax about who I am and as I have made great strides to get into Pam. I always remember this.

The blog is a PERFECT place to expound on that which is Pam. So I am going to post some of what it said.  I will offer BOTH SIDES of the spectrum to be fair. Not just the good parts of Pam. I will however be giving snippets – the report was long…

Personal Style

Pamela radiates goodwill and enthusiasm. She is optimistic about life in general and human potential in particular. She wants to be indispensable to others and her desire to please is so strong that she can sometimes lose her own identity by ignoring her own needs.

Pamela is team -centered, thorough and articulate. She gravitates to other people and his highly skilled at understanding others’ needs and motivations. usually appearing friendly, tactful and sympathetic. Pamela tends to be at her most flexible, adaptable and easy going in everyday living, preferring to fit in harmoniously with those around her. Pamela has a real zest for living and enjoys company.

She tends to be fiercely loyal to her friends, prepared to sacrifice her own wants for the needs of the other person. Pamela can juggle several activities at ones. She has a tendency to play down the rules, particularly if they appear to oppose her values. Pamela can be gregarious, sociable and focused on others’ needs. She may benefit from taking a step back to consider the cause and effect of her actions, and from practicing becoming more tough-minded. She is seen by most others as a friendly, practical, realistic and down-to-earth person.

Because she tends to live for the present moment, she does not sense the need to prepare or plan more than necessary. She exhibits personal warmth, insight, originality and a broad organizational ability. Pamela is a good companion and fun to be with. She likes people and tends to be aware of and appreciate a person’s more admirable qualities.

Interacting with Others

Pamela is good at helping others achieve their goals and objectives, and will seek to encourage them to be all they can be. She may become possessive of people in whom she has invested alot of her emotional energy. She may suppress her own needs in the interest of pleasing others and may feel indispensable to her partner.

Outgoing, friendly, challenging and sympathetic, Pamela radiates warmth and fellowship. Placing a high value on her harmonious relationships, it is not surprising that people turn to Pamela for encouragement, nuture and support. Pamela tends to be very sensitive to the way she relates to others and is at her best in situations which run smoothly and harmoniously. She preers a stimulating life of co-operation and harmony. Both a fluent talker and listener, Pamela is optimistic about her ability o influence people towards her viewpoint. She is usually especially sensitive to unexpressed anger and conflict. Her primary desire is to be of service to other people. She attracts many friends and acquaintances.

Decision Making

People occasionally see Pamela making decisions that appear to fly in the face of logic. She tends to make choices around her own personal feelings which may be as important to her as more objective data.Because she values harmony and agreement., she believes the best way to maintain this is to persuade others of the validity of her viewpoint. She may unconsciously manipulate the process to get her own way.

Preferring harmonious outcome, Pamela will go to great lengths to ensure the preservation of relationships. She prefers moderate to slight-risk in decision making. Pamela loves fun and surprises and can bring a breath of fresh air to any situation through her free spirit.

Top Five Key Strengths

    • Innovative Counsellor

 

    • Sensitive to the needs of others

 

    • Easy going and fun approach to most things

 

    • Unassuming, patient, relaxed and non-threatening

 

    • Honourable

Top five Key Weaknesses

    • Avoids interpersonal aggression and irritation

 

    • Demotivated by routine tasks

 

    • Will tend to be influenced by the last person she talks to

 

    • Tends to hold grudges and will tell you about it

 

    • Masks her true feelings to avoid unpleasantness

Top Five Best Ways to Communicate with Pamela

    • Use a casual, informal style of conversation

 

    • Maintain a consistent, personal relationship with her

 

    • Talk about her and areas she finds stimulating

 

    • Be prepared to talk about a wide range of topics

 

    • Use warm gestures and expressive body language

To five Worst Ways to Communicate with Pamela 

    • Judge, criticize or embarrass her in public

 

    • Act aggressively or reject her ideas without explanation

 

    • Take advantage of her good nature

 

    • Assume that her sunny disposition means that she agrees with everything you say

 

    • Adopt an intransigent, judgmental stance

Pamela’ Blind Spots or Less conscious behavior

Trying to be less sensitive would enable Pamela to hear the often helpful information that is contained in constructive criticism. She may be so concerned about the feelings of others that she can be blind to important facts when it involves hurt feelings. She is vulnerable to the criticism of others because she tends to take feedback personally, which leads her to take offense and become discouraged. She needs to be more aware of her tendency to live much of her life for others.More self focus may bring surprising benefits. Pamela’s ideas may occasionally get lost because she tends to rethink them continually, preferring to keep them private. She can sometimes be impractical and may neglect routine details that need attention.Pamela may not realize that it is perfectly acceptable to receive without having to give in return.

17,155 Days

 

 

Image

 

 

June 4, 2013

17,155 that how many days God has blessed me to be alive!!  That’s 47 years I’ve been on this earth weaving the fabric of my life.

I had a beautiful day. I woke up with the resolve to set it aside and just be in the moment with no background noise and that’s just what I did.

Facebook sure can make you feel special!!  Over 80 declarations of Happy Birthday! All kinds of love!!  I am so appreciative and I will hold these sentiments close to my heart and pick at them over the next 365 when I need them!

I’ve had lunch with my bestie, connected with a person off of Facebook, talked at length with my Sister and Dad, used gift cards and broke bread with my family.  

I wanted to think all deep about my birthday and lay out all kinds of emotionally reverent conversation, but I then said Nope!  It’s really not that serious.  I spend so much time being serious and thinking serious and contemplating, analyzing, reconciling etc. that I have to schedule times to just not give a fuck and like I said above, just walk in the moment without all the extra!!  

There is room in your life to just twirl and not hit anything.  I totally am clearing the field to run unhindered in it.  

Today was my birthday, I have been alive 17,155 days God!!  For that I thank you!!  For that I THANK YOU!! 

 

Moments

June 3, 2013

That moment when shame is clearly connected to manipulation and you have an ah-ha moment for yourself

The moment you start liking your reflection in the mirror of the world

A moment of clarity

Moments in the dark giggling with the one you love

The moment past when you usually would quit

The fleeting moment you see him looking at you like that very first time

The break in the song moments in love

The moment the good outweighs the bad

That moment when memories become clear and vibrant

The moment when Michael Jackson’s voice confirms the presence of God

The moment I said I Do

The moment I called a spade a spade

The moment I didn’t burst into flames like they said I would

A moment where it all lines up perfectly

Some moments that are better than others

Lots of moments of clarity in the midst of chaos

The moments you have to push through

The moment the air conditioner comes on in the car on a hot ass day

The moment you realize you don’t pull a crowd like you used to

The moment you finally get it

The moment you realize adults bully too, it might be slicker and it might be covert but they do

That moment you wanna turn in your card

The moment I held her in my arms

The moment I pranced around naked feeling beautiful in front of a man

The moment I pranced around naked feeling beautiful in front of….ME

The moment you had to actually BE an adult

The moment when you first feel the ‘comfort of a man’

The moment when you first feel the comfort…of…GOD

The moment as a woman you learn to love another woman you are not related to.

The moment you can comfortably say “I am”

The moment you recognize your parents

The moment you recognize your parents in you

The moment you start working on that

All the moments that make up the moments in the fabric of  your life

Subject Noun Verb Agreement

Day 2

I knew I had a knack for writing at around 10 years old when I received a diary from somewhere.  I knew that my words affected folks when my mother read it cover to cover one day.  I remember burning that diary. That incident didn’t stop me from loving words, but it might have shaped how I address them in my life.  I love words.  I love to read them, to feel them, to taste them, especially when someone says something that moves me.  I also hate words.  They have been used to hurt, maim and destroy all around me.  However, if it were not for words, I probably wouldn’t be the halfway sane person I profess to be.

I consider myself creative.  It comes naturally to me.  I also consider myself the owner of many ideas the finisher of few.  Being the Gemini that I am, I flit all over the place sometimes like a bee, dropping little golden pearls of ideas where ever I chose to land that day.

Throughout my life, I have been, despite the chaos at times, pretty clear on the innateness of who I am.  I might not have always shown it, but every time I did something someone else wanted me to do, or changed something about me to appease someone else, that which in me stayed true.  I used to wonder where I got this feeling of ‘freeness’. I used to wonder how in my mind, I was ripe for say 1972 on a bus to LA to dance and sing in the park.  I have cultivated a rich private alternative universe for myself for as long as I can remember.  I figured some of that out when I met my biological father, but that’s another story for another day.

There have been periods of time when words took over me and not vice versa and I have not stopped them from spilling out, that’s not the way I operate – if it’s time, I let it flow however the medium.  Sometimes they come out in a poem, sometimes a short story, sometimes a line in a half written journal entry.

At some point I recognized that I was living on paper and not in real life and that was when I purposely stopped journaling. It was time to BE.  This kinda corresponded with the discovery of the world of blogging and that opened up a whole new arena to express myself.  That first year and my first blog “The Emancipation of Pammie”, was flipping ground breaking in the personal blogging space.  That one year, set in motion so much happiness for me, ya’ll don’t even know.

Fast forward, to another fantastic medium, good ole Facebook.  In that space I have been able to create a running daytime talk show full of all the things I enjoy, while I read and correspond with folks at the SAME DAMN TIME! It’s the perfect joining of all that makes my personality great, lol

I have given this long ass opening to get to this point.  I know how to write, sometimes I enjoy it but it is NOT a particular passion of mines.  If I had to assign it some passion, the passion more so involves being able to convey thoughts, feelings and emotions in an effective way at the appropriate time.  If I say something on Facebook or like now in a blog entry (because sometimes the desire to blog leaves the plate for long periods of time) and it makes someone say wow, damn, or even get the fuck outta here with that bullshit, that creates passion because I am heard and everyone knows I have issues with having a ‘voice’ and so these mediums give me that possibility.

I found this definition that perfectly fit how I feel:

Intrinsic motivation

Since passion can be a type of motivation in hobbies then assessing intrinsic motivation is appropriate. Intrinsic motivation helps define these types of passion. Passion naturally helps the needs or desires that motivate a person to some particular action or behavior. Certain abilities and hobbies can be developed early and the innate motivation is also something that comes early in life. Although someone might know how to engage in a hobby, this doesn’t necessarily mean they are motivated to do it. Christine Robinson makes the point in her article that, ” …knowledge of your innate motivation can help guide action toward what will be fulfilling.” Feeling satisfied and fulfilled builds the passion for the hobby to continue a person’s happiness.

So though I know folks feel that I should be writing, I always say I do write and I’ve given this explanation more times than I care to count.  IF I decide that what I’d like to say should be for sale, I’ll be the first to tell you, but for now…it’s not.

In Flux or the Matrix

June 1, 2013

Well my birthday is three days away.  Whew!  I can’t really tell you where the last year went but I can tell you there have been some ROUGH spots!  Last year this time, I had a High School graduate, this year was soooo quiet now that I have a upcoming Sophomore in COLLEGE.  I looked at my calendar from last year and the whole month of May was booked, lol  Funny what a year can do.

I’ve done a lot of work though, believe you me.  I feel in so much of a better place emotionally and mentally.  I have not only packed away but thrown out sooo much dead weight.  The struggle will NEVER end in that area, but the bags are all kinds of way much lighter baby!!

I’ve also made some physical changes that I’ll discuss in another blog during this month.

I’ve picked up some new hobbies (bracelet making) that I absolutely love.  I was going to start up a business but the expenses of the craft and the dismal launch (it was my fault) of an idea I had squashed that.  I now enjoy making them for friends etc. and I’ll sell a few under different circumstances than an actual business.

As my birthday gets near, I do start to evaluate and see what I’d like to do for the next 365 days if God blesses me.  Right now I’m feeling kind of unfulfilled.  I’d like to nuture some new friendships meet some new folks who are at the same  stage as I am in my life.  I vow to go to a couple of meet ups and see what’s up this upcoming birth year.  I want to see what’s happening on the education front maybe learn some more things (I am pissed I missed out on the opportunity for the online Continuing Education Courses). God KNOWS I need to work even harder on my finances!!

One thing I’ve begun back doing is reading and it’s been a welcome return. My Kindle was a GREAT purchase and the ‘what books are free today” website has totally got me back into reading all kinds of books.  I’m reading like a book a week.

So let me get off of here and get to doing some other stuff!  I look forward to what might spill out over these next 30 some odd days.