Everybody has to write out of rage sometimes – Amy Clampitt
Because I just am dammit!
Because my child knows something is wrong with me!
Because I know something is wrong with me!
Because I am letting it continue to run me!
Because I am broke!
Because I didn’t save for my child’s college!
Because my social life has taken a hit!
Because I live in another part of the Universe from my best friends!
Because I’m the Michael Jackson!
Because people have moved on with their lives and left 12 people with the carnage of their decisions!
Because nobody asked me!
Because out of everyone why mine gotta be the most fucked up!
Because I know how to stand and recite some bullshit about how round the earth is – but don’t know how to love the same folks I stood in line with!
Because it’s been strained, dysfunctional and fucked up for what? 35 damn years!
Because I will NEVER get away from this!
Because I used to think death would be the event and now I don’t!
Because I used to think what he did was…wrong!
Because there always have to be a choice!
Because I am punished by myself for wanting to nuture and save..myself!
Because my back is used to being walked on!
Because I tried so hard to ‘do the right thing’ – which is debatable!
Because I was promised a fucking family dammit!!
Because some of it is just never gonna be right!
Because I have spent most of my life dealing with this shit!
Because I will probably die still dealing with it!
Because I will never be free of it!
Because the view they have of me is crippling!
Because everyone assumes I can deal with it!
Because now the third generation is affected!
Because it’s so easy to say the past is the past!
Because I know that each of us deals with this and it hurts!
Because I see it exhibiting itself in me!
Because it affects my nuclear family!
Because I’m a fucking slave!
Because I have never really known who the fuck I am!
Because I have no voice!
Because I have dragged every friend I’ve ever had into this mess!
Because I don’t know how to begin to do anything else!
Because it has always sapped my happiness out of me!
Because it just seems so hopeless most of the time!
Because I can never repair my reputation!
Because I care what is thought about me!
Because if everything wasn’t built on a lie, maybe I could have told the truth and it wouldn’t have went down like that!
Because when the truth comes out – there will still be some bullshit!
Because I only halfway believe what I say to myself about myself!
Because I am in real pain still about this!
Because she looked me in the eye and the relationship is not there!
Because it’s done nothing for me to stay involved!
Because I am so weak!
Because there are those that have it all worked out!
Because the thought is that I’m being extra about this!
Because I’ve had to learn the hard way!
Because I’ve had to make fucked up decision about fucked up things!
Because I’ve taken to cussing like a sailor to express the rage!
Because my view to God is cloudy right now!
Because now you can’t wear a damn hoodie without fearing being shot!
Because the white man is a devil and folks still don’t believe!
Because my HS class fell apart and I’ve had to graduate finally!
Because facebook is starting to work my damn nerves!
Because I have diabetes and I want a damn coke!
Because I have wasted so much fucking time!
Because I feel educated by my paycheck says otherwise!
Because I can’t figure out how to balance this bullshit effectively!
Because even my therapist is shaking his head!
Because ultimately the buck stops at the top!
Because I didn’t win that lottery!
Because my list of wants is so much longer than the numbers in my bank account!
Because this new work schedule has fucked up my sex life!
Because all the shit I’ve stuffed in the life closet, eventually is gonna spill out!
Because my couch smells like ASS!
Because my child has had a nightmare that we were all physically fighting!
Because I have all this talent but FEAR keeps it on lockdown!
Because I STILL just want to know they really love me and am proud of me!
Because my pain is not acknowledged as real and relevant!
Because all of a sudden I see myself needing professional help on and off the rest of my life!
Because I should have NEVER stepped out my damn door!
Because I let others rent space in my mind!
Because I feel if I start crying for real, I will never stop!
Because he left us and it was his damn plan to being with!
Because I’m tired!
Because I’m afraid!