I was writing a friend today and I noticed that my emails have been quite short lately. I wrote my initial thought about this which was that I just don’t feel like fretting & worrying which is good for me – so I have been working on living, vibing & relying on the things that I am happy with because unless I’m actively working on changing the things I’m not – it will remain the same and I sound like a fool.
I stared and stared at that email and just pressed send because that was it. I realized that sometimes I will just purposely fill my life with my worries because quite frankly I might come across as boring if I didn’t add all that stuff. To finish the email would have me speaking on things are are uniquely relevant to me, lol and unless the person was into it (which they are not) then I’m just talking to myself cause I see a skim and a moving on episode (I know this because I do it myself).
I recognized several years ago I am a worrier – it’s hereditary. The thing I needed to see is how you look when you spend alot of time participating in the activity. That is not living. I found this out this past year when I had a couple episodes of some of the most crippling worrying of my entire adult life. I pride myself on living as I say in a circle – I need to past what I left in order to feel like I’m moving forward – now I see that’s chasing your tail – theoritically that might work if you gain enough speed to create a tornado and move yourself – however, I was complicating things by adding hills and valleys to the circle. The constant high and low motion was making me sick to my stomach and dizzy.
How come it’s soo hard to recognize the beauty within yourself? We are quicker to decide we are fine physically than mentally and emotionally. Who exactly are we trying to prove that we are this and that. That epiphany has come due to Michael Jacksons death. I slid so fast into this 16 year old bubbly fan that it kinda scared me. I have continued to participate in these things and have no shame about it – I am soo comfortable in this space, it opened the door for me to be comfortable in some other spaces in my life.
I will try to continue not letting worry be the thing that validates me. If I’m not worrying I’m not me. That isn’t who I want to be to begin with so to fill the empty spaces with that instead of the stuff I really am is crazy. That’s like folks who complain, who whine, etc. How much is left of you if you take that away and are you hiding things you would really like to fill that space with because you are afraid of what someone will think?
This actually is a dual train of thought………………..