F-A-I-L

Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.
Oprah Winfrey

In the wee hours of  the morning, I had a moment of GASP failure.  I say gasp because me admitting it (on facebook, no less) you would have thought I admitted to some major crime.  It started streaming in ‘you are not a failure’ ‘I’m glad you took that down because that wasn’t making you look..good”  I had to let that marinate because my first instinct in general (not necessarily at the people in question) was ‘I have a right to admit failure – it’s a part of the process”  what the hell is wrong these days with admitting (1) you failed and/or (2) you fucked up.

I remember when the thought process began to change.  When I was little there were no number 2′s.  Either you won or you loss.  There were no programs where everyone got a trophy because we are all ‘winners’.  It was common knowledge that you had to work hard because everyone didn’t win, so in order to be in the winner circle you had to (1) be diligent to get there and (2) know, understand and acknowledge what failure looks like so that you can have a comparison.

I am still of that school of thought.  Everyone is not going to make it.  There are levels of making it.  At certain points and times you are going to fail BIG TIME.  Acknowledging that could be a great stepping stone to getting some clarity and relooking at the situation.

Let me let you in on a little secret.  I have FAILED at a whole heap of shit!!  Some things at varying degrees and some things majorly.  I have failed TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY at the game of finances. There’s no pussy footing around that. You can ask all my creditors, my bank and my payroll office – I HAVE FAILED!!  I have failed at familial interpersonal relationships.  On a lesser level than what I would call major but it’s been one big pile of heaping failure.

When folks win, there’s this closing off of the circle of win you live in that space and that’s why it’s so devastating when that person loses.  The beauty of failure is that it’s opened ended, there is always a moment to reverse it and the feeling associated with that is almost always good. (except say a HIV status or a pregnancy result – you get my drift).

Part of the process (for me) as I strive to get to my authentic self is to stop acting as if all of this stuff and these things have happened by osmosis.  No, I have fucked up.  I have at some points and time put myself in situations that only by the grace of God I have come out of.  I am peeling apart the steel rods that I have placed in my back, that keep me stiff and hold me up and I am allowing my back to curve and sway and then rebuilding it with real strength and conviction.

So you know what – I have and will say it again.  I will look in the mirror at times in my life and say “Pam you have failed” it has a way of helping you clear the slate of the process that got you to that point and hopefully some type of clarity will surface and you ‘see’ a new way to do it.  That’s what actually happened, every path I had taken ended up at dead end.  I totally couldn’t see – that stuff was FAILING.  It was overpowering me and I had to say it to make it real so that I could then see again.  I got the clarity I needed and the answer to solve the problem, literally just came into focus.

Failure is not supposed to be this happy moment that our young people have been convinced it is.  you know, ‘oh ok I didn’t win, but it’s ok, Coach gives out a trophy to everyone”  or “Oh I failed, but my mom is going to get it all worked out for me”.  Nah it really doesn’t happen like that.

So though I appreciate the concern and I do believe that concern was real…it won’t be the last time I call myself a failure – I do know where I won’t do it anymore though, lol

December is just another Month on the Calendar

Sometime Back I slipped a little ditty into a Facebook status where I said I need to call a spade a spade and I really just become vegetarian for a month.

I had read an article on one of my favorite women’s sites xojane titled “Why I Celebrate Ramadan” and it was an ah-hah moment of sorts because I had to admit that the first half of the article was a lot like me but the bottom half..was…not.

As I was riding in the car, I just calmly turned to RG and said “I believe I won’t be participating in Ramadan this year.”

Ramadan (for the followers of the Nation of Islam) is from December 1-31^st.  The reasoning is that this was a good time for us to fast, pray, repent and do all the first work because it was the Christmas season and since Jesus wasn’t born that day and most Black Folks went IN on all kinds of excess and consuming huge amounts of wine and swine, this was the perfect time for us to abstain and stay on the right path.

It was all cool and dandy, but in recent years, I had begun to not ‘feel’ the spirit behind it.  I clung to December as some sort of patron saint for my religion of origin adn for immense fear of rejection.(well that happened anyway, lol so now what?)  In even later years, I could not deny the fact that I didn’t feel right pulling this out year after year when the other 11 months there was basically NOTHING in my day to day life that pointed out to anyone that I was of that faith. It was not so easy to get rid of the feeling that I was being hypocritical to who I was by ‘pretending’ to participate in something that was not fulfilling me spiritually because I had lost my spiritual connection for the most part to the religion that it belonged to.

At some other point, I spoke about my realization (because it’s the way I come to actuality on most things) that spirituality for me is like a rock climbing wall.  As I attempt to ascend to some sort of favor with God, whatever hand/foot hold presents itself in that climb works for me.  I hold on to several of the principals of my religion of origin, but I am comforted and brought to spiritual understanding by much more.

I’m not going to spend a lot of time on the why’s etc. because part of the process is that I don’t owe anyone at this stage in my life explanations as to why I do anything that I do, but because I write and maintain this blog, I like to expound on the purpose of a lot of my thought process.

I will just say that I am not into the business of organized religion, I have found it disappointing, it has not worked for me, I will say that as I stand around a room with almost two dozen folks in one family vibing, eating, drinking and being – that has NOTHING to do with Organized Religion and EVERYTHING to do with FAMILY and thus I can admit that I’m real bitter about that and I have distaste in my mouth because I wish it were less of that and more family in my upbringing and so I don’t do organized religion.

Therefore, beginning this year I won’t be doing Ramadan.  If it doesn’t come about and be authentic (yes I’ve been using that word a lot) and embrace the feeling and spiritual release then I feel like I’m abusing the holiness of it and thus blocking my blessings by being a fake.

I know what it looks like because I have a young adult in my home who is spiritually sound and quite at peace with her religious choices.  She’s pure in her methods of becoming close with God and if I can achieve any of that, then half the battle is won.

I told my daughter first and it brings tears to my eyes how we could sit down at this point in our relationship and just have a conversation based on respect and each other’s personal choice of truth and it not affect or defect our relationship.

I told my husband and he is proud of me for finally speaking my truth which is a huge sign of courage.

I told my best friend and she just said “I’m proud of you”

And now I’m telling the rest of ya’ll, lol lol

 

We Threw Up – Should Feel Better Now

“Sometimes I wish you hadn’t chosen to complicate your life as such” and with those words, I could have very well began putting in place the beginning of me losing my child.  Let me back up, this morning as I drove to the school to pick her up and take her to the Mosque to pray for EID, I just got annoyed with the entire thing.  Yes I did.  Since the beginning of this journey, I have been supportive and gotten on board and been understanding and I still am – but now that she’s no longer in the nest…….

I still am supportive and she is free to choose her path, and I’ve really been pretty good at keeping my own ‘issues’ and ‘thoughts’ about Religion out of the mix, but again, I’m annoyed.  If she had of came to me with this at say 30..ok, you’ve lived out here, you’ve made grown decisions and comparisons – but you haven’t even lived at 16-22 and what should be (and still can be) an exciting exciting time is all bogged down with Halal meat, can’t wear a tank top, where’s the Mosque, Cute guys don’t exist, the girls don’t live on campus so you’re the only one – it’s all just…….

You know truth be told, I had religion up until I was around 11 or so, then it was….something.  It is cool and all and I ‘claim’ like most of my siblings the religious upbringing of our youth, but the Faith may have offered comfort as an adult, but the ‘Religion” not so much.  None of us have even successfully been able to pass it effectively to our seed (as far as I know) and most of us keep just enough to (1) pull it up against each other with the one word more that we may know/remember (2) recite something prolific at times and (3) not upset our elders. Deal with it.

As much as we like to think and believe and pray about it, when groups of people get together, the overall fact that based on most faiths we are living in hell takes over and as part of that hell comes some of the following: Separation within the group based on all types of things, class and ethnic distinction etc. etc.  We are hopeful that it’s not that way, but it is.  She may look like a ‘native’ of the Land of Allah, but she’s a black girl born and raised in America by a single, religious askew mom and eventually by a bit more of a base Step Father.  They may smile and invite her to dinners and what not, but her collective experience is different – go down to the west end area and ask them.

So she stopped talking to me, and when she did she spit out the usual rhetoric that has been spoken about Islam and Muslim Woman and those of us who ‘don’t get it’ – I just told her this:

“We are both adjusting to a lot and I AM your support system. I have no one to lean on as I adjust to my only daughter going out here in the world.  This will NOT divide us we both are emotional right now.  I didn’t say you or any woman was oppressed.  I said this was complicated.  I have your back not just in words but in actions on a daily basis.  Tomorrow you will around and meet all kinds of folks. This won’t be the first or last time you will have to start at the beginning explaining who you are, who you want to be and the type of life you want to live. Get used to it.  That’s life we all have to do it.  I just tried at 46 years old to explain myself and pretty much got rejected for it. I haven’t turned my back on you, I don’t have the right, because its’ natural that you leave and grow and build your own life, and I hope you don’t turn your back on me, because I’m not turning it on you.

I will just leave you with this, don’t EVER worry or think about trying to live and be whoever you think I might want you to be.  DO YOU. I’ve spent most of my life with the shadow of that and I’m not repeating that with you!  We will make it through this transition and you will fly and I will be alright with it.

We are continuing to talk and are both feeling better as we maneuver through this. I have said the way to stop dysfunction is to do something different.  I thank GOD that even when there are bumps in the road, I changed it enough that I can catch it in myself and we can work through it.  We will be alright.  Whewww this has been one hell of a year thus far. One hell of a year.

I Gotta Have Faith

I was watching “The Best Man” today and for some reason when they got to the wedding vows, I sat up and really listened.  Thinking back over the story line, what struck out to me was the concept of “Faith”.

It’s no secret that I’m on the upswing from a very intense anxiety/depression episode.  I never really spoke about how I climbed up out that hole.  Basically, my husband made me look right into his eyes and he shook me and told me to…HAVE FAITH!! It was at that moment, that I forced myself to fling open my mental curtains and let the sunshine in.

For most of my life FEAR overshadowed FAITH.  I keep trying to figure out exactly how I became so fearful.  I tend to land first on the ironic street of I seem to have become a whole heap of what my parents supposedly didn’t want me to become:  A scared, job working, no concise religion having, non afrocentric,..well you get my drift, lol lol lol

As I came out of my last funk, I made a promise to begin to work on my fear and maybe even define it’s origins etc.  In the past couple of weeks, the curtains have attempted to close, but I didn’t let them!  I just kept moving and I forced myself to have FAITH. I think the issue with Faith is that I can’t really connect it to any particular thing.  The Islam I was raised under and the way I interpret it doesn’t allow much room for FAITH as defined in the Dictionary.  I’ve said before that I don’t believe in a mystery God, therefore I can’t really push the FAITH button as if by some mysticism something is going to work.  This makes me get in my head way to much because then I have to work it out and when I can’t – that leaves room for the curtains to close.  I have discovered I’ve been misinterpreting how FAITH plays a role.  It’s not all scientific and cut and dry.  You gotta R-E-L-A-X and let FAITH have a chance to attach itself to all that is real and do what it do.

The second he told me to have FAITH and I exhaled, there was a shift and in that instance all that had piled up precariously evened out.

The other times that the curtains attempted to close, I pulled FAITH out my back pocket and propped them open.

A lot is going on in my world now and though I have a wonderful arena of spectators cheering me on, we are kinda in the ring alone.  That’s where FAITH comes in.  I am truly working on FAITH, having it, believing in it and allowing it to be a steady part of my life.  I do know that it has helped me keep my mental curtains open, that alone makes it worthy of being in my life.

I Wear My Sunglasses at Night

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” – Corrie Ten Boom

I woke up this morning and had to blink twice. I tried to move but found myself held down. It was as if the bed was on top of me. My entire body aches. This is what depression looks and feels like. I am moving into month FIVE of my life being glimmers of happiness surrounded by deep despair as opposed to the other way around. This has been one hell of a difficult year for a sista.

It’s as if, everything I’ve ever ‘thought’ I knew about coping and dealing has flown out the window. On one hand, I see all that I should be blessed for, but my ‘ego’ (thanks Oprah and Iyania) has put up a big ole speaker that drowns it all out with it’s continuous playing of bad, distracting music. Some kinda way, I’ve just lost my personal emotional footing.

I am tired of ME. Let me tell you, I have had to come to some really real discoveries about myself. The first one and I guess most significant one is that I am a person who carries anxiety, stress and worry like a damn Olympic flag!!! WHAT IN SIX LEVELS OF HELL?! During these last few months, I have had to acknowledge that I have probably WORN SOME FOLKS OUT and have NO IDEA exactly how I have maintained friends and lovers this long in my life!! For as many engaging, enchanting stories/life moments as I have shared, there has probably been an equally gruesome amount of me pulling folks down into the muck and mire of my struggle to stay balanced.

I’m trying to decide if I want to reenter therapy to address this, just ongoing issues with anxiety and stress. The thing about these afflictions is that you KNOW, I mean really you KNOW it shall pass, you even KNOW why you are going through it = there’s this crazy part of this DIS=EASE, it’s all there right in your face. It’s not the big voices – it’s the little voices. I have been dealing with ‘little voices’ for most of my life. I think I need to identify where this ‘voice’ birthed itself and what to do now that apparently after all these years, it’s grown up and has been acting out big time.

Are the things I’m dealing with real. HELL YES!! Will they work themselves out? Probably but I have got to not deal with them in the way I’m dealing because I see this as only getting worse and eventually it WILL begin to really affect my interpersonal relationships and my day to day life. It has already.

It also changes the hue of everything around me. I get annoyed with say social media and all that it entails and all of the supposed knowledge, wisdom and understanding. The reason I try to speak out and be somewhat transparent about this kind of stuff is because I go through the day and I only know three folks outside my immediate home that are forthcoming that their lives are NOT facebook perfect. Well mine is not either. I don’t feel any kinda way authentic if I have figured it all out, if my money is all right and if I just give advice and opinion. I sometimes enjoy folks who give the end lesson, but I truly admire folks who bring you in when it’s not perfect.

I also just stay annoyed at myself. I review all the obvious and vow to never let such and such happen again and I just can’t quiet my head down. The story attached to this has now officially gotten on my nerves. I do know that the only thing I can successfully pull from all of this is a better, deeper understanding and acknowledgement of who I am and who I have been and then seek direction on how to be someone else more productive in my own life. I’ve been considering myself a failure lately and that is a thought that has NEVER come to my mind previously and that shakes me a bit. It has also offered me a view into moving forward with my child. She has been indirectly affected big time by all of my stress and though I am a believer in your children seeing some ‘realness’ in their life, if I learn how to deal and come up out of it, then that’s what I want her to see and remember. She is a worrier and has anxiety already – I have ascertained this is something that comes from my side of the family. She would be the third generation female and I don’t want her adult life bogged down with this.

So I press on. I think I’ll attempt some self healing first with reading some books on the subject and then decide if I need to get back in the chair. I just want to stop the voice and flip my scenario back to where these are bumps in the road and now sink holes in my life anymore.

Tell Em Why You Mad Ma!

Everybody has to write out of rage sometimes – Amy Clampitt

Because I just am dammit!
Because my child knows something is wrong with me!
Because I know something is wrong with me!
Because I am letting it continue to run me!
Because I am broke!
Because I didn’t save for my child’s college!
Because my social life has taken a hit!
Because I live in another part of the Universe from my best friends!
Because I’m the Michael Jackson!
Because people have moved on with their lives and left 12 people with the carnage of their decisions!
Because nobody asked me!
Because out of everyone why mine gotta be the most fucked up!
Because I know how to stand and recite some bullshit about how round the earth is – but don’t know how to love the same folks I stood in line with!
Because it’s been strained, dysfunctional and fucked up for what? 35 damn years!
Because I will NEVER get away from this!
Because I used to think death would be the event and now I don’t!
Because I used to think what he did was…wrong!
Because there always have to be a choice!
Because I am punished by myself for wanting to nuture and save..myself!
Because my back is used to being walked on!
Because I tried so hard to ‘do the right thing’ – which is debatable!
Because I was promised a fucking family dammit!!
Because some of it is just never gonna be right!
Because I have spent most of my life dealing with this shit!
Because I will probably die still dealing with it!
Because I will never be free of it!
Because the view they have of me is crippling!
Because everyone assumes I can deal with it!
Because now the third generation is affected!
Because it’s so easy to say the past is the past!
Because I know that each of us deals with this and it hurts!
Because I see it exhibiting itself in me!
Because it affects my nuclear family!
Because I’m a fucking slave!
Because I have never really known who the fuck I am!
Because I have no voice!
Because I have dragged every friend I’ve ever had into this mess!
Because I don’t know how to begin to do anything else!
Because it has always sapped my happiness out of me!
Because it just seems so hopeless most of the time!
Because I can never repair my reputation!
Because I care what is thought about me!
Because if everything wasn’t built on a lie, maybe I could have told the truth and it wouldn’t have went down like that!
Because when the truth comes out – there will still be some bullshit!
Because I only halfway believe what I say to myself about myself!
Because I am in real pain still about this!
Because she looked me in the eye and the relationship is not there!
Because it’s done nothing for me to stay involved!
Because I am so weak!
Because there are those that have it all worked out!
Because the thought is that I’m being extra about this!
Because I’ve had to learn the hard way!
Because I’ve had to make fucked up decision about fucked up things!
Because I’ve taken to cussing like a sailor to express the rage!
Because my view to God is cloudy right now!
Because now you can’t wear a damn hoodie without fearing being shot!
Because the white man is a devil and folks still don’t believe!
Because my HS class fell apart and I’ve had to graduate finally!
Because facebook is starting to work my damn nerves!
Because I have diabetes and I want a damn coke!
Because I have wasted so much fucking time!
Because I feel educated by my paycheck says otherwise!
Because I can’t figure out how to balance this bullshit effectively!
Because even my therapist is shaking his head!
Because ultimately the buck stops at the top!
Because I didn’t win that lottery!
Because my list of wants is so much longer than the numbers in my bank account!
Because this new work schedule has fucked up my sex life!
Because all the shit I’ve stuffed in the life closet, eventually is gonna spill out!
Because my couch smells like ASS!
Because my child has had a nightmare that we were all physically fighting!
Because I have all this talent but FEAR keeps it on lockdown!
Because I STILL just want to know they really love me and am proud of me!
Because my pain is not acknowledged as real and relevant!
Because all of a sudden I see myself needing professional help on and off the rest of my life!
Because I should have NEVER stepped out my damn door!
Because I let others rent space in my mind!
Because I feel if I start crying for real, I will never stop!
Because he left us and it was his damn plan to being with!
Because I’m tired!
Because I’m afraid!

“For many years I’ve harbored pain. I’ve carried the emotional weight of family dysfunction, insecurity, betrayal and the feeling of inadequacy. I’ve strived for acceptance from my mother and people who I thought were my friends. It was all necessary to get me to the point where I am today.” – Trent Jackson’s Revelations as he turns 30.

 Thanking Trent for sitting in the forest beating the drums for us all.

On the path to yet another Emancipation – let the healing begin!

The Skyline Needs to Stay the Same

 

This picture above ranks as one of the most important trilogies in my life. It is VERY special and I am IN LOVE with the entire scope of the relationships. As 2011 expired, I have watched one of my friends get a new passion in her life…ZUMBA. She is certified, trained and up to her drop it like it’s hot in it. The other one just works on doing better. Recently I was browsing pictures while developing our 2012 Calendar and realized that we took the perfect pictures. We all just fit, then I started to think “If they start to lose weight or change body or whatever – it might make our pictures not be in sync” One of my ‘secret’ issues is that in this trio I am the biggest both in height and weight. In horror I began to think that I need to get on the band wagon because I be damned if I am in the picture looking like NeNe towering over everyone!!!! Yea that was my real thought.

Anyone who knows me knows that part of my ‘hold on to it” is that I don’t like being told what to do as if I’m stupid. So I will postpone making moves on purpose till I DECIDE that I want to do it. Sometimes it takes some odd stuff that will motivate me and the thought of our pictures being off was the thing!! So here I am on week two of Weight Watchers. I chose it because it is easy to do, meets my requirements of not being restrictive and it’s kinda fun keeping up with the points etc. and I always need a project – add spread sheets and I’m that much better.

I set a goal I thought was reasonable, I set a timeline I thought made sense (by my birthday) I also had to factor in that I was weaning myself (again) off the juice and soda and I needed to keep the carbs in check for the diabetes and I’m on my way.

First week, of course, was the cleansing and adjusting period and I felt like a raging bull. Portion control I realized early on I really wasn’t paying attention to so going down to 1/2 a cup of anything was about to get someone cussed out, lol but I made it and had some fun with it as well. I am DETERMINED to eat across the entire spectrum – Weight Watchers allows this and it makes perfect sense. I’m not eating rice cakes and the smoke from butter – that’s cool if it works for you, but it won’t work for me.

I was excited but not overly at the 4.5 pounds lost the first week – I just said ‘hmm didn’t know I was carrying that much water around” I’ve been down this road – I am familiar with some of the stops. I started hinting around on the Book a bit about what I was eating etc. while I contemplated just coming out and saying it because as we all know – Dieting has more issues than just about anything. There’s always someone who knows better, is doing better, can’t understand and just feels the need to judge. However, sometimes for me, it helps to say it aloud and claim it – even if you don’t succeed at least you put it out there. I also am one that has a certain bit of transparcy. I talk about my life a lot. I like to share the journey with others and maybe this might help someone. So I said it aloud and let the circus tents inflate.

I have been thinking about something to blog about, because contrary to what I just said, I was tired of just talking about my day to day life. Facebooking took the thrill out of that for blogging. I needed subjects. I was thinking of doing more videos. I don’t want to not blog but I do want it to have some substance. So this journey here has made me come back to the blog. Aren’t you glad, lol

So let’s lay out what this here is gonna be – this is going to be JANKY. Let me repeat that JANKY!1 I am NOT taking this seriously. I am currently NOT having any self esteem issues NOR am I being emotionally manipulated or abused in any way about the way I look at the weight I am. This frees me up a lot. it also allows me to have some fun with it and see if I can lose weight on my terms. I should do better and that’s what I’m trying – this also allows me to talk candidly about the mistakes. I will post a picture of me eating a big mac at midnite!!

Let’s also get this out of the way: FOLKS AND THEIR EATING IS PERSONAL!!! THEREFORE I’M SENSITIVE ABOUT MY SHIT!!! We all have a different journey, reasons, secrets, issues, etc. etc. blah blah blah. No one has the right to decide for someone else how they are doing with this. If I say I have eaten something I KNOW and I am conscious that I have eaten it. The you should have had or you could have had might not go over well with me, lol I like/love information presented for me to review and pull what I need to know – anything that remotely seems chastising or any of that – might also tick me off. It really is one of those situations where it’s ok to sit in front of your screen and just talk about me, lol lol I’m using this forum to talk OUT and trade ideas sure but I’m not judging you so please don’t judge me or decide my journey is not the right way. It is for me and if I decide it’s not then I will make the change and like most negroes, I might use something you said and act like I made it up, lol lol lol

Not sure how long I’ll discuss what’s happening in that area but I will try to make it fun..I promise.

I am OPRAH’s Sister!

So like alot of us, we want to find some kindred spirit with…..Oprah. I looked over the comparison sheets closely and the thing that makes she and I sisters who will never part? We both have been every weight under the sun!!!!!!!! Yep don’t hate, lol lol Just let that marinate (in some butter if you got it like that). We all know Oprah’s issues and journey with the weight thing – but what about mines?

Olive Oyl is what I supposedly was called coming up (I don’t remember this at all). I was your typically sized girl. I didn’t develop early or quickly and I had a metabolism that made it easy for me to eat like your typical (for the time) young person and teenager. You know back then, you mostly ate at home and then ate home cooked meals. Because of our religious beliefs, we actually ate pretty good. Fresh veggies, home made breads and jams etc. Going out meant Morrison’s Cafeteria or Sizzler – you know places like that. When I got in High School I discovered the joys of JUNK, but it didn’t affect me in any kinda way – I could eat and keep it moving. One of my fondest memories from that time were the summers spent in Philadelphia, where we would have whopper eating contest. Me against my Brother. We would just eat those bad boys till we like to pass out, lol No weight gained.

I really don’t remember food being the focal point of family memories per say. I remember incidents that revolved around food, like when my daddy would cook steak and eggs (breakfast) and invite the neighborhood young men to the house to teach them, but holidays and everything else had normal amounts of food and no real gluttony. I had a healthy attitude about food and my body. I remember the first time I had (ahem) relations – I was way more enthralled with prancing around buck nekkid enjoying my now ‘womanly’ body than the act itself. That was wack, lol lol

I can, like with alot of things, pinpoint when stuff went to the left. I was in NYC and I was unhappy. I was lonely and felt like I had made a mistake so I very slowly started to pacify that with food. Food went from being something to keep you going to some great company. Then add on the fact that it was NYC and there were all kinds of deliciousness available and there you have it. I started to make friends and then I wanted to hang out to not come home, so that meant eating and hanging out. slowly I noticed I went from a 5-6 to a 7-8. The unfortunate thing about it all was that I basically unlocked the genetic pool that now has me struggling for the rest of my life. DAYUM!! So fast forward several years and now I’m…overweight. It wouldn’t have been so bad, if I had not then begin to be emotionally abused in the process – so now the self esteem I had was atrophied and in a vicious turn on a child hood game pain covers joy.

Funny story: I signed up for Jenny Craig – had all the stuff, was doing ok, week three I gained some weight, couldn’t figure out why – week 4 found out I was pregnant – they didn’t give me a refund, lol lol

Life intervened – I had a baby, (I only gained 18 pounds with her) I became a widow and then I grieved about a lot of things and the weight was just…..there. Since that time I have been all over the map. I’ve been small and I’ve been large. Like a lot of sisters, i was still attracting men – so I didn’t see it as a big deal. When I was lonely Food took center stage, when I wasn’t it didn’t.

Turning point: Being diagnosed with Diabetes. I had gestational.and like we all do, when it comes to the baby – we are ON POINT!! Well now I had type 2, which was triggered by the gestational and brought full bloom by me gaining more than I gained during pregnancy post pregnancy. The first couple of years were cool, I was all on top of it and subsequently my weight was somewhere in the great range. As my life blossomed down here and I began to make clear cut efforts to get my mental and emotional together – it all seemed to fall in place, yet I still went up and down.

I decided not to diet as I was prepping to get married – why put that facade on. I decided to surprise him by slimming after the fact – I felt that when you slim and blow up that’s false advertising, but doing it after the fact showed that you were committed to being around for the relationship and that being with that person spurred you to get even finer than when they met you. So I went on WW and lost 35 pounds. Yet while I was feeling good – I also was sabatoging myself by deciding that I was somehow going to be ostracized if I had…diabetes. What man wants a woman who one day might need him because she got one less leg or her kidneys are on the blink etc. etc. So I pretended and convinced myself that I could indulge and that I did. It’s really like the whole drug analogy. You start with something light and if that’s a trigger for you then you will be on crack in a year, lol that led to my full blown addiction to juice and soda (one I struggle with hourly – I might add).

So for five years I’ve kept the weight I initially lost off. I haven’t gained a pound. I know that some of it is because I have not taken care of my Diabetes 90% so I gain no weight. I still have feelings about the whole Diabetes thing and how it’s just jacked up my fucking life and I have to always carry that around with me and anything I do health wise has to take it into consideration as well. I would be somewhat comfortable with where I am now if it weren’t for the fact that I have this egg shape – which annoys me! skinny arms, legs, small head and then the egg!!!! I can be looking hot but the EGG – has me always with a..gut and we all know I am DEVASTATED that I am assless. WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!

There are some positives to me though that I love – the good bad and ugly. I love that my skin is exceptionally tight so stretch marks have not riddled my body in my yo-yo’ing. The Titays are giving me nice shelvage (lol), I have beautiful hands, I have penetrating wonderful brown eyes, I have a great nose, I don’t have a huge problem with break outs etc. my legs look good in skirts and dresses – so I have plenty of things to feel good about. The best of them all being my husband can’t keep his hands off of me!

Soo the new year rolled around. Like everybody else I needed to get it together, except nothing was motivating me until THIS…………(TO BE CONTINUED)

This Right Here is Urgent Like A Motherfucker!

 

We sat on the bed forehead to forehead as if we were passing back and forth some great knowledge or emotion between us. At that moment it was as if he was sucking out all of the memories of love gone bad and replacing them with images, sounds, and smells of our relationship. Usually, I don’t think this is wise – those threads in your life fabric are an important part of who you are, however I find it odd that as the years wear on, my memory has become fuzzy with the loves of the past and now just pretty much rotate around this man that I love now.

 

Though he has made up his own version of the story, I remember just about every second of our entire relationship. I remember standing in front of the movie poster at Phipps Plaza waiting to have our first date. I remember seeing him coming towards me grinning very wide. My first thought “He got a lot of teeth” LOL He was sooo friendly. I mean his aura was just joyful. We saw that movie with Queen Latifah Holiday something or the other and even in the dark – there was just this flow of energy from him that I felt safe in. I walked away from that date saying he’s nice I’d like to get to know him.

 

I don’t know what happened. Every rule I had ever had ‘pretend or otherwise ( cause we know we keep these two sets of rules you know like “all time spent on the phone counts as getting to know you time so yes I can sleep with you, lol lol lol ) just FLEW OUT THE WINDOW. The more we talked the more we wanted to see each other, the more we saw each other, the more we needed for all of this to happen. All I remember is every emotion across the human spectrum going on at the same time,at warp speed and then some.

 

A funny tidbit, he had moved out of one place to an apartment. I helped him with this. On the 29th day, it was decided that since he had not stepped food in said apartment EVER – that he give it up before the rent was due again and just move on in, lol lol We got engaged at six months and married the first anniversary (give or take a few days) to our first date.

 

I can honestly say I am one of those people, who might not have had some things come true - but when I say I was presented the man that was tailored made for me in 99% of the ways I might have dreamed up in a teenage journal many moons ago – I am the one, lol So in retrospect, I have hit the lottery.

 

Really ya’ll, this man is the man for me. I think that the best thing I can say about what’s different this time is that HE’S PRESENT IN THE RELATIONSHIP ALL THE TIME!! He is always front and center in our lives as a couple and a family, irregardless of what else is going on. He also (well maybe not all the time, lol) seems excited to be in the home.

 

I still, even though we haven’t been married THAT long, am amazed at how we’ve just….connected. Everyone knows I’m not the deepest depth in the ocean and I thrive off of all things superficial and totally useless to bringing world peace, lol yet he can talk about that with me on the same level as we talk about other stuff.

 

The fun we have is like no fun I’ve ever had with anyone male or female for that matter. Just a full blown testimony of love and joy when we talk and hang out with one another. Our entire conversation tone is one that is probably so ignorant on so many levels but we revel in it. We dig deep into our insecurities and bounce them off of each other in jest and unlike with ANYONE else under the sun – they work with us.

 

He also has totally revamped the way I love. He brought the word full time into my home. Now we all don’t leave, step away or hang up without giving the sentiment. We keep the word love stoked in the family fireplace. We hug and touch one another as a family and he and I stay all cuddled up. I’ve just given up on some levels of personal space because it just doesn’t work in my house. The joy I feel when I’m in the middle surrounded by the two of them climbing all over me is one I never thought possible (I’ve spoken about all my struggles with touch in previous posts). The thing is, between him and me, it’s not even sexual most of the times – it’s more emotional. We pull and push this energy of emotion between us all the time.

 

He takes care of me (and my child) in a way, I can’t even describe. Like a lot of couples, we’ve developed this whole ebb and flow thing between us in our language with our pitches and tones. We’ve assumed these ‘roles’ that might even be annoying to us, but it works.

 

　

 

This is a rich yet financially broke relationship, lol Yet it’s the fullest one I’ve ever been in. Even just walking to the mail box is full of activity and flurry. Everything we’ve experienced together to this point has been like we were born yesterday and are just experiencing things. He totally knocks that notion that because we’ve had life – we can’t experience it together. we’ve had fun when we’ve split $2, lol lol lol

 

I think I might be mad that I’m so open and emotional about this man, lol lol I can be sitting with him and start to feel a physically falling inside of me falling in love with him over and over and over. I can pretty much confirm NOBODY has seen me like this with or around a man. He got me O-P-E-N lol

 

You know I was going to add the requisite we aren’t perfect, there are struggles, blah blah balh but fuck that – why must we always add a weak brick into something to make everyone else feel good? That stuff does not run in the foreground of this relationship.

 

I guess I just wanted to really let some of this love ooze out, because it coats my very soul. It’s rich, wet, sticky and lush. It blooms and flowers all year long, it thrives in darkness and in light, It flaps in the wind like a colorful cloth. It’s the last scene of The Color Purple, Love Jones and every wedding in a Tyler Perry Movie, lol lol

 

I can remember and see when I was in the dark, “Hear My Call” that Jill Scott moment, I’ve taken to calling it and really just wasn’t sure what was in my future when it came to a man. I guess that was me pulling the slot machine and then as I watched the 777′s come up – I was happy, but when I saw that it was a progressive machine – I can’t be anything but humble and thankful.

 

I also think that as part of this ‘wardrobe change’ I’ve been talking about – this relationship is like the most expensive, frilly, sexy and supportive set of underwear I could ever ask for. You can’t do anything but put on one hell of an outfit with that as your undergarments.

 

as you say RG “I love you, I’m in love with you and I want to be in love with you” DITTO