Thoughts From The Elipitical

(Working out allows me a free, open range of thinking.  My head is clear, my body is working and I am finding that because I am who I am some weird stuff be popping up, lol

To be satisfied from the waist down and the waist up might be two different things from two different people.  To acquire satisfaction fully from one person is truly a gift.  To let dissatisfaction from the waist down override your satisfaction from the waist up can have dire consequences in your life.  The bottom half is always working on a primal egotistical level. What makes us of a higher caliber than our Animal counterparts is that we have control over the waist up.  Your bottom half will come alive a lot during your life and not always within the scope of acceptable social norms or marriage vows, the key is to develop fully the relationship from the waist up because it is like a good dose of penicillin and it will eventually kill off that wayward feeling from the waist down.

To hate anonymously is such a cop out – let it be known so that person can make sure they feed you what you need to survive, lol

Biggie Smalls was a lazy lover. All throughout that movie, every time it went down, Lil Kim was on top. Lazy Fucker!

It takes A LOT to make me sweat.  I am just not a person who becomes drenched like that.

I’ve been here on the regular for eight months now and I’ve never seen you work on your legs – I’d like to see them one day.

A good Luke song (though this was probably NOT his intention) can make you feel quite sexy at the gym, lol He be giving mad nasty compliments in his songs about your ass, your legs etc.  Take it and make it beast out for you, lol

I need a spotter to try the Smith Machine and to lift bar bells lying down. SIGH

Weight Loss and Fitness are two different things and mean totally different things to folks.  I started out as a weight loss participant and now I’m a budding fitness buff.  I’m pulling away from the philosophy of weight loss and it’s benefitting me more.

I am STILL working on my triggers.  A hard one to get into is the “I am not doing shit because you TOLD me to do it”.  I have a hard time pushing through that one.

The Moteasir Tribe is alive and well, believe you me.

There are some things that I just know about myself and am unapologetic about them:

• I am not into organized religion
• I am wishy washy as hell with my feelings and how I express them
• I can be in my feelings way before you get out what you are saying, thus I am sensitive
• The way I act around you has a direct correlation to how you make me feel, so folks who think I am a bitch, you are just as right as the folks who can’t imagine how you have come to that conclusion
• I am stubborn as hell esp when it comes to telling me what I ‘should’ be doing
• I am a yellow and I do require ample shine, lol
• I know how to get my groove on, lol

The best post that can go on Facebook in my opinion is I fucked up. A plethora of meme’s doesn’t make me think that you haven’t believe me, lol

Every day on the internet I see women talk themselves out of being ready for a man…….

The thirst is real and it’s deep and it will require gallons of water for some folks.

I can’t believe I didn’t even flinch at the new IPhone coming out. I didn’t even KNOW till the day of.  WOW!  Android got me in deep, lol

Releasing the ‘need’ to worry has been a great emotional adjuster for me.

I’m learning that too often as women, we wrap up “PMS” and “EMOTIONAL EATER” into neat little bowed boxes and that allows us to use them as a crutch.

I should have never opened myself up to the emotion of crying because now it happens to often, lol

For some strange reason I haven’t shaved my legs in like a month, I’ll be going to the African Braider up the street to get jolly ranchers put on the ends of my follicles!

I am no longer obligated to watch every reality show that comes on TV

It actually is frustrating that my glasses, shoes and rings don’t fit.

I deleted someone from my online world after they showed me what a true SAVAGE they really were. What I witness on that street in front of folks should NEVER be witnessed by my eyes again from someone I know!  You are a fake ass person and act like you don’t know me when we are in the street and we might meet again since we went to the same HS.

I’ve grown tired of making up scenarios of how many ways Beyonce doesn’t give one FUCK about her old High School Boyfriend being as thirsty as a dude in the dessert, lol

Work Out Wednesday – Chapter One

Better late than never!  I have been meaning and wanting to begin to blog about this fitness journey I am on.  Like with the Make Up and the Natural Hair journey, at some point social media is just not enough.  I have all kinds of things going on in my head and heart and want to express them. Now the time has come.

I have chosen Wednesday because my fitness week begins on this day.  I chose the middle of the week, so that I would have to make it through a weekend being on point.

Let’s go back for a minute though and start at the beginning.

I began this journey like everyone else on January 1^st.  I had become concerned about some weight creeping up on me as well as I felt soo bad.  I mean I was so weak.  The previous year I had lost maybe 15 or so pounds and babeee, last summer I was stunting, but behind all of that I was NOT doing my own stunts, lol  My body was wrecked.  Just losing the weight wasn’t working. I had NO muscle definition, I felt atrophied and weak.  I couldn’t even lift a simple grocery bag.

On some level, my inactivity was due to a simmering depression. I was coming up out of some difficult mental times in 2012 and the start of the year began in that state of mind.  At some point during this evaluation, I was in my feelings and someone said something slick about my knowledge and assumed over indulgence of the television. It so happened to coincide with someone texting me and saying they opened this new gym up the street called Planet Fitness $1 down/$10 month.  Now my previous experience at the gym was a fish out of water – but my desire to prove to a muthafucka I could, overrode that. So on January 20, 2013 I joined the gym.  No expectations, I was gonna walk on the treadmill a bit you know get my heart rate someplace normal.

I can admit I am stubborn beyond measure about being told what to do, old childhood emotional injuries stay on the show up, so I would have sat there forever until I decided to do something, but I was trying to be my authentic self and do the work and knew this was not me, I had ascribed it to myself as a coping mechanism. So I kept going.

I can’t tell you what or when something came alive in me.  I can’t tell you when it all started making sense to me, but suddenly after like a month or so it did.  I stayed putting up hurdles, but each one I knocked down. I began to move about the gym trying new things, pushing myself, becoming familiar with what it feels like to work.  It solidified for me that my biggest shortcoming in my life was..FEAR.  Stop being scared and you start being alive.  I said I would never get on an elipitical machine, I looked up and in 5 minutes increments of torture, one day I was doing 60 minutes!!  I was not just walking but running on the treadmill, I was riding 10 miles on the stationery bike, spurts of something I wasn’t familiar with..victories that didn’t need someone’s approval.  THEN, I picked up a weight and that was it.  The empowerment I felt, WOW!

I started setting goals, I started paying attention even more to what I was eating, I started being responsible for my type 2 diabetes and I started to…shine!

Fast forward to this morning,

• I have lost 12 pounds
• 1 have lost 28.5 inches all over my body with 13 or so of them just from my diaphragm to my c section scar
• I went from 30 minutes every other day to about 1-2 hours 5-6 days a week
• I can RUN
• I can JUMP
• I can COMPETE
• I can lift 120 lbs with my legs
• I can lift 10 lbs of free weights over 50 times with my LEFT arm (my weak arm)
• I have lost 4-5 dress/pants sizes depending on cut and store
• I have made a whole new circle of friends

I could go on and on.  So once a week at minimum, I will take you on this journey, as is me, it will at times be funny as hell and sometimes poignant but hopefully it might assist someone in the real world with real issues take that first step, cause I’m telling you – if my stubborn ass had an enlightening moment, I believe anyone can when it’s their time!

MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME – NOT

This whole fitness/weight journey has been interesting to say the least. The fall off lessons and discoveries have been just as, if not more profound than the actual purpose of the journey, lol Something that I’ve been thinking a lot about is this concept that we don’t do things for others, but we do them for ourselves. All day and night I see this, especially on Social Media “Fuck Ya’ll I’m doing this for me, It’s about me, My journey is my journey” etc. etc. It speaks a good game and it’s great that a person (including myself) but ultimately I think it’s a bunch of shit!!

Outside of primal urges and instincts at birth – VERY few of us are capable of the level of thought necessary to develop ideas and principles independent of the input of others to be doing anything strictly and solely for ourselves. The era of the great thinkers has been over and most ideas already exists or are already in the process of being examined and thrust into the world by folks who are NOT us. We’ve gotten so bad that now we just pass along the wisdom and sayings of others via the meme and most of those have been assigned to folks who won’t even claim them or we have outright never checked to see if they did say them, lol

Most things we do are either spurred by, suggested by, coaxed by, goaded by or forced by someone else. Now when and if we ever decide to do it is when the whole ME ME ME thing kicks in but otherwise there is a conduit to us doing anything. We might benefit from things in the long run but we are not singularly responsible for doing anything, and we are not the only ones who are affected.

Let’s take something simple like fitness/weight loss etc. I can only speak for me, but feel comfortable and assigning this feeling to just about every other freaking person out there, whenever this has come up there are a few things that spur it on:

• A Doctor has told you – you have reached your limit for pigging out
• A Person you don’t know (or do know) has thrown shade at you about it
• A specific incident such as you are standing outside Ashley Stewart in tears or you set all your clothes on fire because they don’t fit or you can no longer wipe your ass without having to flex has happened
• You found an old picture of yourself in your ‘prime’ while standing in front of a mirror displaying your now

So you get up off the couch or begin throwing all the good shit out,while your family is like Wait..NOT the Oreos and then you begin. You are so ‘mad’ with yourself about the whole thing – you have to justify it somehow, so you start yelling and screaming about how you are DOING IT FOR YOU!! You will benefit, but you are NOT – you are doing it like all the rest of us because you want to be accepted in this fucked up priority having, worshipping fake perfection, world we live in. Because if you really were in tune with YOU, you would believe it when they tell you that God loves you just the way you are and sit your ass down somewhere. But we all have fallen victim to the fact that God is not the end all be all in our lives as much as we would like Him to be – so we press on trying to get some others to love us….

The thing is most of those folks end up failing because they don’t see the bigger picture – we are all one and all worlds have a joining on. If you are bettering yourself and you are not the last living soul on the planet, you are being an example for someone else, just like they notice when you fucking up, they see when you are not. We are sheep, especially my generation – we stay trying to be led. We are a ‘nation’ of couch activist – our fingers are our weapons of mass destruction. You can feel the earth shift literally when we find someone or something else to follow on these here innerwebs.

Yea at first I was gonna get all swole and up on my crooked soap box and be all about me, but I have seen in my own life how a lot of my calling is about me being ‘open’ folks seem to vibe on that. I have a tendancy to fill up my walk in life with all kinds of circus clowns, signs and other things that make the ride fun, so I want to embrace that part of me. Recognize that anything you do, you should first be trying to do it for yourself but be aware that someone else may be looking and watching and be ready for that to manifest itself, if you actually are blessed enough to have the capacity to really understand how your place in this world fits. I think we have to remember while we are touting about all the things we are doing for us that the feeling of being an inspiration or even a tale of what not to do is a more powerful motivation than being self driven. Use the weakness of wanting to belong to propel yourself FORWARD!

I think I’ve had more success this time around because I am embracing that. I have joined on to and surrounded myself with folks who also get it. The lifting of the group makes the lift that much more powerful. I have been taken totally off guard by how my journey has become a parade and how many folks have stepped off the sidelines and gotten IN the parade with me. I don’t talk about it hardly ever but I get messages and texts and conversations all the time thanking me and I take it just like I see it “for you to get up off your lazy stubborn ass and even try means the world to me” I don’t ever profess that I did that because I had some epiphany, I did it specifically because some folks were throwing shade. They have gotten a bit quiet but I talked to a shade thrower not to long ago and they tried to fling it, by using the one weapon you shall not prosper against me with – the written word. I blocked with my new tricep and flung that bad boy far away with my new strength and kept it moving.

I have just been really open to the thought process of acknowledging the blessing God has bestowed upon me and in embracing those I have found myself reveling in the blessing of (wo)man. The give and take of these blessings has made US ALL a better person

So as you do anything that you are proclaiming you are doing for yourself – you are, but don’t act like you got it from yourself and don’t forget us – you might be alienating the real and actual blessing of what you are doing!

L-O-V-E

It is the color of light,

The shape of sound high in the evergreens
It lies suspended in hills,
A blue line in a red sky.
I am looking at sound.
I am hearing the brightness
Of high bluffs and almond trees
I am tasting the wilderness
of lakes, rivers, and streams
Caught in an angle of song.
I am remembering water
That glows in the dawn
The motion tumbled in earth
Life hidden in mounds.
I am dancing a bright beam of light
I am remembering love.

Nina Mosley – Love Jones

The definition of Love and what constitutes love has always been a mystery to me. I didn’t grow up in a household where you could clearly develop a sense of what that was between a man and a woman. I got more of a lesson on what I did NOT want in my life moreso than what I did. It was all very technical, mechanical and business like from my vantage point. If I had never picked up a book and through the power of reading, had a blossoming of what kind of ‘love’ I wanted (though this is dangerous and I wasted some time looking for that) I don’t think I would have ever known what it might could be. Even with that, I entered into the love game very sterile and strict, even though my very nature was wild and free. That spirit was CRUSHED and it took awhile to get that back.

As I look over the piece of my life where those things are kept – I can’t even lie, I have been privy to have known casually and in the Biblical sense some really great men and I’ve had probably more than my fair share of good dick (this is an adult blog – and I am grown) but the picture I had built of Love kept falling short. There were bits and pieces but I never could get my stake in the love game up above say 40% and that’s just not enough.

You go through these periods where you try again and again to define what it is that will make you ‘feel’ the way you want to feel on a continuous basis. You know, the ‘look’ and ‘feel’ of Love. We all know the look and feel of lust and it’s so easy to get them confused. You start trying to force the lust to be love, but at some point the high just disappears and as you shake and moan from the withdrawal there is nothing there to replace it at the original source, so there you go looking for a new source. This can add up quickly if you are not careful. I never fell into that cycle (God is Merciful), but I totally understand the psychology behind how you can.

I am a believer that all women eventually get to a period of life where they have to submit to the notion that maybe it’s not gonna be there for them. I remember mine, I wrote about it on a previous blog. I had looked at that empty side of the bed for wayy to long and it had finally broke me. I had to begin the process of accepting that I might have to change the long term goal and figure out what of the short term goal I was willing to accept. I always called this the Frankenstein affect – just build you a man out of the best parts of maybe a few, lol

Yet, like it happens to us a lot of times, right when we think we are at the end, God shows up and shows out and I am blessed that is what happened to me and I met my husband – on the social network site Black Planet. Change can happen in an instant and that’s just what happened – I went from a broke shared needle in a back alley of love to a portable pump plugged right into my jugular vein!! THANK YOU GOD!

At some point in the relationship, I went back and tried to figure out what the missing link had been before. I did not project this outward but inward. It was not a beat myself up party, but more like a performance review of sorts. I came up with one main thing: I presented myself as a wife and gave me all the privileges and honors bestowed around a husband that he DIDN’T deserve or even ask for. When I learned how to just be a woman first and pack up all my pots, pans, laundry detergent, I got your back luggage and wait for an INVITATION to do such, things changed. I was groomed and raised to be a wife and mother – yet I jumped ahead of the horse and became one with out being asked. This time I got asked!

Then the Relationship kicked in. We have been through some difficult times here lately – all the love in the world does not exempt you from the storms that may arise – it shelters, but does not exempt. I know I have a wonderful man, he proves and shows it every day but there are those moments that deserve special recognition because they teach me..about me.

Two things recently happened that solidified that I had the look and feel of…Love. The other day he woke up and said he had a horrible dream. I knew he was dreaming cause he was moaning and kinda thrashing about. Usually when he does this, he is fighting – scars from the past coming via his dreams to haunt him, but this time he surprised me.

He said he was dreaming that he was in someone’s home and he kept trying to get to his home and he kept looking for me and trying to reach me and he couldn’t, He then thought that he should call me to wake him up from the dream so he could come home. This MOVED ME!! This man was dreaming of trying and not being able to get home to…me. To hear that I was ‘home’ is a powerful statement of Love…powerful.

Then last evening, I came home and when he’s there we have this thing where we get in the bed and for about 30 minutes we just lay there face to face and ‘connect’ it’s not sexual it’s intimate. Last evening, I crawled in and he just spoke to me in low tones about how much he loves me, he likes to smell me and smell my hair and he rubs my head and we just take that time to connect. INTIMACY.

This morning on the train, my mind wandered to my past,  I thought about how in your life, you will be lucky to feel some of the best crotch love your body can handle, but you are BLESSED if you ever get to come upon the look and feel of the L-O-V-E that happens between your ears.

I always want for my sister what I want for myself and so I hope that if you are with your definition of love, whether you knew it in advance or you discovered it through that person that you take advantage of that high daily and if you are not in that place, that you continuously save a part of yourself for the possibility and you don’t assume that just because it hasn’t happened yet, that it won’t. Because the greatest thing you will ultimately get out of the journey or the destination is that the most ULTIMATE look and feel of Love is the one YOU GIVE YOURSELF!

 

 

Yah Got Me Going In Circles

(Yea I got behind but here I am catching up!)

My previous blog post gave this rundown of who I am and I believe most if not all of it, and so I thought that was a good segway into a mental health check in with yah girl.

I’ve spoken in public about having a breakdown of sorts last March.  Since that time, once I came up out the fog, it has been my goal to keep the light in my eyes and to feel comfortable and have available coping methods for the stress.  I had to accept that I am a worrier and that I absorb stress and that it can and will have a negative impact on my life.  I had to learn to dig deep and really start doing the work that would make me happy.

I am happy to report that I have been in a great state of bright eyes!  LOL  I was just mentioning that this is the longest I have been in self-imposed happiness in awhile.  As part of that ‘work’ I have had to accept who I am the good bad and ugly.  I used to joke I lived in a circle, and in actuality I do and am most comfortable that way.  I like to move about in a space that’s comfortable and I like coming back to and touching the same people/places/things.  Yes that can make me be inconsistent about some things and I have been inconsistent about things, sometimes important things like people – and I accept that.

Back when I was dating, I used to say I wanted to get me a few good dudes and rotate between them or have them somewhere that I can have them around, lol lol  (I did do that, but I will talk about that later..)

It’s not that I don’t like to try new things – my circles are not closed..but I like my life in this manner.  As I was doing bits of ‘work’ I took a look at some of my favorite circles and found that only my social media and Television were full and active, lol  I decided I needed to start filling up the other ones.  I needed to start filling up my life.  So that’s what I’ve been steadily doing.  I had the work circle, love circle, mom circle, friend circle, social media circle, family circle, craft circle, reading circle and I had added this new exciting circle health and fitness.  I decided to start dipping into them all and let me tell you, it’s a glorious moment when you look up and you are….full and not full of BS, Pain, Stress or Worry.

I wake up excited about all the things I have planned and I go to bed tired from it all.  Now I have faced and continue to face some shit, but I use the methods given to me by my therapist and my God and I am making it.  Sometimes it hard to not want to explain the who what when and why’s or defend myself or my behavior, but part of taking the best care of me, is about doing what’s best for me – no explanations, no compromise and not apologies.

So I carry on second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, but I will say this getting fit is NOT only for your body – my mind is getting better, eating better, exercising better, resting better.  I am getting FITTER in a 365 degree kinda way and what is that…a circle J

 

Thoughts From My Sweat

If you’ve gone back any, you know that in January I crawled up off the couch and into Planet Fitness, which turned out to be one hell of an epiphany.  I’ve been at it for about 8 months now.  I’ve fallen in love with the process.  I’ve met new folks, I’ve done new things and I feel great.  At the six months mark, I jotted down some thoughts – I had a few things bubbling so I thought tonite as I watch and eat all my virtual food on The Food Network would be as good a night as any.

I made the decision to get off weight watchers and just do my fitness pal. I remember telling folks that I couldn’t handle the intense breakdown of caloric intake and at that time I couldn’t but as I have progressed, I have found myself analyzing what I am eating and how many carbs or sodium etc are in the choices I make.  Weight Watchers have saved my ass more than once and I will still be involved in the world because of the good recipes etc, but I am going to see can I fly solo on caloric intake tracking alone.

Instagram has become my new home.  I love that place. I love my timeline and the folks who I like.  It’s more time consuming than the mindless activity of being on Facebook, but it certainly is the right place for me during this journey here.

I might be feeling some kinda way about my ‘twins’ going their separate ways, lol  4 inches have flew the coop!

My boss told me to not wear a dress anymore because it was too big lol  I guess I will go through my clothes again.  You get used to stuff and things that work with several sizes and it’s HARD to give that up.

I think I’m doing a good job at mixing up my work outs not just at the gym, but there is even more.  I intend to get to stone mountain and do the bottom VERY soon.

Folks wanna work out with lil oh me – who would have thunk LOL

I took a picture today and was shocked at how thin my neck and head is, lol  It’s always funny when you catch pure visions of yourself – visions that are not sullied by all your issues so you see yourself for real

I might try on a bikini – just because

I have to really think about what my goal is. I set short term goals but as I go farther along, I, as of now, have not become committed to the next level and that kinda bothers me.  I’m losing MIGHTY slow and my goal is always to get rid of my mid section but my diet is like at 75%-80% of where it might need to be.  So I might have to fall into that ultimate goal. What I mean is focus on continuing to do better, eat better, move more etc. and let the rest take its course.  The true diet champions CUT IT OUT!! Right now I can’t (won’t) not have some fried chicken every couple of weeks, or if we are out and I want a BK cone, I will have it.  I am not cutting any food groups out etc.  HOWEVER, I fought ‘clean’ eating and I pretty much have cleaned it up a lot, lol lol I’m so silly in the way I process some stuff.  I hope to look up and process a flat stomach, lol

I am so intrigued with my body. I spend probably borderline freaky time touching on myself, lol lol  I just rub my thighs or study my arms and look in the mirror to examine the damage that I have done to my body.  I lay around to see what my husband might be seeing, lol lol  HOT MESS I KNOW

I need one of those glass front ice boxes at my house.  Fruits Veggies etc. take up a lot of room. Wayy more than those two little drawers in most fridges give you.  I want to be able to spread all my stuff out.

Why is caloric tracking so damn wonky? You can have on three different devices and they all say something different and you can just give up when it comes to weight lifting.

Speaking of, I still don’t know how folks are getting such high caloric burns on Instagram?  1500 1700 I am reaching my prime heart rate or whatever and I just don’t pull those numbers.  Maybe I need to work out while having one of them strapped to my back, lol

I guess I need to begin to think about some big public display of fitness

The Fan Chronicles – The Collector

Soo as tired as I am, I found time to look at my new MIchael Jackson book I acquired from a recent conference I attended (that will be blogged about shortly).  It made me think about (1) my love Michael and (2) the Collector.

Around my parts, I am identified as the number one Michael Jackson fan. I smile and nod and take the compliment, while inside I can be (given the time) quite tortured by the fact that I am NOT his number one fan. I could take some people to some places on this big ole internet that would make them afraid, lol lol I fancy myself in the upper echelon of Jackson Fans, but to really feel like that myself – I need to UP MY GAME! I need a room that I can use for my stuff. It needs to be out. I need to get me a freaking glove! I need some wall stuff. I need to go to JAPAN to get some of the good stuff! I am a diligent fan, I am a respectful fan and I am a collector of all things Mike.

If you’ve never been a fan of someone or something or some team, then this whole concept can be quite hard to grasp. There are folks who like things as in “I really like football” but then there are fans, such as say my husband, ‘who owns merchandise, who speaks fondly of, and will cuss you out’ about the Lakers. I think all of us have several different likes in the world of pop culture – but there are only pockets of people who truly are into being a fan.

The part of being a fan I’d like to expound upon today, concerns the….COLLECTOR

I know of people who collect solely all of MJ’s music. I’ve seen pictures from someone who has like 25 copies of Thriller, then additional copies of remixes, spin offs, International releases etc. etc. There are those that collect imagery of MJ. They just have thousands maybe even hundreds of thousands of pictures of him. There are those of us who collect a little bit of it all.

We all collect for different reasons as well. Some collect because the items might be worth something. They will buy 2 dolls, one to open and one to remain mint in the box. Others just like having things around that remind them of the person/thing/team etc. they are a fan of.

I collect items that incorporate Mike into my every day life. Nothing is off limits and I like to touch and enjoy all of the things I have. My items remind me of him and allow me to have him with me on a daily basis, if I so choose. After his death, I knew that there would be a market for items, so a part of my goal is to obtain things outside the scope of a normal collector. It didn’t have to be big or expensive, but imagine the feeling when I walked into the Largest Apple store in my community with my Iphone decked out in Mike!! That was fire!

I’ve also started ‘collecting’ photographs. There are so many great pictures of Mike and his Family at my disposal. I just collect them on my computer and will run a slide show at any given time to just examine the pictures and bring them to life in my mind. I want to take it even farther and actually print them out so I can hold them, lol I have several already – and in 2011 will try to get more out of the computer and in my hand.

I daydream sometimes about not having financial constrictions and being able to really ‘collect’ you know like folks who scour the earth for fine art etc. Michael is art to me and there are things and items out in this world that you can own that makes that very clear to you. I can see myself walking along some street in Japan and coming upon a little shop that has a whole shelf with just Michael merchandising. I can bring it even closer to something that might come true for me in 2011 – walking in Harlem, NY and coming across a street vendor who has his Mike wares displayed.

Even the most extreme collector is not crazy or should be feared. Folks spend their money on what they want to. I budget for my Mike acquisitions and even if it takes me a minute – if I set my eyes on something, I will get it.

So the next time you encounter a fan who collects, or even if you see me jumping around about some item I MUST have or just got in – don’t fret – we just being a FAN.

Energy

 

At this point in my life, I am VERY concerned about the type of energy I have around me.  The more I discover who I am and learn about how I came to be – it becomes more and more important that I take care of my spirit.

It’s interesting because all throughout my life, I’m finding out, I have been trying to do that by ‘disappearing’ not physically but mentally.  It’s like I know how to put a force field around me to block.  It’s been misconstrued as me being distant, or mean, or whatever – but it has basically helped me survive.

When I pull away, block, delete, stop talking to etc. these are not decisions that have been influenced by anyone else – I am fully aware of my actions.  I know that I am an absorber, my pores are open and they suck in all kinds of energy floating around in the air.  I know that I keep a full house of tenants in my head, so I have to decide who/what I have a vacancy for and who/what I don’t.  It’s been shaky trying to come to this understanding.  I’ve made some rash judgments – but surprisingly I don’t cop to making some wrong ones.  The only wrongs I will say is when I have removed the energy source, been convinced to let it back in and then wish I hadn’t.

Now in my late forties, I’ve made some progress.  I truly believe I have surrounded myself in my inner circle with the people/events/places that lend themselves to keeping my energy and spirit uplifted.  I move about in the world much easier, however, I am still attracted to the bright lights of the big city so to speak.  I just refuse to accept that I am just a country girl, with a country twang, looking to make lemonade and sit on the porch.  Those bright city lights be calling me, lol  Only to realize that it just is not the energy I want.  I am a person who needs specific people, places and things around me.  My view of the world is wide, but my belief in it’s trappings are jaded.  If I could only learn how to let folks live and still feel like I can be me.

The truth is that is probably the main issue I have in relating to some of my family, I always feel like I’m sucked up in situations that are not me and my vocal cords constrict and my body shuts down and I am just stumped.  I’ve gotten better in some situations, but others I just run away from because it just clashes so bad.  I don’t consider it judging, I just consider it not me.

My friend told me that one of the joys of talking to and with me is that my energy lifts him up every time we talk.  That’s what I strive for and that’s what I get from the energy I am surrounding myself with now.

Deeper Love

Colored’s kill me more often than not!!  For a group of people who stay prostrate begging and pleading for forgiveness, redemption and a chance to repent – we sure are picky about who we decide deserves another ‘chance’.

Exactly when was it decided that people can’t walk the fine line between brilliance and ignorance?  So what lil Wayne has ‘acted’ as if he has not the common sense God gave him, that does not mean that he is not capable of looking outside of his life and seeing things.  Hell with that many kids, he ought to be able to talk about all kinds of relationship things, lol  Are we mad cause it reeks of……Tupac, except he’s not fine enough for us to accept the duality?

I have said before that I had to learn how to love.  When I look back, we grew up in and learned all kinds of things but I can say for me, I did not learn the fundamentals of ‘How to Love’.   I learned how to embrace responsibility, I learned how to recite, I learned the role of a wife and mother, but I just didn’t get that love thing or how a man and woman did the dance of love.  Having my daughter was the catalyst for me learning how to love and  I can also now say, that I didn’t always get that right.

However, I have always understood the conceptual experience of Love.  I found it for the first time with Michael Jackson and that love has been a glowing heat in my chest for my whole life.  In my adulthood, I have not felt that I’ve been in love but once, especially when I look back.  I have been in like, I have been in obligation,  I have been in desperation, but what I understood to be the feeling associated with love once you strip away all of the bullshit, I have not….until now.  I also say that about the concept of How to Love.  I haven’t been in a full fledge day to day experience of the art of Loving another human (as in two adults) until now.

As we know, a whole lot of weight is placed on the inclusion of a Father in a child’s life and the consequences if they are not.  We don’t really speak about the fact that also very important to a child is the opportunity to learn HOW to love not just to EXPERIENCE love.  So though I had a Father in my life, I ultimately came out just as fucked up as a woman who didn’t when it comes to…LOVE.

So here I am with a girl child.  I decided to live my life, outside the scope of her sight, so she saw shadows and glimpses of How to Love, but to be quite honest, there wasn’t a lot of bonafide healthy situations that she could look at to start to form thoughts and opinions about how she would like to be loved one day, or love someone.  So imagine me in the dark of night on my knees, tears streaming thanking God for sending me someone at such a pivotal time in my child’s life that could show her (hell and me) How to Love.  Love is about speaking, listening, touching, helping, buffering, lifting, blocking, pulling, pushing, and even more.  It’s this other being that comes out of you, when your first inclination is to fight for self.  It actually is something that you have to see for yourself to believe it even really exists.  The purest form of it usually comes as a rainbow after despair.

I am most confident, that RG has put a strong visual in the Teenagers head, bringing all the movies, books, and vivid imagination of an impressionable teenager to light. I feel totally confident in letting her out in the world as a candidate to give and receive love.

For myself, falling and being in love with RG is like earning my Masters.  I had to earn my Bachelors the good old fashion way and I appreciate the fact that I had to first get my undergraduate work done, to even qualify for the Masters.   I am well on my way to my Ph D.  That kind of intense study and creation of a thesis is where I was trying to go.

 

Wonderful Wondering

(I have been so busy that my mind is exploding with randomness – I don’t have the bandwidth to get deep on no Saturday night so here is DAY THREE of the 31 Day Blog Challenge – ENJOY!)

I wonder….

If a life in the bush where I worked alongside women I knew and loved, with a precious baby attached to my back, grinding mill, tending my garden, doing ritual dances would be a better life?

If I could just take one week to do exactly what I wanted to do, would I even know what that would be?

What it would have been like if he were still alive?

If I might leave Facebook one day

Will I get to see the Jacksons again

If there will be a next lifetime?

Who leaving next?

Will I really lose this stomach?

If we had been taught to love one another in addition to God, where we would be today?

Will there come a point in my life when that which is bundled up inside will plant and grow like the artificial garden at Disney?

If we were to become extremely rich, would the pain of saying no, cause the win to be bitter sweet.

If we could get Girlfriends, the Movie? Let’s be honest, they are not doing anything.

When my husband’s Ex will move on with her life?

At what point did Prince lose me with his abundance of ‘creativity’?

When I will start back editing my book?

How I can get me a gay husband?

Where my appendix is?

night. It would help my sugars greatly.

If I will ever become a confident driver?

If I will get a little more of what I want?