Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Couch…

I am a platinum member of the Coach Potato club. I hold that honor proudly.  I do soo much on my damn couch.  I write, I watch TV, I get my internet on,  I read, I socialize, I eat, I make out with my husband, I take some good ass naps!  My couch freaking ROCKS!!  It all started with some subtle ‘shade’ (this is when folks say some slick shit about something you have going on) about how much I know about all things Television (that’s another blog).  I ignored that for the most part, but the first of the year was coming up and I was feeling antsy about something to do.  In the mail over the course of a few weeks, I got a flyer for a new gym opening up the street. I was like, ‘really in the hood?”  It was only a dollar to join and $10/month.

I’m a strange bird, due to my upbringing and the way I ingested it, I flare up when told to do something, especially if it’s tinged with force or shame.  Yea it’s kept me from doing a lot of shit and caused problems, but I will not do it till I get good and damn ready because of this little flaw.  When the ‘awakening’ comes to me, it can be the littlest thing.  January came and I still had the flyer, an associate of mines (a really nice sista) sent me a simple text stating that she had joined and I should to.  It was as simple as that.  I went up there and was amazed at how clean and modern and functional it was.  I also was interested because there were no classes.  I really am not that coordinated (well now I’m a lot better).  Anyhoo I joined and began the journey.

At first, I was all on the 30 minutes of cardio in and out.  Then I started reading and learning and decided that I would add weights because hell I had NO IDEA how my body would react to this thing here. I was a Weight Watchers girl. I could lose weight easily but never incorporated working out.  I started going and Lord was I pitiful.  5 minutes on the bike, I could barely make it through circuit training etc.  I realized that I was super duper out of shape.  Didn’t matter if I was thin(ner)

Suddenly I started to take it seriously. It was great for stress.  I moved away from the circuit training and started walking on the treadmill and riding the bike and lifting lightly.  From my previous attempts to get fit, I had a HATE relationship with the Eliptical Machine. Who in the hell made that instrument of torture and what person decided it was a gateway to fitness?!  One day I stepped on it. I did three minutes which at the time was equivalent to the NY Marathon, lol That bitch hurt.  But unlike the last time, I decided to keep trying it, I could do this.  Time went past and I started thinking about and looking forward to going to the…gym.  I got back on Weight Watchers to aid in my getting fit.

Now don’t think there have not been some struggles.  The internet will run you crazy trying to keep up or do what they say.  There is soo much information out there, you don’t know what to believe.  ”If you don’t squat you should die” “anything less than 5 hours in the gym 6 days a week you are a failure” “use this machine, don’t use that machine” etc. etc.  A woman has been conditioned to believe that if there is no weight loss, there is no success. Black women have been conditioned to believe that if you are not shading or saying fuck you to the world whenever we do something we are not succeeding.  it’s a lot to grasp.  Then you have your own ‘issues’ with your body, the way it looks etc.  I have  another HATE relationship and its’ with my shape. I’m an apple on a stick. I HATE my mid section!!  It just laughs and laughs and protrudes away.  But something in side of me said press on.

So here we are six months in!  I’ve gone every other day, missing maybe only two days.  I now go between 4-5 days a week and anything less than an hour is unacceptable, lol  I also am outside exercising.  I now own bonafide exercise clothes, lol I bought sneakers ( and I don’t even like sneakers), I plan out my days and meals and television schedule to make sure I’m not missing working out.  I am also keeping track of the changes.

This post is not really about the numbers, but an acknowledgement of the journey.  There are numbers, damn good numbers all the way around,  but there are also so many other things.

So what’s up for the next six months? Well. I’m still in a quandry as to whether I want to be fit or athletic, that is something I’ve never fanthomed I’d consider, lol  I’m interested in doing one bad ass fitness thing (like kick boxing)  I might run a 5K in the fall who knows? but right now.. let’s just take it one day, one workout and one meal at a time.

 

The Changes in Six Months

When the escalator goes out, I no longer just say ‘fuck it’ and get back on the train and go back home to call in sick

My husband can finally walk his regular gait

Oh I have a shadow of an Ass AND an actual one that is rounded

When I go to the ladies room at work, the sanitary disposal no longer flaps up and down cause my big ass trips the sensor

My posture has improved

I am sleeping so much better

I have shoulders, lol

I think I’m bad, lol

I am not having pre-menstrual issues anymore

The fat hump on my neck disappeared

I can sit with my legs crossed

When I play wrestle with my husband, he has to wrestle a little harder

I made it past the New Year Resolutions Folks

I have the beginnings of a end table and not a cocktail table

The gap when I walk is real baby!

I shaved 3 full minutes off my walk from my desk to the train station

I run towards things now

I’ve been to the park more in the past six months than the past six years

I park way in the back

I actually carry a basket to get some bicep reps in at the grocery store

I saw my husband fall in love with me again,while watching me work out

I feel a lot more confident

I’ve made new friends

I’ve cracked open a cookbook

I’ve got outside my comfort zone

I don’t jiggle

I can twerk much better

The under wire on my bra now sits ‘under’ my chest not making a dent in my damn stomach

The bath towel  does not fit like a hospital gown anymore – it closes all the way

I am almost at my goal of putting my foot behind my head

BET on Black!

I ran across an extended trailer for a new show coming on the Black Entertainment Television a/k/a BET starring Gabrielle Union called “Being Mary Jane”  now based on the rep of the channel, you almost want to think it’s about the life of Marijuana (as if it has it’s own separate life) but actually I have been following this show and am eagerly awaiting it to come on in July.  

I have a sometime lunch partner at work.  When we do have lunch 98% of our conversation is usually abstractly centered on films and television (and politics).  We have had three or four days of robust conversation about Halle Berry and when she’s not the topic of conversation, Monique has been our new muse, lol  

She also has been keeping up with “Being Mary Jane” and today we got into this conversation about BET and we both decided that BET better not be trying to sneak back in at momma’s house during the holidays in a classic Sophia move!!

As we spoke, my mind went back to the beginnings of BET. I remember the first day.  I think I’ve skipped school for television twice in my life. Once for Greg and Jenny’s wedding on All My Children and the first day of BET.  It was January 25, 1980 (all information comes from Wikipedia, I’m good but not THAT good, lol).  An entire channel dedicated to the souls of black folks! WOW!  

We were hooked!  Donnie and Sherry kept us coming back. The music video was up and running and suddenly you could ‘see’ your favorite song and the folks who sung it.  

I told her that though BET has has some iffy, janky periods, I couldn’t not love BET and some of the things it exposed me to.  BET introduced me to a wild afro’ed GOD named Maxwell! He came on Rachel’s Show “Planet Groove”  It introduced me to Erykah Badu.  I remember that so vividly because I cried listening to her.  I have NO IDEA where I was in my head at the time, but I remember sitting on the floor in front of the TV and tears just streaming listening to her sing.  Remember Video Vibrations?  Cita used to slay me! Teen Summit (even though I was a bit older) was a great show.  Comic View introduced me to adult comedy. Remember when we had….NEWS!  I used to watch BET for a couple of hours a day.

Then I got older and BET went somewhere dark and I couldn’t follow it.  I could just blame Bob Johnson but as I looked at it today, it was a combination one two punch of trying to figure out a way to embrace rap/hip hop and push the envelope and give a voice to black folks  who’s exact fault is it really that the culture and the people embracing and presenting the new culture seemingly took a walk on the gully side?

We cussed BET out on the DAILY!!  I mean WTH WTF and WTH again, lol  It seemed like the powers that be just held up their middle finger at the collective.

Then one day they had a show called the BET Awards.  Folks were like WHOAAA!  What a great production (well you know what I mean still BET but the show and the performers and the appearances of folks from days gone by wow!).  Then the BET Honors, the the BET Hip Hop Awards and the CYPHERS! Folks like me were coming back to BET like 3 or 4 times a year and we didn’t burst into flames, lol

Next they started trying to have scripted shows.  They revived The Game (it’s biggest endeavor in my opinion) and after tossing that up in the air over an open damn flame, it finally got it’s foot hole and I actually jumped up at this years mid-season finale. They have tried a couple of shows and they keep trying.

Now they have deals for more original programming and something I’m actually looking forward to seeing.

I had to find some way to describe how I feel about BET and this is what I came up with:

BET is the child that was raised with you in the same household by the same parents. Ya’ll were given the same instruction and belief system YET at some point, it decided to go out into the world and find itself.  It was all over the place ho’ing and partying and acting a damn fool and you sat and wondered how could two entities raised in the same house turn out so very differently!

Then one day, they start trying to come around to the house again.  They show up for a couple of Sunday dinners and you notice they are looking and sounding better on a more consistent basis. Suddenly them and their kids are at Thanksgiving dinner and everyone is just like ‘come on in..come on lala and man man, we see ya’ll”  Now no one forgets how you been out there wilding and all these damn kids and how you look a bit rough around the edges..but you family..so get you and yo kids a plate”

BET might just be showing up for Thanksgiving soon if they keep it up.  

Family Feud!

 

I’ve been on many a talk show during the 90′s living in New York, Donahue, Sally Jessie, Geraldo etc. but I hadn’t had the opportunity to be on a game show until now. Well ok, not actually ON the game show but in the audience. Family Feud actually tapes right here in Atlanta. I can’t exactly remember how I got on their mailing list, but I am and I get tickets all the time to various game shows but most of them are in California, so when these came up a year ago, I took them and we went down and didn’t make the cut to be on screen. No biggie, but when they came around for this year and I saw that one of the dates available was my birthday I snagged them right up. That would be super fun!

We (My daughter and I) decided to get down there a bit earlier than we did before to have a better chance. We got right into the building to wait in the inside line, we were getting crunk that we might actually get on the show this time. From this point on, it’s best if I bullet point my thoughts out….

You can’t bring any bag bigger than the ticket (a regular sheet of paper). Still not sure why you needed your traveling purse for this show and it was a good opportunity to teach CG about packing light

You also couldn’t bring your cell phone, it has to stay in the car or be checked in at the door. I started getting the shakes after about 30 minutes not because I wasn’t on Facebook etc. but because I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT DAMN TIME IT WAS?! Mental note to get a pocket watch to keep in my purse, lol

The waiting room was freezing and I knew I should have brought my jacket.

The conversation by the elderly black people behind me concerning all the pieces of the pig they had eaten in their lives and not died from was giving me so much grief. When Bro. said he loved pigs ears but could only eat them drunk, I was D-O-N-E. From the rooter to the tooter was live in living color.

Some kinda way we got in the second row – GREAT seats!

The stage was so bright and electronic, looks actually better than it does on TV, lol

We had a short class at the beginning to teach us how to clap and smile and be disappointed. I really want to do those moves in the next all staff meeting we have.

I was so proud when we were doing the warm ups to classic Motown CG knew all the words to every song! Get yo Tammi and Marvin on girl!!! She said she ‘got it from her momma’

Though Steve is not really my ‘type’ of man, he’s not unattractive in real life.

He’s actually a good height

There is dressed, there is impeccably dressed and then there’s Steve. The man’s clothes and shoes came from virgin, baby, hand spun, hand sewed, fabrics and skins.

I’m not sure I could get used to having someone who’s specific job is to wipe my water bottle, let me take a sip and then take it back. CG said she could, lol

Steve was quite funny. I have detected that he is the kind of person who observes and can be quick witted. I haven’t necessarily liked all his comedy but he does make that show funny.

I KNOW they told us NOT to talk at all, we were right by a live mike lady!!!

The warm up music had two Michael Jackson songs – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

The whole section of pork totality eaters were in the middle second row and were NOT a lively bunch..must have had cramps from the pickled pigs feet……

Steve kept staring at CG. Yea I know, she gets that, lol lol

Sure there hasn’t been a hijabi that close to the stage before, lol

He curses ALOT!!

Yes he laughed when I said, “still working on that being saved eh?” Aloud

He doesn’t wear a lot of make up.

His Make Up artist dude…does

I know a family who won the big money so it’s not rigged.

These really are real families

Sometimes the questions either don’t make sense or no one can get an answer on the board. They throw those out.

Steve doesn’t leave the stage during ‘commercial breaks’ he stays and talks to you. That’s a nice gesture.

He’s really a mans man and didn’t want all that fretting over him. I liked the way he carried himself.

Now they can’t tell you when your show is going to air but I have at least two reasons why ours might not:

• The black family of female cousins came dressed like they were going to the club!!! What the hell do you have on!? Not sure at least two of those outifts will make the cut BUT Steve loved them and from my vantage point ‘favored’ them.
• The woman in front of me kept running her mouth, if any of that was picked up on the Mike they can’t use the episode

The best part of the whole thing? One day you will look up and your child will start to have their own life and they have to go live that life and you might move from the center of the stage off to the left. Spending the day with College Girl laughing, talking, dreaming and chilling with no drama was GREAT!!!!!! A perfect way to spend my birthday!

17,155 Days

 

 

 

 

June 4, 2013

17,155 that how many days God has blessed me to be alive!!  That’s 47 years I’ve been on this earth weaving the fabric of my life.

I had a beautiful day. I woke up with the resolve to set it aside and just be in the moment with no background noise and that’s just what I did.

Facebook sure can make you feel special!!  Over 80 declarations of Happy Birthday! All kinds of love!!  I am so appreciative and I will hold these sentiments close to my heart and pick at them over the next 365 when I need them!

I’ve had lunch with my bestie, connected with a person off of Facebook, talked at length with my Sister and Dad, used gift cards and broke bread with my family.  

I wanted to think all deep about my birthday and lay out all kinds of emotionally reverent conversation, but I then said Nope!  It’s really not that serious.  I spend so much time being serious and thinking serious and contemplating, analyzing, reconciling etc. that I have to schedule times to just not give a fuck and like I said above, just walk in the moment without all the extra!!  

There is room in your life to just twirl and not hit anything.  I totally am clearing the field to run unhindered in it.  

Today was my birthday, I have been alive 17,155 days God!!  For that I thank you!!  For that I THANK YOU!! 

 

Moments

June 3, 2013

That moment when shame is clearly connected to manipulation and you have an ah-ha moment for yourself

The moment you start liking your reflection in the mirror of the world

A moment of clarity

Moments in the dark giggling with the one you love

The moment past when you usually would quit

The fleeting moment you see him looking at you like that very first time

The break in the song moments in love

The moment the good outweighs the bad

That moment when memories become clear and vibrant

The moment when Michael Jackson’s voice confirms the presence of God

The moment I said I Do

The moment I called a spade a spade

The moment I didn’t burst into flames like they said I would

A moment where it all lines up perfectly

Some moments that are better than others

Lots of moments of clarity in the midst of chaos

The moments you have to push through

The moment the air conditioner comes on in the car on a hot ass day

The moment you realize you don’t pull a crowd like you used to

The moment you finally get it

The moment you realize adults bully too, it might be slicker and it might be covert but they do

That moment you wanna turn in your card

The moment I held her in my arms

The moment I pranced around naked feeling beautiful in front of a man

The moment I pranced around naked feeling beautiful in front of….ME

The moment you had to actually BE an adult

The moment when you first feel the ‘comfort of a man’

The moment when you first feel the comfort…of…GOD

The moment as a woman you learn to love another woman you are not related to.

The moment you can comfortably say “I am”

The moment you recognize your parents

The moment you recognize your parents in you

The moment you start working on that

All the moments that make up the moments in the fabric of  your life

Subject Noun Verb Agreement

Day 2

I knew I had a knack for writing at around 10 years old when I received a diary from somewhere.  I knew that my words affected folks when my mother read it cover to cover one day.  I remember burning that diary. That incident didn’t stop me from loving words, but it might have shaped how I address them in my life.  I love words.  I love to read them, to feel them, to taste them, especially when someone says something that moves me.  I also hate words.  They have been used to hurt, maim and destroy all around me.  However, if it were not for words, I probably wouldn’t be the halfway sane person I profess to be.

I consider myself creative.  It comes naturally to me.  I also consider myself the owner of many ideas the finisher of few.  Being the Gemini that I am, I flit all over the place sometimes like a bee, dropping little golden pearls of ideas where ever I chose to land that day.

Throughout my life, I have been, despite the chaos at times, pretty clear on the innateness of who I am.  I might not have always shown it, but every time I did something someone else wanted me to do, or changed something about me to appease someone else, that which in me stayed true.  I used to wonder where I got this feeling of ‘freeness’. I used to wonder how in my mind, I was ripe for say 1972 on a bus to LA to dance and sing in the park.  I have cultivated a rich private alternative universe for myself for as long as I can remember.  I figured some of that out when I met my biological father, but that’s another story for another day.

There have been periods of time when words took over me and not vice versa and I have not stopped them from spilling out, that’s not the way I operate – if it’s time, I let it flow however the medium.  Sometimes they come out in a poem, sometimes a short story, sometimes a line in a half written journal entry.

At some point I recognized that I was living on paper and not in real life and that was when I purposely stopped journaling. It was time to BE.  This kinda corresponded with the discovery of the world of blogging and that opened up a whole new arena to express myself.  That first year and my first blog “The Emancipation of Pammie”, was flipping ground breaking in the personal blogging space.  That one year, set in motion so much happiness for me, ya’ll don’t even know.

Fast forward, to another fantastic medium, good ole Facebook.  In that space I have been able to create a running daytime talk show full of all the things I enjoy, while I read and correspond with folks at the SAME DAMN TIME! It’s the perfect joining of all that makes my personality great, lol

I have given this long ass opening to get to this point.  I know how to write, sometimes I enjoy it but it is NOT a particular passion of mines.  If I had to assign it some passion, the passion more so involves being able to convey thoughts, feelings and emotions in an effective way at the appropriate time.  If I say something on Facebook or like now in a blog entry (because sometimes the desire to blog leaves the plate for long periods of time) and it makes someone say wow, damn, or even get the fuck outta here with that bullshit, that creates passion because I am heard and everyone knows I have issues with having a ‘voice’ and so these mediums give me that possibility.

I found this definition that perfectly fit how I feel:

Intrinsic motivation

Since passion can be a type of motivation in hobbies then assessing intrinsic motivation is appropriate. Intrinsic motivation helps define these types of passion. Passion naturally helps the needs or desires that motivate a person to some particular action or behavior. Certain abilities and hobbies can be developed early and the innate motivation is also something that comes early in life. Although someone might know how to engage in a hobby, this doesn’t necessarily mean they are motivated to do it. Christine Robinson makes the point in her article that, ” …knowledge of your innate motivation can help guide action toward what will be fulfilling.” Feeling satisfied and fulfilled builds the passion for the hobby to continue a person’s happiness.

So though I know folks feel that I should be writing, I always say I do write and I’ve given this explanation more times than I care to count.  IF I decide that what I’d like to say should be for sale, I’ll be the first to tell you, but for now…it’s not.

In Flux or the Matrix

June 1, 2013

Well my birthday is three days away.  Whew!  I can’t really tell you where the last year went but I can tell you there have been some ROUGH spots!  Last year this time, I had a High School graduate, this year was soooo quiet now that I have a upcoming Sophomore in COLLEGE.  I looked at my calendar from last year and the whole month of May was booked, lol  Funny what a year can do.

I’ve done a lot of work though, believe you me.  I feel in so much of a better place emotionally and mentally.  I have not only packed away but thrown out sooo much dead weight.  The struggle will NEVER end in that area, but the bags are all kinds of way much lighter baby!!

I’ve also made some physical changes that I’ll discuss in another blog during this month.

I’ve picked up some new hobbies (bracelet making) that I absolutely love.  I was going to start up a business but the expenses of the craft and the dismal launch (it was my fault) of an idea I had squashed that.  I now enjoy making them for friends etc. and I’ll sell a few under different circumstances than an actual business.

As my birthday gets near, I do start to evaluate and see what I’d like to do for the next 365 days if God blesses me.  Right now I’m feeling kind of unfulfilled.  I’d like to nuture some new friendships meet some new folks who are at the same  stage as I am in my life.  I vow to go to a couple of meet ups and see what’s up this upcoming birth year.  I want to see what’s happening on the education front maybe learn some more things (I am pissed I missed out on the opportunity for the online Continuing Education Courses). God KNOWS I need to work even harder on my finances!!

One thing I’ve begun back doing is reading and it’s been a welcome return. My Kindle was a GREAT purchase and the ‘what books are free today” website has totally got me back into reading all kinds of books.  I’m reading like a book a week.

So let me get off of here and get to doing some other stuff!  I look forward to what might spill out over these next 30 some odd days.

 

 

Personal June Blog Challenge

Howdy Howdy Howdy!  Can you believe it’s June 1st?!  I sure can’t. time is flying by on some other kinda level.  I have been meaning to write, but quite frankly it takes discipline to schedule time to write and that is something I’ve been lacking.

So for the month of June, I want to blog every day even if it’s a wordless Wednesday or a one sentence Tuesday, lol  I actually have some drafts that I need to post.  Tsk Tsk Tsk.

So let’s get it started!

Life is But…

So King Bey is back to take over her spot.  Afer watching her documentary, the one thing I identify with her with is the way she loves her man.  It can be difficult to feel that way as a woman and express it because of all the stigmas that can be in place among black women about loving your man.  You always seem to have to ‘pretend’ you dig him but you are not “head over loopy I wanna cry cause he made me” in love, lol.  To be that in love does not make you weak.

I’m going through one of my ‘annoyed at humans’ period, lol  They are not as bad as they used to be, lol

Usually, more than likely, I am aware of the power of punctuation so saying that, unless I end something with a question mark (?), or word it in such a way as to come across as a request, I’m not looking for answers or solutions, I am just being vocal. 

I miss my bonus daughter

Last night as I lay in bed, it crossed my mind that what makes this particular situation different is that there’s really no fighting for the relationship (not related to the blurb above).  It is frighteningly easy to just live life with no thought of them and a feeling that they can live life with no thought either. I have gone years with no real concrete thoughts or feelings about people and I’m sure they have done the same.  How I know this is not right is that there are people in my life where I can’t go 15 minutes without thoughts of them.  I got sad, but life goes on.  

I’m ok with the thought that my daughter might be married in the next few years.  I do know I’m probably going to have to get some others on board, at minimum, in understanding the process.

I’m mad that I have to give the entire Will Downing Musical library to one relationship, lol  I can’t even bring any of the songs to my present because they all bring up the same person and the same situation. Damn!  

That’s ok, we have KEM all to ourselves, lol

One of the main reasons why a lottery win would be so beautiful is actually not the financial let up, but the ability to take time to travel this entire planet that God gave us and experience it with my husband. Friends and family would join us on and off, but I would love and dream of first classing it all over the world with my man.

If I were to win, I would have a web series chronicling it.  I wouldn’t freak out and decide to go all ghost etc.  I would bring folks into it.

I miss MIchael Jackson

I’ve seen and felt the shade thrown at me about a number of things..don’t think I haven’t.

I’m a whiner, I know this, I acknowledge this and if something arises to give me reign to whine (like this tooth ache) I’m taking it and run with it, lol

Pop culture is important to me.  It always has been.  I take it somewhat seriously and enjoy digging and searching and sharing and surprisingly I have scooped some of the bigger blogs.  

I wish I could start my facebook page all over again..sigh

I was going to do this long drawn out explanation as to my love affair with the television, but then I really was like, who exactly do I owe this explanation to. I’m really not concerned with how or what folks feel about me and my television, lol lol  folks were starting to rent space in my head that could be filled with some good TV, lol

Fuck a whole bunch of people, places and things, lol lol

The gym is making me feel strong and helping me have deep breaths and walk longer and faster.  

I’m glad to be back reading socially.  It’s taken awhile, but I’m back.

I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin, with my own self and the things that make me happy. I am spending less time in my head going over stuff and more time just flowing.  I think I am doing a great job at changing my story and re-looking at stuff and lessening the stress in my life.  I feel I am in the doorway of self peace.

I am beginning to like the fact that I’m interesting to me and that’s pretty much all that matters. I have all these sparks of excitement riding side by side with doing absolutely NOTHING, lol It’s who I am – I am great at being medium.  That takes a lot of pressure off of me.  Now I’m sure the ‘life is more and perfect’ warriors will be in an uproar (lol) but I spend time with me, I know me and I journey as me and tapping into some of me has allowed me to be receptive to the good and the bad – stressing myself out all the time to be someone I’m not is over.  I’m just gonna be…ME.

On February 5th, I had a two hour conversation with someone.  After that conversation, I went over the rocky journey (this part of it) and came to the thought process that what I got from this bout of turmoil was an understanding of…compassion.  I have always admired my daughter for her compassion but I became aware of the emotion just recently.  Having compassion allowed me to get to the point to pick up the phone, in spite of, because as I learn about myself, I learn about others. I had time to take a seat and listen to the message.  I picked up that phone with a different idea and it will allow me to continue to pick up the phone on my terms for my reasons.  We’ve spoken through other mediums a few times.  I’ve always said and maintained that “I am not a savage or being disrespectful – I’m trying to be a stronger me, so that it can be about we”  I’m well on my way.