I was watching “The Best Man” today and for some reason when they got to the wedding vows, I sat up and really listened. Thinking back over the story line, what struck out to me was the concept of “Faith”.
It’s no secret that I’m on the upswing from a very intense anxiety/depression episode. I never really spoke about how I climbed up out that hole. Basically, my husband made me look right into his eyes and he shook me and told me to…HAVE FAITH!! It was at that moment, that I forced myself to fling open my mental curtains and let the sunshine in.
For most of my life FEAR overshadowed FAITH. I keep trying to figure out exactly how I became so fearful. I tend to land first on the ironic street of I seem to have become a whole heap of what my parents supposedly didn’t want me to become: A scared, job working, no concise religion having, non afrocentric,..well you get my drift, lol lol lol
As I came out of my last funk, I made a promise to begin to work on my fear and maybe even define it’s origins etc. In the past couple of weeks, the curtains have attempted to close, but I didn’t let them! I just kept moving and I forced myself to have FAITH. I think the issue with Faith is that I can’t really connect it to any particular thing. The Islam I was raised under and the way I interpret it doesn’t allow much room for FAITH as defined in the Dictionary. I’ve said before that I don’t believe in a mystery God, therefore I can’t really push the FAITH button as if by some mysticism something is going to work. This makes me get in my head way to much because then I have to work it out and when I can’t – that leaves room for the curtains to close. I have discovered I’ve been misinterpreting how FAITH plays a role. It’s not all scientific and cut and dry. You gotta R-E-L-A-X and let FAITH have a chance to attach itself to all that is real and do what it do.
The second he told me to have FAITH and I exhaled, there was a shift and in that instance all that had piled up precariously evened out.
The other times that the curtains attempted to close, I pulled FAITH out my back pocket and propped them open.
A lot is going on in my world now and though I have a wonderful arena of spectators cheering me on, we are kinda in the ring alone. That’s where FAITH comes in. I am truly working on FAITH, having it, believing in it and allowing it to be a steady part of my life. I do know that it has helped me keep my mental curtains open, that alone makes it worthy of being in my life.