List 5 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

It’s ok to want to do it that way. It’s no more wrong than their way is right.

FIGHT!! Stand up for yourself!! Use your outdoor voice!!

You wanted to go into Mass Marketing – though it has morphed in todays world – make that happen for yourself. You don’t have to do what’s expected of you by others, do what’s you expect from you.

Leave him earlier better yet don’t marry him – you have so much fucking to do -fuck him and keep it stepping but go back and get pregnant by him later on. I guarantee you – it will be worth it.

Don’t ruin your credit, arrange your finances to embrace shopping and do for you first!

Describe your relationship with your parents.

I don’t really have a relationship with them, but I thank God EVERY DAY for them because it explains so much and certainly completed me. I

I never really was affected to the extreme that others were but they seem to be affected and we haven’t spoken in years.

They have me in therapy

I never really grasped that they were not that much older than me and I guess they had to act in a parental role. I still am flabbergasted I never knew we enjoyed the same human. Funny, what titles do.

They wrap me up in a blanket and pour me some hot chocolate and read me a story when I need it most.

(All of these people are separate individuals)

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

My Husband Dying – first for obvious reasons my first one did. However, this is THE ONE. I mean I couldn’t do any better and the thought that I won’t be able to enjoy him up to my death scares the hell out of me. As he’s working these night and tired etc. I will wake up at night and my heart is just beating and beating and I have to say HE IS ALRIGHT, HE IS ALRIGHT.

Crying – I know that sounds weird but I have a very hard time just releasing in that manner because I feel fear about it. Two instances that I remember that kinda sucked up my tears were revolving around death. The first my father and it was so tense and it seems as if there is this ‘feeling’ that as a Muslim we have to be all calm. I remember being told to ‘not have a Christian funeral’ SIGH. I remember all of us grieving privately – we should have been able to get that off. The other instance was my first husband. I got overwrought and I swear I remember someone telling me to stop. I believe it was my brother. Well this just sucked the liquid out my body. In the last 6 years I have cried alot more than I did before but never more than say 2 minutes. Part of the reason is that it physically hurts. Yea I feel pain all in my head and shoulders – that’s how backed up it is. SIGH.

Confrontation - as much as I prance around, a lot of it is an act. I so do not like confrontation. It’s just not in my nature. I really am a peaceful person. I basically have been bullied at several points in my life by adults and familial peers and it’s been vicious and I never have the words (imagine that) to really get back with folks because I always feel it goes from 0-100 quite quickly. I’m just not emotionally prepared to argue and fight so I tend to spit and run or resort to the written word. Even that can go wrong. I remember one time I tried to express some feelings to my mom and with the advent of email – the response was instant and so vicious that even my husband and best friend were like DAMN I wouldn’t do that anymore. There’s no fair fighting or conversing or arguing – it just goes straight for the jugular as if we are strangers on the street. It’s so exhausting and just wears me out. So I fear it…immensely.

List 10 random facts about yourself.

I have a three volume hand written story of my life with Michael Jackson all the way until we get old.

I have every journal since I was 12 years old

I have a very nice classic porn collection VCR’s and Bad Music galore

Almost every evening – I take a nap to prepare for bed

I can only wear heels every once in awhile because of the diabetes and my toes

I was a virgin when I graduated High School

I can plan what I want to dream about for the evening most times

I assign singing voices to most of the folks close to me

I can spend hours and I mean HOURS looking at pictures, articles etc. of the Jacksons

I still have not ever had sex in a car

The 30 Day Blog Challenge

1. List 20 10 random facts about yourself.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

4. List 10 5 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

7. What is your dream job, and why?

8. What are 5 passions you have?

9. List 10 3 people who have influenced you and describe how.

10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.

11. Describe 10 5 pet peeves you have.

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

23. List your top 5 3 hobbies and why you love them.

24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?

28. What is your love language?

29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?

30. List 10 5 things you would hope to be remembered for.

Jump Starting the Art

So, I said I was going to restart blogging and yet I have only posted twice since April 1st.  I would like to write but I can’t seem to find the words.  When I find the words, I just don’t have the kinda time.  I can also admit that as a person who enjoys READERS, I have not taken the time to get involved in the circles of personal bloggers that will afford me readers in return. Google Reader spoiled that for me. I can read, but it doesn’t lend itself to interacting with the blog author.  As much as I am a Facebook girl and attention whoring is a trait I enjoy, I walk a fine line and blog advertising sits kinda funny with me.  I’d like to feel like my writings draw people on their own merit, as if someone is on the net, comes across my writing and is blown away.  That’s how I’ve found some of the good stuff I read on a daily.  Oh well…I will do this challenge I found over at Fitness, Finance and Fun and get some writing off my chest.

I think I also really need to begin journaling again.  

Tell Em Why You Mad Ma!

Everybody has to write out of rage sometimes – Amy Clampitt

Because I just am dammit!
Because my child knows something is wrong with me!
Because I know something is wrong with me!
Because I am letting it continue to run me!
Because I am broke!
Because I didn’t save for my child’s college!
Because my social life has taken a hit!
Because I live in another part of the Universe from my best friends!
Because I’m the Michael Jackson!
Because people have moved on with their lives and left 12 people with the carnage of their decisions!
Because nobody asked me!
Because out of everyone why mine gotta be the most fucked up!
Because I know how to stand and recite some bullshit about how round the earth is – but don’t know how to love the same folks I stood in line with!
Because it’s been strained, dysfunctional and fucked up for what? 35 damn years!
Because I will NEVER get away from this!
Because I used to think death would be the event and now I don’t!
Because I used to think what he did was…wrong!
Because there always have to be a choice!
Because I am punished by myself for wanting to nuture and save..myself!
Because my back is used to being walked on!
Because I tried so hard to ‘do the right thing’ – which is debatable!
Because I was promised a fucking family dammit!!
Because some of it is just never gonna be right!
Because I have spent most of my life dealing with this shit!
Because I will probably die still dealing with it!
Because I will never be free of it!
Because the view they have of me is crippling!
Because everyone assumes I can deal with it!
Because now the third generation is affected!
Because it’s so easy to say the past is the past!
Because I know that each of us deals with this and it hurts!
Because I see it exhibiting itself in me!
Because it affects my nuclear family!
Because I’m a fucking slave!
Because I have never really known who the fuck I am!
Because I have no voice!
Because I have dragged every friend I’ve ever had into this mess!
Because I don’t know how to begin to do anything else!
Because it has always sapped my happiness out of me!
Because it just seems so hopeless most of the time!
Because I can never repair my reputation!
Because I care what is thought about me!
Because if everything wasn’t built on a lie, maybe I could have told the truth and it wouldn’t have went down like that!
Because when the truth comes out – there will still be some bullshit!
Because I only halfway believe what I say to myself about myself!
Because I am in real pain still about this!
Because she looked me in the eye and the relationship is not there!
Because it’s done nothing for me to stay involved!
Because I am so weak!
Because there are those that have it all worked out!
Because the thought is that I’m being extra about this!
Because I’ve had to learn the hard way!
Because I’ve had to make fucked up decision about fucked up things!
Because I’ve taken to cussing like a sailor to express the rage!
Because my view to God is cloudy right now!
Because now you can’t wear a damn hoodie without fearing being shot!
Because the white man is a devil and folks still don’t believe!
Because my HS class fell apart and I’ve had to graduate finally!
Because facebook is starting to work my damn nerves!
Because I have diabetes and I want a damn coke!
Because I have wasted so much fucking time!
Because I feel educated by my paycheck says otherwise!
Because I can’t figure out how to balance this bullshit effectively!
Because even my therapist is shaking his head!
Because ultimately the buck stops at the top!
Because I didn’t win that lottery!
Because my list of wants is so much longer than the numbers in my bank account!
Because this new work schedule has fucked up my sex life!
Because all the shit I’ve stuffed in the life closet, eventually is gonna spill out!
Because my couch smells like ASS!
Because my child has had a nightmare that we were all physically fighting!
Because I have all this talent but FEAR keeps it on lockdown!
Because I STILL just want to know they really love me and am proud of me!
Because my pain is not acknowledged as real and relevant!
Because all of a sudden I see myself needing professional help on and off the rest of my life!
Because I should have NEVER stepped out my damn door!
Because I let others rent space in my mind!
Because I feel if I start crying for real, I will never stop!
Because he left us and it was his damn plan to being with!
Because I’m tired!
Because I’m afraid!

Here’s A Story About A Lovely Lady

“For many years I’ve harbored pain. I’ve carried the emotional weight of family dysfunction, insecurity, betrayal and the feeling of inadequacy. I’ve strived for acceptance from my mother and people who I thought were my friends. It was all necessary to get me to the point where I am today.” – Trent Jackson’s Revelations as he turns 30.

 Thanking Trent for sitting in the forest beating the drums for us all.

On the path to yet another Emancipation – let the healing begin!

APRIL 1st!! IT’S TIME Another Journey Begins

The Skyline Needs to Stay the Same

 

This picture above ranks as one of the most important trilogies in my life. It is VERY special and I am IN LOVE with the entire scope of the relationships. As 2011 expired, I have watched one of my friends get a new passion in her life…ZUMBA. She is certified, trained and up to her drop it like it’s hot in it. The other one just works on doing better. Recently I was browsing pictures while developing our 2012 Calendar and realized that we took the perfect pictures. We all just fit, then I started to think “If they start to lose weight or change body or whatever – it might make our pictures not be in sync” One of my ‘secret’ issues is that in this trio I am the biggest both in height and weight. In horror I began to think that I need to get on the band wagon because I be damned if I am in the picture looking like NeNe towering over everyone!!!! Yea that was my real thought.

Anyone who knows me knows that part of my ‘hold on to it” is that I don’t like being told what to do as if I’m stupid. So I will postpone making moves on purpose till I DECIDE that I want to do it. Sometimes it takes some odd stuff that will motivate me and the thought of our pictures being off was the thing!! So here I am on week two of Weight Watchers. I chose it because it is easy to do, meets my requirements of not being restrictive and it’s kinda fun keeping up with the points etc. and I always need a project – add spread sheets and I’m that much better.

I set a goal I thought was reasonable, I set a timeline I thought made sense (by my birthday) I also had to factor in that I was weaning myself (again) off the juice and soda and I needed to keep the carbs in check for the diabetes and I’m on my way.

First week, of course, was the cleansing and adjusting period and I felt like a raging bull. Portion control I realized early on I really wasn’t paying attention to so going down to 1/2 a cup of anything was about to get someone cussed out, lol but I made it and had some fun with it as well. I am DETERMINED to eat across the entire spectrum – Weight Watchers allows this and it makes perfect sense. I’m not eating rice cakes and the smoke from butter – that’s cool if it works for you, but it won’t work for me.

I was excited but not overly at the 4.5 pounds lost the first week – I just said ‘hmm didn’t know I was carrying that much water around” I’ve been down this road – I am familiar with some of the stops. I started hinting around on the Book a bit about what I was eating etc. while I contemplated just coming out and saying it because as we all know – Dieting has more issues than just about anything. There’s always someone who knows better, is doing better, can’t understand and just feels the need to judge. However, sometimes for me, it helps to say it aloud and claim it – even if you don’t succeed at least you put it out there. I also am one that has a certain bit of transparcy. I talk about my life a lot. I like to share the journey with others and maybe this might help someone. So I said it aloud and let the circus tents inflate.

I have been thinking about something to blog about, because contrary to what I just said, I was tired of just talking about my day to day life. Facebooking took the thrill out of that for blogging. I needed subjects. I was thinking of doing more videos. I don’t want to not blog but I do want it to have some substance. So this journey here has made me come back to the blog. Aren’t you glad, lol

So let’s lay out what this here is gonna be – this is going to be JANKY. Let me repeat that JANKY!1 I am NOT taking this seriously. I am currently NOT having any self esteem issues NOR am I being emotionally manipulated or abused in any way about the way I look at the weight I am. This frees me up a lot. it also allows me to have some fun with it and see if I can lose weight on my terms. I should do better and that’s what I’m trying – this also allows me to talk candidly about the mistakes. I will post a picture of me eating a big mac at midnite!!

Let’s also get this out of the way: FOLKS AND THEIR EATING IS PERSONAL!!! THEREFORE I’M SENSITIVE ABOUT MY SHIT!!! We all have a different journey, reasons, secrets, issues, etc. etc. blah blah blah. No one has the right to decide for someone else how they are doing with this. If I say I have eaten something I KNOW and I am conscious that I have eaten it. The you should have had or you could have had might not go over well with me, lol I like/love information presented for me to review and pull what I need to know – anything that remotely seems chastising or any of that – might also tick me off. It really is one of those situations where it’s ok to sit in front of your screen and just talk about me, lol lol I’m using this forum to talk OUT and trade ideas sure but I’m not judging you so please don’t judge me or decide my journey is not the right way. It is for me and if I decide it’s not then I will make the change and like most negroes, I might use something you said and act like I made it up, lol lol lol

Not sure how long I’ll discuss what’s happening in that area but I will try to make it fun..I promise.