I’m going through one of my ‘annoyed at humans’ period, lol  They are not as bad as they used to be, lol

Usually, more than likely, I am aware of the power of punctuation so saying that, unless I end something with a question mark (?), or word it in such a way as to come across as a request, I’m not looking for answers or solutions, I am just being vocal. 

I miss my bonus daughter

Last night as I lay in bed, it crossed my mind that what makes this particular situation different is that there’s really no fighting for the relationship (not related to the blurb above).  It is frighteningly easy to just live life with no thought of them and a feeling that they can live life with no thought either. I have gone years with no real concrete thoughts or feelings about people and I’m sure they have done the same.  How I know this is not right is that there are people in my life where I can’t go 15 minutes without thoughts of them.  I got sad, but life goes on.  

I’m ok with the thought that my daughter might be married in the next few years.  I do know I’m probably going to have to get some others on board, at minimum, in understanding the process.

I’m mad that I have to give the entire Will Downing Musical library to one relationship, lol  I can’t even bring any of the songs to my present because they all bring up the same person and the same situation. Damn!  

That’s ok, we have KEM all to ourselves, lol

One of the main reasons why a lottery win would be so beautiful is actually not the financial let up, but the ability to take time to travel this entire planet that God gave us and experience it with my husband. Friends and family would join us on and off, but I would love and dream of first classing it all over the world with my man.

If I were to win, I would have a web series chronicling it.  I wouldn’t freak out and decide to go all ghost etc.  I would bring folks into it.

I miss MIchael Jackson

I’ve seen and felt the shade thrown at me about a number of things..don’t think I haven’t.

I’m a whiner, I know this, I acknowledge this and if something arises to give me reign to whine (like this tooth ache) I’m taking it and run with it, lol

Pop culture is important to me.  It always has been.  I take it somewhat seriously and enjoy digging and searching and sharing and surprisingly I have scooped some of the bigger blogs.  

I wish I could start my facebook page all over again..sigh

I was going to do this long drawn out explanation as to my love affair with the television, but then I really was like, who exactly do I owe this explanation to. I’m really not concerned with how or what folks feel about me and my television, lol lol  folks were starting to rent space in my head that could be filled with some good TV, lol

Fuck a whole bunch of people, places and things, lol lol

The gym is making me feel strong and helping me have deep breaths and walk longer and faster.  

I’m glad to be back reading socially.  It’s taken awhile, but I’m back.

I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin, with my own self and the things that make me happy. I am spending less time in my head going over stuff and more time just flowing.  I think I am doing a great job at changing my story and re-looking at stuff and lessening the stress in my life.  I feel I am in the doorway of self peace.

I am beginning to like the fact that I’m interesting to me and that’s pretty much all that matters. I have all these sparks of excitement riding side by side with doing absolutely NOTHING, lol It’s who I am – I am great at being medium.  That takes a lot of pressure off of me.  Now I’m sure the ‘life is more and perfect’ warriors will be in an uproar (lol) but I spend time with me, I know me and I journey as me and tapping into some of me has allowed me to be receptive to the good and the bad – stressing myself out all the time to be someone I’m not is over.  I’m just gonna be…ME.

On February 5th, I had a two hour conversation with someone.  After that conversation, I went over the rocky journey (this part of it) and came to the thought process that what I got from this bout of turmoil was an understanding of…compassion.  I have always admired my daughter for her compassion but I became aware of the emotion just recently.  Having compassion allowed me to get to the point to pick up the phone, in spite of, because as I learn about myself, I learn about others. I had time to take a seat and listen to the message.  I picked up that phone with a different idea and it will allow me to continue to pick up the phone on my terms for my reasons.  We’ve spoken through other mediums a few times.  I’ve always said and maintained that “I am not a savage or being disrespectful – I’m trying to be a stronger me, so that it can be about we”  I’m well on my way.

I remember like it was yesterday our first date – we met at Phiipps Plaza here in Atlanta because he worked at Macy’s at the time.  We were going to see “Last Holiday” with Queen Latifah.  My very first thought when he came up the escalator? “My he has a huge head” LOL

He admitted to me a couple years into the relationship, that the very first time he visited my home he stopped at the drug store and bought new socks because his were STANKIN.  He hasn’t stopped and gotten new socks for my benefit since then, lol lol

The first time he called my office, he listened to my message and immediately knew that I was mocking Big Red from the Five Heartbeats..

I’ve been proposed to three times in my life and two of those times the men were unclothed.

I have vacationed more with him than anyone else..ever.

On a major level, we don’t have a whole lot of activities we enjoy in common but on a deeper emotional level we share A LOT and that makes us able to share activities.

Marriage is a VERB. it’s all the way an action item in your life. It’s a MUSCLE that needs to actively be exercised or it will lose it’s bulk and become weak.

We both agree we met at the correct time because if we had of met earlier, we would be supporting like 5 kids, lol

My daughter said that I got married six years ago, but she got ‘married’ three years ago.  That is a powerful statement and I believe her.  One of the best things I ever did was fight for that relationship to evolve at it’s own pace in the way it was suppose to develop and not how folks thought it should.  By not placing demands on what she should call him, tell him, experience with him allowed both of them to make their own relationship.

My ability to meal plan and cook was and is a HUGE thing that keeps him coming back for more.

The honeymoon does move on and you will meet each other naked, bare, wet and trembling.

Not arguing is NOT healthy – have a spat and encourage independent opinions, feelings and thoughts.

I have been submissive and not because I was told to, but because I wanted to be for the good of the relationship at that time.

This past year has been the year that I have thought five times before I spoke and nine times out of ten after that I’ve SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Keep the good memories in a pocket in your heart at all times. Having these at your disposal to pull upon can be a life saver.

PAY ATTENTION

Don’t ever assume anything.

Ultimately everyone is responsible for themselves and they make moves and decisions for themselves first and you second.

It’s perfectly ok to say I’m sorry.

Believe your own hype about your relationship – there’s no use in tearing it down because eventually you will believe that.

Keep each other responsible for being in the relationship.

It is very hard not to bring the past into the present, you have to work at noticing it, acknowledging it and then putting that shit back up in your closet pronto.

Live, Laugh Love…

I can’t remember when exactly I fell i love with my husband, but I fall in love with him ever so often all the time. It’s a continuous, natural feeling.

Not being particularly fond of your mate is a natural feeling as well.

I guess all in all Marriage is work, it is not a magic potion that cures your ills, you or anything else, it is a process that has to be touched everyday, it can work – even in this world we live in, if you want it you can have it.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

It has also sparked comments and what not from that part of the human race that can’t imagine this happening to them or just in a state of mystification as to how this can actually happen and of course that the folks this happens to must be off their rocker to begin with.

Well I don’t consider myself to be any more or less unstable than the next person; but I do have the distinction of not having dated offline in like 8 years and having a relationship with someone who ultimately I never met.  It’s not a full blown Catfish story, but the fact I never met them face to face and considered myself ‘involved’ does put it in the ball park.

How We Met

I was working as an English Teacher at PCDI. (that was a cool job).  You’ve heard of them, you can work on Jr. college level or HS programs in the comfort of your own home. Well I was one of the folks you called, to talk about your lesson or get help etc. etc.  He called in and his voice had me melting in my seat!!!  OMG!  It was this perfect blend of sexy, fine and radio late night. Being my personality, we just clicked, I helped him and he began calling back requesting me. That’s how it all began.

Taking It Out The Classroom

At some point he asked for my personal number and breaking some if not ALL of the rules of engagement, I gave it to him.  We began speaking in the evening for hours on end.  At the time I wasn’t dating anyone and having someone to converse with that was funny, etc. was great.  He was so interesting. He was in a go-go band, he had this active life and he could make me laugh.  Now this was before your smart phones and Facebook and basically, outside of say AOL, all mediums where you could validate the authenticity of someone and what they were saying.  Basically, this was during the period where folks actually used ‘chat lines’ (this was around 97 or so).

How it became a ‘relationship’

It just became this regular part of our lives.  We spoke a couple times a day, we would sit down in our respective spaces and have dinner together, he would do a show and put me on speaker phone so i could hear his solo’s or his practices, he asked the necessary questions that you would ask if you were ‘dating’ someone.  He cared about my well being. We argued, we laughed, we made plans, we dreamed…together.

Were we intimate?

Yep – you can use your imagination there, lol

Did I ever ‘see’ Him?

Actually, we also wrote each other, so we talked on the phone and wrote.  I sent him some pictures (because he didn’t know what I looked like either) and I remember he sent me his work ID (LOL) that had his picture.  He was not unattractive.

Were we going to meet?

You know in a weird kinda way, it wasn’t overly discussed. I think we ‘attempted’ to meet like twice and he was the one who backed out.  I was upset both times.

How did it end?

Somewhere in there, it got to be tiresome arranging my life around the phone, not ever having an in person man to take me to the movies etc. etc.  During this time, I had switched jobs to working at City Hall.  This job exposed me to all kinds of people in person all day long. A nice looking fireman started hanging around my desk and it provided the in person stimulation I had started to crave and so as my interest for him grew, my patience with my phone boyfriend lessened.  By the time I went on two dates with fireman, I told phone boyfriend about it and decided that I needed to focus more on the real possibility and not the imagined one.  I chose to cut off all communication. IT HURT and I went through the same process you go through if you break up with anyone.

How long did this last?

I can’t remember exactly but somewhere in the 9 months to 1 year period of time.

How did I get in this situation?

Well it tapped into my feeling that I couldn’t attract a man just based on my looks.  I had always believed that I had way more personality and if a man could ‘see’ that, the rest would follow. All of the ‘meet before you greet’ mediums appealed to me.  I also had a small child at the time, and it was a way to carry on my life while maintaining my role as a mom.  I never assumed he was in it for some mean reason and I still don’t think that to this day. Talking and relating to folks comes on different levels. My whole stint in that world up until meeting my husband has been one of the most interesting aspects of my life.  I learned A LOT about men and what makes them tick and it really got me in tune to the quieter more introspective side of the species.  So ultimately you could say (if you are trying to be snarky) that me having low self esteem when it came to attracting to men, made me a prime candidate for this type of thing.

Did you EVER meet the man?

Nope, lol  however, I ran into him on Facebook and I wrote him privately and he remembered me (cause hey who knows, lol) We had a few laughs and kept it moving.

I almost burst into tears I was so excited to be walking the aisles of Publix actually buying something that wasn’t all about volume.

Shouldn’t Sharon Osborne be mentioning that she had a bypass in her Atkins Commercial?  Like say that she used Atkins in addition to the surgery?  hmmmm

Now can the countdown to Walking Dead begin?!?!

I took a VERY good course called “Crucial Conversations” and it really gave me things to think about and look at.  I intend to use the concept more often.

It’s weird that I have all these skills but suddenly I feel like I have none.

There is no better feeling than that of a new craft.  Turning a pile of something into something that brings you joy because of it’s beauty…wow.  I can’t wait to roll this out.

Just when the entire thing is tipping over and life is sliding forward, there is this gentle wind that blows it back..I am beginning to understand….God.

I  wish the Django dolls were out when I was younger – I would have liked a rough around the edges black man for my Barbie instead of the smooth around the edges love of the Ivory Bottle that she actually ended up having to marry.

Since we made it our business to find smaller restaurants to eat at, I get hankerings for big box meals, lol lol  Right now it’s Red Lobster!  I want some stuff mushrooms NOW!!

I bet someone could create a quite fulfilling social life just using Groupon, Half Off Depot etc.

I am still trying to figure out who to replace Kenya Moore with on my girl crush list. I need to try to remember WHY she was on it.  the only person worthy of such a title is Rupaul, lol

My MJ 2013 year has began slow but the kickoff has been meaningful.  I need to make my list of possible additions to my collection and why kind of way I can be engaged with others as we celebrate.

I found some old CD’s from back in the day, One in particular “Pam’s Groove 5 year 2005″ has had me hollaring.  Good music though – good music.

I think that I have created a hair texture that was not originally coming out of my head through the use of product and care.  If a dude can continuously brush waves in his hair until he eventually has them – why can’t you develop your texture as a natural?  I didn’t have this texture as a child, i might have worn it if I had, lol

Speaking of..has the transition to Natural become the new “are you pregnant?”  What I mean is – when you see someone who seems to be going natural, do you ask?  Maybe they just haven’t gotten around to getting to the hair dresser?  LOL  I guess you just have to wait until either they speak OR you see a style that is in the Natural hair playbook to confirm.

I really like Instagram, but I find it disturbing how negative and evil folks can be towards celebrities.  It really has given me a peep into life on the other side.  You do have to be a special kinda strong because you are going to be vilified.

I can’t wait for my new glasses to come in – this idea was a great discovery in being bold with my look but if I push these up on my nose one more damn time!!!!

I really think I’m beginning pre-menopause.

I’m keeping this hair so that when I cut it down this color will be gone. I was not impressed and want to go back to my blonde/brown color.

I have got to get a hold of my diet.  It’s right at the cusp of tipping over and I refuse to go all the way back there.  I refuse!!

Looking around..yea we have officially moved all the way in, lol lol

As soon as I get back into a space of financial security, my entire family is going on a sock and drawers run!!!

My friend told me to get some sage to balance out my home – next grocery trip that’s on the list.

I need to pull out all the hidden TO DO lists I’ve developed over the years and DO SOMETHING off each one.

The summer at this house is going to be beautiful.

This situation did confirm that there is just no three dimensional connection and I’m ok with that.  It’s better to live in this reality and be responsible for your own current than pretend there’s suppose to be this natural one running no matter what.  Nah there’s no truth in that.

Now that Facebook for the most part serves as a receptacle for recycled quotes, pseudo perfection, religious psychobabble, business advertisements and sly ‘words of wisdom’ that put others down – I am removing several layers of myself from the fray.  I’m going to keep it light, irrelevant and surface.

Speaking of..I am not necessarily sure as to why this influx of all these ‘words of wisdom’ day in and day out are pissing me the hell off, lol  I think because it provides such a screen.  I don’t have random folks on my page. The majority of  the folks I know personally or somewhat personally, so to have my page change from real interaction to this makes the space different.  It’s interesting how as a people we take pride in the survival, villiage concept but our mentality is just the way the slave master wanted it to be.  We stay thinking someone is using our lives against us, talking about us behind our back and trying to use what we got to get what they want.  So we hide behind this type of thing.  We stay paranoid.  Unfortunately, the sad part is that there are those folks whose full time job it is to try to destroy us.  I just can’t imagine that they win so often.

I am really looking more and more at the concept of who is actually invested in Pamela and who Pamela is truly invested in.  There takes a bit of  honesty on my part because I have struggled with admitting that I’m just not invested or I invest to much and am disappointed when the ROI is much lower than I expected. I understand that there are varying levels of investment and that everyone doesn’t and can’t be totally invested in you (that’s not fair) and it takes all kinds.  I think this is the way I’m taking stock and readjusting accordingly.  I’m pulling back when it comes to friends and opening new portals as well.  There are very few who are really invested in the light and dark Pam.  I also realize that I have probably worn some folks out, lol  I know  I have.  If I say something to you and you pull out all the light weight stuff and consistently leave the heavy stuff on the table – I’m hearing you and I will stop giving it to you to ignore.  It’s ok, I expect you to do the same.

It might seem that I’m in a dark place, but actually I feel more light than I’ve ever felt.  I have been faking this ulta-happiness for so long, because there was never any room for me to be dark. It was frowned upon from a little girl.  I think that might be one reason why the ‘signs’ piss me off as well.  IT’S NOT ALL HAPPY, IT WON’T ALL WORK, THE SUN DOES NOT ALWAYS SHINE!!  There’s a great balance to it all.  I am finding balance.  When I’m happy, I’m happy when I’m not..I’m not.  Sometimes they are not equal but the feeling of having feelings is great.

I’m reading a book, “Don’t Let Me Die In A Motel Six or One Woman’s Struggle Through The Great Depression”  It’s the story of a woman who went from living quite comfortably and somewhat recklessly to losing her job with the collapse of the housing market and basically being broke, somewhat homeless etc.  It’s told with a snarky wit that has made me laugh aloud and the story has come right on time seeing as I am pretty much feeling it from all ends financially.  She speaks what folks don’t want to hear.  She whines about being broke, she places blame, she wallows in self pity – she has become my new friend, lol  There was a part of her story where she’s living in a bad motel with her daughter and she’s thinking of how there’s just no ‘help.  She talks about how her family is all living their lives and how sad she is that they have no back up for each other. They were raised living pillar to post so there is nothing in place emotionally where if one is hurting or struggling there is a concerted effort to assist. She sees families where they have each others back and it makes her sad……I can relate.   This is a recommended book.

I really am sad that the situation went the way it did.  Though I never thought the motive was genuine, there was possibility until it was realized that there was none.  I couldn’t with good mind let it continue to disrupt and impact my circle of peace.  All kinds of lessons and teaching moments ultimately did come out of it – just for the person who wasn’t looking at the time.  So all in all it wasn’t a complete failure.

It’s funny, I’ve felt I was grown a long time, but 2012 was the year I became an adult and 2013 is when I’m about to add the great moniker GROWN ASS to the whole picture.

In the wee hours of  the morning, I had a moment of GASP failure.  I say gasp because me admitting it (on facebook, no less) you would have thought I admitted to some major crime.  It started streaming in ‘you are not a failure’ ‘I’m glad you took that down because that wasn’t making you look..good”  I had to let that marinate because my first instinct in general (not necessarily at the people in question) was ‘I have a right to admit failure – it’s a part of the process”  what the hell is wrong these days with admitting (1) you failed and/or (2) you fucked up.

I remember when the thought process began to change.  When I was little there were no number 2′s.  Either you won or you loss.  There were no programs where everyone got a trophy because we are all ‘winners’.  It was common knowledge that you had to work hard because everyone didn’t win, so in order to be in the winner circle you had to (1) be diligent to get there and (2) know, understand and acknowledge what failure looks like so that you can have a comparison.

I am still of that school of thought.  Everyone is not going to make it.  There are levels of making it.  At certain points and times you are going to fail BIG TIME.  Acknowledging that could be a great stepping stone to getting some clarity and relooking at the situation.

Let me let you in on a little secret.  I have FAILED at a whole heap of shit!!  Some things at varying degrees and some things majorly.  I have failed TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY at the game of finances. There’s no pussy footing around that. You can ask all my creditors, my bank and my payroll office – I HAVE FAILED!!  I have failed at familial interpersonal relationships.  On a lesser level than what I would call major but it’s been one big pile of heaping failure.

When folks win, there’s this closing off of the circle of win you live in that space and that’s why it’s so devastating when that person loses.  The beauty of failure is that it’s opened ended, there is always a moment to reverse it and the feeling associated with that is almost always good. (except say a HIV status or a pregnancy result – you get my drift).

Part of the process (for me) as I strive to get to my authentic self is to stop acting as if all of this stuff and these things have happened by osmosis.  No, I have fucked up.  I have at some points and time put myself in situations that only by the grace of God I have come out of.  I am peeling apart the steel rods that I have placed in my back, that keep me stiff and hold me up and I am allowing my back to curve and sway and then rebuilding it with real strength and conviction.

So you know what – I have and will say it again.  I will look in the mirror at times in my life and say “Pam you have failed” it has a way of helping you clear the slate of the process that got you to that point and hopefully some type of clarity will surface and you ‘see’ a new way to do it.  That’s what actually happened, every path I had taken ended up at dead end.  I totally couldn’t see – that stuff was FAILING.  It was overpowering me and I had to say it to make it real so that I could then see again.  I got the clarity I needed and the answer to solve the problem, literally just came into focus.

Failure is not supposed to be this happy moment that our young people have been convinced it is.  you know, ‘oh ok I didn’t win, but it’s ok, Coach gives out a trophy to everyone”  or “Oh I failed, but my mom is going to get it all worked out for me”.  Nah it really doesn’t happen like that.

So though I appreciate the concern and I do believe that concern was real…it won’t be the last time I call myself a failure – I do know where I won’t do it anymore though, lol

“We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad.” 
― John Green

Death is not familiar to me.  The last time it came to my doorstep was 19 years ago.(I will leave Michael Jackson out of this particular conversation)  I remember it burst through my door, interrupting my life and leaving it’s mess around trying to soil the fabric of my life.  

Yesterday it dawned my doorstep again and though it had the nerve to make a reservation it still came as an intrusion, demanding my attention.  

I’m an interesting soul.  I rarely grieve for myself in full, I tend to project and absorb the feeling of grief as it affects others. So my words through my tears are more likely to be, how can they go on without their dad as opposed to I am going to xyz. 

So living in the space I live in now, I allowed it to do what it does.  I opened my arms and encircled all the people this would affect the most.  Surprisingly there’s sadness, but acceptance.  Everyone is doing exceptionally well.  

The reflection has been great, the memories sharp and that’s the way it should be.  At our burials we pass out peppermints so that we can remember the good things and have a good taste in our mouths as we remember that person. 

I’m sure the winds of grief has not left us and when we least expect it it will blow in knocking us down in submission to it’s will, but our belief in God is what will get us off our knees and looking towards the sun..it is our belief that get us off our knees.

I say farewell to a man who added such vibrant, colorful threads to the fabric of so many lives, when we get up off our knees and look to the sun, we will certainly see your smile.

I’ve learned without a shadow of a doubt from being on both sides of the saying that “people take solace in knowing your life isn’t perfect, but they don’t want to hear about it”

I see people alive after horrible diagnosis and wish all we are gonna end up with wasn’t a funeral..

At some point my Facebook world went from being a deep novel to an online magazine full of pop up ads…starting to look for the next social media hot spot.

I really am going to be cognizant of how much of myself I give to folks.  I won’t really be in the ‘counseling’ business in 2013. I got burned bad this past year and totally misread a relationship, but when the table was upright and turned – I was left to wave in the wind…nah won’t be doing that again.

I wonder what the real uproar is about Shawty Lo, is it his situation or that it’s going to be shown on television.  His situation is surely not some kind of outside the norm in our community, Take away half the moms and hell you have my Father, lol lol From what I can gather, he claims them all, he takes care of them, they know and love him and he (I think) is trying to keep his family together.  Instead of the ‘oh I’m so ashamed’ conversation – it should be sparking the real conversation of our community, our sex, our babies and all these wayward families we got out here.

I am amazed at how much ‘reality’ lives and breathes in Atlanta, lol lol 

I’m glad I saw Django if for no other reason than the addition to my husband and my daily conversation of “what is that nigga doing on a horse?”  all variations of that and in every modern day situation we can think of, lol lol lol 

I’m still waiting on the mature one of the bunch.

I’m going to keep my promises more.

I might add another person to my one way trying to maintain relationsihps

I am thankful that I’m so complex. I can swing effortlessly (in my opinion) through all kinds of topics, conversations, feelings and what not.  It keeps my mind sharp.

I swear fo God I’m going to watch less TV this year.

I am quite excited about the bubbling up of this newest creative endeavor.

I am SOOO filing for Bankruptcy as soon as I am able.  

If the fiscal cliff happens consider me laid out on the rocks at the bottom.

I won’t be adding me to her so much in 2013 she carries a lot as the conduit to keeping us all in the loop.

Last Year the Jacksons gave me sooo much joy and I have a feeling this year will be a pretty good one in the world of the Jacksons as well.  I can’t wait.  

I actually am still kinda to the left about how ‘ugly’ Kenya Moore turned out to be, lol  I know I know but it is just so….wow.

How come I knew all about Shirley Franklin’s tenure at mayor of Atlanta, but I don’t know what Kasim Reed is doing.

MLK Bday and the inauguration are the same day – oh joy!!

I so want to plan something special for my husbands 45 bday this year.  He deserves it.

I don’t have tuition, God help me.

I started out like six months into 2012 thinking that this year would be about ‘fearlessness’ but I see I still need to work on something else, so it will carry on into this year.  THIS WILL BE THE LAST YEAR MOTHERFUCKERS TRY TO DICTATE HOW I FEEL, WHAT I SAY AND HOW I ACT THUS THIS WILL BE THE LAST YEAR I ALLOW FOLKS TO DO THAT.  

I don’t know what it is about me that makes folks think that they can just keep me jumping through hoops for their benefit.  I really need to figure that out.  On some level I can’t believe that I am still dealing with ‘voice’ issues but apparently, I haven’t been clear enough in demonstrating that those days are over.

If I express discontent, anger, bitterness, etc.  folks all up in the mix trying to sway me in another direction.  MY ENTIRE LIFE…I have been put into this box where you need not say, feel, or think anything but what is told to you, what others feel is appropriate and how others have decided you should act.  UM NO MAM and NO SIR!!  Not this year.

This doesn’t have to be about being violent, or ugly, or combative but I need to BE ME!! If at the time that’s some evil bitch then so be it, or if it’s this silly young feeling nymph then so be that.

I have gotten to the point where I’m tired of it.  If I don’t want to have a person in my sphere, they are not going to be, if I don’t feel a certain way about something then I won’t.  If something is my personal belief and it doesn’t mesh with others then so be it.

I see this year being real revealing on a whole bunch of levels. I ended the year with a whole bunch of stuff on my chest because in some cases it was the right thing to do – I’m actually a much more edgy person than I tend to project and 2013 would be a good time to merge both the twins more often.

• I am lazy as fuck..yea it’s true – I really don’t want to admit it, but nine times out of ten I’m not trying to do shit..
• I absolutely love watching TV – I don’t remember watching it a whole lot as a child or young adult but now, I’m so hooked sigh…
• I enjoy cursing and I use the N word, yea I do – it adds spark and fire to almost any conversation BUT I can cut it on and off at will.  
• I’m a side kick/passenger type of person in almost all I do.  I feel comfortable being the support.
• I like schedules – I like to follow them – when they are missing – I need to get one stat….
• I have anxiety/worry and stress issues and sometimes they spiral into depression…..
• I have the wonderful gift of story telling and love painting mental pictures with my words either via verbal or written means…..
• I daydream as a coping skill….
• I am ALOT stronger than I ever imagined…..
• I have a wonderful smile…
• I am a deep feeling person….
• I have the capacity for tears of joy and pain….
• I am quite creative but it comes in waves…
• I prefer to be free giving of my creativity….
• I am not good at the ‘requirements’ of family….
• I say I don’t like or run away from things purely out of fear….
• I can be quite inconsistent with my interactions…..
• I actually have quite a few body parts that are quite attractive….
• I enjoy porn from time to time…
• I am quite a sexual being….
• I live in ‘spurts’ of emotion….
• I am a pretty damn good mother….
• I don’t enjoy being alone as much as I used to be….
• I am blind as a damn bat…..
• I do need people….
• Organized religion does nothing for me in my adult life…
• I’m actually not as mean as I’ve been called often enough to begin to believe…
• I am capable of growing, learning, accepting responsibility and doing the ‘work’…

This might not seem like the most positive New Year list, but it actually is because the quicker I get into who I am, the quicker I can make adjustments and changes to live a full life yah dig?