While I was working on the contact blog from yesterday, I had to go back in the memory folders to construct the time line. While I was digging around in the files, one fell out and spilled on the floor spilling it’s contents all throughout my cerebral cortex. I quickly scooped them up and shoved them back in place, but later on that evening, I started to think about the fact that me talking about my story might help someone.
The topic that rose to the top was one that unfortunately it seems, as a woman, we all have experienced and that’s relationship emotional abuse. I have been blessed to never have had hands laid on me and I have been guilty of using my tongue as a deadly, evil, vile weapon, but some of the most damage I’ve ever encountered as a grown woman has been due to the words and deeds of a man in a relationship.
I have encountered this twice in my life full force and then had some episodes here and there. I’m not quite sure which affected me the most because the first time it happen it was long term and it was harsh, yet I was in a place where, to me, it seemed to be the truth. You can’t tear someone down who is helping you. The second time it was more of a mind game type situation. It wasn’t about me being made to feel bad for myself or the way I look, or the anything like that, it was more about keeping me hanging on.
I don’t think a lot of folks know or those that know believe that I was a victim of ‘abuse’. The total disregard for the way I felt, the disrespect of my position in the relationship and the constant tearing down of my esteem took it’s toll on me in ways that took a long time to figure out. I have to sit here and chuckle as Katt Williams runs through my mind yelling at me that it’s called SELF ESTEEM BITCH who gonna take that from you?! Yet a person can make you doubt the esteem you have for yourself. If someone tells you, you are not good enough, or they don’t want to be seen with you, or that you are not fit to be on their arm. No matter how much you personally believe you’re all that, eventually you will start to doubt that. Once the doubt creeps in and then is backed up with living breathing examples of how this person feels towards you – you begin to subscribe to the same thing. It causes great conflict because when you are with folks who really love you, and they are looking at you like what’s wrong? where are you? what happened to? you feel like shit because you can’t believe you let someone talk you into thinking you were sub-par and not worthy.
I was told my whole life that I was the cat’s meow, niggas needed to bow down and be happy I even gave them the time of day. The foundation was solid that I was somebody special and then you get with someone who decides that you are not – it can be a big blow. Coming from the duality that I was raised in and then thrust into a situation where love, respect, honor was a hit and miss situation put me in a tail spin that took years to get through.
When that part of my life was finally over, I began the hard work of merging who I was suppose to be, based on if I had traveled the mental path I had started on and who I was at the time. That’s why anyone who knows me, hears me talk about how I have come back to being myself. It’s like I picked up the year say 1986 and merged it with the early 2000’s and sewed myself together, stuffing all that stuff in between deep in the recesses of my mind.
Then I met the first prolific person and began a relationship with them. Another sort of twisted period of my life began, the ‘when you gonna love me back for real?’ era. Everybody and their momma knows that these are the ‘mobetta’ years. One of the craziest relationships I’ve ever been involved in and one that will haunt me until the day I die. Not because I’m longing for anything, but because I really just don’t get how someone could play that level of game on someone and I will never forgive myself for only half believing it was game when I damn well know it was 100%. That man had me in the palm of his hand and felt free whenever he felt like it to dip my ass in the toilet, just for the fun of it, then take me out, dry me off and cuddle with me to make it all better. I lay at his feet soaking wet in toilet water awaiting the next time he would dip me. It turned out the dip was the love and the cuddling was the bullshit. How bout that?! How fucked up is THAT?!
I remember in another relationship – I had been working on my sexuality and I tried to do this little dance and he laughed and said I looked flicked. I didn’t flinch but inside it was like an acorn fell and planted itself and a little bitty tree grew sucking a bit of life out of me. Luckily for me I was about to walk into the lush, wonderful forest that would become my Oasis.
Now don’t get me wrong, as much as I hate to go there, your relationships do define you and sometimes your mate does as well. I’ve had some encounters and dealing with some brothers that totally made me feel special and wanted and those instances allowed me to heal and put away all kinds of demons that spent time playing cards and drinking beer on my soul. Say what you want to but we ALL want to be desirable and want that which we are attracted to showing and acting like they want us. There is nothing better than hugging your man and he has a hard on cause you do that to him. Some of his hard on’s during the day should be because you Y-O-U.
I have not been perfect in my life and I have done my share of dirt, etc. etc. and in looking back on where I am now as to where I have been at various times in my life, I can see how all these situations have molded and shaped me. How you deal with them and how you flip the script and make it all work for you is what’s important.
The world missed out, lol yea they did because when I had FINALLY burst up out the dirt meaner, leaner, stronger and more focused than ever on being the best Pam I could be – this brother like a ‘thief in the night’ swept up and took my little buds. He applied the right fertilizer, and instead of constantly weeding the hell out of me, he kept some to give me substance and look at this beautiful beaming flower he got. That’s why I can’t be friends with a lot of folks on Facebook, they see it, nothing irks a man more than seeing another man take some raw clay and make it into the most beautiful, while they sat around making ashtrays and shit. It’s why mobetta had the audacity to call me a fat ass and I just laughed cause that nigga damn well know I got some stories, lol
While I was picking up the files, I thought about how open and honest me and RG have been with one another. I though about how there is NO ABUSE of any kind in this relationship, I think about how really lucky I am that my daughter only caught bits and pieces of some of the past and can basically build her foundation based on what’s going on now. I thought about all the things that I did that didn’t fly in the past is wide open for flight to admiration and respect in this relationship. I thought about how I now have moved into a space where I pick and choose when I work on self because it’s not such a huge deal anymore.
What I can leave you with is that yea I was abused for over (combined) 13-15 years of my adult life starting at 18 by emotional abuse (and I won’t even throw in the familial parts of that adding that much more pressue – I’m speaking on relationships this time around). YET it is never to late to CLAIM YOURSELF AS VALUABLE and though our relationships add layers don’t let them define you. There is a positive note to the whole FUCK YOU I’M ME attitude. No, no one has to accept you being an ass, abusive, negative, or straight crazy in their lives but also don’t have the right to decide they are going to take your soul from you.
Katt was right it is SELF ESTEEM. Work constantly on making sure that you love you, it’s real hard for someone to take that when it’s solid within yourself. As I am wha….16 days from turning 45 I see so much brightness, so much life, so much light, so much joy, so much love from all kinds of places and people and things – at minimum I get pissed at myself for allowing all that other stuff to get in, but you know what, maybe by now I would have worn myself out, so I’m glad it happen when I was young cause BABEEEEE I SEE NOTHING BUT HOTNESS in my future!!!
Ahh that felt good to talk about that!! What Say You?!