Life is But…

So King Bey is back to take over her spot.  Afer watching her documentary, the one thing I identify with her with is the way she loves her man.  It can be difficult to feel that way as a woman and express it because of all the stigmas that can be in place among black women about loving your man.  You always seem to have to ‘pretend’ you dig him but you are not “head over loopy I wanna cry cause he made me” in love, lol.  To be that in love does not make you weak.

I’m going through one of my ‘annoyed at humans’ period, lol  They are not as bad as they used to be, lol

Usually, more than likely, I am aware of the power of punctuation so saying that, unless I end something with a question mark (?), or word it in such a way as to come across as a request, I’m not looking for answers or solutions, I am just being vocal. 

I miss my bonus daughter

Last night as I lay in bed, it crossed my mind that what makes this particular situation different is that there’s really no fighting for the relationship (not related to the blurb above).  It is frighteningly easy to just live life with no thought of them and a feeling that they can live life with no thought either. I have gone years with no real concrete thoughts or feelings about people and I’m sure they have done the same.  How I know this is not right is that there are people in my life where I can’t go 15 minutes without thoughts of them.  I got sad, but life goes on.  

I’m ok with the thought that my daughter might be married in the next few years.  I do know I’m probably going to have to get some others on board, at minimum, in understanding the process.

I’m mad that I have to give the entire Will Downing Musical library to one relationship, lol  I can’t even bring any of the songs to my present because they all bring up the same person and the same situation. Damn!  

That’s ok, we have KEM all to ourselves, lol

One of the main reasons why a lottery win would be so beautiful is actually not the financial let up, but the ability to take time to travel this entire planet that God gave us and experience it with my husband. Friends and family would join us on and off, but I would love and dream of first classing it all over the world with my man.

If I were to win, I would have a web series chronicling it.  I wouldn’t freak out and decide to go all ghost etc.  I would bring folks into it.

I miss MIchael Jackson

I’ve seen and felt the shade thrown at me about a number of things..don’t think I haven’t.

I’m a whiner, I know this, I acknowledge this and if something arises to give me reign to whine (like this tooth ache) I’m taking it and run with it, lol

Pop culture is important to me.  It always has been.  I take it somewhat seriously and enjoy digging and searching and sharing and surprisingly I have scooped some of the bigger blogs.  

I wish I could start my facebook page all over again..sigh

I was going to do this long drawn out explanation as to my love affair with the television, but then I really was like, who exactly do I owe this explanation to. I’m really not concerned with how or what folks feel about me and my television, lol lol  folks were starting to rent space in my head that could be filled with some good TV, lol

Fuck a whole bunch of people, places and things, lol lol

The gym is making me feel strong and helping me have deep breaths and walk longer and faster.  

I’m glad to be back reading socially.  It’s taken awhile, but I’m back.

I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin, with my own self and the things that make me happy. I am spending less time in my head going over stuff and more time just flowing.  I think I am doing a great job at changing my story and re-looking at stuff and lessening the stress in my life.  I feel I am in the doorway of self peace.

I am beginning to like the fact that I’m interesting to me and that’s pretty much all that matters. I have all these sparks of excitement riding side by side with doing absolutely NOTHING, lol It’s who I am – I am great at being medium.  That takes a lot of pressure off of me.  Now I’m sure the ‘life is more and perfect’ warriors will be in an uproar (lol) but I spend time with me, I know me and I journey as me and tapping into some of me has allowed me to be receptive to the good and the bad – stressing myself out all the time to be someone I’m not is over.  I’m just gonna be…ME.

On February 5th, I had a two hour conversation with someone.  After that conversation, I went over the rocky journey (this part of it) and came to the thought process that what I got from this bout of turmoil was an understanding of…compassion.  I have always admired my daughter for her compassion but I became aware of the emotion just recently.  Having compassion allowed me to get to the point to pick up the phone, in spite of, because as I learn about myself, I learn about others. I had time to take a seat and listen to the message.  I picked up that phone with a different idea and it will allow me to continue to pick up the phone on my terms for my reasons.  We’ve spoken through other mediums a few times.  I’ve always said and maintained that “I am not a savage or being disrespectful – I’m trying to be a stronger me, so that it can be about we”  I’m well on my way.

It Has Happened In My Life – My ‘Catfish” moment

So, there’s this show on MTV called “Catfish”.  It’s based off this guy Neev’s documentary about him being in an online relationship with someone who turned out to not be who they said they were.  Now what makes this different than say someone saying they are one weight and you meet them they turn out to be another, is that you consider yourself in an actual relationship with the person, there has to be at least six months of communicating and the person has to be totally different such as a boy instead of a girl, another race etc. than all of the pictures or descriptions they have given you.  That show keeps me anxiety ridden.  So far it’s all ended on an OMG level of disappointment and I just feel so sorry for those folks.

It has also sparked comments and what not from that part of the human race that can’t imagine this happening to them or just in a state of mystification as to how this can actually happen and of course that the folks this happens to must be off their rocker to begin with.

Well I don’t consider myself to be any more or less unstable than the next person; but I do have the distinction of not having dated offline in like 8 years and having a relationship with someone who ultimately I never met.  It’s not a full blown Catfish story, but the fact I never met them face to face and considered myself ‘involved’ does put it in the ball park.

How We Met

I was working as an English Teacher at PCDI. (that was a cool job).  You’ve heard of them, you can work on Jr. college level or HS programs in the comfort of your own home. Well I was one of the folks you called, to talk about your lesson or get help etc. etc.  He called in and his voice had me melting in my seat!!!  OMG!  It was this perfect blend of sexy, fine and radio late night. Being my personality, we just clicked, I helped him and he began calling back requesting me. That’s how it all began.

Taking It Out The Classroom

At some point he asked for my personal number and breaking some if not ALL of the rules of engagement, I gave it to him.  We began speaking in the evening for hours on end.  At the time I wasn’t dating anyone and having someone to converse with that was funny, etc. was great.  He was so interesting. He was in a go-go band, he had this active life and he could make me laugh.  Now this was before your smart phones and Facebook and basically, outside of say AOL, all mediums where you could validate the authenticity of someone and what they were saying.  Basically, this was during the period where folks actually used ‘chat lines’ (this was around 97 or so).

How it became a ‘relationship’

It just became this regular part of our lives.  We spoke a couple times a day, we would sit down in our respective spaces and have dinner together, he would do a show and put me on speaker phone so i could hear his solo’s or his practices, he asked the necessary questions that you would ask if you were ‘dating’ someone.  He cared about my well being. We argued, we laughed, we made plans, we dreamed…together.

Were we intimate?

Yep – you can use your imagination there, lol

Did I ever ‘see’ Him?

Actually, we also wrote each other, so we talked on the phone and wrote.  I sent him some pictures (because he didn’t know what I looked like either) and I remember he sent me his work ID (LOL) that had his picture.  He was not unattractive.

Were we going to meet?

You know in a weird kinda way, it wasn’t overly discussed. I think we ‘attempted’ to meet like twice and he was the one who backed out.  I was upset both times.

How did it end?

Somewhere in there, it got to be tiresome arranging my life around the phone, not ever having an in person man to take me to the movies etc. etc.  During this time, I had switched jobs to working at City Hall.  This job exposed me to all kinds of people in person all day long. A nice looking fireman started hanging around my desk and it provided the in person stimulation I had started to crave and so as my interest for him grew, my patience with my phone boyfriend lessened.  By the time I went on two dates with fireman, I told phone boyfriend about it and decided that I needed to focus more on the real possibility and not the imagined one.  I chose to cut off all communication. IT HURT and I went through the same process you go through if you break up with anyone.

How long did this last?

I can’t remember exactly but somewhere in the 9 months to 1 year period of time.

How did I get in this situation?

Well it tapped into my feeling that I couldn’t attract a man just based on my looks.  I had always believed that I had way more personality and if a man could ‘see’ that, the rest would follow. All of the ‘meet before you greet’ mediums appealed to me.  I also had a small child at the time, and it was a way to carry on my life while maintaining my role as a mom.  I never assumed he was in it for some mean reason and I still don’t think that to this day. Talking and relating to folks comes on different levels. My whole stint in that world up until meeting my husband has been one of the most interesting aspects of my life.  I learned A LOT about men and what makes them tick and it really got me in tune to the quieter more introspective side of the species.  So ultimately you could say (if you are trying to be snarky) that me having low self esteem when it came to attracting to men, made me a prime candidate for this type of thing.

Did you EVER meet the man?

Nope, lol  however, I ran into him on Facebook and I wrote him privately and he remembered me (cause hey who knows, lol) We had a few laughs and kept it moving.

The people next door and their fascination with things that go vroom are going to RUN ME CRAZY!!

I almost burst into tears I was so excited to be walking the aisles of Publix actually buying something that wasn’t all about volume.

Shouldn’t Sharon Osborne be mentioning that she had a bypass in her Atkins Commercial?  Like say that she used Atkins in addition to the surgery?  hmmmm

Now can the countdown to Walking Dead begin?!?!

I took a VERY good course called “Crucial Conversations” and it really gave me things to think about and look at.  I intend to use the concept more often.

It’s weird that I have all these skills but suddenly I feel like I have none.

There is no better feeling than that of a new craft.  Turning a pile of something into something that brings you joy because of it’s beauty…wow.  I can’t wait to roll this out.

Just when the entire thing is tipping over and life is sliding forward, there is this gentle wind that blows it back..I am beginning to understand….God.

I  wish the Django dolls were out when I was younger – I would have liked a rough around the edges black man for my Barbie instead of the smooth around the edges love of the Ivory Bottle that she actually ended up having to marry.

Since we made it our business to find smaller restaurants to eat at, I get hankerings for big box meals, lol lol  Right now it’s Red Lobster!  I want some stuff mushrooms NOW!!

I bet someone could create a quite fulfilling social life just using Groupon, Half Off Depot etc.

I am still trying to figure out who to replace Kenya Moore with on my girl crush list. I need to try to remember WHY she was on it.  the only person worthy of such a title is Rupaul, lol

My MJ 2013 year has began slow but the kickoff has been meaningful.  I need to make my list of possible additions to my collection and why kind of way I can be engaged with others as we celebrate.

I found some old CD’s from back in the day, One in particular “Pam’s Groove 5 year 2005″ has had me hollaring.  Good music though – good music.

I think that I have created a hair texture that was not originally coming out of my head through the use of product and care.  If a dude can continuously brush waves in his hair until he eventually has them – why can’t you develop your texture as a natural?  I didn’t have this texture as a child, i might have worn it if I had, lol

Speaking of..has the transition to Natural become the new “are you pregnant?”  What I mean is – when you see someone who seems to be going natural, do you ask?  Maybe they just haven’t gotten around to getting to the hair dresser?  LOL  I guess you just have to wait until either they speak OR you see a style that is in the Natural hair playbook to confirm.

I really like Instagram, but I find it disturbing how negative and evil folks can be towards celebrities.  It really has given me a peep into life on the other side.  You do have to be a special kinda strong because you are going to be vilified.

I can’t wait for my new glasses to come in – this idea was a great discovery in being bold with my look but if I push these up on my nose one more damn time!!!!

I really think I’m beginning pre-menopause.

I’m keeping this hair so that when I cut it down this color will be gone. I was not impressed and want to go back to my blonde/brown color.

I have got to get a hold of my diet.  It’s right at the cusp of tipping over and I refuse to go all the way back there.  I refuse!!

Looking around..yea we have officially moved all the way in, lol lol

As soon as I get back into a space of financial security, my entire family is going on a sock and drawers run!!!

My friend told me to get some sage to balance out my home – next grocery trip that’s on the list.

I need to pull out all the hidden TO DO lists I’ve developed over the years and DO SOMETHING off each one.

The summer at this house is going to be beautiful.

 

Looking Towards The Sun….

 

“We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad.” 
― John Green

Death is not familiar to me.  The last time it came to my doorstep was 19 years ago.(I will leave Michael Jackson out of this particular conversation)  I remember it burst through my door, interrupting my life and leaving it’s mess around trying to soil the fabric of my life.  

Yesterday it dawned my doorstep again and though it had the nerve to make a reservation it still came as an intrusion, demanding my attention.  

I’m an interesting soul.  I rarely grieve for myself in full, I tend to project and absorb the feeling of grief as it affects others. So my words through my tears are more likely to be, how can they go on without their dad as opposed to I am going to xyz. 

So living in the space I live in now, I allowed it to do what it does.  I opened my arms and encircled all the people this would affect the most.  Surprisingly there’s sadness, but acceptance.  Everyone is doing exceptionally well.  

The reflection has been great, the memories sharp and that’s the way it should be.  At our burials we pass out peppermints so that we can remember the good things and have a good taste in our mouths as we remember that person. 

I’m sure the winds of grief has not left us and when we least expect it it will blow in knocking us down in submission to it’s will, but our belief in God is what will get us off our knees and looking towards the sun..it is our belief that get us off our knees.

I say farewell to a man who added such vibrant, colorful threads to the fabric of so many lives, when we get up off our knees and look to the sun, we will certainly see your smile.

 

Collard Greens and Black Eye Peas Thoughts

I can’t wait for the first summer in this house!! It’s going to be fantastic!!

I’ve learned without a shadow of a doubt from being on both sides of the saying that “people take solace in knowing your life isn’t perfect, but they don’t want to hear about it”

I see people alive after horrible diagnosis and wish all we are gonna end up with wasn’t a funeral..

At some point my Facebook world went from being a deep novel to an online magazine full of pop up ads…starting to look for the next social media hot spot.

I really am going to be cognizant of how much of myself I give to folks.  I won’t really be in the ‘counseling’ business in 2013. I got burned bad this past year and totally misread a relationship, but when the table was upright and turned – I was left to wave in the wind…nah won’t be doing that again.

I wonder what the real uproar is about Shawty Lo, is it his situation or that it’s going to be shown on television.  His situation is surely not some kind of outside the norm in our community, Take away half the moms and hell you have my Father, lol lol From what I can gather, he claims them all, he takes care of them, they know and love him and he (I think) is trying to keep his family together.  Instead of the ‘oh I’m so ashamed’ conversation – it should be sparking the real conversation of our community, our sex, our babies and all these wayward families we got out here.

I am amazed at how much ‘reality’ lives and breathes in Atlanta, lol lol 

I’m glad I saw Django if for no other reason than the addition to my husband and my daily conversation of “what is that nigga doing on a horse?”  all variations of that and in every modern day situation we can think of, lol lol lol 

I’m still waiting on the mature one of the bunch.

I’m going to keep my promises more.

I might add another person to my one way trying to maintain relationsihps

I am thankful that I’m so complex. I can swing effortlessly (in my opinion) through all kinds of topics, conversations, feelings and what not.  It keeps my mind sharp.

I swear fo God I’m going to watch less TV this year.

I am quite excited about the bubbling up of this newest creative endeavor.

I am SOOO filing for Bankruptcy as soon as I am able.  

If the fiscal cliff happens consider me laid out on the rocks at the bottom.

I won’t be adding me to her so much in 2013 she carries a lot as the conduit to keeping us all in the loop.

Last Year the Jacksons gave me sooo much joy and I have a feeling this year will be a pretty good one in the world of the Jacksons as well.  I can’t wait.  

I actually am still kinda to the left about how ‘ugly’ Kenya Moore turned out to be, lol  I know I know but it is just so….wow.

How come I knew all about Shirley Franklin’s tenure at mayor of Atlanta, but I don’t know what Kasim Reed is doing.

MLK Bday and the inauguration are the same day – oh joy!!

I so want to plan something special for my husbands 45 bday this year.  He deserves it.

I don’t have tuition, God help me.

Hearing Not None Of It

 

I started out like six months into 2012 thinking that this year would be about ‘fearlessness’ but I see I still need to work on something else, so it will carry on into this year.  THIS WILL BE THE LAST YEAR MOTHERFUCKERS TRY TO DICTATE HOW I FEEL, WHAT I SAY AND HOW I ACT THUS THIS WILL BE THE LAST YEAR I ALLOW FOLKS TO DO THAT.  

I don’t know what it is about me that makes folks think that they can just keep me jumping through hoops for their benefit.  I really need to figure that out.  On some level I can’t believe that I am still dealing with ‘voice’ issues but apparently, I haven’t been clear enough in demonstrating that those days are over.

If I express discontent, anger, bitterness, etc.  folks all up in the mix trying to sway me in another direction.  MY ENTIRE LIFE…I have been put into this box where you need not say, feel, or think anything but what is told to you, what others feel is appropriate and how others have decided you should act.  UM NO MAM and NO SIR!!  Not this year.

This doesn’t have to be about being violent, or ugly, or combative but I need to BE ME!! If at the time that’s some evil bitch then so be it, or if it’s this silly young feeling nymph then so be that.

I have gotten to the point where I’m tired of it.  If I don’t want to have a person in my sphere, they are not going to be, if I don’t feel a certain way about something then I won’t.  If something is my personal belief and it doesn’t mesh with others then so be it.

I see this year being real revealing on a whole bunch of levels. I ended the year with a whole bunch of stuff on my chest because in some cases it was the right thing to do – I’m actually a much more edgy person than I tend to project and 2013 would be a good time to merge both the twins more often.

Finding Self…..

One of the journey’s I took last year (funny saying that) is to really get into who I am good bad and ugly. This might be simple for some folks, but as a person who is prone to the ‘puppet’ syndrome (as in letting others manipulate me at will), identifying myself can sometimes be difficult – but here are some of my traits that make me who I am…..

• I am lazy as fuck..yea it’s true – I really don’t want to admit it, but nine times out of ten I’m not trying to do shit..
• I absolutely love watching TV – I don’t remember watching it a whole lot as a child or young adult but now, I’m so hooked sigh…
• I enjoy cursing and I use the N word, yea I do – it adds spark and fire to almost any conversation BUT I can cut it on and off at will.  
• I’m a side kick/passenger type of person in almost all I do.  I feel comfortable being the support.
• I like schedules – I like to follow them – when they are missing – I need to get one stat….
• I have anxiety/worry and stress issues and sometimes they spiral into depression…..
• I have the wonderful gift of story telling and love painting mental pictures with my words either via verbal or written means…..
• I daydream as a coping skill….
• I am ALOT stronger than I ever imagined…..
• I have a wonderful smile…
• I am a deep feeling person….
• I have the capacity for tears of joy and pain….
• I am quite creative but it comes in waves…
• I prefer to be free giving of my creativity….
• I am not good at the ‘requirements’ of family….
• I say I don’t like or run away from things purely out of fear….
• I can be quite inconsistent with my interactions…..
• I actually have quite a few body parts that are quite attractive….
• I enjoy porn from time to time…
• I am quite a sexual being….
• I live in ‘spurts’ of emotion….
• I am a pretty damn good mother….
• I don’t enjoy being alone as much as I used to be….
• I am blind as a damn bat…..
• I do need people….
• Organized religion does nothing for me in my adult life…
• I’m actually not as mean as I’ve been called often enough to begin to believe…
• I am capable of growing, learning, accepting responsibility and doing the ‘work’…

This might not seem like the most positive New Year list, but it actually is because the quicker I get into who I am, the quicker I can make adjustments and changes to live a full life yah dig?

Well here’s one thing I can really kick off in grand style to begin the new year! HAPPY NEW YEAR and welcome to my little space on the net. I know, I know for my long time readers – I am sooo flaky, but I am feeling inspired to really incorporate some writing into my life on a more regular basis and I don’t want to talk to myself. The personal blog is slowing going to the wayside due to Celebrity Blogs etc. but they can still be quite relevant.

I have all kinds of stuff rattling around in this ole head of mines and so let’s begin……

Conquering The Beast

I have spent the majority of this year trying to ‘do the work’ and the first thing I wanted to do was work on being my ‘authentic self’.  That is always followed by “whoever that is” because a lot of times I have had no clue SIGH.

‘I wonder if it’s so hard for me to really define who I am because I’m afraid that in reality, I’m…nobody”

I had this thought while watching OWN.  It wasn’t even a deep show, but just being on the channel brings stuff out (lol).  Seriously though, I actually said that aloud to RG and you know what he said?  That I was fine I was just so scared to be that person, I am just full of fear.  I had to let that marinate because I couldn’t deny it, I have lived the better part of my existence on this planet either scared, fearful or a combination of both emotions.

It may seem like a broken record, but this is something that began in childhood and ultimately has haunted me up to well the last 10 minutes. 

It began as a little girl.  There was fear I wouldn’t be the perfect Muslim girl, there was fear that I wouldn’t be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect sister, fear of well everything. I learned early on to separate myself from who I might have wanted or felt I was.  I chose to journal all the things I couldn’t get off my chest, or verbalize etc.  Then there is the whole being scared thing.  Scared of the direction my family was going in, scared of what others would think, scared of the unknown.  It’s actually kind of sad, isn’t it?

Everyone processes things differently and even if you came from the same experience, it might not affect you in the same way.  My experience and the way I ingested and processed it is MINE.   Looking back, there have been way more times in my life when I’ve felt voiceless, helpless, barren and cold. I remember when my journal was found and I got in trouble, I remember when it was time for the sex talk, it came in the form of books with a note that said, if I had any questions ask, I remember not a lot of hugging, touching, saying I love you, or being receptive to my voice.  I remember never being able to explore, I remember being given roles that I might not have wanted, folks that I might not have wanted to know, parents that I might not have wanted to have, siblings that I might not have wanted to play with, secrets that I might not have wanted to keep etc. 

These things affected me.  It all made me afraid.  Speaking again on my journals, they are filled with sooo much anger and angst and questioning etc.  My parents for the most part, were just not emotionally available to us kids for whatever reasons and that has had a damaging effect on me and almost cost me my own child. 

For so much of my life, the part of the life where you do figure out who you are, you experiment and you live in order to determine what type of life you want, I lived in a fog devoid of independence, voice or matter.  Somewhere along the line I had become a shell of a person.  I just did whatever folks told me to do AND I created this space where I never colored outside the lines, and I lived just enough. 

I didn’t really start having what I would term some kinda life until I moved down here.  That was the beginning of me developing a pulse.  I could explore everything from my sexuality to my writing.

So here we are at the end of 2012 and I still deal with this I have really worked on the entire concept of FEELING.  I became a lot of who I didn’t want to be or who I really am.  I had to teach myself to touch and love my child, I had to stop picking emotionally unavailable men, I had to learn to cry. That alone, changed my personal life.  It allowed me to reverse some earlier damage to my child and put us on the path we are on today one I covet and cherish.  It opened the door for the kind of friendships that have given me more joy than I could have real friendship and connection. I can greet people with hugs and kisses, genuine and heart felt.  It has allowed me to be the receptacle of more love than I could imagine from a man.  

The magical part of being able to feel, is that you begin to distinguish what feels good and what feels bad and you begin to recognize what feelings you want in your life.

Being able to feel is the first step in having COURAGE and eventually living a FEARLESS life.  I see courage peeking through. 

FEELINGS and COURAGE told my mother that I was not feeling who she had become and did not like it’s influence in my life;

FEELINGS and COURAGE helped me through the first real bump in my relationship;

FEELINGS and COURAGE is allowing me to love…from afar;

FEELINGS and COURAGE means I can apologize and/or forgive myself…and others…. or not;

FEELINGS and COURAGE have allowed me to just say some things aloud (even if it was to the mirror) that needed to be said such as “you know what, it was and continues to be really fucked up that my parental lineage was held from me by so many people for so long because it’s fucked up a part of my life that I’ll never get back and really never feel right about.  I can’t get back the past and I don’t know how to approach the present and that in the long run has totally fucked up that future”

Yet I struggle still.  I’m going to continue to work hard because I’m ready to branch out from working on self to working on the next part of my life.  I don’t feel that will become evident what that is to be until I can look fear in the face.  

During the month of December, I’m going to delve deeper.  Currently, I read quotes about Fear to make some sense of the emotion.  I’m not really focusing on how it came to be, but how to overcome it.  How to move forward, and how to handles things that evoke the emotion.  It’s work people it’s work.

Circling back up to my initial thought, I’m eventually beginning to understand that ‘who you are’ is and can be ambiguous – there’s no set formula.  I have nailed down that I’m organic, that I’m creative,  I’m altruistic, I’m a sidekick and not a Hero and that I need people, places and things to feel whole.  I’m going to start there and live authentically within that FEELING.  The rest will come. 

Some of my Favorite quotes I focus on:

 I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain. Frank Herbert

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
William Allen White

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
Marcus Aurelius

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
Dale Carnegie

Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears. ~Les Brown

Somebody should tell us…right at the start of our lives…that we are dying. Then we might live to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows. ~Michael Landon

 Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is  more important than fear.

If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all thinking, damages his personality and makes him a landlord to a ghost.  ~Lloyd Douglas

 

 

If All I Could Do is Read All Day Every Day

Ok, so I went over on Amazon to look for something and decided to check my wish list. I use it more to keep up with what I want to read than to tell folks what I wish I had and it just dawned on me.  My love for reading and actually reading are not in sync!!  I have so much I want to read, but I just can’t get around to it.  I need to start to realign some things and dedicate more time to one of my favorite past times.  I also have to admit that I just want a plain ole Kindle that is just dedicated to reading.  They are dirt cheap on Ebay and I want to have one in the next several months…The old black and white one will do just fine thank you.  

I decided to compile a quick and not blog correct post of the books I want to read.  No, they are not linked or anything – don’t have time – just wanted to share, you can head on over to Amazon and check them out.  

Merry Sexy Christmas Overtime Love by Beverly Jenkins, Maureen Smith (not yet released)

Anyway You Want It by Maureen Smith (release date:  November 13^th)

Destiny’s Embrace by Beverly Jenkins (release date:  January 2013)

Sexy Little Liar by Noire  (release date:  October 30^th)

Natural Born Liar by Noire

Low Down and Dirty by Vicki Stringer

The King of Style, Dressing Michael Jackson by Michael Bush (not yet released)

Untouchable: The Strange Life & Tragic Death of Michael Jackson (not yet released)

Rita by Nonso Ezeani

Chains by Tom Lewis

A Cold Piece by Ni’cola Mitchell

Family Thang by James Henderson

The Pleasure of Pain by Shameek Speight

Soulacoaster, the Diary of Me by R. Kelley

Dynomite: Good times/Bad Times by JJ Walker

Momma’s a Virgin by Travis Hunter

Keeping the Secret 2 by RM Johnson

The Family Business by Eric Pete

Boss Bitch by Deja King

Played by Lisa Lennox

Night Hawk by Beverly Jenkins

G-Spot 2 by Noire

A Cold Piece of Work by Curtis Bunn

Power and Beauty by T.I. 1&2(David Ritz)

Maintenance Man II by Michael Baisden