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Unpacking a Mental Box

I haven’t had a conversation since May with her. That is nothing to be happy about in reality. It concerns me that (1) I ended up being treated status quo – but I needed to see what that felt like and (2) there is no feeling to save us all and (3) I get along quite fine without it. I knew I would, but the things you think you would miss, haven’t surfaced which lends to the initial feeling that it wasn’t there to begin with. Ilyana better be glad she doesn’t do personal counseling anymore.

I still think about laying on the couch in a more therapy as opposed to counseling kinda way. I might take that on in 2013.

Sometimes, I dig deeper than I want to and run into the sub set that goes a little to the left from my thought and admiration level. I’ve run into some of them again, I have learned though to just pick out what I need to give me life and keep it moving. Please believe though, there is a dark side, lol

Another Michael Moment: I have a ‘period’ of time where Michael was hot to me and then fleeting moments in the no so hot moments where he gives me fever. I don’t just post any ole kinda picture of the man because I love him. I try to keep him in the best light and how I want to remember and see him. I live in reality, yes I do, but there are just some era’s that don’t do it for me.

I am so mourning the loss of a super active social life. Damn!! this is why I’m glad I have photographed most of it because now all I have is my pictures. Damn!! It will be back though The MWC will rise again!!

I intend to NOT be in my house or maybe not even in this state for New Years Eve!!

I’m glad that I listened to myself and decided not to take that project on. I saw and heard some things that made me think otherwise and as they have been playing out, I am glad I listened to myself. We cool – – but from a distance.

I need to parlay something into another category. They have earned the right.

I was reading an article about “facebook envy’ and if you have ever had it? Not in the least. I have a pretty balanced page with the good, bad and ugly and thus I can see all the cool stuff I have in my life and don’t really worry about what other folks are doing. I know the folks who keep it sunny side up when I know they crawled up somewhere in a corner and I know the folks who are never happy (bout to remove one from my newsfeed) and the folks who’s joy I celebrate because they celebrate mine. No need to envy what they got going on, everyday I see something that makes my life…for me.

Someone asked RG do we ever argue and how can we be so happy together. Who said we were happy all the time? I remember on SATC the movie, Samantha said you don’t have to be happy everyday and asked how often were the other girls happy and Charlotte said ‘everyday’ not all day every day but every day and that’s how I feel. Several times a day, i am just happy in my relationship and it supercede’s anything that might make me unhappy. Now in terms of arguing – this is the truth, in six years we’ve never had a bonafide argument. I HAVE ARGUED but he hasn’t (that’s important to note,lol) We have debated a difference, but we just don’t argue like that or talk mean to each other or be angry at each other like that. Sometimes I wonder if that’s a good or bad thing, but we have stop points where we check in with each other and make sure we are not being passive/aggressive or what ever. We also kinda know one another and how we operate and are mindful of that. I’m sure he’s been too through with me (as I with him) but we just don’t make that an issue. We are evenly yoked in the nonsense as well as most of the good stuff so we can meet somewhere that doesn’t require that kind of emotion. I can say that the most we get is frustrated with each other.

I was thinking about roles and the way they work in a marriage recently. I was telling RG that it was my responsibility to do everything else for the most part as long as he was working at the level and length that he was. I was thinking about how you can define ‘roles’ but you have to be fluid enough to move in and out of them and even swap up to be successful. He can’t work two jobs from 5am-midnight some nights and come home and wash his clothes. yes when we were working equal times and arriving at home around the same time with like days off, he was a big help around the house etc. but that’s not necessary now. I have to step up and take the reins because I know if it were me, he would with no hesitation. He is the one who taught me about the concept of ‘equality’ in a relationship and that we didn’t define roles like that. He will do whatever I will do and I will do whatever he will do (as long as I’m capable strength wise etc.) Its’ been working for us – it doesn’t matter if I dont’ feel like it or hell he doesn’t feel like it – it all needs to be done and thus one of us has to do it and truthfully relationships are not 50/50 they are 100% but that can go all types of ways for all types of reasons. I’m glad we don’t have real issues with this and can be flux in what needs to be done for our family.

Sometimes I wonder in a town of hyper-cartoonish feminine women if my short haircut is taking away from mine. Yet I have never felt more womanly and sexy before.

I do kinda miss that ‘first three months’ sex…….

If I could just get one chance to prove I would do fine, be grateful, beneficent and giving with some lottery money….just one chance.

I am VERY happy in my house. I can’t wait to get it to where I want it visually.

For the first time ever really, I am formally displaying some of my Michael Jackson stuff in the Cabinet in the Living Room. I have some extra space and it would look great.

I’m not into white men (or any other man other than a black man) on a romantic basis, but I do keep a running list of a few that sometimes peak my interest. As I sat watching ‘Taken 2′ I had to move some things around. I have officially retired Sean Connery to the hall of white man fame and Liam Neeson is on the list. Brad Pitt is on the list as well, but he hasn’t moved me in awhile. I really don’t know others, lol lol lol If you have someone who I might know just don’t know their name -let me know. I do like to keep like 5 on the list, lol lol

I feel the need for a faux hawk wig.

I need to examine the definition of pride so I can speak on it intelligently cause someone needs some clarification on that.

Ilyana delved into black female relationships this past week on her show “Fix My Life’ and it gave me something to ponder on…friendships. I have some GREAT ones! I mean some good ones. I finally am in a space where I would go through something like that to save my core group. I never really knew women to ‘fight’ to save relationships like that, and now I know what that feel like. I have had pockets of folks come and go in my life. I have mistakenly called associates friends because I used to really think that all of us could be friends. I came into it naive and have had to learn. I have been a bitch in some female relationships and their current condition reflects that. However, as I stated, I am in a really good place concerning my ‘circle’ and it’s outer circles. I don’t come from a place in any female relationship where we have cussed each other out or become decidedly ugly with one another. I still only mourn one lost relationship and that’s with my Holderness St. best friend. I still miss her……

Watching “Steel Magnolias” put me in a space I’ve been going to in my head more often than I care to admit, that I’m entering or let me just say it, I am in the space where I very well could become a mother-in-law and Grandmother. the crazy part is I feel like I’m ready. I dream about that role sometimes and how glorious it’s gonna be and how excited I will be. I want her to get to a certain place in her life, but I feel like I did my base goal and that was to get her out of HS without those issues and that has been accomplished. I even have a ‘nick name’ for said grandbaby “ishkabobo Alhumdillah” LOL LOL LOL I want to be called Me-Maw the Fabulous.


About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

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