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Life is But…

So King Bey is back to take over her spot.  Afer watching her documentary, the one thing I identify with her with is the way she loves her man.  It can be difficult to feel that way as a woman and express it because of all the stigmas that can be in place among black women about loving your man.  You always seem to have to ‘pretend’ you dig him but you are not “head over loopy I wanna cry cause he made me” in love, lol.  To be that in love does not make you weak.

I’m going through one of my ‘annoyed at humans’ period, lol  They are not as bad as they used to be, lol

Usually, more than likely, I am aware of the power of punctuation so saying that, unless I end something with a question mark (?), or word it in such a way as to come across as a request, I’m not looking for answers or solutions, I am just being vocal. 

I miss my bonus daughter

Last night as I lay in bed, it crossed my mind that what makes this particular situation different is that there’s really no fighting for the relationship (not related to the blurb above).  It is frighteningly easy to just live life with no thought of them and a feeling that they can live life with no thought either. I have gone years with no real concrete thoughts or feelings about people and I’m sure they have done the same.  How I know this is not right is that there are people in my life where I can’t go 15 minutes without thoughts of them.  I got sad, but life goes on.  

I’m ok with the thought that my daughter might be married in the next few years.  I do know I’m probably going to have to get some others on board, at minimum, in understanding the process.

I’m mad that I have to give the entire Will Downing Musical library to one relationship, lol  I can’t even bring any of the songs to my present because they all bring up the same person and the same situation. Damn!  

That’s ok, we have KEM all to ourselves, lol

One of the main reasons why a lottery win would be so beautiful is actually not the financial let up, but the ability to take time to travel this entire planet that God gave us and experience it with my husband. Friends and family would join us on and off, but I would love and dream of first classing it all over the world with my man.

If I were to win, I would have a web series chronicling it.  I wouldn’t freak out and decide to go all ghost etc.  I would bring folks into it.

I miss MIchael Jackson

I’ve seen and felt the shade thrown at me about a number of things..don’t think I haven’t.

I’m a whiner, I know this, I acknowledge this and if something arises to give me reign to whine (like this tooth ache) I’m taking it and run with it, lol

Pop culture is important to me.  It always has been.  I take it somewhat seriously and enjoy digging and searching and sharing and surprisingly I have scooped some of the bigger blogs.  

I wish I could start my facebook page all over again..sigh

I was going to do this long drawn out explanation as to my love affair with the television, but then I really was like, who exactly do I owe this explanation to. I’m really not concerned with how or what folks feel about me and my television, lol lol  folks were starting to rent space in my head that could be filled with some good TV, lol

Fuck a whole bunch of people, places and things, lol lol

The gym is making me feel strong and helping me have deep breaths and walk longer and faster.  

I’m glad to be back reading socially.  It’s taken awhile, but I’m back.

I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin, with my own self and the things that make me happy. I am spending less time in my head going over stuff and more time just flowing.  I think I am doing a great job at changing my story and re-looking at stuff and lessening the stress in my life.  I feel I am in the doorway of self peace.

I am beginning to like the fact that I’m interesting to me and that’s pretty much all that matters. I have all these sparks of excitement riding side by side with doing absolutely NOTHING, lol It’s who I am – I am great at being medium.  That takes a lot of pressure off of me.  Now I’m sure the ‘life is more and perfect’ warriors will be in an uproar (lol) but I spend time with me, I know me and I journey as me and tapping into some of me has allowed me to be receptive to the good and the bad – stressing myself out all the time to be someone I’m not is over.  I’m just gonna be…ME.

On February 5th, I had a two hour conversation with someone.  After that conversation, I went over the rocky journey (this part of it) and came to the thought process that what I got from this bout of turmoil was an understanding of…compassion.  I have always admired my daughter for her compassion but I became aware of the emotion just recently.  Having compassion allowed me to get to the point to pick up the phone, in spite of, because as I learn about myself, I learn about others. I had time to take a seat and listen to the message.  I picked up that phone with a different idea and it will allow me to continue to pick up the phone on my terms for my reasons.  We’ve spoken through other mediums a few times.  I’ve always said and maintained that “I am not a savage or being disrespectful – I’m trying to be a stronger me, so that it can be about we”  I’m well on my way.

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About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

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