I was writing a friend today and I noticed that my emails have been quite short lately. I wrote my initial thought about this which was that I just don’t feel like fretting & worrying which is good for me – so I have been working on living, vibing & relying on the things that I am happy with because unless I’m actively working on changing the things I’m not – it will remain the same and I sound like a fool.
I stared and stared at that email and just pressed send because that was it. I realized that sometimes I will just purposely fill my life with my worries because quite frankly I might come across as boring if I didn’t add all that stuff. To finish the email would have me speaking on things are are uniquely relevant to me, lol and unless the person was into it (which they are not) then I’m just talking to myself cause I see a skim and a moving on episode (I know this because I do it myself).
I recognized several years ago I am a worrier – it’s hereditary. The thing I needed to see is how you look when you spend alot of time participating in the activity. That is not living. I found this out this past year when I had a couple episodes of some of the most crippling worrying of my entire adult life. I pride myself on living as I say in a circle – I need to past what I left in order to feel like I’m moving forward – now I see that’s chasing your tail – theoritically that might work if you gain enough speed to create a tornado and move yourself – however, I was complicating things by adding hills and valleys to the circle. The constant high and low motion was making me sick to my stomach and dizzy.
How come it’s soo hard to recognize the beauty within yourself? We are quicker to decide we are fine physically than mentally and emotionally. Who exactly are we trying to prove that we are this and that. That epiphany has come due to Michael Jacksons death. I slid so fast into this 16 year old bubbly fan that it kinda scared me. I have continued to participate in these things and have no shame about it – I am soo comfortable in this space, it opened the door for me to be comfortable in some other spaces in my life.
I will try to continue not letting worry be the thing that validates me. If I’m not worrying I’m not me. That isn’t who I want to be to begin with so to fill the empty spaces with that instead of the stuff I really am is crazy. That’s like folks who complain, who whine, etc. How much is left of you if you take that away and are you hiding things you would really like to fill that space with because you are afraid of what someone will think?
This actually is a dual train of thought………………..
Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel 
this quote hit me quite hard:
“How come it’s soo hard to recognize the beauty within yourself? We are quicker to decide we are fine physically than mentally and emotionally. Who exactly are we trying to prove that we are this and that.”
i think that in most of my issues…herein lies the problem. physical beauty is so easy to define, but what lies within us, where beauty is not so easy to define. i try to think whats so great or talented or gifted in me and i dont really come to any conclusions. in the past i would go to what physically i knew i was good at..shoot great at. it didnt take a lot of work and alot of people wanted it. now as a more “mature” person who has made several life altering decisions (notice i didnt say mistakes..cause those decisions do make me who i am today..the good and bad) i still dont know whats so great about the inner parts of Danita. and because i didnt make good decisions with the outer beauty i find myself really not caring about the way i look…because can i not slip back in those ways? and shouldnt someone want me because of my inner greatness and not the way i look.
so i sit at this nice stagnat place in my life where everyone else around me is moving on (schooling, careerwise, relationshipwise) and i just sit here completley lost.
Pam, thank you for your blog. it makes me think.