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I Wear My Sunglasses at Night

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” – Corrie Ten Boom

I woke up this morning and had to blink twice. I tried to move but found myself held down. It was as if the bed was on top of me. My entire body aches. This is what depression looks and feels like. I am moving into month FIVE of my life being glimmers of happiness surrounded by deep despair as opposed to the other way around. This has been one hell of a difficult year for a sista.

It’s as if, everything I’ve ever ‘thought’ I knew about coping and dealing has flown out the window. On one hand, I see all that I should be blessed for, but my ‘ego’ (thanks Oprah and Iyania) has put up a big ole speaker that drowns it all out with it’s continuous playing of bad, distracting music. Some kinda way, I’ve just lost my personal emotional footing.

I am tired of ME. Let me tell you, I have had to come to some really real discoveries about myself. The first one and I guess most significant one is that I am a person who carries anxiety, stress and worry like a damn Olympic flag!!! WHAT IN SIX LEVELS OF HELL?! During these last few months, I have had to acknowledge that I have probably WORN SOME FOLKS OUT and have NO IDEA exactly how I have maintained friends and lovers this long in my life!! For as many engaging, enchanting stories/life moments as I have shared, there has probably been an equally gruesome amount of me pulling folks down into the muck and mire of my struggle to stay balanced.

I’m trying to decide if I want to reenter therapy to address this, just ongoing issues with anxiety and stress. The thing about these afflictions is that you KNOW, I mean really you KNOW it shall pass, you even KNOW why you are going through it = there’s this crazy part of this DIS=EASE, it’s all there right in your face. It’s not the big voices – it’s the little voices. I have been dealing with ‘little voices’ for most of my life. I think I need to identify where this ‘voice’ birthed itself and what to do now that apparently after all these years, it’s grown up and has been acting out big time.

Are the things I’m dealing with real. HELL YES!! Will they work themselves out? Probably but I have got to not deal with them in the way I’m dealing because I see this as only getting worse and eventually it WILL begin to really affect my interpersonal relationships and my day to day life. It has already.

It also changes the hue of everything around me. I get annoyed with say social media and all that it entails and all of the supposed knowledge, wisdom and understanding. The reason I try to speak out and be somewhat transparent about this kind of stuff is because I go through the day and I only know three folks outside my immediate home that are forthcoming that their lives are NOT facebook perfect. Well mine is not either. I don’t feel any kinda way authentic if I have figured it all out, if my money is all right and if I just give advice and opinion. I sometimes enjoy folks who give the end lesson, but I truly admire folks who bring you in when it’s not perfect.

I also just stay annoyed at myself. I review all the obvious and vow to never let such and such happen again and I just can’t quiet my head down. The story attached to this has now officially gotten on my nerves. I do know that the only thing I can successfully pull from all of this is a better, deeper understanding and acknowledgement of who I am and who I have been and then seek direction on how to be someone else more productive in my own life. I’ve been considering myself a failure lately and that is a thought that has NEVER come to my mind previously and that shakes me a bit. It has also offered me a view into moving forward with my child. She has been indirectly affected big time by all of my stress and though I am a believer in your children seeing some ‘realness’ in their life, if I learn how to deal and come up out of it, then that’s what I want her to see and remember. She is a worrier and has anxiety already – I have ascertained this is something that comes from my side of the family. She would be the third generation female and I don’t want her adult life bogged down with this.

So I press on. I think I’ll attempt some self healing first with reading some books on the subject and then decide if I need to get back in the chair. I just want to stop the voice and flip my scenario back to where these are bumps in the road and now sink holes in my life anymore.


About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

One response to “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night

  1. Monica C.

    I struggle with anxiety, too. My mother does, too. Growing up, she would sometimes refer to her “nerves being bad.” She would just be perched on the edge of the bed, supposedly “getting ready” to go to bed. When I’d ask her why she wasn’t yet in the bed, she’d said, ‘Oh, I don’t know, my nerves are bad.” At 45, I now understand. Hell, I understood at 25. My anxiety mostly revolves around health issues – just repetitive, worrisome thoughts about death and dying. I recognize it when I get trapped in the cycle of what I refer to as STINKING THINKING (lol). It is the devil’s work. I always ask God to take me out of it. I envision it as a swirling whirlpool and God just plucks me right out.

    Anyway, a huge part is recognizing all of this for what it is, and you have done that! Keep marching onward (& upward)!

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