The people next door and their fascination with things that go vroom are going to RUN ME CRAZY!!

I almost burst into tears I was so excited to be walking the aisles of Publix actually buying something that wasn’t all about volume.

Shouldn’t Sharon Osborne be mentioning that she had a bypass in her Atkins Commercial?  Like say that she used Atkins in addition to the surgery?  hmmmm

Now can the countdown to Walking Dead begin?!?!

I took a VERY good course called “Crucial Conversations” and it really gave me things to think about and look at.  I intend to use the concept more often.

It’s weird that I have all these skills but suddenly I feel like I have none.

There is no better feeling than that of a new craft.  Turning a pile of something into something that brings you joy because of it’s beauty…wow.  I can’t wait to roll this out.

Just when the entire thing is tipping over and life is sliding forward, there is this gentle wind that blows it back..I am beginning to understand….God.

I  wish the Django dolls were out when I was younger – I would have liked a rough around the edges black man for my Barbie instead of the smooth around the edges love of the Ivory Bottle that she actually ended up having to marry.

Since we made it our business to find smaller restaurants to eat at, I get hankerings for big box meals, lol lol  Right now it’s Red Lobster!  I want some stuff mushrooms NOW!!

I bet someone could create a quite fulfilling social life just using Groupon, Half Off Depot etc.

I am still trying to figure out who to replace Kenya Moore with on my girl crush list. I need to try to remember WHY she was on it.  the only person worthy of such a title is Rupaul, lol

My MJ 2013 year has began slow but the kickoff has been meaningful.  I need to make my list of possible additions to my collection and why kind of way I can be engaged with others as we celebrate.

I found some old CD’s from back in the day, One in particular “Pam’s Groove 5 year 2005″ has had me hollaring.  Good music though – good music.

I think that I have created a hair texture that was not originally coming out of my head through the use of product and care.  If a dude can continuously brush waves in his hair until he eventually has them – why can’t you develop your texture as a natural?  I didn’t have this texture as a child, i might have worn it if I had, lol

Speaking of..has the transition to Natural become the new “are you pregnant?”  What I mean is – when you see someone who seems to be going natural, do you ask?  Maybe they just haven’t gotten around to getting to the hair dresser?  LOL  I guess you just have to wait until either they speak OR you see a style that is in the Natural hair playbook to confirm.

I really like Instagram, but I find it disturbing how negative and evil folks can be towards celebrities.  It really has given me a peep into life on the other side.  You do have to be a special kinda strong because you are going to be vilified.

I can’t wait for my new glasses to come in – this idea was a great discovery in being bold with my look but if I push these up on my nose one more damn time!!!!

I really think I’m beginning pre-menopause.

I’m keeping this hair so that when I cut it down this color will be gone. I was not impressed and want to go back to my blonde/brown color.

I have got to get a hold of my diet.  It’s right at the cusp of tipping over and I refuse to go all the way back there.  I refuse!!

Looking around..yea we have officially moved all the way in, lol lol

As soon as I get back into a space of financial security, my entire family is going on a sock and drawers run!!!

My friend told me to get some sage to balance out my home – next grocery trip that’s on the list.

I need to pull out all the hidden TO DO lists I’ve developed over the years and DO SOMETHING off each one.

The summer at this house is going to be beautiful.

 

Thinking in Browns

So, a death did happened and it didn’t give a jolt, I barely saw any electrical current..it didn’t make not one thing happen.  I’m almost glad I know that now, I will adjust my affairs accordingly.

This situation did confirm that there is just no three dimensional connection and I’m ok with that.  It’s better to live in this reality and be responsible for your own current than pretend there’s suppose to be this natural one running no matter what.  Nah there’s no truth in that.

Now that Facebook for the most part serves as a receptacle for recycled quotes, pseudo perfection, religious psychobabble, business advertisements and sly ‘words of wisdom’ that put others down – I am removing several layers of myself from the fray.  I’m going to keep it light, irrelevant and surface.

Speaking of..I am not necessarily sure as to why this influx of all these ‘words of wisdom’ day in and day out are pissing me the hell off, lol  I think because it provides such a screen.  I don’t have random folks on my page. The majority of  the folks I know personally or somewhat personally, so to have my page change from real interaction to this makes the space different.  It’s interesting how as a people we take pride in the survival, villiage concept but our mentality is just the way the slave master wanted it to be.  We stay thinking someone is using our lives against us, talking about us behind our back and trying to use what we got to get what they want.  So we hide behind this type of thing.  We stay paranoid.  Unfortunately, the sad part is that there are those folks whose full time job it is to try to destroy us.  I just can’t imagine that they win so often.

I am really looking more and more at the concept of who is actually invested in Pamela and who Pamela is truly invested in.  There takes a bit of  honesty on my part because I have struggled with admitting that I’m just not invested or I invest to much and am disappointed when the ROI is much lower than I expected. I understand that there are varying levels of investment and that everyone doesn’t and can’t be totally invested in you (that’s not fair) and it takes all kinds.  I think this is the way I’m taking stock and readjusting accordingly.  I’m pulling back when it comes to friends and opening new portals as well.  There are very few who are really invested in the light and dark Pam.  I also realize that I have probably worn some folks out, lol  I know  I have.  If I say something to you and you pull out all the light weight stuff and consistently leave the heavy stuff on the table – I’m hearing you and I will stop giving it to you to ignore.  It’s ok, I expect you to do the same.

It might seem that I’m in a dark place, but actually I feel more light than I’ve ever felt.  I have been faking this ulta-happiness for so long, because there was never any room for me to be dark. It was frowned upon from a little girl.  I think that might be one reason why the ‘signs’ piss me off as well.  IT’S NOT ALL HAPPY, IT WON’T ALL WORK, THE SUN DOES NOT ALWAYS SHINE!!  There’s a great balance to it all.  I am finding balance.  When I’m happy, I’m happy when I’m not..I’m not.  Sometimes they are not equal but the feeling of having feelings is great.

I’m reading a book, “Don’t Let Me Die In A Motel Six or One Woman’s Struggle Through The Great Depression”  It’s the story of a woman who went from living quite comfortably and somewhat recklessly to losing her job with the collapse of the housing market and basically being broke, somewhat homeless etc.  It’s told with a snarky wit that has made me laugh aloud and the story has come right on time seeing as I am pretty much feeling it from all ends financially.  She speaks what folks don’t want to hear.  She whines about being broke, she places blame, she wallows in self pity – she has become my new friend, lol  There was a part of her story where she’s living in a bad motel with her daughter and she’s thinking of how there’s just no ‘help.  She talks about how her family is all living their lives and how sad she is that they have no back up for each other. They were raised living pillar to post so there is nothing in place emotionally where if one is hurting or struggling there is a concerted effort to assist. She sees families where they have each others back and it makes her sad……I can relate.   This is a recommended book.

I really am sad that the situation went the way it did.  Though I never thought the motive was genuine, there was possibility until it was realized that there was none.  I couldn’t with good mind let it continue to disrupt and impact my circle of peace.  All kinds of lessons and teaching moments ultimately did come out of it – just for the person who wasn’t looking at the time.  So all in all it wasn’t a complete failure.

It’s funny, I’ve felt I was grown a long time, but 2012 was the year I became an adult and 2013 is when I’m about to add the great moniker GROWN ASS to the whole picture.

 

 

Unpacking a Mental Box

I haven’t had a conversation since May with her. That is nothing to be happy about in reality. It concerns me that (1) I ended up being treated status quo – but I needed to see what that felt like and (2) there is no feeling to save us all and (3) I get along quite fine without it. I knew I would, but the things you think you would miss, haven’t surfaced which lends to the initial feeling that it wasn’t there to begin with. Ilyana better be glad she doesn’t do personal counseling anymore.

I still think about laying on the couch in a more therapy as opposed to counseling kinda way. I might take that on in 2013.

Sometimes, I dig deeper than I want to and run into the sub set that goes a little to the left from my thought and admiration level. I’ve run into some of them again, I have learned though to just pick out what I need to give me life and keep it moving. Please believe though, there is a dark side, lol

Another Michael Moment: I have a ‘period’ of time where Michael was hot to me and then fleeting moments in the no so hot moments where he gives me fever. I don’t just post any ole kinda picture of the man because I love him. I try to keep him in the best light and how I want to remember and see him. I live in reality, yes I do, but there are just some era’s that don’t do it for me.

I am so mourning the loss of a super active social life. Damn!! this is why I’m glad I have photographed most of it because now all I have is my pictures. Damn!! It will be back though The MWC will rise again!!

I intend to NOT be in my house or maybe not even in this state for New Years Eve!!

I’m glad that I listened to myself and decided not to take that project on. I saw and heard some things that made me think otherwise and as they have been playing out, I am glad I listened to myself. We cool – - but from a distance.

I need to parlay something into another category. They have earned the right.

I was reading an article about “facebook envy’ and if you have ever had it? Not in the least. I have a pretty balanced page with the good, bad and ugly and thus I can see all the cool stuff I have in my life and don’t really worry about what other folks are doing. I know the folks who keep it sunny side up when I know they crawled up somewhere in a corner and I know the folks who are never happy (bout to remove one from my newsfeed) and the folks who’s joy I celebrate because they celebrate mine. No need to envy what they got going on, everyday I see something that makes my life…for me.

Someone asked RG do we ever argue and how can we be so happy together. Who said we were happy all the time? I remember on SATC the movie, Samantha said you don’t have to be happy everyday and asked how often were the other girls happy and Charlotte said ‘everyday’ not all day every day but every day and that’s how I feel. Several times a day, i am just happy in my relationship and it supercede’s anything that might make me unhappy. Now in terms of arguing – this is the truth, in six years we’ve never had a bonafide argument. I HAVE ARGUED but he hasn’t (that’s important to note,lol) We have debated a difference, but we just don’t argue like that or talk mean to each other or be angry at each other like that. Sometimes I wonder if that’s a good or bad thing, but we have stop points where we check in with each other and make sure we are not being passive/aggressive or what ever. We also kinda know one another and how we operate and are mindful of that. I’m sure he’s been too through with me (as I with him) but we just don’t make that an issue. We are evenly yoked in the nonsense as well as most of the good stuff so we can meet somewhere that doesn’t require that kind of emotion. I can say that the most we get is frustrated with each other.

I was thinking about roles and the way they work in a marriage recently. I was telling RG that it was my responsibility to do everything else for the most part as long as he was working at the level and length that he was. I was thinking about how you can define ‘roles’ but you have to be fluid enough to move in and out of them and even swap up to be successful. He can’t work two jobs from 5am-midnight some nights and come home and wash his clothes. yes when we were working equal times and arriving at home around the same time with like days off, he was a big help around the house etc. but that’s not necessary now. I have to step up and take the reins because I know if it were me, he would with no hesitation. He is the one who taught me about the concept of ‘equality’ in a relationship and that we didn’t define roles like that. He will do whatever I will do and I will do whatever he will do (as long as I’m capable strength wise etc.) Its’ been working for us – it doesn’t matter if I dont’ feel like it or hell he doesn’t feel like it – it all needs to be done and thus one of us has to do it and truthfully relationships are not 50/50 they are 100% but that can go all types of ways for all types of reasons. I’m glad we don’t have real issues with this and can be flux in what needs to be done for our family.

Sometimes I wonder in a town of hyper-cartoonish feminine women if my short haircut is taking away from mine. Yet I have never felt more womanly and sexy before.

I do kinda miss that ‘first three months’ sex…….

If I could just get one chance to prove I would do fine, be grateful, beneficent and giving with some lottery money….just one chance.

I am VERY happy in my house. I can’t wait to get it to where I want it visually.

For the first time ever really, I am formally displaying some of my Michael Jackson stuff in the Cabinet in the Living Room. I have some extra space and it would look great.

I’m not into white men (or any other man other than a black man) on a romantic basis, but I do keep a running list of a few that sometimes peak my interest. As I sat watching ‘Taken 2′ I had to move some things around. I have officially retired Sean Connery to the hall of white man fame and Liam Neeson is on the list. Brad Pitt is on the list as well, but he hasn’t moved me in awhile. I really don’t know others, lol lol lol If you have someone who I might know just don’t know their name -let me know. I do like to keep like 5 on the list, lol lol

I feel the need for a faux hawk wig.

I need to examine the definition of pride so I can speak on it intelligently cause someone needs some clarification on that.

Ilyana delved into black female relationships this past week on her show “Fix My Life’ and it gave me something to ponder on…friendships. I have some GREAT ones! I mean some good ones. I finally am in a space where I would go through something like that to save my core group. I never really knew women to ‘fight’ to save relationships like that, and now I know what that feel like. I have had pockets of folks come and go in my life. I have mistakenly called associates friends because I used to really think that all of us could be friends. I came into it naive and have had to learn. I have been a bitch in some female relationships and their current condition reflects that. However, as I stated, I am in a really good place concerning my ‘circle’ and it’s outer circles. I don’t come from a place in any female relationship where we have cussed each other out or become decidedly ugly with one another. I still only mourn one lost relationship and that’s with my Holderness St. best friend. I still miss her……

Watching “Steel Magnolias” put me in a space I’ve been going to in my head more often than I care to admit, that I’m entering or let me just say it, I am in the space where I very well could become a mother-in-law and Grandmother. the crazy part is I feel like I’m ready. I dream about that role sometimes and how glorious it’s gonna be and how excited I will be. I want her to get to a certain place in her life, but I feel like I did my base goal and that was to get her out of HS without those issues and that has been accomplished. I even have a ‘nick name’ for said grandbaby “ishkabobo Alhumdillah” LOL LOL LOL I want to be called Me-Maw the Fabulous.

Silently but Deadly

I don’t like to keep my life blinds all the way closed, keeping them cracked a bit allows sunlight to get in.

That moment when the person you deem is above reproach suddenly is below it.

If I were there in person, I would force this issue cause it ultimately is about as stupid as stupid gets

Yea I have feelings about it, but I have to be receptive to whatever life has for me and apparently this is it.

I want to do a photo shoot.  You know just getting into me and giving my mid 40 fabulousness to the atmosphere, with air brushing of course, lol

Um, what exactly is there now to do on Monday Nights, now that LHHATL is over..

Fix My Life was PROFOUND, you hear me?!  I might not even be able to make it through this season.

I own maybe 10 DVD’s, time to purchase Sex and the City The Movies, because sometimes I just want to sit and watch Carrie nem.

This move has sent me into overdrive…planning a housewarming, lol

What I’ve discovered in the last couple of weeks is that I am about to live a very full life.  It’s looking good.

The big screen movie selection SUCKS so far this year!

That awkward moment when you hit that part of a friendship where you two are on two different sides of the issue and you have to say something because you don’t want anyone thinking you are in agreement with that ish.

Every day I give Woman Thou Art Loosed another day – today it’s Woman Thou Art Loosed on the 56^th day, lol

I quite enjoy being married.

Why doesn’t my Facebook page have any real ratchetness? 

If I could restructure my facebook, I would have like 75 friends.

Once again, I feel the friendship has ran its course but I don’t know what else to do if it ends.

I don’t remember if I have any winter clothes that even remotely fit…..

The family is starting to give me the ‘let’s go to’ look…SIGH.  Watch I don’t even spent Thanksgiving here and I have a new kitchen.

Little Known Fact:  I like an entire new dish set each Thanksgiving.  I buy them at thrift stores so every few years I can give them back and get new ones.  I’m already scoping dishes for this year.

I wish I could cruise so I could re-up my liquor cabinet on a grand scale.

I’m most looking forward to decorating.  I used to keep that tight, but then diverted my money and interest elsewhere, well this house deserves some style and I aim to please.

RG will end up putting his foot in my ass at least twice during this move and immediately after.

I’m in a really good space in my mental right about now.  It feels good to know that you can control you and that there are folks out there to help you reign it in…when you can’t.

I don’t really like folks touching on me intimately, but I think I want to push through and get me a massage.  Since I’ve identified that I carry stress in my shoulders/back I really want to work on making them pliable enough to even accept the stress. 

The most prolific thing I’ve heard thus far this month and probably won’t hear anything to top it is “You Broke My Heart”  I didn’t know what to call it, but now I do and that’s so real.

I wanna get me a hat game for this short cut for the winter.

This hair cut belongs in New York, you know it does, lol

Homecoming is right around the corner!! I need to figure out my shirt for this year!

I might be ready to exercise..might.

I also want to take advantage of the Outback 2/$30  I want a DATE with my Husband!!

Why do I keep thinking about the next phase of my daughter’s life and my son in law and GASP Grandbab(ies). 

Hmm Halal Thanksgiving – let me investigate that now.

 

 

 

My Third Eye Got Something In It

Remember when black folks used to be all about their ‘Third Eye” I’m laughing as I type this.

I guess it’s like going to war. You went, maybe you didn’t win, but you came back alive and in one piece so we celebrate.

I’m starting to get very agitated with Atlanta Traffic and the daily bull shit that you encounter trying to move around in this town. Exactly, what is the point of you constantly on my damn bumper?! There is like NO ROOM to be a defensive driver!! Hell there’s barely any room to be an aggressive driver?! Does anyone remember what the purpose of the STOP LIGHT/SIGN is?! Are they making the lane lines narrower and the cars wider?!! The entire thing makes driving NOT my most favorite activity!

So I was reading a blurb that spoke about how Ben Affleck wants more children but his wife is cool with the three they have. Hmmm, it always makes me ponder the concept that a man wants more children and will cop an attitude when the woman is the one who actually haves them.

I like to listen to music that keeps me in a perpetual state of being in love.

You know life is like that peg game – all you do is jump around in your allotted space trying to be victorious and not get backed into a corner you can’t get out of. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. the beauty and beneficence of youth is that it is one of the only times you can go back to square one and try it all over again. Keep your head up, look straight ahead and not behind and just play the game another way. – Note to my Nephew as he hits the restart button.

Sometimes I wonder about folks who don’t record events in their lives through photography. My photos are a visual testament to all the joy in my life. I wouldn’t be able to function with out going back and looking at events and remembering that time etc. Oh well, to each his/her own.

Am I the only one who thinks that social media kinda messed up the Olympics. Prior to it, the athletes could focus on their craft and perform in a bubble of sorts. If you weren’t there in person what you had to say didn’t count. Well now the whole world can give their 1 cents and the athlete can now see it and it can funk up your entire vibe. I watched Gabby perform in her last few events and to me, it all has gotten to her. It’s gotten to a lot of the athletes.

Everyday I bet there’s a black celebrity that wakes up and goes “Fucking Social Media” Believe that.

Exactly why do blog sites freak out if you take the pictures on their pages etc. THEY DIDN’T TAKE THE PICTURES. Why do they even tag them like they belong to them. How is a picture of Marquita showing her ass in her own bathroom belong to a particular blog site.

Because I like to give the people what they want, I will throw back a shot of gin and sit through Honey Boo Boo this evening, lol lol You can thank me later.

I need to make a Drag Thursday Video!!! Update folks on the journey!!

12 days till Freshman Year Begins and 8 days until Move In Day

I sure hope the idea I have in my head some kinda way becomes the actual story

RG and I are perfect traveling partners. We enjoy riding together and a plane is not necessary. I am, when I’m awake, LOL the perfect shot gun rider and I’m always prepared to direct, feed and whatever else the driver (if we are driving). Long distances don’t bother us either. One of our to-do’s is drive to Cali. I was tooling around the internet and decided to see how we could take an adventure up the east coast. I thought about the Mega Bus. So I began piecing together a trip since it doesn’t run straight up and down the coast. We could ride to NC for $30 (for both of us) then ride to DC for about $45 or so and then on to NYC for about $25 – It would take about 13-14 hours but both of us could do the trip ROUND TRIP for $200 round trip!! Grab a hotel in Newark and some NJ Transit passes and we are S-E-T. Imagine the reading I would get done and the quick sight seeing – the bus stays in DC a short minute. It all sounds so exciting and what not. WE WILL GET TO NYC and it might be this fall!!!

A Facebook/Twitter Chuckle – there is something (usually on TV) that a heap of folks watch, take BET Awards or most recently Love and Hip Hop Atlanta, the beauty of social media kicks in and you all can watch and discuss it in real time as if you are in a big ole community center watching and eating popcorn together. Then out the blue someone(s) start posting on their time line and it sticks out because it’s not about what everyone else is talking about and then there are folks who decide to pop off about what is on their time line that everyone else is watching. That cracks me up!! when I come on line and see folks say talking about the Olympics and for the most part I am not watching – I leave it alone and not try to get my little stuff in. Maybe it’s the attention whore in me, but it’s like inserting a commercial in the middle of a show on HBO – UMMMM no, lol lol lol

Speaking of Facebook, my daytime crew are the BEST!!!! Ya’ll keep me going during the day.

I wanted to have a dinner, I wanted to have or do something big and dramatic for the send off, but it’s not gonna turn out that way. I’ve had to keep her spirits up cause she wants the accolades and attention of this moment that she deserves, but it will be much much more low key. For the most part just us three and you know what, it will be JUST FINE.

Folks think my ‘no folks under 18′ rule is a hot mess, always have (I made one exception and there were all kinds of guidelines etc.) but it’s more to protect me than you. I am not good with unruly young people and though I sometimes switch on and off, I can’t tolerate most of what they got going on in the social atmosphere, so though my own child gives me nothing to raise an eyebrow at, 955 of the folks she knows make me cringe at some time or the other. I like my space and I give her hers. There are folks that think I’m being funny and they block me and do all kinds of stuff cause I don’t befriend them or whatever – you’ll get over it. Hell some have now turned 21 and I’m still passing.

I haven’t had any soical fabulousness in a minute – an event is on the horizon and BABY I’M READY!!!

Track and Field All Over My Mind

What if celebrities had chosen Facebook as their social media of preference instead of Twitter.

What if they chose not to fall for social media at all – would it have died out quicker?

Out of all the hairstyles a Sista has worn over the years and I could fill a scrapbook – who would have thought cutting it off would be the one I like the best?  I find it so erotically feminine.  It makes me address my face and its features and its beauty.  My scalp tingles whenever he rubs my head, lol

I have a ‘girl crush’ on one of my FB friends.  She’s just georgous to me and the way she projects on her page just makes me smile.

I might be (gasp) trading in the iphone for a Samsung.  Why?  Well I will always feel Apple is superior but I’m  just curious about what the other phones do, feel like etc. etc.  I am not going to lie, I could use the bigger screen with my blind ass.  Hubster has the Galaxy note and it’s….cute, lol  My contract is up and the cost won’t be that different.  My daughter is thinking of an HTC.  I have an ipad and I won’t lose any of my apps etc. if I decide this is not it.  I will see. 

I went down a road for a hot minute where I really felt some kinda way about the fam.  Then I really just stopped and was like there might be someone right now who is feeling that I too don’t give a shit about anything that’s going on in their lives.  So the circle that is family rotates everyone in the hot seat.  No use in spending good time going there.  So I left.

By having that thought though I put in that file folder that I am guilty of not giving a shit and not trying to give a shit and I’m not alone in that feeling.  Disconnect is a funky thing let me tell yah.

I’m REALLY feeling my husband right about now.  He’s so been my rock.

Yep I buy Tea from quick trip and pour it in my pitcher at the house, lol  I’m not good at brewing tea and they, um, are.

I haven’t talked about this whole going away to college thing much in this medium, I’m saving it for next week.

Track and Field is going to get me killed up in my house.

I haven’t spoken to her since May and what it has done is evened the playing field because the elder apparently doesn’t like exerting their ‘power’ when it could be used as good and the junior can be just as stubborn. I’ve softened a bit if for no other reason than it’s sad and I have reached out via email with quick little blurbs – I am civilized, really I am, but this has set me free actually in more ways than one.

There is hurt in my heart that I could no longer spin stories that would cover up some things. She has had to finally learn.  The only thing that remains the same is that it’s their loss, they have missed out and will continue to miss out on one fabulous person.  She’s done her Father well – how has his family done her? 

I felt good when my daughter told me she found some pictures from early last year and that I’ve slimmed down quite a bit and look good.

Yet, I know I’m going to need to get back on program.  You make a decision to lose weight but sometimes the decision to gain it back is a bit sneakier. I haven’t gained any weight back (I keep putting on and taking off these two pounds) but with every extra spoonful, I can look up and these 12-14 will suddenly be tight.  I won’t let that happen.  I don’t ever think I’ll be skinny unless I have some kinda exercise epiphany, but I can keep this weight off and maybe a few more pounds.

I always find it funny that everyone who knows we are about to be empty nesters (I guess) assign all kinds of crazy freaky stuff to that life for us.  I love it!

When we move, I’m going to ramp up my internet stamp and see about doing some other things.

Being on Facebook can rob you of the ability to blog about random shit because you basically do it all day long anyway, lol So you have to split yourself yet again and save some for blogging.

I remember when music was more important than TV.

I remember when reading was more important than Music.

I remember when humans were more important than all of it.

One of the things that keeps me going is that I truly believe based on the mixture of my day dreams and my reality that I’m one fab person, lol lol  I see this entire existence that may or may not be all factual but it creates the most fab person I can be for me.

I feel a relationship I have is so damn stagnated.  I have no excitement or feeling about it yet I don’t give it up – I just follow the format that’s been established.

High School season has officially kicked off..SIGH.  I do but don’t know why our two digits are so disconnected and I am trying to figure out a way to pull it back together, especially since I have time soon. 

I GOT MY MICHAEL JACKSON PEPSI CANS!!

 

 

You Got Me Going In Circles…

Every Friday reminds of what a huge fucking financial failure I am.

How difficult is it to know that the pink elephant in the room has pulled up a chair and is playing spades with everyone, and yet folks are acting as if they don’t see him.

It just dawned on me that I’ve had much better success pulling dudes off dating sites than meeting folks off Facebook.

I’ve got to stop beating myself up about this stuff.

I wrote a piece awhile ago about being addicted to being broke – I’ve moved to junkie mode, I don’t like the track marks.

The downside of good blood sugar numbers is lack of thirst – I need to force myself to drink more, I feel dehydrated.

Moving forward, I will keep some stuff private, not because of others but because of me.  I have quite a book of stories – and I’m trying to write a new book someone would be interested in, so I need to stop reading chapters to my friends out of the current book – hell even I get tired of repeats.

There IS a difference between men and women and how we digest and process things – I’m not sure I want to be saddled with the way women do it the rest of my life.

I can’t figure out for the life of me why Twitter and I clash so bad.  I just can’t get the hang of it,

Instagram however is an attention whores dream.  Especially celebrities – I feel kinda bad that folks comment heavily on all of their pictures and they don’t respond, some of them ever.

Watching Chicagolicious and while watching one of the characters struggle with ‘coming out’ to their parents, it made me think about the concept of ‘fearing your parents’.  I am not against demanding respect and aligning yourself as a person to be feared in the role of a parent, I wish more parents would begin to do that, but it should not go so far as to cripple the child from developing into whomever they are.  On some level, I feel like that about growing up.

At times, I wish I could take every one of those sappy ass saying folks insist on posting all the time (posting sometimes as relevant is fine but I’ve blocked a couple of folks who just come online and start forwarding that stuff) and giving an alternate response.

Please believe going from 80 hours every two weeks to 30 will impact your household.

I decided not to go because we aren’t friends like that.  I’m always driving the car and though the other person won’t run me over, they might not stop if I’m stuck on the side of the road.

Sometimes when I think about winning the lottery, I get a headache due to the complexities of what would have to go down.

I think I’ll actually try to decorate this time around.

I can’t wait to get my CD’s out of storage.

Three of the best decisions I’ve ever made are:  having my daughter, moving to Atlanta and responding to my now husbands Black Planet ad.

One of the hardest things relating with and to a man IS knowing when to get in your lane and knowing when to stay in your lane – even the best of us have to sometimes really and actively make sure we keep our mouth shut.

My mother consistently calls me mean and I’ll go so far as to say others identify me as such, interesting.  I’ve always felt that I come into some situations already backed into a corner – so I come in prepared to fight.

Watching Janet on that news conference the other day, I saw myself, her whole face and body language.  I bet if we sat down and compared notes – we’d be scarily alike as to how we process shit.

I wish we were evenly yoked as financial wizards, lol

I wish a whole heap of shit!!

The Deluxe Apartment In The Sky

I wonder if I can use Honky today and blame it on my grief of Sherman Hemsley passing?

I am gonna be there the first day to see “Sparkle” but why do I feel like the music is gonna be horrible?

I can’t do anything but shake my head at a Facebook falling out that I was not even aware happened. 

Wondering about why with all this technology we have at our fingertips, we are barely speaking to one another.

The only way I’ll lose anymore weight is to get up off my ass and exercise – I have hit my diet alone ceiling.

See I can remove bad vibes out of my life.

I never contemplated that age 46 and not 45 would be the difficult year. If I make it through this steady stream of bull shit – hell I’m ready to go.

I need to find me some avenue I would enjoy giving back in, all of a sudden, I feel like I need to do something because my soul is getting muddied.

“Sorry I’m just not into religion” – hard but real statement I had to tell College Girl.

The conversation about sex and boys was a breeze, the most difficult convo I’ve had thus far has been about the ‘ways of women’ cause we can be a trip.

Still mad I’ve had to just say to her “look I tried but I’m sorry that your family tree is like an old rotted willow off Delowe or something.  You are going to have to just learn how to maneuver yourself through the rotten, broken, water and sun sapping branches and stand sturdily on the branches that hold it all together”

We had a good 15-20 minute laugh together last evening at the whole comical nature of it.  Funny how they send folks out to test the water.

I intend to purge this time, more than before. Time for some new stuff.

I think it’s true, sometimes your hair represents something. Cutting mine has turned me on to something all kinds of ways sexy all up in here.

This ain’t nothing but another example of how we are no different than anyone else?  Don’t believe me, ask the Jacksons.

Yea i’ve done to much on her behalf, but this has been a great summer project!  I’m not showing up to class -so give me this time.

I think I might actually decorate this time around.

I watched exactly 15 minutes of “Mama Drama’ and deleted it and refuse to ever set my eyes on it again.  Yea I have my limits too.

I have slid through the entire summer with the help of television.  I’ve never been this addicted and I feel slightly ashamed, but I am not giving it up.

Wondering what my new hobbies will be?

Contemplating a second job.

Collage of Thoughts

There is always something so refreshing with sitting around in your underwear.

I won’t be accepting any more friendships on Instagram from folks I know on my other Social Media sites. Why do we just keep following each other around, lol  I want that timeline to be different.

I feel like reading several volumes of erotica.

I am such a financial failure and I stay upset about this fact

I wish Mariah Carey would make a new CD – she’s my blog muse and she’s left me hanging having ‘dem babies’.

I just realized that I really haven’t given a damn about decorating etc. for the most part since I got married, I’ve just been living in the space – but when we move, I want to update some stuff and what not.

I wish I had a little mirror where I could look in and relive good times with my friends whenever I want to.

Might as well go for it – try and see what happens.

46 years old is going to feel funny because I’m going to be tipped over towards the 50 mark.

I’m getting ‘bored’ dieting.  Glad I took the break so now it holds refreshing interest to me again.

I soo want to go thrift store hopping and flush out my summer clothes

I throw out all my white shirts at the end of each summer and buy crisp new ones the next summer.  Currently I have no white shirts.

I’ve been on my meds consistently for three months now.

Since therapy my mind is a whole lot clearer.

RG working nights causes me great pain.  I miss him terribly.

I need to go sign up for my yoga classes

Why exactly is the sun so fucking HOT right now?  I feel like I’m going to burst into flames.  Is it because I’m older?  Is the ozone layer just gone?  WTF?!  Somebody call Al Gore!!

I never thought I’d have the kind of sister/girl relationships that I have.  Sometimes I get frightened that it will disappear.

I feel like stepping out of my box, but I don’t know..to what.

I am going to have to turn down ALOT this summer – I just can’t afford it.

That’s what I get for using a dye called KISS.

Secretly, I’ve been biting my nails – it just offers comfort.

My new favorite plastic to chew (a bad habit) are the needle covers for my insulin…….

I feel like such an exercise failure – I have to just admit that I’m fucking lazy and I know in my heart that my lame ass excuses are being met with a mental ‘you are just lazy Pam’

You know I still have much love for that man (boy) – yet I can’t subject myself to that again, unless I am sure there will be some payoff.

I see something good around the corner – I can just feel it.

I think I am going to read the Qu’ran.  I said I wanted to ‘know’ God and I don’t feel He’s in the Student Enrollment – so let me read the book and see if He speaks to me there.

I’m not understanding why we haven’t won the lottery yet.

My child has graduated High School and is headed to college.

 

Megabus Size Musings

I have not watched one episode of “Reed Between The Lines” – I really just want a show called “Malcolm Jamal Warner Stands Here” you know he just stands and poses in various places around the world so I can look at him.

To be stuck in “Old Black TV Comedy” Hell is just that Hell. However, the modern stuff just does not do it for me. Um ok, what new stuff, lol lol The Game better come back strong.

I feel the divide between folks and their moral foundations are getting wider and wider – there is a great chasm in the middle now – I wonder at what point will that chasm catch on fire? I wonder who is going to fall into that Chasm…. of….. fire?

I was going to write a whole blog about this, but it really doesn’t need it. The hardest part of living life is the non-acknowledgement of other people’s assumptions about said living of life. I am a person who has a whole heap of assumption geared towards me. Some of it, I have certainly assisted in, but a whole lot of it is the personal mathematical assumption that because of 1, I must be B. Because I chose to spend my money this way – I must be that way. Because I don’t really feel it like you do – then I must be this way. I think what I pull away from it, is how I have practiced and still practice it in some form or fashion myself. I read..a lot, so I don’t necessarily believe in reading a book by it’s cover – I like to dig in and see what’s really going on. I will and am working diligently on not assuming things about people. I will give you a full chance to distance yourself from my assumption – I will. I am really trying to see what’s in your pages, because I want that for me.

I am lining up all kinds of things to accomplish in December – I need to get energized.

I am giving the teenager a bit of the side eye and have had to check that mouth a few times. SIGH Why would you get 18 and start flexing..about being 18 and how the world is not recognizing that. Gurl go play the lottery, vote and sit down somewhere. That’s about what you get at 18.

I am feeling wayy some kinda way about not seeing my best friend in awhile. I need a moment of “you and me will never part” like yesterday!

I haven’t had a moment of being worn out sexually in a while – I need to fix that.

I need a job at the airlines so I can fly – bet I get one and they cancel that perk, lol lol

Everything I do now, I rush forward in my mind a year – as a moment when the teenager may or may not be here.

So for what 30 plus years if not even more – there has been no relationship, other than a few gifts, and no encouragement to have a relationship because they were not lined up in the ‘light’ and now because they have lined up in the ‘light’ to the satisfaction of the keeper of the light – there is this push to establish these close ties with a swoosh of self absolving and attitude to make it all look glittery. Um it doesn’t work that way. I’m not feeling it, when I look at my dance card – it’s full of folks crumping to the left and the right that I need to go dance with – It’s all cool, I know who they are, I’m glad that we know who they are and where they are and what not – but I’m just not motivated to sit in that doll house at this moment. If I were going to sit anywhere – it would be in the house of my Father and try to figure out what mantle my picture goes on.

Sometimes you have to just turn and walk away.

　

You know how people have their own unique smells and people of different cultures have them as well (stop acting like you don’t notice it) I wonder how we, African Americans, smell to other cultures? A lot of times folks smell like their foods, their habits etc. so do we smell like chicken, relaxer and New Ports? We can’t smell it because we carry it – but I’d be interested to know.

This might not sound right, but people watching in the park really made me take notice that we as a people when we are among other people, sometimes look, quite frankly, crazy. The way we dress, the way we are doing our hair, I don’t know – I feel like we look to some foreigners the way we look at them and say like for instance, they don’t go for matching sometimes – they go for top and bottom. that look we give them – is the look they giving us.

Family ties and Familial Ties are two separate things. You can have the familial ties without the feeling of family.

There used to be this function on Facebook where you could reply to statuses anonomously – GLAD THAT GOT CANCELLED!! yet I wish it were still around.

I’d like to empty my whole place and just start over – 2012 I think I’m going to start getting my place together – new curtains anyone?

I just had a very big cerebral moment at lunch today to my boss about my desire to become solid and cordial with my blood brother and sister. I need to figure out how to blog that.