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You are NOT the Father

I was minding my own business, living my life when at 35 years of age, I found out that the man who raised me, gave me my foundation and loved me till his heart bled – was NOT THE FATHER!!!! That’s right people – it seems as if I were a classic FIRST TIME HAVING SEX WITH THE HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND ON SR. PROM NIGHT BABY! So I’m living proof it takes ONE TIME!

Now the crazy thing about this is that I literally was the only one that didn’t know. EVERYONE including all my siblings etc. knew this…but me. I tell you, I have no idea where the hell I’ve been all these years. Apparently, my biological father was alive and kicking all this time. When the truth came out it took a couple of minutes for it to all register. Then things started happening quickly – I got an email from an Aunt and then a call from….a sister. I have two additional sisters. My youngest one was soo excited. She spilled out that she had actually written Maury looking for me and that she had been searching for me for years on her own, behind our fathers back. Then she told me she always was told she had an older sister and that at family reunion pictures there would be an empty chair representing…ME! Now all of this was a bit overwelming. My head was spinning.

Then I finally talked to….him. Ever had a small feeling somewhere that something just ain’t right, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. For alot of my life, it kinda ‘bugged’ me that I just wasn’t like my two immediate siblings (ok my pops had 12 kids, my mom had 3 and it’s this immediate family I refer to in my blogs – not the rest). I just acted so different, had a different attitude about things, had this creative side  had this peaceful side they couldn’t find, had this spacey – fantasy – moral overdrive they didn’t possess. I just figured it was genes – well when this man got on the phone – such a powerful feeling of peace befell me – no lie – I got woozy and almost fainted on the phone. It was as if this blankness in my life that I couldn’t identify filled. He was JUST LIKE ME, lol. He was also polar opposite to my parents. He has dreds down to his waist,  kinda drifted doing poetry, playing drums etc. is very metaphysical, spiritual, calm. It was amazing.

Now as a show (well to me at least) of the very inner core of who I am as a person – and I am being very truthful – I took this whole situation with a grain of salt. No angry accusations, no therapy needed, no freakouts, no nothing. I’ve heard both sides of the story and it was between my parents and I am leaving it at that. I can’t spend any time ‘upset or hating or blaming’ my parents or him for his inactivity in my life. Now of course, my eyebrow raised at the sheer notion that basically a conspiracy took place my whole life – but my life was and is not a lie. I didn’t ‘miss’ anything or feel as if I were ‘deprived’ much.

I met my biological father for the first time July a couple of years ago. I look like him (well I look like my daddy too, lol). I didn’t necessarily know how to act so I just let him hold me for as long as he needed to in order to be able to fill that ‘void’ that had been in his life all these years. The last time he saw me in person I was three years old. Now he produced pictures of me all the way up until 2004 as well as pictures of my daughter etc. etc. I will also admit that is the thing that kinda pissed me off – I didn’t like the fact someone out here knew about me and I had no idea about them. I was quite excited to find out I had the sisters and all these cousins and folks that were waiting to meet me. He gave me pictures of him and I – he had the bracelet I wore in the hospital. Pictures of him, me and my mother etc. These were all precious to me.

It is now 2010 – where do we stand? Well I know him and where he is and likewise with him.  We speak on holidays and birthdays etc. and I try to write him, but I have yet to go to the ‘hometown’ and meet everyone else.  He has this need to ‘explain’ his life to me and I let him.  Folks have to get stuff off their chest.  This was not a drama filled story really – it actually is just like I thought it should be.  He was gonna marry my mom but he got drafted into the Vietnam war – he had to go or go to jail.  My mom got scared and didn’t think he was coming back. She met my Daddy and decided that was the decision she wanted to make.  We moved, we kept moving – he lost touch then he decided that I was in good hands.  Folks told him about me, her family folks he knew. He received pictures etc.  I had a ‘play’ Grandmomma that I ote etc. come to find out that was my REAL Grandmother – it was his Mother.  SIGH.

I talk to my younger sista more now since Facebook and we have met and I met my two nieces.  The one right under me – wants nothing to do with me – seems she always felt she was competing with a ‘ghost’ and now that I’ve been ‘found’ – she is uneasy with that – I give her that option and respect her wishes.

I don’t really discuss this stuff with my Mom.  Being a woman I understand about the ‘things we keep in our heart’ and I don’t want to upset my Mother by trying to combine all the different relationships. The few times we’ve talked since the initial talk – she’s not shown any malice towards him and actually there’s a warm spot – he was a nice nice brother but it is what it is.  I don’t wish to take her back there – she goes and she knows.

In relation to my other siblings it presents several levels of ‘situations’ that are just not addressed.  I will never forget this quote “You can’t have Families without famiLIES and I will just leave it at thatWhat I am not doing, however, is acting like this part of me doesn’t exist.  That mess stopped when I found out.  I had a Daddy I lolve/loved my Daddy with all my heart and that will NEVER stop don’t even question me on it but there’s some other truth out there and it will no longer be ignored now that it is in the light. 

I feel SO BLESSED, to have had my daddy and in his absence, my Father. I call him by his first name and to be honest – I don’t have the kind of connection that I had with my daddy – but I feel WHOLE and I feel COMPLETE and I feel SOLID out here in the world because…that nagging feeling is gone.


About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

One response to “You are NOT the Father

  1. NikkiFree ⋅

    Wow, Pam. This whole thing that you’ve experienced is mind-blowing. It’s one of those situations that you can never really know how a person feels unless you have the same exact experience You ARE blessed as you said.

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