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F-A-I-L

Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.
Oprah Winfrey

In the wee hours of  the morning, I had a moment of GASP failure.  I say gasp because me admitting it (on facebook, no less) you would have thought I admitted to some major crime.  It started streaming in ‘you are not a failure’ ‘I’m glad you took that down because that wasn’t making you look..good”  I had to let that marinate because my first instinct in general (not necessarily at the people in question) was ‘I have a right to admit failure – it’s a part of the process”  what the hell is wrong these days with admitting (1) you failed and/or (2) you fucked up.

I remember when the thought process began to change.  When I was little there were no number 2’s.  Either you won or you loss.  There were no programs where everyone got a trophy because we are all ‘winners’.  It was common knowledge that you had to work hard because everyone didn’t win, so in order to be in the winner circle you had to (1) be diligent to get there and (2) know, understand and acknowledge what failure looks like so that you can have a comparison.

I am still of that school of thought.  Everyone is not going to make it.  There are levels of making it.  At certain points and times you are going to fail BIG TIME.  Acknowledging that could be a great stepping stone to getting some clarity and relooking at the situation.

Let me let you in on a little secret.  I have FAILED at a whole heap of shit!!  Some things at varying degrees and some things majorly.  I have failed TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY at the game of finances. There’s no pussy footing around that. You can ask all my creditors, my bank and my payroll office – I HAVE FAILED!!  I have failed at familial interpersonal relationships.  On a lesser level than what I would call major but it’s been one big pile of heaping failure.

When folks win, there’s this closing off of the circle of win you live in that space and that’s why it’s so devastating when that person loses.  The beauty of failure is that it’s opened ended, there is always a moment to reverse it and the feeling associated with that is almost always good. (except say a HIV status or a pregnancy result – you get my drift).

Part of the process (for me) as I strive to get to my authentic self is to stop acting as if all of this stuff and these things have happened by osmosis.  No, I have fucked up.  I have at some points and time put myself in situations that only by the grace of God I have come out of.  I am peeling apart the steel rods that I have placed in my back, that keep me stiff and hold me up and I am allowing my back to curve and sway and then rebuilding it with real strength and conviction.

So you know what – I have and will say it again.  I will look in the mirror at times in my life and say “Pam you have failed” it has a way of helping you clear the slate of the process that got you to that point and hopefully some type of clarity will surface and you ‘see’ a new way to do it.  That’s what actually happened, every path I had taken ended up at dead end.  I totally couldn’t see – that stuff was FAILING.  It was overpowering me and I had to say it to make it real so that I could then see again.  I got the clarity I needed and the answer to solve the problem, literally just came into focus.

Failure is not supposed to be this happy moment that our young people have been convinced it is.  you know, ‘oh ok I didn’t win, but it’s ok, Coach gives out a trophy to everyone”  or “Oh I failed, but my mom is going to get it all worked out for me”.  Nah it really doesn’t happen like that.

So though I appreciate the concern and I do believe that concern was real…it won’t be the last time I call myself a failure – I do know where I won’t do it anymore though, lol

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About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

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