I have been spending some time in my mirror lately, but not the one that looks into my soul, but the literal one that looks at me in the physical. I don’t know if it’s because it’s Spring or because I’m just so shelled shocked from the winter we’ve had (which is bad for US so Northerns and Mid Westerners – whateva, lol) but I’ve been starting to look at what I look like and it’s an affirming moment for me. I have had some years of low self esteem, haven’t we all – but overall I haven’t been that harsh on myself. I’m in a space now in my life where the visual is pleasing to my eye.
It’s interesting the human body – each of us has one that is basically unique to us, yet doesn’t belong to us persay. We are a combination of all the people who share blood with us. When I stand in the mirror – I see my parents as plain as day. Now my mom, like her personality, is the dominant one – but I see it all. I now laugh at the gray hair that’s coming in in the exact same place as hers. At the small frekles that are developing under my eyes. At my shape that is morphing and curving to look more like hers.
I have stared really close at my face and there are no wrinkles – just lines, telling their stories, but not shouting…yet. I stand in the mirror naked and look at every nook and cranny, your body tells your story. I think about that stretch mark that represents my child growing inside me, that burn mark as I tried to reach in the oven to fast. I pinch and hold all the good meals I’ve had and jiggle all the good meals for the wrong reasons as well. I notice my body hair texture and pattern – say a few ho ho ho’s for the damn beard that is becoming more aggressive. Cupping my breasts – I try to figure out what kinda shelf bra Janet Jackson wears and if my breasts are beyond their marketability.
As I glance in the mirror – I see a woman a soon to be 44 year old woman that I’m proud of. As a female throughout the years, it has been a struggle sometimes to look in the mirror and just accept the canvas you have been given. Who said the canvas was suppose to be perfect and certainly who said that someone elses canvas was the one you were suppose to have!! You got one LOVE IT!!
I took my weave out this weekend and suddenly fell in love with the hair that I was blessed with in it’s natural (well 5 months no touch up) condition, lol As I walked around rocking my Maxwell Urbansuite look – I was feeling it, I am seriously contemplating NOT giving in to the creamy crack. I am still a slave to the wonderful weave – but the rest…I feel the shackles coming off. I can honestly say that I only did relaxers to fit in. As it’s all progressed and I do fit in – to what I want to fit in, there is really no need. The Gemini in me needs adornment and costumes which the weave satisfies 10 fold, but I am beginning to feel like a huge curly 40+ look growing out my own head might be making an appearance just in time for the summer of my 45th year.
What I’ve been coming away with is the fact that I am reconciling and falling in love with myself in the mirror but I have not been protecting, pampering and doing the proper maintenance. I get routines and they fall off. I start facial things and then go back to just splashing water and using cocoa butter etc. I want to begin to pamper this body that I have. Pay homage to it by keeping it moisturized, going and getting a facial sometimes to keep the close the pores, making time to go get my feet done – not just in the summer. I want to continue to wrap this body of mine in fashion as I am exploring it. I have no fashion sense – so that’s a handicap (lol) but I want continue to explore and try it. I want to work harder at feeding this body the best it can have – I want to treat this body like I want my man to treat it, I think that sums it up – I want to look at this body like he looks at it, touch it with the reverence of it’s beauty like he does and snuggle up with it like it is life giving..because it is!