For the past month or so (maybe a bit longer) I have been having growing pains. I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what was causing me to look over some things internally, I feel like I have been searching though my closet and not finding anything to wear. I’ve had a whole heap of meaningful conversations with various people family and others and have just begun really thinking about ‘next steps’. Then it started to dawn on me. I am about to transform into yet another outfit of life and this one is a real fancy one indeed. It’s the one called PAM the WOMAN.
We put on all kinds of ‘outfits’ as we move about this world, some fit and some don’t, lol Yet we get dressed everyday in these various outfits and go about the business of living. For some of us one of the most prolific and memorable outfits is the one called “parent’ – no matter what age you start or how you acquire the uniform, it can be one of the most worn outfits we’ll ever wear. As time progresses, we begin to look in the closet to try on other stuff because you don’t need that whole thing on every single day.
As the days on the calendar roll by (kinda fast if I say so myself), some folks may believe that I’m fretting over the teenager moving to begin the rest of her life..NOT! That’s the way it’s suppose to go, lol I’m not mourning that, lol She technically is not dropping off of the face of the earth. This is the time to start to get those last minute lessons in and reinforce those that you have put in from the beginning. It’s time to also begin that subtle shift in the relationship so that you and your child can weather the storm of independence when it breezes through.
For me, having one child this does mark the end of the full time parent wardrobe. Now It will be transformed into some type of prominent accessory that I wear on a daily basis but it’s no longer the main piece you see. Which brings me to what I have been focusing on. A lot of times, we, especially women, walk around in a HUGE all encompassing parent outfit and have no idea what to do when it’s time to change up. Well I’ve always made sure that I wear other outfits because parent is a title it’s not who I am it’s a duty I perform. So now I look up and I realize that beginning September of 2012 – I’m going to have come full circle, in a manner of speaking and it’s going to be time to put on a very important outfit the one call ME!! The question becomes what’s that going to look like? It could be off the rack or like a lot of us it’s going to be need to be hand made to your specifications.
I guess that’s why I’ve really been in a cerebral mode lately. WHAT is ahead for me? HOW do I want to live this portion of my life? WHO do I want to live it with? DO I even know who Pam is? I don’t know what is ahead of me, but I have identified what is not, lol
I have been blessed with a life partner in every sense of the word, and back when I first got married, I said that I entered into this relationship for purely seflish reasons – I wanted to be with this man because he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, exploring, correcting past hurts and building new memories to last a life time. i wasn’t interested in sharing him with any additional children, jobs, people etc. etc. I wanted to wake up and if we wanted to hop in the car and go to Savannah for the day or Tennessee or New Orleans or the living room – I wanted to be free to do that in all aspects of the word. We want to live the life of those that eat out 4-5 days a week, hang out, get creative in our group space and revel in the blessing that comes from the social circles we hang in. A whole heap of my empty nest is nesting with this man!!
I look in the mirror and I see who I am and what I am comfortable with about me. I love the me I’m coming into. A lot of things I put up with in my previous wardrobe are not coming along with this one. This one is hand wash only so all the harsh chemicals and dyes won’t make it.
I’m not qualifying for anyone but myself moving forward. Whatever it is I end up doing, experiencing, pouring forth creatively will be on my own terms in my own way.
I intend to move in and out of the several circles of humans I interact with, at my own pace for my own reasons and what comes from it comes from it.
The best conclusion about this whole thing is that I need to come into this next portion of my life NAKED!! I need to be able to slip on various outfits and accessories at a moments notice because as PAM makes her grand entrance into the next phase of her life – she wants to embrace the whole big world out here – and the nice little one she’s created to her specifications with full frontal fabulous!
I am excited about this ’empty nest’ that is about to be put in front of me. I am excited about all it may hold. I am, however, prepared for however it turns out – because ultimately I have NOTHING to do with how it all pans out, lol lol lol