Yesterday I felt ugly. I haven’t felt that way in a lonnng time. Yesterday I felt like my man wouldn’t like me. I haven’t felt that at all since we’ve been together. It was almost foreign those insecurities that rose up in me. We all have them, but I had worked very hard to beat those bitches back and they broke loose yesterday, yes they did.
It all revolved around the fact that I got some teeth pulled. Diabetes is a mutha and it will affect you in some kinda way. In an interesting twist, my way is through my gums. I am giving ya’ll some real shit here – I most likely will lose all or most of my teeth in the long run. The gum disease just won’t go into remission, no matter how I am letting them dig through my skill to scrape. So it’s something I’ve had to come to terms with. Like alot of stuff – I actually am ok, you can’t get your sight back, or your feet – but I can get me a nice pair of pearly whites – so I’m okay with it.
Having diabetes and going through periods where I haven’t taken as good of care of myself as I should and still struggle with it, has been interesting. Knowing that you will die for real, is an interesting revelation. It’s one thing to know that yea one day you will die, but Diabetes WILL kill you – it’s goal is to KILL YOU and having that death sentence is a bitch. I live with it and just keep God in my life as the best knower. Just let my child get up and out the house and living her own life – that’s all I ask. Ok, I also ask that I see some Grandbabies (lol)
So anyhoo – I looked in my mouth yesterday and panicked. You can’t see where they were pulled – it’s not in my smile line and even in pain yesterday, I smiled and I smiled hard to make sure because I won’t be able to afford to get some replacements until a couple of months from now seeing as I have some other work that needs to be done as well.
All kinds of things went through my mind concerning my marriage, my husband, my looks. I’ve worked hard to love me, love my body, love my face, love my bought hair (lol), love who I am and I so enjoy myself.
Here was a test to the relationship, to the feelings in the relationship – I’m in my mid-forties I’m losing my freaking teeth! OUCH!
I sat at home yesterday embarassed, waiting for him to come home. I had fixed my hair and just tried to look presentable in a lopsided frozen face kinda way (lol).
He walked in, looked at me, came over and kissed me and my gauzy frozen mouth full on the lips and said “you are still the sexist woman and my wife” I am really in love.
I looked in the mirror this morning and I saw myself, a whole woman, a complete woman, a real woman, a sexy woman, a woman who is loved.