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How To Love

I couldn’t sleep so I decided to read some blogs.  I came across a post from one of my very favorite blogs VERY SMART BROTHERS (if you aren’t reading this blog, exactly what are you doing on the net?  LOL).  Usually these type of things don’t really move me, but this particular blog did, on a couple of levels.  You know what this mean?  This post might be all over the place, lol lol

First a few things:

  • Colored’s kill me more often than not!!  For a group of people who stay prostrate begging and pleading for forgiveness, redemption and a chance to repent – we sure are picky about who we decide deserves another ‘chance’.
  • Exactly when was it decided that people can’t walk the fine line between brilliance and ignorance?  So what lil Wayne has ‘acted’ as if he has not the common sense God gave him, that does not mean that he is not capable of looking outside of his life and seeing things.  Hell with that many kids, he ought to be able to talk about all kinds of relationship things, lol  Are we mad cause it reeks of……Tupac, except he’s not fine enough for us to accept the duality?

Ok, so now let’s get to the meat of this topic.  VSB’s conversation about the video and what it made them think about, made me think about some things only.


I have said before that I had to learn how to love.  When I look back, we grew up in and learned all kinds of things but I can say for me, I did not learn the fundamentals of ‘How to Love’.   I learned how to embrace responsibility, I learned how to recite, I learned the role of a wife and mother, but I just didn’t get that love thing or how a man and woman did the dance of love.  Having my daughter was the catalyst for me learning how to love and as she turns 18, I can also now say, that I didn’t always get that right.

However, I have always understood the conceptual experience of Love.  I found it for the first time with Michael Jackson and that love has been a glowing heat in my chest for my whole life.  In my adulthood, I have not felt that I’ve been in love, especially when I look back.  I have been in like, I have been in obligation,  I have been in desperation, but what I understood to be the feeling associated with love once you strip away all of the bullshit, I have not….until now.  I also say that about the concept of How to Love.  I haven’t been in a full fledge day to day experience of the art of Loving another human (as in two adults) until now.

As we know, a whole lot of weight is placed on the inclusion of a Father in a child’s life and the consequences if they are not.  We don’t really speak about the fact that also very important to a child is the opportunity to learn HOW to love not just to EXPERIENCE love.  So though I had a Father in my life, I ultimately came out just as fucked up as a woman who didn’t when it comes to…LOVE.

So here I am with a girl child.  I decided to live my life, outside the scope of her sight, so she saw shadows and glimpses of How to Love, but to be quite honest, there wasn’t a lot of bonafide healthy situations that she could look at to start to form thoughts and opinions about how she would like to be loved one day, or love someone.  So imagine me in the dark of night on my knees, tears streaming thanking God for sending me someone at such a pivotal time in my child’s life that could show her (hell and me) How to Love.  Love is about speaking, listening, touching, helping, buffering, lifting, blocking, pulling, pushing, and even more.  It’s this other being that comes out of you, when your first inclination is to fight for self.  It actually is something that you have to see for yourself to believe it even really exists.  The purest form of it usually comes as a rainbow after despair.

I am most confident, that RG has put a strong visual in the Teenagers head, bringing all the movies, books, and vivid imagination of an impressionable teenager to light. I feel totally confident in letting her out in the world as a candidate to give and receive love.

For myself, falling and being in love with RG is like earning my Masters.  I had to earn my Bachelors the good old fashion way and I appreciate the fact that I had to first get my undergraduate work done, to even qualify for the Masters.  As we approach five years together, I am well on my way to my Phd.  That kind of intense study and creation of a thesis is where I was trying to go.

I say all of this to say that maybe we need to rethink exactly what we are giving our children in terms of the concepts of love in addition to all the other things we have to give them as parents.  Look deep as we set examples, speak adult topics in front of our children, stress money as a cement for relationships, pass on generation to generation some of the well meaning but ultimately ignorant thought processes we (especially black women) tend to pass on to our daughters.

I feel some kinda way that I grew up in such a large family, with a Father as a center point, with mad admiration and love for that man and my mom and my bonus mom’s – but came out here into this world none the wiser on something sooo important as How to Love. How to love myself, how to love my family or How to love a man.  How does that happen?

So, VSB’s commentary, as it got away from the actual Lil Wayne video was quite thought provoking as well as the comments.  It leaves me with the question:  Do you know HOW TO LOVE? Is it a separate concept we need to study and practice?  Is it irregardless of having an ‘intact’ family unit?  If the concept of How to Love is to stick – isn’t it about just that and crushes thoughts about all ‘other’ kinds of family units, because isn’t it all about teaching our children to love?  Can installing this in the parenting manual maybe help these young people out here on You know you dead azz wrong at 13 with two three boys fornicating all over them and taking pictures?

What say you?


About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

One response to “How To Love

  1. leogoddess ⋅

    ok I was moved. I can relate. I have been questioning what I know about loving and and being in love and how I came to know it. I know I’m not the only one who look to you and RG for hope and inspiration. This post has me reeling with thought.

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