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Deeper Love

Colored’s kill me more often than not!!  For a group of people who stay prostrate begging and pleading for forgiveness, redemption and a chance to repent – we sure are picky about who we decide deserves another ‘chance’.

Exactly when was it decided that people can’t walk the fine line between brilliance and ignorance?  So what lil Wayne has ‘acted’ as if he has not the common sense God gave him, that does not mean that he is not capable of looking outside of his life and seeing things.  Hell with that many kids, he ought to be able to talk about all kinds of relationship things, lol  Are we mad cause it reeks of……Tupac, except he’s not fine enough for us to accept the duality?

I have said before that I had to learn how to love.  When I look back, we grew up in and learned all kinds of things but I can say for me, I did not learn the fundamentals of ‘How to Love’.   I learned how to embrace responsibility, I learned how to recite, I learned the role of a wife and mother, but I just didn’t get that love thing or how a man and woman did the dance of love.  Having my daughter was the catalyst for me learning how to love and  I can also now say, that I didn’t always get that right.

However, I have always understood the conceptual experience of Love.  I found it for the first time with Michael Jackson and that love has been a glowing heat in my chest for my whole life.  In my adulthood, I have not felt that I’ve been in love but once, especially when I look back.  I have been in like, I have been in obligation,  I have been in desperation, but what I understood to be the feeling associated with love once you strip away all of the bullshit, I have not….until now.  I also say that about the concept of How to Love.  I haven’t been in a full fledge day to day experience of the art of Loving another human (as in two adults) until now.

As we know, a whole lot of weight is placed on the inclusion of a Father in a child’s life and the consequences if they are not.  We don’t really speak about the fact that also very important to a child is the opportunity to learn HOW to love not just to EXPERIENCE love.  So though I had a Father in my life, I ultimately came out just as fucked up as a woman who didn’t when it comes to…LOVE.

So here I am with a girl child.  I decided to live my life, outside the scope of her sight, so she saw shadows and glimpses of How to Love, but to be quite honest, there wasn’t a lot of bonafide healthy situations that she could look at to start to form thoughts and opinions about how she would like to be loved one day, or love someone.  So imagine me in the dark of night on my knees, tears streaming thanking God for sending me someone at such a pivotal time in my child’s life that could show her (hell and me) How to Love.  Love is about speaking, listening, touching, helping, buffering, lifting, blocking, pulling, pushing, and even more.  It’s this other being that comes out of you, when your first inclination is to fight for self.  It actually is something that you have to see for yourself to believe it even really exists.  The purest form of it usually comes as a rainbow after despair.

I am most confident, that RG has put a strong visual in the Teenagers head, bringing all the movies, books, and vivid imagination of an impressionable teenager to light. I feel totally confident in letting her out in the world as a candidate to give and receive love.

For myself, falling and being in love with RG is like earning my Masters.  I had to earn my Bachelors the good old fashion way and I appreciate the fact that I had to first get my undergraduate work done, to even qualify for the Masters.   I am well on my way to my Ph D.  That kind of intense study and creation of a thesis is where I was trying to go.

 

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About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

One response to “Deeper Love

  1. Monica C. ⋅

    Bravo! I am still dealing with the fact that I had no model for love between a man and a woman. I had a model for, “Here, let me do that. Let me handle that,” but no model for co-parenting, no model for compromising, and most critically, no model for, “you-piss-me-off-sometimes-but-I-still-love-you.” My model was, “Negro, what? I’m out.” *sigh*

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