So like alot of us, we want to find some kindred spirit with…..Oprah. I looked over the comparison sheets closely and the thing that makes she and I sisters who will never part? We both have been every weight under the sun!!!!!!!! Yep don’t hate, lol lol Just let that marinate (in some butter if you got it like that). We all know Oprah’s issues and journey with the weight thing – but what about mines?
Olive Oyl is what I supposedly was called coming up (I don’t remember this at all). I was your typically sized girl. I didn’t develop early or quickly and I had a metabolism that made it easy for me to eat like your typical (for the time) young person and teenager. You know back then, you mostly ate at home and then ate home cooked meals. Because of our religious beliefs, we actually ate pretty good. Fresh veggies, home made breads and jams etc. Going out meant Morrison’s Cafeteria or Sizzler – you know places like that. When I got in High School I discovered the joys of JUNK, but it didn’t affect me in any kinda way – I could eat and keep it moving. One of my fondest memories from that time were the summers spent in Philadelphia, where we would have whopper eating contest. Me against my Brother. We would just eat those bad boys till we like to pass out, lol No weight gained.
I really don’t remember food being the focal point of family memories per say. I remember incidents that revolved around food, like when my daddy would cook steak and eggs (breakfast) and invite the neighborhood young men to the house to teach them, but holidays and everything else had normal amounts of food and no real gluttony. I had a healthy attitude about food and my body. I remember the first time I had (ahem) relations – I was way more enthralled with prancing around buck nekkid enjoying my now ‘womanly’ body than the act itself. That was wack, lol lol
I can, like with alot of things, pinpoint when stuff went to the left. I was in NYC and I was unhappy. I was lonely and felt like I had made a mistake so I very slowly started to pacify that with food. Food went from being something to keep you going to some great company. Then add on the fact that it was NYC and there were all kinds of deliciousness available and there you have it. I started to make friends and then I wanted to hang out to not come home, so that meant eating and hanging out. slowly I noticed I went from a 5-6 to a 7-8. The unfortunate thing about it all was that I basically unlocked the genetic pool that now has me struggling for the rest of my life. DAYUM!! So fast forward several years and now I’m…overweight. It wouldn’t have been so bad, if I had not then begin to be emotionally abused in the process – so now the self esteem I had was atrophied and in a vicious turn on a child hood game pain covers joy.
Funny story: I signed up for Jenny Craig – had all the stuff, was doing ok, week three I gained some weight, couldn’t figure out why – week 4 found out I was pregnant – they didn’t give me a refund, lol lol
Life intervened – I had a baby, (I only gained 18 pounds with her) I became a widow and then I grieved about a lot of things and the weight was just…..there. Since that time I have been all over the map. I’ve been small and I’ve been large. Like a lot of sisters, i was still attracting men – so I didn’t see it as a big deal. When I was lonely Food took center stage, when I wasn’t it didn’t.
Turning point: Being diagnosed with Diabetes. I had gestational.and like we all do, when it comes to the baby – we are ON POINT!! Well now I had type 2, which was triggered by the gestational and brought full bloom by me gaining more than I gained during pregnancy post pregnancy. The first couple of years were cool, I was all on top of it and subsequently my weight was somewhere in the great range. As my life blossomed down here and I began to make clear cut efforts to get my mental and emotional together – it all seemed to fall in place, yet I still went up and down.
I decided not to diet as I was prepping to get married – why put that facade on. I decided to surprise him by slimming after the fact – I felt that when you slim and blow up that’s false advertising, but doing it after the fact showed that you were committed to being around for the relationship and that being with that person spurred you to get even finer than when they met you. So I went on WW and lost 35 pounds. Yet while I was feeling good – I also was sabatoging myself by deciding that I was somehow going to be ostracized if I had…diabetes. What man wants a woman who one day might need him because she got one less leg or her kidneys are on the blink etc. etc. So I pretended and convinced myself that I could indulge and that I did. It’s really like the whole drug analogy. You start with something light and if that’s a trigger for you then you will be on crack in a year, lol that led to my full blown addiction to juice and soda (one I struggle with hourly – I might add).
So for five years I’ve kept the weight I initially lost off. I haven’t gained a pound. I know that some of it is because I have not taken care of my Diabetes 90% so I gain no weight. I still have feelings about the whole Diabetes thing and how it’s just jacked up my fucking life and I have to always carry that around with me and anything I do health wise has to take it into consideration as well. I would be somewhat comfortable with where I am now if it weren’t for the fact that I have this egg shape – which annoys me! skinny arms, legs, small head and then the egg!!!! I can be looking hot but the EGG – has me always with a..gut and we all know I am DEVASTATED that I am assless. WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!
There are some positives to me though that I love – the good bad and ugly. I love that my skin is exceptionally tight so stretch marks have not riddled my body in my yo-yo’ing. The Titays are giving me nice shelvage (lol), I have beautiful hands, I have penetrating wonderful brown eyes, I have a great nose, I don’t have a huge problem with break outs etc. my legs look good in skirts and dresses – so I have plenty of things to feel good about. The best of them all being my husband can’t keep his hands off of me!
Soo the new year rolled around. Like everybody else I needed to get it together, except nothing was motivating me until THIS…………(TO BE CONTINUED)