I was watching the show last evening and the topic was about the ‘Ghosts’ of our past and how to either live with them or confront them, exercise them and move on with your life. Of course this was in reference to our past loves. This coupled with some ‘guidance’ I’ve been giving a friend of mine on this subject cause me to have a sort of Seance myself, lol
One of the things I never could really wrap my mind around is why when we break up it has to be so final. If you got with someone for something other than the sex – why does that friendship have to go away because you don’t work in a relationship capacity? I still have a bit of sorrow that several good male friends I’ve dealt with in my life are no more and even more sadness that it usually is blocked by their new loves. Do I understand? Yes – Do I like it? No. the few I actually had on facebook (except for two) have all not only unfriended me but blocked me, lol lol I’m sure some woman was standing that while that took place, lol In order to work it all out mentally – I have decided that regret is a powerful emotion and a whole bunch of folks stood in their shower at some point and sang congratulations while beating off to my fabulousness. Yea that’s it!
So as I sat on the best place to have said Seance – the train, I realized that I needed some additional mumbo jumbo to bring up a lot. That felt good because that means that my relationship Ghosts have for the most part crossed over (lol). The other thing that I realized was that I had carefully sifted through the muck and come out with some really great memories of some good times with some good brothers. I am pretty consistent on once I get to the other side of the relationship, I can begin to look past the flaws and capture like a great scrap book page the stuff that made me smile or the stuff that is stored in the back shelves of my mind as life experiences that shaped me. I sure wish I could do that with other situations and people in my life. Seemingly only Ex relationship partners get this special skill, lol lol
One thing that I find that seems to never really go away when it comes to the Ghosts of Relationships past is the music of the time. There can be a song come on and it will just immediately take you to that person and that place. A few that totally come to my mind is “Sparkle” By Cameo always takes me back to KL from High School and the entire Will Downing Catalogue belongs to Mobetta, He can just have that, lol It’s not that they come to mind when I listen to the music but they do, if you get what I’m saying.
Keeping in line with the SATC moment, Mobetta without a doubt would be my Mr. Big. It would seem that my whole life is wrapped around and up in that relationship, no it was just the most prominent but tucked in and out of the fabric of my life are some quite colorful threads with some quite colorful beads, glitter and other accessories decorating it all up.
I always give a special shout out to the thread that showed up in my Philly portion of the cloth. He was the first ‘post widowhood’ adventure and remained a friend for many years. I can still smell the cheese steaks, lol lol
For instance, I have whined maybe once or twice about the fact that I missed out on an opportunity to get me a BTW man in some kinda decadent position ROTFL. The truth of the matter is that I have had me a BTW man and Lord have mercy did I have him <wicked wicked laugh> a Great Royal Blue Thread. NO I’m not telling, (and I’m sure I’ll be getting some Inbox message on FB about this one) but that my friends was some good time. He was a gentlemen and he was what I needed when I needed him and remains one of the top conversationalist I’ve ever known.
Then there was that thread I met at the airport. By the time we had made it to the boarding counter, we had exchanged phone numbers, but the time he had made it back to Atlanta it wa son and poppin, lol I got my first Atlanta Speeding Ticket out of that fling and it does count as my first official grown woman fling. A Christmas Fling – how nice, lol lol
I have even been proposed to once before the one I accepted. He was a cool brother, a nice thread, but I wasn’t feeling that the way I should have and I actually thought he was joking. I was standing on a rise at a dress shop trying on class reunion dresses and I assumed he had become overcome with my beauty (ROTLF) and proposed. I laughed it off and eventually that move ended up speeding us up towards a break up. Funny I didn’t even think it was real.
Just picking at some threads as I hold this here seance. All kinds of things are floating around, blowing out candles, I hear strains of Minnie Rippleton “Back Down Memory Lane”. Suddenly thing turn a bit dark and like Minnie says I feel the happiness and I feel the pain. Yea some (maybe a lot) of it circles around my head like annoying bee’s reminding me of my own issues. I reflect on how much I’ve grown and I reflect on some things I’ve slipped up on in my relationship now.
Speaking of, the man I married is also floating around here. I am finding it comforting to know that his presence is STRONG, RELEVANT and REAL as I experience this seance. None of these memories are making me long or pine for what was. I know it’s only a mirage and what I have is not. Our memories have taken over every crevice of my here and now and when I close my eyes on a regular day =, it’s him I think about. It’s him I want in my life and in my bed. My fantasy conquests now only include the unattainable like the Rock and Tyrese (well only because I haven’t tried, I never say I can’t get a man, lol)
We have had conversation about our Ex’s both serious and not. I’ve even shared passages of journals with him in our exploration of each other. He has some kinda elephant mind so he’s always bringing up stuff and can verbatim (based on his skewed selective memory) recite our entire relationship. All the little stuff that have us where we are today. Stuff I turn bright red at but he relishes in bringing up at the most inopportune time.
This has been fun but it’s time for me to fling open the blinds. Let the sunshine in, revel in THIS day that God has made and allowed me to be present in. It’ alright to sometimes, dig in that file cabinet of the mind and go over all the things that have shaped your life. It’s especially good to revisit past loves, flings and what not. All of these things make you who you are. As a woman sometimes, we are made to feel like we have to keep these things hidden, yet if it wasn’t for these things we wouldn’t be who we are. If your seance is full of darkness, pain and suffering, then you need to start flipping your tarot cards to try to figure out why and how can you exercise those demons in order to be receptive to the love and fulfillment you want in your life.
Though all of our lives have taken a different path and we all are off somewhere doing what it is we do, I am and will never be ashamed of my relationship journey, who I’ve met and what it’s taught me HOWEVER, as I slide a piece of damp kinky curl out of my face I can honestly say on this day:
THIS HOUSE IS CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!