At this point in my life, I am VERY concerned about the type of energy I have around me. The more I discover who I am and learn about how I came to be – it becomes more and more important that I take care of my spirit.
It’s interesting because all throughout my life, I’m finding out, I have been trying to do that by ‘disappearing’ not physically but mentally. It’s like I know how to put a force field around me to block. It’s been misconstrued as me being distant, or mean, or whatever – but it has basically helped me survive.
When I pull away, block, delete, stop talking to etc. these are not decisions that have been influenced by anyone else – I am fully aware of my actions. I know that I am an absorber, my pores are open and they suck in all kinds of energy floating around in the air. I know that I keep a full house of tenants in my head, so I have to decide who/what I have a vacancy for and who/what I don’t. It’s been shaky trying to come to this understanding. I’ve made some rash judgments – but surprisingly I don’t cop to making some wrong ones. The only wrongs I will say is when I have removed the energy source, been convinced to let it back in and then wish I hadn’t.
Now in my late forties, I’ve made some progress. I truly believe I have surrounded myself in my inner circle with the people/events/places that lend themselves to keeping my energy and spirit uplifted. I move about in the world much easier, however, I am still attracted to the bright lights of the big city so to speak. I just refuse to accept that I am just a country girl, with a country twang, looking to make lemonade and sit on the porch. Those bright city lights be calling me, lol Only to realize that it just is not the energy I want. I am a person who needs specific people, places and things around me. My view of the world is wide, but my belief in it’s trappings are jaded. If I could only learn how to let folks live and still feel like I can be me.
The truth is that is probably the main issue I have in relating to some of my family, I always feel like I’m sucked up in situations that are not me and my vocal cords constrict and my body shuts down and I am just stumped. I’ve gotten better in some situations, but others I just run away from because it just clashes so bad. I don’t consider it judging, I just consider it not me.
My friend told me that one of the joys of talking to and with me is that my energy lifts him up every time we talk. That’s what I strive for and that’s what I get from the energy I am surrounding myself with now.