This DID NOT and I mean DID NOT go the way I would have liked it to go, nor the way it looked on paper. In fact, I am amazed I pulled this off to begin with, BUT she will be there. Some things will be slow coming, but yes it benefits that she is staying in State;
I thought I’d have separation anxiety, however, it hasn’t hit yet. I think that’s because I’ve gone months without seeing her before. I feel like, I will have a stronger reaction when she Graduates because by that time she will have morphed into an….adult.
What I have had is an overabundance of shock at the fact she’s even old enough to go. I keep seeing her as this little girl with a whole lotta hair and jet black eyes being sassy as a toddler, teetering around in her favorite pair of pink plastic slides, singing and dancing to me with her Barbie microphone. I keep seeing the one who I ultimately didn’t have to share – suddenly making her World Debutante Debut. Where did my baby go?
I spent some time in my closet. I went way to the back and there it was in plastic, preserved as some sort of Antique Fashion Show piece. The cloak of….Single Motherhood. I hadn’t tried that on in 5 ½ years. I wrapped it around my body and sat on the floor. It was a bit prickly, but it enveloped me like a good coat should. I sat there and thought about all the decisions I had made, all the sacrifices I had taken, all the lonely no man having nights (ok maybe that had nothing to do with being a single mom, lol) and I could do nothing but exhale. I had because of nuggets of wisdom of my youth, positioning myself in the right place at the right time, sometimes being slick, sometimes being harsh, sometimes being submissive, effectively took care of this baby mainly by myself. Yes folks have helped me. Family has helped me, but the bulk of it was on me. I sat on that floor and preened because I gave that girl a life!! Yes I did. She lived in a house with a yard and swing set in the back. She took dance, Tae Kwon Do, she played outside till the street lights came on. Her bike was Barbie with a basket, She had a complete Barbie room, she had Barbie dolls, Bratz Dolls, all kinds of damn dolls, she had a TV set to only show child friendly shows, she had new clothes and new school supplies every year, she did all four parks and Sea World In Orlando (before we met RG) two times, she traveled every summer since she was six years old, on a plane, alone. YES GAWD HONTEY I DID THAT! I RAISED THIS CHILD!
The whole “what are you about to do with the rest of your life” thing is here huh? I have a few things I’ve been thinking about, including I’ve applied for a job, I’ve made sure I will be getting my ‘meet ups’ so I can pick a few to go..well meet up, and I have been using my lap top more. I am looking forward to crafting again. I’d like to become more active with my HS Alumni stuff. This upcoming move is highly anticipated.
I am most looking forward to defining RG and my relationship in a new way. We started as “family”. I am looking forward (for however long) to just being RG and Pam – the couple. How exciting is that?! I tend to like to create memories with him as my husband, not to erase per say, but to make new memories as a wife to override the old ones. When we come up out of this financial cavern we are in; we will have some fantastic memories to make, fantastic.
I really thought I’d have all this stuff to write about, all this prolific knowledge, wisdom and understanding about raising kids to impart…um Nope. I really don’t have it like that. I could say start by naming your child something that speaks to how you want them viewed in the world. Calm and Tranquil/One Who Obtains Favors From Others/Most Intelligent. This has been such a saving grace, giving her the name that will get her the world and then teaching her how to be humble in order to receive it.
Finally, this morning there was a distinct silence of her puttering around the kitchen eating before the sun rises for the day. With two days left of Ramadan, if I had to choose anything that presents anxiety to me – it’s incorporating her beliefs and college life. Yes it can be done, but then again it might be difficult sometimes. There is sooo much she is about to learn, experience etc. and all of it might not be pleasant. That’s just how it goes in life. Most Hijabi are kept at home and don’t live on campus only the boys. So she’s already trailblazing. She has to remain covered in the presence of the male species so her walking around in the attire she walks around in here with for the most part, depending on how much traffic they end up having, might not have long periods of just relaxing – who the hell wants to be ‘on’ all the time? Then the room is not really conducive to prayer, but we are working that out with the lofting of her bed and basically making a space for her to pray under it. Otherwise, she’s gonna be fine. She’s who she is and she will learn being out here in the world how to be comfortable in her faith, how she ultimately would like to represent on an outwardly basis. She will be fine, even if sometimes I get frustrated. I guess the only advice I really gave her was “don’t let anyone define for you how you believe and how you practice” Out of all the peer pressure lurking – Religious Peer Pressure can be a beast. She will be alright. She will be alright.