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I really ain’t that deep, lol

Well people sorry to disappoint you but I’m really just not that deep, lol  This is the other train of thought that spun from writing the email to a friend this morning.  I didn’t say I wasn’t intelligent, or smart or knowledgable but that I wasn’t that deep.

I sometimes look at folks on Facebook day after day putting all these great quotes up from other people – some of these folks I know, have hung around, have gossiped with and so it amuses me that in that space they are so ‘wise’.  Really they are adept at recognizing the wisdom of other people.  If they were to put up that they say finally figured out how to stop arguing and fighting with their Ex – then I would want to know the answer to that and deem it them being wise.

Not being deep is something that I’ve had to make peace with.  If I really look at the things that interest me, give me joy, make me smile and cause my brain to whirl – it’s some of the most non life consequential stuff imagined.  Here;s the thing I’ve ALWAYS been like this – since I was a little girl daydreaming about being a part of the Brady Bunch and before even that.  I get great pleasure out of non-taxing brain activity. 

It’s taken me awhile and I still struggle with it but I’ve come to understand that who I am is a specialized individual.  I am abstract, cerebral and earthy.  The journey to reconciling this started with meeting my Biological Father.  He presented himself with dreds down to the ground, a person who ‘floated’ played the drums and just kinda did things to please his spirit and soul and not what folks ‘thought’ he needed to be doing.  BINGO!!  I knew I didn’t fit into the blood path of my mother and father cause the two that do are so not like me – but now I had a starting point.

I have to add drama, education, worrying to my life palate or I’d just float away, lol  I remember several years ago I decided that to succeed you need to know at least one line of information about damn near everything – well that went a bit deeper for me because basically that’s who I am a book of one liners, lol  I enjoy the fact that I can talk and develop scenarios, stories, commentary at the drop of a dime.  I am a monologist (whew is THAT a word, lol).  I process the fluff in a situation – I’m really not concerned about the deep part.

Things like reading, music, TV and sometimes art appeal to me because it engages my senses, it’s what makes me think and grow.  My mom was on me for eons to go to school get that college degree – I have three now and though the subject has dropped several little gems to expand who I am as a person – not sure if it’s made me the candidate for the Corporate powerhouse it was suppose to.

The best job I ever had, no lie, was working the front desk at City Hall.  Each day I sat there and engaged with people from everywhere all day.  It didn’t stress me and I so fed off of that.  It didn’t pay me either so in order for both my child and I to eat at the same time I needed to move on.  I probably would be content today to work at the front desk of some hip place like Google, do a little typing, do a little filing and smile, flirt, talk and interact with the human race all day long.  Another great job? Was when I worked for one of the go to school at home companies. I taught HS English to grown people who hadn’t finished their HS diploma. I was on the phone all day, I had clients, I had favorites, I had ENERGY.  The problem with this?  All of this looks crazy as hell for a person who has degrees, mouths to feed and is in their mid forties.

Why do I want to win the lottery – it’s really not to pay bills but it’s to explore the earth and get the energy I need without the pressure of having to work alongside it. 

Why won’t I write a book? Because that requires definition, timelines, specific subjects and accountability – I’d just rather write when the feeling moves me.

Why currently am I not filling my time with what would be termed constructive activity? Because it’s relative – what I do IS constructive to me.  Facebooking, Twittering, Blogging, Emailing, My Michael Jackson Work (as I’ve termed it), watching TV, Reading, Staring into space is what I WANT TO DO!

So I am sorry to disappoint those that think these activities are just my letting off steam, and that somewhere I am building a new nation of superbots, sending my resume out to 100 companies, buying 10 suits a season with matching briefcases etc.  Cause I’m not.  I’m just chillin – the more I accept that the happier I am, the more I fight back against folks deciding I need to be doing something different, the happier I am. 

I have a place in this world and in the lives of those lives that I am in. I see it everyday as I move about, there really is a place for someone like me – I actually am close friends with a couple of sistas who also participate in this type of free spirit mind activity and we get along just fine cause I am secure in the thought that when I am sitting on the couch under a blanket watching Access Hollywood – so are they.  People need me in their life – I am Pam and I REALLY AM NOT THAT DEEP 🙂

(this post has spiraled off into another thought that I will continue with tomorrow – it revolves around how I find a host in the men I choose and feed off of them)


About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

One response to “I really ain’t that deep, lol

  1. Monica C.

    I think the older you get, the more comfortable you are with the person that you *really* are. Not the person who your mama wanted you to be, or the person the people in high school said you would grow up to be, but the person you are. And while it’s hard to really get comfortable with that idea, because it automatically means acepting your flaws and iniquities, it is actually a beautiful thing!

    It’s like, I might want to keep my bra on because if I take my bra off then I have to face the fact of what things really look like without a bra – and that is not cute – or at least not as cute as with the bra on – but when you finally DO get to the point where you say, yes, this bra might look cute, but to keep this bra on *all* *the* *time* is SO uncomfortable, and you finally, finally take the bra off – now that is freedom! In all of it’s saggy dangliness, that! is a beautiful thing! ROFL!

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