I wasn’t sure I would be blogging to end the year. It seemed so cliché’ and I decided like in October that I would be doing a lot of HELL YEA I”MMA DO XYZ in 2011. In an effort to be true to myself, I really need to just live in the moment – then December 1st hit and my world was just turned upside down.
I’m not sure exactly what tipped it off, but for the first time, I can honestly say ever – I just sank into a depression unlike I’ve ever had. I just got taken over by my feelings about things. I’ve spoken before about being that person who was not good as expressing myself because I don’t like to argue and fight and I close up when attacked. Over the years I’ve gotten better. Especially since you can’t start none without having none.
Overall though the thing that has taken it’s most toll on me is dealing with my family. It’s been a LONG HARD year dealing with these niggas. Really! I have all kinds of family, but let’s just focus on the specific unit that I have biological ties to. They have rung me O-U-T and I really have to make some decisions about how to handle this because quite frankly:
I DON’T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE!!
For someone who in all actuality don’t even deal with my siblings they have remained fucking up my world because of the connection with us having the same Mother. For 365 damn days (give or take a few) I have had to listen to, mediate, mull over, deal with from afar so much damn drama!!!!!!!!! And it has continued up to the day before yesterday – at a level that I haven’t been able to totally block it out. It seeped in and just washed over my life like a toilet overflowing.
I’M SO SICK OF THOSE NIGGAS! I hope and pray they are sick of me so at least we will be even. Why have I been assigned to this fucking family!? Somebody tell me. I see families all the time and they fight LOVE, argue LOVE, take vacations LOVE, have holidays together LOVE – NOT IN MY NECK OF THE WOODS!! I am so mad that I have had to spend almost my ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE, trying to comprehend, work with and understand what is going on!! What a waste of valuable time!! I’m tired of trying to be in this family!!
Whatever I have had in my mind as to how I would like it to be is gone. I can now totally see why folks just check out. I really can. EXCEPT that’s not me – I don’t really know how to check out so I need to learn quickly how to deal!!
I realized that what I need to work on is my RESPONSE to them and their antics. That’s what’s affecting me. I go into this everytime thinking that there is acknowledgement of how they affect others but that’s not true. Cause if it were, a person wouldn’t just consistently keep up this level of drama. So this is the perfect time to revamp MY RESPONSE. It’s not even at this point about changing them – they are who they are, what I need to realize is that I am who I am and allowing them to constantly and consistently tip over my apple cart is making me not true to myself!!
None of this blog post will contain the usual “I’m not perfect” FUCK THAT! Whatever it is I’m doing I’m doing it and it works for me. I need to take that same attitude about them – apparently what they are doing works for them and just like I remove myself from situations that I am uncomfortable in – FAMILY is no exception. 2011 I’m CUTTING IT WAYYYY DOWN! No not gonna do it.
Truthfully the siblings are easy – I’m not dealing with them like that anyway and in 2011 will be even less. I’m putting my foot down all the way around.
Now the parental side of this probably will be a bit difficult and this is where OPENING MY MOUTH will come into play. No need to have an attitude just say “I’m not interested” the 24 hour drama I’m not doing it anymore. I gotta live MY LIFE.
I gotta stop ingesting it, promoting it, backhandly enjoying it cause it’s the only way we know how to bond, stop being scared of being cast out in the worst (when in actuality it’s the best part). It is what it is. All the negativity, ancient ways of thinking and doing things, it’s my way or the highway, taking sides, being made to feel obligated – its’ all about to change dammit!!
How can I be doing big things, feeling big ways, developing great relationships and in secret am 1 step from falling apart over FAMILY – GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!
I will be 45 years fabulous next year. Not gonna do it!! Not gonna do it!!
So this is my last rant about these niggas – cause it’s either piss or get off the pot time for Pamela. I’m not doing this anymore.