One of the most anchoring images that shaped my visual of a man is that my Father never and let me repeat that NEVER worked for another man. Even if we had 3 pieces of rice, a tic tac and spit for dinner, that wasn’t his journey in life working for another man in a 9-5 capacity. That has shaped so much of how I evaluate and view the qualities I look for in a man. A lot of folks know this but this also bears staying, I have never and let me repeat that as well, NEVER been impressed by no negroes J-O-B. I am happy for you, I am glad you are able to feed yourself and your family – but don’t expect me to be jumping up and down cause you got a Job, that’s just not my style.
Several folks know that my husband has been a victim of the economy and is no longer employed. I appreciate all the kind words and the folks that really care about our family. I also do appreciate those (whether you know it or not) that feel some kinda need to decide that our family is doomed or giving us the ‘can’t wait to see them get evicted’ side eye – ya’ll keep me on my toes. It does annoy me as well. There have been some instances where folks have decided to address this topic with my teenager. I am like so available it makes no sense, so I’m not real sure why, if there are questions, they are not directed at an adult that lives in our house. I’ve even heard that there is an assumption that I might even leave my husband because he doesn’t have a job and here’s the kicker – HE’S NOT LOOKING FOR ONE!!
Yea you read that right – he’s not looking for one and I’m currently perfectly fine with that. **wallslide**
When I met him, I scrolled through all the things that I might want from a mate and yes being gainfully employed was on the list. I have been through ‘taking care of a man” and that’s not something that I wished to repeat ESPECIALLY if that man was not giving me anything to make me feel good about said taking care of. I fell in love and married the man I am with because he dug into the second tier list like no other man has even had the interest to. You know we have that top list that mirrors pretty much every other woman – that list is pre-written and we are all under pressure to make sure we have that list to pull out, THEN there is our ‘other’ second tier list, the one where you want him to want to watch the five heartbeats with you, you want him to enjoy New Edition, you want him to like to dress up like warrior etc. etc. That list that really turns you on mentally, spiritually and intellectually. This is the man who did that for me and this is the reason why I married him.
Another reason why despite me having some really fab Brothers in my life (because outside of maybe a few, most of the Brothers I’ve dealt with are really cool solid black men in their way. They might not have ultimately been for me and I might sometimes call them niggas (lol) but overall I won’t bash em – we both stirred the pot to make that stew boil over, lol . Where was I? OH, lol one of the other reasons that my husband made my toes curl was because he had that something that lived outside the norm,, outside the fields, outside the ‘what folks think you are suppose to be doing’. He had the glint of, dare I say it and I’ve mentioned it before FREEDOM in his eyes. That was highly highly a desirable trait. He also was a hustler, a believer and an owner of his life. I fell in love with this man – not the one who went to work, had folks talk to him all kinds of crazy, wear down his back and knees, then think everybody suppose to be all happy cause he got a name tag, a desk, a computer and can attend the office Christmas party.
His name on line when we met was XcorpthugX That right there could have probably gotten him the drawers, but I digress, lol lol lol
I say all this to say and let me be very plain about this:
JUST BECAUSE A MAN DOESN’T HAVE A JOB DOESN’T MEAN HE IS NOT WORKING!!!
One of the main things taken away from the Blackman during his continued servitude in this country is the ability to be in charge of how he wants to take care of his family. Some men are perfectly fine with and do a good job at this task by working in the traditional manner at a job. They do well, they feel good and I am very proud of that Black man who consistently does that. There are some men, however, who ache and wish to be free of that conformity and want to dig inside of their head and bring an idea to life. Nothing wrong with these Brothers either. I am a believer that all men should have an opportunity if it can be worked out to pursue that. If a man and a woman have discussed and come to an agreement on the terms of this – then it’s nobody’s business what’s happening in that house unless they invite you in.
My husband works everyday 7 days a week, getting his grind on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t – but he hasn’t given up and he’s taking this opportunity and working it to the max. Sometimes it won’t work and that’s when being a man kicks in. I’m sure my man is fully aware of his responsibilities to this family and when to fold em, if the tough gets really tough.
He takes EXCELLENT care of us in all the ways I evaluate what it means to take care of me, the teenager and the bonus daughter. He also takes care of my friends and my Mother. Things are getting real out here and like life, none of that which we hold in high esteem is not a given and we may all have to start re-evaluating what is important to us, how we are going to survive and the roles that we all play (including the children) in making that happen. There are several of us women out here who are married to the type of man I’m married to and there is a kindred spirit around playing our position so that man can see if He can do it. It can be frustrating at times but it may just pay off ten-fold. There is never a right time for the following things: Having a Baby, getting jacked up by bill collectors or the Government and stepping out of your box into this great big world to see if you can make a dent. Some things you just have to do.
Though I don’t owe anyone any kind of explanation as to what’s happening up in my home, I did want to speak on a dynamic that maybe someone can take something away from and let folks know that I am in support of this, WE will know and talk about if the current arrangement needs to change, you wanna help me – SUPPORT HIM, come out to some of our functions. Don’t assume just because we aren’t doing what you and yours hold important we aren’t doing what WE hold important. I am a pretty open person, I will tell folks usually when shit is hitting the fan and I’m not to proud to ask for some help. Please stop asking my child about what is happening in my home with the adults and let’s ALL continue to uplift and support each other – in a minute we might all be living under the same roof, lol lol lol