Actually feelings for me are a lot more!! In my growing up days, I came to the conclusion (whether right or wrong) that feelings were something that were not really acknowledged. It really didn’t matter that I had feelings or an emotional reaction to: my father taking on extra family, my family period, my 1st husband cheating on me, you know things that you have feelings about. I couldn’t express them and they were chastised if you did. I remember being reprimanded and told how to act at my daddy’s funeral, at my late husband’s funeral etc. There was always this ‘suck it up’ type atmosphere and so that’s what you did. I internalized soo much. Since I didn’t count or have any say so in life – I just shut down when it came to feelings. That didn’t mean that I didn’t have them, it just meant it was fruitless to try to express them. This led to some dysfunction with myself that comes and goes to this day.
When something is denied you, especially when you are a minor, a huge part of your adulthood is used to show and prove you can do, experience what ever it is that you feel you were deprived of. I truly believe that in my lifetime I have done some physical damage to myself by ‘holding it in’ Not being able to emote. Not feeling as if the way I felt counted. When I look back over writings and journal entries from the past – soo much of my time was spent emoting on paper. All the break throughs I’ve had in my life that have moved me forward emotionally have happen because I have emoted.
I worked on and am making progress and slowly lettiing go of the direction of my emoting. I have ‘unloaded’ soo much on other people. I feel like I owe a group apology to the folks who have had to hear me for years – get it off my chest. I have and am learning that you can own your feelings both good and bad and not have to throw them away to make them stick. STICK UP FOR YOUR RIGHT TO FEEL A CERTAIN KINDA WAY!!
I’ve had to rediscover, learn and force myself to become a deeper person and a dimensional person. I had to learn how to touch, learn how to love, learn how to cry and learn how to handle feelings. It’s always a work in progress and some times are better than others.
If I look back over my relationships, especially with men. I am kinda glad that I didn’t chose a destructive way to figure this stuff out. You know that whole man/woman thing can take an ugly turn when you are trying to work on these types of things. I do know that there were situations where I should have FELT it was time to end it, but I just check out in hopes that it will end itself. I can check out of a situation mentally and physically. Sometimes outside of one person – I wonder have I really ever checked in emotionally and sexually with any of them. Truth of the matter is I have ‘faked’ my way through many a scenario.
What makes me mad about all of this is that I have had to spend so much time healing, growing, learning and being self absorbed that all kinds of life suffered. Ultimately the life and emotional health of my child, relationships, planning sanely for my future etc. The fact that I am now in a place where I can successfully balance out my issues with living in the here and now has come at a great cost to me and a whole heap of folks. I have admitted based on my inner feelings that for over 15 to 19 years of my life I have been functionally clinically depressed. I know it now and I know when it hits. I can remember whole months that I’ve spent in my bed in my life. Just unable to function at 100% I can fall into that now, but I know about it now and so I know to get my ass up and get moving mentally and emotionally.
I can identify three personal emotional tsunami’s. The birth of my child, My relationship with Mobetta (sigh) and falling and being in love with my husband. The range of emotions and feelings these events have produced has pushed me forward in huge ways. Irregardless of if the feelings involved have been good or bad these events have helped me evolve. I am grateful for that. My relationship with my husband coupled with I guess personal work and just being of a certain age – has connected me wayy more to my sexuality outwards. I’ve always been sexual but some times it has been hard to connect it with someone.
I wanted to tap into this journey through feelings because I am very protective of mine. I become enraged when I am not allowed to emote. I become enraged at myself when I allow folks to stifle my emoting and feeling. I know when to cut them off and cut them on, but if you are lucky enough to know the side of me that is emotional – don’t decide to try to control that in me. It wont’ work.
Some stuff happen a couple of days ago that really set me on edge. I was feeling, I don’t owe anyone an explanation about the way I feel. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone including me, feelings happen. I can have them. They belong to me. I am a feeling and emotional person.