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Broke Addiction

I can remember it like it was yesterday, we were standing around the bed as my daddy threw a pile of money up in the air. It landed on the bed just like in the movies and we dove in it. I can almost smell that money, the look of it, the feel of it….Negro ballin at it’s finest.

So there is no secret that your sista here is a hundrednaire. There’s no secret that I am usually on the other side of broke. It also is no secret that I am a happy happy sista and do what I want, etc. I am intent on living. You may hear me grumble about being broke, but you don’t hear any conversation about tension in my relationship concerning this because we are evenly yoked. There’s this interpretation that to be evenly yoked it must all be positive. That’s not true – two crackheads are evenly yoked – it’s about the agreement.

Anyway, as I look back over my life I realize that I was not given any formal or informal life lessons about money and finances. I saw hard work, I saw money and then I didn’t see money. I never saw bills, I never knew what the problem was as to why I could almost NEVER get what I wanted (lol). I wasn’t taught about saving, about retirement, about budgeting etc. We just lived.

Once I got out here on my own, I knew some basics about budgeting and I knew all of a sudden I could get credit cards. There are alot of things I wish I could change including that which was important to me. I never budgeted in Clothes, Shoes, Beauty Care and to this day it sometimes amazes me folks who shop – I’m always like how do you carve out money to have multiple bags at the mall. I feel I should have aimed higher in my shopping bracket. In my first marriage, yes there were sometimes some issues with the no plan way that I spent money. I bought cheap and frequent instead of better. It was way to easy for me to play shuffling of bills I had money to pay. To this day my budget fails me 9 times out of 10.

I went to some classes and I’ve read books and articles etc. and it all sounds good in theory and I should be intelligent enough to get a grip and just be more solvent. So since, I am not, I needed to try to figure out exactly what it is. Why do I consistently get down to levels like $5 for a week? Then I began to examine my mental and emotional about this and I have come to a startling realization: I am addicted to being broke. I AM A BROKE ADDICT!!

I wake up on a Friday morning in a GOOD ASS MOOD! I know that during my slumber, some white folks have deposited through the magic of technology, money into my banking account. I literally feel endorphins rushing through my body. I check my acocunt on my phone, I have an even better feeling. Our whole house is abuzz with energy. Fast forward to Sunday Night. I had a budget I stuck to 85% of it, then we wanted to XYZ. I look at the account – almost the whole thing is highlighted with a P for pending beside it. I inhale deeply. I begin to punish myself for overspending – um I have 14 days before I get my next fix. Sometimes it’s worse than other times. I begin to just feel some kinda way. By Tuesday when everything shifts and clears itself and I realize every last dime we have has been assigned, spent or accounted for – the withdrawl and dissent into this dark space begins. I deliberately spend time thinking about things I’d like to do or things I’d like to buy so that I can become sufficiently frustrated. There have been times when I have literally driven myself to my bed in dispair. My shoulders (where I carry my stress) become so tight, my sugars go all willy nilly in response. Wha….you found $100 I had misplaced in my drawer – the excitement around the house is infectious!! Literally we dance and sing. Literally we have. Then we huddle together and plot on how to best mainline this, cause it’s got to go NOW!! Fast forward to say maybe two hours later – I have a headache, I am full and satisfied that I have used up every last ounce, I am nodding in euphoria, I am nodding in euphoria.

The funny irony is that I’m not a slave to money. Not at all – I have all kinds of things to do when I don’t have it, I live my life – YET I am addicted to the highs and lows of it being available. To the fact that for the most part I can survive a whole week as long as I have gas on $1.00. What I am not saying to myself is that it’s very confining. I come to work and go right home, any changing the routine might open myself up to some cost that I can’t take care of.

Another side effect is what I call the lottery plan. I already have a vivid imagination and can skew my dreams at will and create entire 3D fantasies in my head at the drop of a dime. I have chapters and chapters stored away about winning the lottery, complete with whole conversations etc. all in my head. I have a scenario for EVERY DOLLAR AMOUNT starting with 20K. When things get really bad – I have to go here. It’s my ‘special place’. I have been known to get so carried away that I jump up and down as if I really won.

I don’t think I’m ashamed of this situation – but I’m getting tired of the wear and tear on my body, mind and soul. It takes alot out of me, those low’s and since it seems I’m purposely creating the situation just so I can feel the high when it comes is crazy!!

My name is Pam and I am addicted to the highs and lows of being broke. A&E get at me!!


About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

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