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Thinking in Browns

So, a death did happened and it didn’t give a jolt, I barely saw any electrical current..it didn’t make not one thing happen.  I’m almost glad I know that now, I will adjust my affairs accordingly.

This situation did confirm that there is just no three dimensional connection and I’m ok with that.  It’s better to live in this reality and be responsible for your own current than pretend there’s suppose to be this natural one running no matter what.  Nah there’s no truth in that.

Now that Facebook for the most part serves as a receptacle for recycled quotes, pseudo perfection, religious psychobabble, business advertisements and sly ‘words of wisdom’ that put others down – I am removing several layers of myself from the fray.  I’m going to keep it light, irrelevant and surface.

Speaking of..I am not necessarily sure as to why this influx of all these ‘words of wisdom’ day in and day out are pissing me the hell off, lol  I think because it provides such a screen.  I don’t have random folks on my page. The majority of  the folks I know personally or somewhat personally, so to have my page change from real interaction to this makes the space different.  It’s interesting how as a people we take pride in the survival, villiage concept but our mentality is just the way the slave master wanted it to be.  We stay thinking someone is using our lives against us, talking about us behind our back and trying to use what we got to get what they want.  So we hide behind this type of thing.  We stay paranoid.  Unfortunately, the sad part is that there are those folks whose full time job it is to try to destroy us.  I just can’t imagine that they win so often.

I am really looking more and more at the concept of who is actually invested in Pamela and who Pamela is truly invested in.  There takes a bit of  honesty on my part because I have struggled with admitting that I’m just not invested or I invest to much and am disappointed when the ROI is much lower than I expected. I understand that there are varying levels of investment and that everyone doesn’t and can’t be totally invested in you (that’s not fair) and it takes all kinds.  I think this is the way I’m taking stock and readjusting accordingly.  I’m pulling back when it comes to friends and opening new portals as well.  There are very few who are really invested in the light and dark Pam.  I also realize that I have probably worn some folks out, lol  I know  I have.  If I say something to you and you pull out all the light weight stuff and consistently leave the heavy stuff on the table – I’m hearing you and I will stop giving it to you to ignore.  It’s ok, I expect you to do the same.

It might seem that I’m in a dark place, but actually I feel more light than I’ve ever felt.  I have been faking this ulta-happiness for so long, because there was never any room for me to be dark. It was frowned upon from a little girl.  I think that might be one reason why the ‘signs’ piss me off as well.  IT’S NOT ALL HAPPY, IT WON’T ALL WORK, THE SUN DOES NOT ALWAYS SHINE!!  There’s a great balance to it all.  I am finding balance.  When I’m happy, I’m happy when I’m not..I’m not.  Sometimes they are not equal but the feeling of having feelings is great.

I’m reading a book, “Don’t Let Me Die In A Motel Six or One Woman’s Struggle Through The Great Depression”  It’s the story of a woman who went from living quite comfortably and somewhat recklessly to losing her job with the collapse of the housing market and basically being broke, somewhat homeless etc.  It’s told with a snarky wit that has made me laugh aloud and the story has come right on time seeing as I am pretty much feeling it from all ends financially.  She speaks what folks don’t want to hear.  She whines about being broke, she places blame, she wallows in self pity – she has become my new friend, lol  There was a part of her story where she’s living in a bad motel with her daughter and she’s thinking of how there’s just no ‘help.  She talks about how her family is all living their lives and how sad she is that they have no back up for each other. They were raised living pillar to post so there is nothing in place emotionally where if one is hurting or struggling there is a concerted effort to assist. She sees families where they have each others back and it makes her sad……I can relate.   This is a recommended book.

I really am sad that the situation went the way it did.  Though I never thought the motive was genuine, there was possibility until it was realized that there was none.  I couldn’t with good mind let it continue to disrupt and impact my circle of peace.  All kinds of lessons and teaching moments ultimately did come out of it – just for the person who wasn’t looking at the time.  So all in all it wasn’t a complete failure.

It’s funny, I’ve felt I was grown a long time, but 2012 was the year I became an adult and 2013 is when I’m about to add the great moniker GROWN ASS to the whole picture.

 

 

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About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

2 responses to “Thinking in Browns

  1. Monica C.

    Love this post!

    I DO think it’s about being *truly* grown. If you would have asked me when I was 25 whether I would be changing at 45, I would have said, “no way,” but the truth is, I am evolving as much (if not more) now as I did when I went from being 20 to 30.

  2. Stormeka

    Monica – I almost hate to acknowledge that these changes do happen. I”m even finding it hard to remember what exactly my agenda WAS back when I was 25, lol lol I need to find a journal for that time period and then blog about what I find out, lol

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