I was going through some old writings – I tend to keep the good ones and surprisingly my thoughts haven’t changed but so much from the first time – and I ran across something that my husband wrote four months into our budding relationship. I want to give it to ya’ll because we are always interested in how men feel about their journey into relationships etc. etc.
So I told him to write and I would post UNEDITED – it would add so much depth to the recent words I have been writing. So here yah go! (Written April 20, 2006)
I can not speak for every man but, I can speak for myself when I say I was afraid of commitment. I was afraid that I might miss something better. I was afraid that I might hurt her and she would hate me. I was afraid that I would need to win the game before the game beats me. I believed that love was a convenient word to say in order to get the rights of passage to anything I want from her. And then something happened…….I grew up. Not just in a physical sense but spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I don’t think the same, act the same or do the same things I used to do. And with that in mind, I don’t love the same. The love I have now has meaning and depth behind it. I use to feel like, “What if I use this good love I have on the wrong woman and end up stuck.” I did and was. Let me rephrase that, not the wrong woman per say but a woman with a different direction than mine. After years of irreconcilable differences, I was back in the mix, the game, on the market……….SINGLE!!!! let me dust off my players card, get a new Black Book, and redo my wardrobe (label whore. Indie.Arie would hate me). But the game ain’t what it used to be. The internet is widespread, and clubs are dangerous. You could pick up anything from bullets to AIDS. My weapon of choice was the internet. No strings attached. Just for fun. See ya when I see ya. Who Let The Dogs Out?
Then I came across somebody that made me rethink my situation and want to do some type of realigning of my standards for the type of woman I would like in my life, a good one. I wondered though, what, in my terms, constitutes a good woman? And if she’s such a good woman, am I that good enough of a man for her? I can play the roll for the panties. Hold it up for a little while then ease out when she gets serious. I love having a stable of women strategically placed around the city to fit my needs when I am in that area. She would fit perfect. Not too close to me and not too far for a midnight creep. I can make it look like my schedule is too hectic and permits me from getting serious. Hit her up for my needs whether it be sexual or financial. The ratio is so on my side, she would think she hit goldmine with me. But then I realized that it’s harder to keep up the front than it is being real. I have to remember all those lies I told and make sure they didn’t run on top of each other or was said to the wrong woman.
I decided to be upfront and real. She made me feel comfortable enough to expose myself and not feel like I didn’t measure up to Tyrese/Diddy. O.K. here’s the hard part. Can I keep my interest in HER and HER ONLY? Am I ready to be monogamous?
I’ve come to this conclusion. I Love this woman with all I have. My world is not a perfect one and neither is hers. Yet together our worlds are as good as anybody else’s. What strikes me the most is that she was happy before I came along. She didn’t look for me to make her happy. That’s what makes this comfortable. I love this woman and am not afraid to cut off my options to anyone else. My nights are now filled with reminiscing on the 80’s and 90’s, old episodes of Martin while sharing popcorn, stretching a dollar one week and blowing $100.00 the next. Her giving me the control to watch ESPN and me being considerate and giving it back for Lifetime. I have a new journey and a partner to take it with.
I LOVE YOU PAM !!!!!!!!!