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I Gotta Have Faith

I was watching “The Best Man” today and for some reason when they got to the wedding vows, I sat up and really listened.  Thinking back over the story line, what struck out to me was the concept of “Faith”.

It’s no secret that I’m on the upswing from a very intense anxiety/depression episode.  I never really spoke about how I climbed up out that hole.  Basically, my husband made me look right into his eyes and he shook me and told me to…HAVE FAITH!! It was at that moment, that I forced myself to fling open my mental curtains and let the sunshine in.

For most of my life FEAR overshadowed FAITH.  I keep trying to figure out exactly how I became so fearful.  I tend to land first on the ironic street of I seem to have become a whole heap of what my parents supposedly didn’t want me to become:  A scared, job working, no concise religion having, non afrocentric,..well you get my drift, lol lol lol

As I came out of my last funk, I made a promise to begin to work on my fear and maybe even define it’s origins etc.  In the past couple of weeks, the curtains have attempted to close, but I didn’t let them!  I just kept moving and I forced myself to have FAITH. I think the issue with Faith is that I can’t really connect it to any particular thing.  The Islam I was raised under and the way I interpret it doesn’t allow much room for FAITH as defined in the Dictionary.  I’ve said before that I don’t believe in a mystery God, therefore I can’t really push the FAITH button as if by some mysticism something is going to work.  This makes me get in my head way to much because then I have to work it out and when I can’t – that leaves room for the curtains to close.  I have discovered I’ve been misinterpreting how FAITH plays a role.  It’s not all scientific and cut and dry.  You gotta R-E-L-A-X and let FAITH have a chance to attach itself to all that is real and do what it do.

The second he told me to have FAITH and I exhaled, there was a shift and in that instance all that had piled up precariously evened out.

The other times that the curtains attempted to close, I pulled FAITH out my back pocket and propped them open.

A lot is going on in my world now and though I have a wonderful arena of spectators cheering me on, we are kinda in the ring alone.  That’s where FAITH comes in.  I am truly working on FAITH, having it, believing in it and allowing it to be a steady part of my life.  I do know that it has helped me keep my mental curtains open, that alone makes it worthy of being in my life.

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About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

One response to “I Gotta Have Faith

  1. Monica C.

    You are going through a major transition in your life right now with Mini-Me going to college. It makes sense that you would be thrown on your heels a little bit. You have been forced to reexamine your own life as you begin this new chapter, and that can be intimidating. But Rg was right when he said to have faith. Sometimes you don’t need an intellectual understanding of what having faith means; all you need to know is that it means HOLD ON. And if you survive the storm, look up and know that you had faith and it worked. Faith is *blind* trust, it doesn’t give you a peek into it’s inner-workings. It *is* mysterious, it *is* complex – but I have seen it move and work in my life and I’ll never give it up. Trust that you are moving in the direction you need to be!

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