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Looking in the mirror

I think a part of why I wanted to blog again was because I have issues.  Nothing is going particularly wrong in my life. I’m very happy in my marriage, my child is not a savage, I’m in a peaceful cycle concerning my extended family and I didn’t get laid off  recently when alot of my friends/associates did.  It’s just that I, as I have always been, am devoid of a solid plan about exactly where I should be going and how I should be getting there.

I recently finished up my Bachelors and Masters just in time for the United States to collapse upon itslef espeically in the housing and job market.  The funny thing is when I went to school, I wasn’t ‘fo sho’ straight on what I intended to do with all of this. 

Here’s the thing as I’ve been looking at it, this may sound odd, but ‘working’ in the Traditional sense never really was something that was big in my family. We wern’t pushed or encouraged for that matter to get a job.  Therefore, that was one of the first things alot of us went and did once we got on our own.  My family worked for themselves, but they made that look so difficult and aggravating working with the elders that most of us shied away from the concept.  All we saw was that if you get a job you make money and then you have money to do stuff with, lol  Well fast forward to now and that has turned out to be a huge cross to bear.

I have to face the fact that ever since I was little, I wanted to just be a housewife and do whatever it was that they did.  The whole ‘working’ thing was something that I started to do because I wanted money – not because it would fulfill me in some kinda way.  I have struggled with that my entire adult life.  I do just fine with a job – I am NOT a career woman YET I am haunted by the fact that I am not…SIGH.

I am an alturistic person, everything I like to do – I just like to do it – I don’t have to get paid for it YET we are suppose to get paid for it. Curses I am broke because if I were a millionaire I would just do what I want and like to do…just because.

It’s one of the main reasons I get highly ambitious men – they fill that in for me and I can hide behind some well placed words and spurts of work energy the fact that I really just wanna bop around.  Then it’s that whole I only have one child and she’s almost grown thing,lol  what the hell are you being a housewife for?

Let me also make sure it’s understood I AM NOT LAZY, I just ain’t really trying to work that hard.  Work is not my main objective in life, therefore all the pressure filled, I gotta work on the weekends etc. type situations don’t appeal to me.  I have been looking around and they want you to plow like mutliple fields for much less money than I make now. They paying folks peanuts for the amount of work that they want you to do.

What I need to do is stop being critical of who I am.  Stop putting unnecessary pressure on what it is I am ‘suppose’ to be doing and live my life happily.  Yes I get dissatisfied sometimes but ultimately I’m Happy. 

My step mom has been a ‘mom’ all her life – it’s as if just being a good mother, wife, friend etc. is something that is looked at as a dying breed.  You can be happy and fulfilled as a woman by being just that a Traditional Woman.  I’m a hybrid of sorts but I still identify with Traditional – I need to FEEL THAT IT’S OKAY TO BE HAPPY WITH THAT.  My memoirs will and are full of life – being a CEO or VP or Super Career Woman won’t change that.

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About Pamela

Lover of MJ, Mother of College Girl, Atlanta living participant of the bigger picture. Always ready for my closeup.

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