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Always Holding the Pocketbooks

I’m sure I’m not the only one who sometimes feels this way and it might even come across as strange considering I’m a happily married woman to a man who adore’s me and I’ve had other men in my lifetime seemingly be into me. This still does not take away the fact that, to me, I AM ALWAYS THE ONE HOLDING THE POCKETBOOKS!! I have never been able to figure out exactly why I don’t get flirted with or hit on. It’s something that crosses my mind and has crossed my mind many times over the years. It’s a hard topic to really verbalize because the first thing out folks mouths is that there is some sort of envy and jealously towards the women who do. That’s not the case at all, especially seeing that usually I’m with women who I love so why would I be hating on them. This is just about trying to figure out exactly why it rarely if ever happens to me.


This morning I asked RG about it seeing as women fall out at his feet all the time. (major side eye, lol) He just sat there staring blankly at me before he scooped me up and told me stop worrying about all the niggas that missed out on a good thing and the ones who won’t ever get it because I’m his. It’s not that I’m worried, but I am always curious as to why I can be looking (I guess in my opinion) good as all get out in a social atmosphere, somewhat getting my flirt on and Brothers just overlook me. I guess I feel like the Brother who has fallen into the friend category. It came to light recently and I thought I’d just blog about it this time. How you gonna skip all over me to compliment and flirt with everyone else? Damn I got boogers hanging out my nose or something? LOL LOL


Let’s back track a bit. I’m sure some of you who have followed the journey and many who are new, know that there was a period in my life prior to RG that spans almost a decade where I dated exclusively off line because I had convinced myself that was the only way to meet viable men because for some reason, I was just never the one to get approached in the usual spots that you are suppose to be able to meet men. It seemed and this I do believe, that my online persona and off line are pretty much seamless. I can relay the same emotion and feelings and personality both on and off line so I started what I like to term, backing into situations with men. I also just kinda accepted the fact that I just wasn’t ‘fine’ as determined by the international Negro Litmus Test of Fineness (which I am not fully aware of all the points, because it changes, but I will never make the list, this I know.) I’m cool with that because I have always felt like I fell into a better category I’m CUTE! Cute lasts a lifetime and it isn’t as time consuming as maintaining fine, lol lol Cute has room for weight gain and loss, bad hair days, minimal make up and a certain level of ‘realness’ that can elude fine. Nobody would dare say I am un attractive and I rebuke that and fuck you if that’s what you feeling bout me.


So anyhoo – in my dating trials and tribulations, I understand that I might have had to grow on some folks in my life time but I have also experience some affection and attention that has blown me away. Genuine like of this Sister here – BUT never as in someone approaching me at a club etc. I already know and have known for years that if I’m at a Negro Based Club, if I’m not dancing with girls, then I’m dancing with myself or I’m sitting….watching the table and sipping on the drink.


I keep trying to figure out if I have a certain ‘look’ or if there’s a cloud of funk or something above my head. Recently, I danced with this very attractive Brother and I was so close to pasing out!! I hadn’t been approached to dance in so long and then when he FLIRTED. Lawd have mercy! That Brother just doesn’t know – I will use that episode over and over again in my head to pump my ego. I also appreciate a class mate taking me on the floor to dance. I am forever grateful. But all of this happened THIS MONTH!! So now I’m examining deeply what did I do, what did I have on, what type of confidence was I sporting – Man I should have video taped me getting ready or something.


A whole heap of us were a Hot Ass Mess in High School. I probably was the president of that club. To compensate, I hung out with the guys and I guess set myself up for never being seen as any kinda girl the fellas wanted to get with. Fast forward and like a lot of folks (and stop lying you know part of the whole HS Alumni Situation is a ‘look at me now’ scenario) – I’s grown now and have been ready on and off for YEARS to mingle. A whole heap of my classmates have grown up into mega fine men – I’mma put it out there like that. Yet every function I go to – they IGNORE me. This past one someone even made a crack that I sure looked good… a baby. SMDH. That kinda hurt, and the snicker that came after it.


I don’t even want to hear that it’s because I’m married and he’s put his scent all over me (um that was one of RG wise sayings, lol) We’ve been together five years, what about the rest of my freaking life?! Besides he’s put me on a come up trail that a whole heap of negroes ought to be able to smell my scent. I’m bringing it (or at least I think so, lol).


Like I said, this is an intricate topic to try to speak on, because surely folks are like what exactly do you want? It’s not necessarily that I want but yea I do want to feel wanted or feel like I’m attractive to the opposite sex. Damn someone be in appropriate to me one time, lol lol I like to dance why do you just come ask my friends – like my man is Zelma or something? Nobody in HS wanted to get with me and can kinda flirt and tell me so – – DAYUM! Can a Sista at least feel the tension of the Blackman when it comes to her. Can I beat them off with a stick just once? Can I actually say “I’m married” cause quite honestly I haven’t really had to use that to get anyone off of me….yet.


Ok, Ok – I’mma stop whining cause there’s another side to this whole topic as well and I pretty much know I don’t want that and I don’t want the conversation that goes on because of it among Brothers happening about me. I guess it’s a Pam you might wanna sit cho ass down somewhere, (I hate those moments by the way, lol).


Yet this weekend I’mma see if anyone flirts…with me. I will bring a very small pocketbook in case one of my friends ends up holding instead of me. I wouldn’t want to burden her down, lol lol lol



About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

One response to “Always Holding the Pocketbooks

  1. NikkiFree ⋅

    Don’t let anything or anyone steal your joy. You have an inner glow abt you nowadays. Inner beauty radiates that outer beauty of yours. You’re a knockout. Hit the booty-shake club circuit. You’ll get all the men you wanna turn down. lol

    (BTW, RG put his”scent all over me” was hilarious!)

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