Well Well Well it’s December 2nd. In my mind I checked in yesterday, but in reality all I checked into is my bed, lol lol So looky here, we have TWENTY NINE more days left of 2010. I was thinking about what type of December I would like to have. Whether it would be full of reflection and all these deep thoughts about things I should have changed etc. or just a review of what a totally fabulous year this has been and I decided that there was only one thing I really needed to do this month and that’s STAY ALIVE!!
Up under this fabulousness and what not I have been hiding a dirty little secret and that is I have NOT been taking care of myself as I should. At some point I’ve said this before and then wrote it off but I couldn’t get to it until I could get to it and now I’m at it. (that sounded crazy, lol) Right this second I’m sitting here drinking my second cup of Detox Tea. First though let me back up.
I have an addiction. It calls me in my sleep and just makes life very hard for me. I am addicted to SODA and JUICE. Just roll out the ‘typical’ negro carpet and let me walk down it waving at folks. It is just so hard to not want these things. I binge on them at times (well whenever I open that pandora’s box) and there’s no turning back It totally wrecks my sugars and has placed me where I am today. I REALLY gotta give up that narcotic. Now I know there are alternatives – diet soda is like Methadone, okay it’s from the good stuff but it AIN’T the good stuff. Dayum the South and the Coka A Cola industry to HELL!! I should be able to do things in moderation and for the most part I do – but that damn soda. Do you understand how good and tingly rootbeer tastes filling up your mouth. Or a good cold glass of Apple Juice. I hid it like a person with an addiction. I use a little cup so no one can see I’m drinking it – then I’ll drink 4 cups (SIGH). I mix in diet stuff among the bottles so that it looks like there are things for me and then mainstream things and then I’ll ‘sip’ off the mainstream things.
Well it’s time for me to stop and I’m weird where I need triggers for some things. It took a trigger for me to go back to school (though that bitch seems to have misfired), it took a trigger for me to pull together that manuscript (more on that later), and it has taken a trigger for me to finally stop acting like an ass and accept my circumstances and get it together and this particular trigger is that January 1, 2011 marks the beginning of my 45th year. I will be 45 years old next June and like I set goals for my 40th bday – this is the one I’ve set for this one. I would (1) like to LIVE uncomplicated to see my birthday and (2) I’d like to LIVE uncomplicated to see my birthday. I can’t keep acting like I don’t have diabetes and be all reckless – it IS going to catch up to me. Right now nothing severe is wrong unless you count the fact I can’t drop a FEATHER on my feet or you might as well drop an anvil out a 3rd story window. EVERYTHING feels like that on my toes.
I’ve put in place several things to assist me in getting back on track and the main one is I don’t need a peanut gallery. I love my husband to death and more death – but I am immature about some things (still) and monitoring me and constantly talking about it is one of those things I’m immature about. I know I know – everyone wants the best for me – but I have to want the best for myself I can’t keep making excuses. I know in the beginning I was on one – I was focused and taking good care of myself and eating/drinking properly etc. etc. Then I started faking the funk when I met my Husband. Then I got back on it for awhile and then I started faking the funk again as my life basically took off. I really believe that some folks do better with certain things when they don’t have anything else popping going on. That is me. I look at my mom she’s OBSESSED and spends Ik now 22 of 24 hours talking, reading, monitoring, checking her diabetes. Her diet gives me the gags and it just seems like that’s not enjoying life. I want to LIVE and HAVE this. She definitely will be so far up my ass – God I don’t feel like it!!!!!!
So I’m having to go cold turkey. So that I can get back on track. All meds are up and running (anyone that has ever taken metformin knows that it punishes you horribly for your indiscretions) I almost look forward for it to kick in so I can lay on the bathroom floor curled up in a knot repenting. That Narcotic has been CUT OFF!! For the next two weeks only Detox Tea/Green Tea and water. (Surprisingly I always take my tea with 1 sweet and low and 1 equal – I enjoy my iced tea). I also have had to cut out alot and I mean alot of starches. The only ones I’m keeping in the mix are corn and wheat bread.
I have called the Diabetes Association and got some help in picking out a Doctor who specializes in Diabetes and knows the right test and will hold me accountable. I’ve been through several Doctors – this last one asked me what did I want to take and do and didn’t even test my A1C etc. He’s hella cool – but um NO.
So seeing as this month is Ramadan (for me) and I’m not eating any meat and trying to better myself overall – this is a perfect time to flow into 2011 doing the right thing. At the first of the year I’ll be going to several Doctors to get all kinds of tests done to make further sure I haven’t messed up for real.
Folks, this is hard. I feel so punished that I can’t drink, eat and just do what I want. I usually can be disciplined but once I fell off the general wagon I have such a hard time getting back on. In my right mind I KNOW I’m not missing anything or being looked at different etc. etc. but something is trippin me up and I can’t put my finger on it. Yet I better put my finger on it before I don’t have any fingers to put on it.
I kinda joke and I’m kinda real. I don’t want to mess my kidneys up! I don’t want my eyesight to get worse! I don’t want to have to put away my heels for real! I’m looking all thin and fine and what not but some of that is because my diabetes is out of control. I can’t explain it to you all and I know some folks are giving me the serious side eye as you should – but I gotta work this out.
So I just wanted to announce that Pamela has decided that it’s time to stop acting like an ASS and do what I need to do so not only see next year but the years ahead. I had a very horrible dream that I had a stroke. I’ve had a dream that I lost my left food and I’ve even had a dream that I had a heat attack. That’s my conscious beating me up. I will have no one to blame if I develop something for real because of this and I’ll deal with it – but I still got time, so I’m about to CHOOSE LIFE….for real this time.