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Firsts – you can never go back

I gave this whole trip down memory lane some thought and this might be fun Probably wayyy more revealing than I might want to be, but a great exercise in childhood perception of things, cause I’m sure by now I’m totally in fantasy land about a lot of things, lol lol.  

 I thought I’d start out with some firsts we all go thru….in no particular order.

My First Kiss was in the 8th grade with TH. He was my first ‘boyfriend’. I actually got him as a consolation prize when my older brother took his girlfriend from him. (In my life I’ve been a consolation prize more than once). I remember he said I kissed horribly, lol lol. I was sooo upset about that, that I vowed to master kissing and over the years I have. Now that didn’t stop him from shoving his tongue down my throat every chance he got, lol but I got the message. Seeing as that was about all you were going to get from me in High School, I had to learn that skill quick.

My Parents sometimes had little get togethers, my First Drink was….PINK CHAMPALE. We used to get up the next day and finish off all the little plastic cups that didn’t have cigarette butts in them. Talk about some good stuff. Then I moved on to the HUGE bottle of Manachevitz on the bottom shelf of the fridge. That stuff tasted like Koolaid. I had to be around 11 or so then. My next introdution to alcohol was when I used to visit my Father in Philly over the summer. There was a woman who lived in the alley and she sold 40’s and wine coolers. She didn’t care. We would all pitch in and get us a couple and go to my brothers girlfriends house cause her momma worked at night and get to drinking, lol lol. One time we were trying to sneak in the house, I was tore up and we got all the way to the steps when in the dark sat my father. I just fell out and fell down the steps and they were trying to drag me up by my clothes. It was a hot mess. I did a good amount of drinking from 15-19, lol lol during the summer of course.

I guess I’m a bit analytical about some things (you think, lol) and I’m always thinking about how I will be affected by stuff – so I never really was interested in cigarettes or drugs for that matter, however, I have indulged in both. I smoked my first cigarette when I was a teenager in the bathroom of our house, lol. I remember my momma came home and I put it out in a can of TAB, ROTFL. I was standing on the toilet so I could blow the smoke out the bathroom window….I was in college when I smoked my first Weed. We were riding around in Philly acting a plum fool. A car full of girls and someone had some and as we cruised down South Street we were going at it. I actually wasn’t impressed and it set my coochie on FIRE!! I was almost hunching the back seat I got so horny, lol lol I remember alot of crazy stuff happening from someone peeing out a moving car window to someone falling of the curb. I didn’t like that feeling. I’ve only tried weed three times – the other two times were in a controlled atmosphere with a guy and I could immediately work on that FIRE my coochie was on.

I have never been a fighter. Don’t know how but the day my mom made me participate in my First fight, I’ll never forget. I’ll say this heifers name PENNY lived down the street and we had a love/hate relationship. She would always hit on me and I would just let her, I had to be around 8. Well one day my mom saw this and she told me to come in the house and basically said I had two choices, either beat up that girl or get beat by her. Well I went on outside and Penny had went home. My mom escorted me to her house and her momma and my momma set up a fight and we had to fight in the yard! I beat the brakes off that girl, cause whatever she was gonna do to me had to have been better than my momma, lol. I wonder whatever happen to her and I’m sure she got a different take on what went down.

I grew up quite sheltered  and so I didn’t even really associate with a boy who was not my relation until I was in the 4th grade when my father took us out of private school.  That First day of elementary school – I sat in between MC and JC. Whew Lawd! I almost passed out. I had never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life as I sat there with my big ass Kroger bag with my lunch in it and a rinky dink outfit because I used to wear a uniform.  MC became my first crush. I loved the ground that boy walked on! He had the most brillant smile. He and I would play school yard games and even when I got my Zayre’s coke bottle glasses that were 2/$19.99 – he still hung with me. Luckily we both were highly intelligent and so we got pulled out of class to go to the trailors for Gifted Class most of the time – – ahhhh – – We lost touch after elementary school, but I saw him again when I was a Debutante – he looked like a PRINCE from a movie or something. You never forget your first crush 🙂

I’ve been sexual for a long time, I can remember being around seven or so and discovering that if I rubbed up against my stuffed animal that sholll felt good – so then that became my favorite hobby, lol Until my momma walked in on me!!! I wrote my first provocative story when I was 10 about MC. We were doing it on the scream machine at six flags, lol My momma found that too in my diary and I had a ceremonial burning of said diary in a trashcan in the back yard. All thru High School I was basically a stick of dynamite, lol lol, but I made a pact in the 8th grade with my friends that we would graduate High School virgins and except for one girl we did. I kept some form of a boyfriend however,lol. Funny how patterns start young – I was always pining after someone and struggling with how to ‘be’ with that person. Back then boys were not so demanding, so if you played it right and knew how to grind, you were cool, (by this time my kissing had IMPROVED, lol).   By the time I was in the 10th grade, I was a trembling orgasmic mess, lol lol. Now I neva neva neva neva let a boy touch me beneath my clothes cause that analytical mind of mines had already read that semen could travel! Get the hell away from me! He could kiss me, cop a quick feel and we could grind till the cops came running, lol. (to this day the hubby finds it utterly incredulous that I got all the way thru high school and never had a boy touch my breast and I never gave one hand job, lol)

Fond fond memories were during probably the highlight of my existence on this planet so far – the ages 15-17. I was so crazy over boys I was in a daze,lol. The summer I turned 15, I went to visit my father in Philadelphia and had my first romance. It was straight out of an ABC afterschool special. My father didn’t have his foot planted as firmly in my neck as my mother – so I had a lonnng leash with him. Me and WC had the best summer. Movies, eating out, take the casino bus to Atlantic City, the plateau, curling up watching TV. I remember he gave me his dog tag – Lawd chile, I was in loveeeeeeeeeee. WC was on the phone freaking out because I was popular and I had a lot of activity and knew a lot of people and he was 800+ miles away. He got kinda controlling and I would have to be by the phone at a certain time to take his calls – well that all ended when the phone bill came in. My momma had a cow!! Ultimately my father had a little talk with him. At the time I was sooo upset I cried FOREVER!! So like a lot of first romances it was also my first heartbreak. Yea we cool – I saw him a couple of years ago down 9th street when I was visiting and we hung out for a minute – He holds a distinction in my life: he was the first boys penis I ever saw, lol lol. One night we were on the porch and I was like can I see it and he opened up his shorts and I took a look, I wasn’t impressed, lol. (and I didn’t touch it). I do remember that. (but time changes that kinda stuff, lol.

My First Time – hmm that was interesting.  I had decided that ole boy was playing around too much and I was just ready to lose my virginity so I went to the clinic and got on the pill myself – waiting the 90 days I had read to make sure they were working. Lied and said I was going to the library took the AMTRAK to NY to lose my virginity.  Now the truth of the matter is that like everyone else it stunk to high hell, but maybe mine stunk for a different reason.  It was the most medicinal act I had ever done.  He treated the whole thing as it was his duty to break me in and it had absolutely NO FEELING to the whole thing.  However, something else happen as well. I remember jumping up and feeling like OMG! This is what I want to do all the time (once I get it right) and I became a size queen (get your eyes back in your head, lol) I remember prancing in front of the mirror naked my 34c’s (what a God given great breast size) looking al perfect saying that I felt like I had hips (I’ve never had hips) and I felt like the most sexual being.  Unfortunately, my partner never felt that way and our sexual energy never matched.  It would be manyyy years until I finally got the matching energy I desired.

Ha!  I am sitting here chuckling to myself as all of this imagery swirls around in my head. All of us have first and each story is different and significantly unique to us.  I’m glad that I remember mines and that they hold a special place in my heart as opposed to some deep dark reason why I’m in therapy. 

Feel free to share any of yours and if there’s one you wanna hear from me – let me know.


About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

2 responses to “Firsts – you can never go back

  1. I enjoyed reading this.

    My first kiss was awful. I did not know he was suppose to stick his tongue in my mouth. I didn’t kiss again for awhile. I do not want anybody else’s tongue in my mouth.

  2. NikkiFree ⋅

    Well, my first time…ALMOST made it out of high school. Less than 6 months removed from graduation, in fact. (No one from my school. Thank goodness. He WAS my first love as well.) Funny. You were like, “Wow! I wanna do this all the time”. I was like, “This is it? It hurts and I got absolutely no enjoyment from it. What’s in this for ME?”). LOL Well, I went off to college and got with a frat guy who taught me the fine art of getting my grind on.

    The moral to this story though is get your class ring back before you go off to college then dump your back-home BF over the phone. Never saw that ring again. Ouch!

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